Member: Rick
Location: Middle East
Remote Name: 213.42.2.6
Date: December 14, 2003
Time: 04:11 AM -0500
14 Dec 2003 Sunday Well, well. Over a year since my last entry. It’s been a rather drunken and blurry year. Not sure that I remember much of it. No hospital or police incidents this year. Friday was my last day to drink. I had two 6-Packs of tall Heinekens and that was a normal load. I felt like crap on Sat, better today. This is my 2nd day. Boy, ain’t that impressive? I was in such a foreign place and in such totally unfamiliar surroundings. This is the same comment I made a year ago. How did a person like myself get to a place like this? I am better than this, and, like last year, I know how I got here, one drink at a time. I have misplaced whole decades. I was consuming so much, I began to yearn to let it all seep out of my body and start all over again, see how I felt clean and sober. I read the first chapter of I John this morning. A person who has “handled the word of life” has no business polluting his body. From the book of James, “Can the same fountain produce sweet and salt water?” “Can the same mouth produce blessing and cursing?” (Sorry for the overbearing spirituality; I am a former minister.) I am a leaf in a tornado and have very little to hold on to. This is coming in early Sun, US time. I am 10 time zones ahead and for me it is Sunday pm already. Could we let the topic for next week be “Let Go and Let God?” Anything spiritual would help. Thanks.
Member: Kevin R
Location: British Columbia
Remote Name: 206.116.216.34
Date: December 14, 2003
Time: 06:17 AM -0500
Hi everyone, my name is Kevin and I am a hard core alcholic. I first walked into a meeting a little over 9 months ago. That room is now my home group, and I was there tonight. For the fourth (or fifth) time when roll call was done, I had to answer "here, yes". I am glad to be back yet again, but I still struggle with these evil thoughts. Up here we call it "stinking thinking". I get 2-4 weeks of being sober, feeling good, more productive etc..... then I get the good/evil, should I/shouldn't I , "you can do this for one night" thinking.... and I realize how powerless I really am over this evil drug....and yet I lose the battle. I have a GREAT sponsor, but I still have to find a way to beat that thinking in my head.... ANYONE please give me any ideas....
Member: Darin
Location: Miss.
Remote Name: 64.12.96.44
Date: December 14, 2003
Time: 08:58 AM -0500
hey guys. I am a snot slinging sewer sucking drunk. my name is darin and this looks like my kind of meeting and you guys in the last 5 posts are deffinately my kind of drunks. I have struggled with my alcoholism for many years and am gratefull to say that yesterday I didnt have to struggle with the desire to drink and hope for more of the same today. I have been a black out drinker since I began as a teenager. I remember the morning after drinking my first 5th . I wanted oblivion from the beginning. 16yrs old consumed by the need for escape. At 17 a H.S. dropout and headed for the service where I turned 18 in boot camp. by 19 I was introduced to A.A. and in a military hospital rehab on my 21st birthday. For the first 4 years age 19 to 23 I was a habitual relapser. I loved the fellowship and had sponsors but just didnt get the program and most importantly couldnt stand the thought of life without alcohol which I loved dearly because it still worked. I finally stayed sober 2yr and then went back out for a solid 7yr strait. The last 2 of that 7 I knew absoulutely that I would never get control and the booze had control of me. I drank when I didnt want to drink and almost always alone. even people in the bars didnt seem to want me around. I had pushed away friends and family, moved to a new town where I didnt know anyone so I could drink alone and answer to no one. Wild turkey 101 was my thing so I had to make at least a few trips to the liquor store a week. I went to various stores all over town so nobody would ccatch on. I started getting paranoid thinking everyone was looking at me funny every where I went which made me wonder if I had left my apt. during a blackout. I also became fearfull for my own safety thinking that I might shoot myself or something in a blackout. Not that I wanted to harm myself but you know how blackouts are I imagine. I was somehow managing financially but spiritually bankrupt and felt the rubber room was getting close. I knew that I was alcoholic and my life was unmanageable for some time befor this as I stated earlier and I have always believed in god but was still having trouble becomeing willing to turn it over to his care. A recovering alcoholic that I didnt know and had never seen before aproached me at work. I opened old boxes and got out all my A.A. books and returned to meetings shortly after and will celebrate 1 year on jan 1. what I learned through this is that the big book is telling the truth. The steps that I have completed are simple. 1, and 2, for me were done before I put down my last drink. 3 was done when I went to some meetings,found a sponsor and immidiatly started my 4th step. My sponsor, with 20 yr. and having a spiritual program, went through the big book with me up to ch. 5 and then when I was ready we did my 5th step. 6 and 7 are on going for me and my 8th step list with the help of my 4th step inventory(my sponsor told me not to destroy it because I would need it for 8) is in the making. My life is not peaches and cream today but I am happy, I have all the drunks of the world with me and on my side, and my relationship with my creator is growing. My recovery comes first today. All of you come first today. god bless and a prayer for all
Member: SLIPPERY
Location: SLIDING
Remote Name: 24.223.158.197
Date: December 14, 2003
Time: 11:33 AM -0500
Dont drink and you wont get drunk.Let god and let go of your desire to pick up that first drink.
Member: Rich P
Location: Colorado
Remote Name: 67.4.97.200
Date: December 14, 2003
Time: 12:13 PM -0500
I am a chronic relapser too. I get sober for a few months, everything is great, and then I decide that I deserved the credit. How could I have turned things around this quickly if I was really an alcoholic? Surely I can handle drinking and I was just being melodramatic about the "alcoholism" thing. Wrong. I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become as unmanageable as I choose to let it get. There are still have some "yets" that I would rather not experience first hand. So I am back, humbled and confused, but I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober today. Peace.
Member: jules h.
Location: Iowa
Remote Name: 207.177.18.192
Date: December 14, 2003
Time: 01:54 PM -0500
Hello from the good ole hawkeye state, I'm jules, alcoholic. Rick in the Middle East, don't take a drink just for today, stay connected to this site if there's no face to face meetings, read pages 20-29 in your big book,(hope you have one), if you don't, post your e-mail and somehow you'll get one and make a list of 5 or 10 things you're grateful for! Remember to all who struggle, you are GOD'S KIDS! And he will not let you down if you ask him to help you stay sober just for this 24 hrs, so turn it over as many times as it takes during the day, and hold on to your ass you're, going for the ride of your life!!God Bless you.
Member: Jenny M.
Location: Washington
Remote Name: 198.81.26.74
Date: December 14, 2003
Time: 09:58 PM -0500
I'm jenny an alcoholic. Boy have I needed to stay with letting go and letting God. I don't know why I have to be so stubborn and why it is so difficult to follow this simple concept. But sometimes I can be so bull headed and want to be in control of everything. I will stay focused on this one especially throughout this season!!
Member: l.mike
Location: georgia
Remote Name: 205.188.208.101
Date: December 14, 2003
Time: 10:31 PM -0500
I am mike an ALCOHOLIC.The insanity of this disease is hard for me to accept.I can accept that if I use I go insane to an extent but now I am learning that Insane thoughts of medicating are still with me sober.Why would I consider taking a chance of loosing everthing,of hurting those I love or destroying the hope of my family again?Only insainity.I am understanding step one as well as preparing for that.Maybe now I am ready for step two and maybe now I can hold on to this program an principles as a man who very much needs to survive.I want to live.
Member: AZbill
Location: azbill1172@cox.net
Remote Name: 68.0.184.118
Date: December 14, 2003
Time: 11:40 PM -0500
Hi all, My name is Bill, I am an alcoholic. I am also a member of the Steering Committee. It is with a great deal of sadness that in the spirit of rotation I must leave the Steering Committee. It is time for one of you to take the baton and press on. You are the only one who can nominate you. We need representation from the meeting goers. It was not a difficult job. Over the past year I answered about a 100 inquiries. I have met several new friends. I have been successful 100% of the time. I never once took a drink all year. :) God bless you all.... In the Fellowship of the Spirit, Bill
Member: eric
Location: mi
Remote Name: 12.73.152.190
Date: December 15, 2003
Time: 02:38 AM -0500
"I drank when I didnt want to drink and almost always alone." thanks darin for you thoughts. I have those too. The law did not send me to AA, I have no personal relationships that would send me to AA(but for my unborn children). I drink alone. What delivered me here......hope?
Member: Ann
Location: Ohio
Remote Name: 205.188.208.101
Date: December 15, 2003
Time: 05:25 AM -0500
74 days. And 10 days til xmas. I'll be glad to get thru these holidays..not for the want of drink, but to get thru the madness. Remember everyone that these days will pass and we can get back to some sort of normality. Here's to another 24 for everyone.
Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Remote Name: 205.188.208.101
Date: December 15, 2003
Time: 06:47 AM -0500
{LET GO AND LET GOD} A simple concept but a hard one for me to get! -Struggling to hand over myself to a higher power. I fought it tooth and nail. Willfull misconduct versus peace and serenity by giving up. Surrendering the battle because it is one I lost over and over till the gates of insanity and death. By the Grace of God I conceded and live a good and happy life ((today)). Hey,((Rick))! Good to hear ya again! You know just because we caught Saddam is not a good enough reason to drink! LOL! Good to see your still fighting the good fight. Darin, Wow you drank like I did! I was also a blackout drinker from 13 and could relate to your story. Your recovery comes through loud and clear. Jenny, I AM A VERY STUBBORN PERSON TOO... I turned my stubborness around and it makes me fight harder for my sobriety. Good luck! Anne that is so great on 74 days! I remember when you had only a few and you are so obviously working the program...way to go! Ya know the holidays are a reason to ((rejoice)) not get drunk, and enjoy our friends and family. The holidays are just another day in our lives so let's not blow them in a blackout. Make a memory you can remember?! This will be my second sober Christmas and I am sooo grateful. Hi, AZBill! You do a great job here and you will be missed on the steering committee I'm sure. Heck, I may put in for the job myself, it sounds like a good experience...? Happy and Sober holidays to all... Kelly :)
Member: Scott K.
Location: Northeast
Remote Name: 13.13.137.1
Date: December 15, 2003
Time: 07:31 AM -0500
Hi, My name is Scott and I'm an alcoholic. LET GO AND LET GOD.... That has been the hardest for me so far. When I did step 2&3, I just went thru the motions but my sponsor encouraged that and it helped me keep progressing. I have always had a hard time giving up control, even the things I had no control over! Consequently, I would be in a constant state of anxiety and guess what... then I would get drunk. I have made some progress as I have got to know myself better but it is going to be an up hill struggle for me to accept the things I can't change. I'm up for it though and am so grateful for my new life. ((Kelly)) thanks for the feedback, this will be my second sober Christmas also and I am really looking forward to it. It just keeps getting better.
Member: Kat
Location: Boston
Remote Name: 24.91.168.81
Date: December 15, 2003
Time: 09:57 AM -0500
Your will not mine be done. Sometimes I lie face down on my floor and just say "use me." It's a scary thing to let go and then sit in the unknown place. But I have found that God's plan is always way better than anything I could've conceived. One of my best friends died three years ago. He died sober. He was a comedian and toured around the world with the USO. He had a starring role in the movie "Southie", and he was the funniest man I had ever met. We used to meet for lunch once a month to talk about our careers and one time I was toying with the idea of getting sober and surrendering it all to God. With 12 years under his belt in sobriety and surrender I asked him his take on "letting go and letting God." His response was this... and imagine him saying it with a blue collar gravely voice... one of his best jokes was that he smoked two packs of cigaretts a day to get his voice down to the level he wanted it before he quit! So he said about letting go... "Kathleen... in the boat of life... any time at all God will let you hop up and steer the boat... any time at all... but Kathleen... God don't row!!" Our job is to row that boat... whatever that means for you... exercising, meditating, not drinking and being strong enough to deal with whatever and wherever God leads you. I just celebrated my 6 month anniversary on Thursday and I'm loving my sobriety. Keep rowing! love & peace, Kat
Member: William S
Location: Austin, TX
Remote Name: 128.83.117.23
Date: December 15, 2003
Time: 10:14 AM -0500
What a great topic. [darin] your comment about going on the "circuit" so that store clerks wouldn't recognize you is exactly what I did. I put a lot of freakin' effort into being anonymous while drinking!! I have been around 16 yrs and am on day 68 (again). Let Go & Let God is one of the of those mottos that has always troubled me, along w/ Easy Does It. I say "troubled" in the sense that I took them to the extreme (surprise, surprise) and interpreted them as: I was relieved of all responsibility, it was God's deal & I could coast. In the past, I was very arrogant, never gave up running the show--stinkin' thinkin' comes in many different forms. The past two months have been very very different. I been "willing to go to any lengths." I work pages 86-88 diligently, do mid-day prayer & meditation & resentment checks, go to meetings, talk to my sponsor & newcomers, etc. I do it 24 hours at a time. I now know that that letting go & letting god means I am responsible for those things I CAN control (doing the things that have been shown to work, seeking therapy, whatever) but certain things are totally out of my control--those things are in God's hands. Thank goodness because things would be a mess left in my hands!
Member: Ann
Location: Ohio
Remote Name: 205.188.208.101
Date: December 15, 2003
Time: 12:47 PM -0500
I vote for Kelly M for steering committee.. and Bill, thanks so much for all of your time and effort. I have read your posts over the last few months and have gotten a little stronger from all of them. From all of us "newbies", we really appreciate all of the veterans out there and your words of wisdom. Here's to another sober 24!
Member: Adam H.
Location: New York, NY
Remote Name: 64.232.156.194
Date: December 15, 2003
Time: 01:42 PM -0500
Adam, alcoholic. LET GO AND LET GOD reminds me that I have to step aside and be open to guidance. When I came in, the best I could do spiritually was see the letters G O D as standing for Group Of Drunks...and that actually was usefull in helping me with this slogan. Chapter 5 says taht the result is nil when we hold on to our old ideas, and I was really scared to let go of them (even though they were killing me) and accept the new ideas AA was giving me about how to stay sober. Learning to Let go of them and let a Group of Drunks give me new ideas on how to love sober was very important. Hope that helps someone and I hope we all have another 24 hours.
Member: Bill C
Location: Kansas City
Remote Name: 68.86.96.28
Date: December 16, 2003
Time: 03:29 AM -0500
Bill here, fullblown hardcore alcoholic. I'm tired of feeding the beast and alcoholism is a hungry pet to keep around. My wife and I had a party last Friday night and I had to go out and get a box of wine for the party (beer's my obsession). Only through the grace of God did I get there and get back. I started drinking earlier in the day and was still messed up from the day before. I couldn't even sign my name on the check or fill in the amount at the counter! I just made some squigly lines and the cashier said, "Okay, I'll take care of it for you." What a friend. I somehow made it home and got through the party without anyone saying "Good lord, yer throwin' the party and yer already trashed." We had lots of beer left over from the party and I waded into it over the next 2 days. Tonight I stared at 16 beers left in a case of Bud Light and tested 3. They were good, so I had a 4th since one good beer deserves another. After that I thought, "Yer gonna drink 'em all, aren't you?" I thought maybe I would, so I hauled the case out of the fridge and took one beer after another, popped it, and dumped it down the toilet. Don't cry, it was free beer and it was going to end up there anyway eventually. I'm tired of feeding the beast, tonight he can go hungry. Every day is a gift from God. What you do with it is your gift to Him.
Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Remote Name: 64.12.96.44
Date: December 16, 2003
Time: 09:13 AM -0500
Hi, Bill C, Thanks for the remember when! Got quite a few chuckles, only cause I can relate to how we think. I hope you take care of the "beast" and (one day) is a great start! You talked about the check signing at the packie. Well, I was so shakey at the end I could not write a check either. I carried cash and even had trouble with that. I was a shakey, sweaty wreck! Also the box of wine bit... lol. I had to give up on boxed wine because the alcohol content was so low I could not get a buzz no matter how much I drank. I used to pick up the wine bottles at the packie and look at the small print on them not to see where they were made etc. but if they were over 10 percent alcohol content! Yes, I wasn't fooling anyone...least of all myself. Kat, great post! Know what you mean ((God doesn't row))! Thanks Scott and Ann for the replies, your both doing awesome! Lets all keep coming back here and posting. It helps us and at the same time it may give another drunk hope. Best to all. Kelly :)
Member: Kim D
Location: Bridgewater
Remote Name: 209.113.227.200
Date: December 16, 2003
Time: 04:43 PM -0500
"Let Go and Let God" goes hand in hand with the serenity prayer for me. I heard early on that alkies are myopic in that they are very short sighted and can not "see" the big picture. Handing things over to a God of our understanding allows the long term picture to work out as it's supposed to. When I am in a place of fear or anger or hurt, I try and give it to my HP, having faith that he/she/it has a better way of handling the situation than I do. The biggest thing for me is giving my alcoholism to God - my desire to drink when it surfaces (seldom now...)- so that I can concentrate on the things I can change... I can't change being an alcoholic, so I give it to God on a daily basis and concentrate on daily living. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: katd
Location: so cal
Remote Name: 67.115.8.253
Date: December 16, 2003
Time: 04:44 PM -0500
KatD ALcoholic. LGLG, I like the 'God Dont Row' line, makes it simple and clear what my role is. Sometimes we need someone to be tough on us. But if it was that simple I would not relaspe. I take full responsibility dont get me wrong. Anyway- I have a sponsor as of Sunday and have been to f2f meetings. I just get so all consumed with stuff, obviously not letting go. I am keeping on trying and doing what is suggested.
Member: romy kelly
Location: houston, texas
Remote Name: 66.141.17.67
Date: December 16, 2003
Time: 09:49 PM -0500
Hi ya'll, Romy here.. last post Dec. 12th, was going to go to my first meeting, found every reason not to. Then tonite after my boyfriend went to work, was sitting here, thinking I have got to bring these brownies next door to the neighbor. Because, he keeps politely telling me "we" meaning "me" "I" need to get it done. See she made us a pie for Thanksgiving. So, since Thanksgiving, I have put off, bringing her pan back, and making the brownies I said, I was going to make her. I made the brownies last night, and tonight was having such anxiety over walking the damn pan over, I was going to hmmm.. of course not take a drink, but "NAP" you know another way not to deal with something. Then I sat up in bed and said, I am tired of this, I am not tire. Why, can't I just get over the shyness.. and walk next door. So, I said, I'm going to a meeting. I WENT, finally, it was crazy, my hands were sweating, they knew I was new,several shared a story and they all looked at me. So, not just working on drinking but, the I hate being center of attention thing too. I didn't feel that way, I felt like they were sincere, I felt good, I was not the only one in this world with all these crazy things I think. Let go Let God-I walked the brownies and pan over 10 minutes ago, didn't even have to deal with the neighbor, met her kids and they were excited they had treats to eat. It worked out! Stay sober, we'll do it together. Got my desire chip... woohoo!! :)
Member: Rick
Location: Middle East
Remote Name: 195.229.241.228
Date: December 17, 2003
Time: 12:18 AM -0500
Hi everybody, Rick, an alcoholic, from the Middle East, again. I am gratified by all your responses to the topic this week. I was reaching out and am blessed to see my needs fit some of yours. Bill C. Thanks for your remarkable letter. Feeding the beast. I got to the same point. I had fed it enough, thank you very much. It was time to let the me I used to know have a chance. Like the movie Hook with Robin Williams, "Is there really a Peter Pan inside this big ugly grown-up man?" It has also been a very spiritiual week. Have been reading the book of James. Reminds me of the man trying to draw his self-portrait. He looks away and forgets "what manner of man he is." Pardon my use of the masculine pronoun; I'm just quoting. James talks a lot about deciding which side of the fence you are on. And like the topic in the 12x12 meeting this week, I am powerless, but God is not. I have seen what I can do, let's give God (or my HP, if you like) a chance. Only for today. I cannot be responsible for any longer.
Member: AJ
Location: LittleTownInWisconsin
Remote Name: 206.176.221.55
Date: December 17, 2003
Time: 10:00 AM -0500
Hey friends- This is my first time attending this type of meeting. I throughly enjoyed all of your comments and experiences. I can identyfy with each and every one of you, and hope you all will keep sharing because I need all the help I can get, especially on the "let God" part. Thanks all!!
Member: Chris T.
Location: Abingdon, Maryland
Remote Name: 12.77.52.111
Date: December 17, 2003
Time: 06:11 PM -0500
My name is Chris and i am an alcoholic. The slogan let go and let god has helped me on more than one occasion. It is the power of knowing that i cannot do it and the higher power of my understanding can, if i choose to let them. If you do not want to get drunk, dont pick up the first drink. It is a very simple concept. Find a higher power, get a sponsor and get a home group. Dont drink and stay away from the sources that feed your disease. GOD bless.
Member: Kevin R
Location: British Columbia
Remote Name: 206.116.216.34
Date: December 17, 2003
Time: 09:56 PM -0500
Hi my name is Kevin an I am an alcoholic. I have been to a meeting everyday since I last posted, usually with my sponsor and another member who is struggling like I am. I am really starting to feel that together "we" can do it...as my sponsor said, AA is not a "me" program but a "we" program. What is the first word in the steps? Just reading this forum when I feel an urge helps lots. Well it's 7 PM, gotta go have dinner and go to my meeting. I know I will it through today without picking up a drink. A small victory, but it really is just about today. Take care all enjoy another 24.
Member: perry
Location: stroudsburg pa
Remote Name: 63.241.65.90
Date: December 18, 2003
Time: 08:57 AM -0500
Let go and let God is like the 3rd step. I personally like " Don't take yourself to damn seriously!
Member: JOHN
Location: France
Remote Name: 193.249.100.248
Date: December 18, 2003
Time: 03:55 PM -0500
Hi all, I guess God did it for me just yesterday. After about three weeks of being sober I just decided that I had enough of all the crap going in my life and that I needed a drink. I was ready and willing... I bought the stuff, started to drink and ... couldn't go on. I just looked at the bottle and my glass, took both to the sink. I just couldn't go on. Don't ask me why, I just couldn't.
Member: margaret
Location: new york
Remote Name: 129.44.18.35
Date: December 18, 2003
Time: 04:50 PM -0500
I just have to post because i am feeling pretty miserable about my self and my sickness. Slowly i have been going to meetings, trying not to drink and last night i blew it. i just feel terrible, guilty and angry. how many times do i have to hurt myself in order to stop? today i have read the big book, tomorrow i get myself to a meeting and try a little harder not to drink. thanks for listening.
Member: Kat
Location: Boston
Remote Name: 24.91.168.81
Date: December 18, 2003
Time: 06:06 PM -0500
Hey (((margaret))) - I just had lunch today with a friend of mine who had a whole month under her belt and said the exact same thing as you did... that last night she blew it and drank. Here's what I told her... at least you're on the right path. God isn't looking for perfection... simply willingness to make necessary changes in order to do His will. I only have six months and am just a baby. I've tried many times to give it up on my own but this time I sought out AA for the support that I was sorely lacking before. No shame... start again... but know that even if you slip, you maintain the level of enlightenment you had previously achieved... so you still know in your heart what you want and will try again to achieve it. Hang in there baby and be proud of coming here to post rather than keeping all that shame locked up inside you. God bless this site and all of us in it. love & peace, kat
Member: AZbill
Location: azbill1172@cox.net
Remote Name: 68.0.184.118
Date: December 19, 2003
Time: 12:10 AM -0500
Hi Margaret. Bill here. Alcoholic from Arizona. Do not beat yourself up. You did the most natural thing that an alcoholic does. You drank. The trick is to learn how not to drink in a society where drinking is acceptable. All you have lost is your sobriety date. You know what to do. All you have to do is renew your faith in AA. Or whatever recovery system you choose to use. Take care and feel free to email me any questions if you wish.. Bill
Member: eric
Location: mi
Remote Name: 12.73.153.211
Date: December 19, 2003
Time: 01:50 AM -0500
Hi all, My name is eric and I am an alcoholic. I am going to see my shrink tomorrow, asked him for a reference to AA last time I saw him(my parents sent me to him, they knew my life was in ruins). Before any of this, I can tell you I was a smart, educated, good looking person. And my life was wasted by alcohol. Thank you Alcohol, deceptive beast. Well, luv to all, keep sharing
Member: Scott K.
Location: Northeast
Remote Name: 13.13.137.1
Date: December 19, 2003
Time: 08:16 AM -0500
Hi, My name is Scott and I'm an alcoholic. ((Margaret)) Thank you for telling on yourself! That tells me that you truely are on the road to recovery. You will make it if you keep being honest with yourself, with your HP and at meetings. Sounds like you really want sobriety. It was only then when I was able to make it one day at a time. Remember, you always have today. ((Kat)), ((Bill)) helping other alcoholics is what helps us keep sober and you "guys" are champs!!! Thanks for the inspiration. Scott K.
Member: Rita
Location: Northeast
Remote Name: 24.154.40.21
Date: December 19, 2003
Time: 10:51 AM -0500
Hello I am writing this after picking up my DUI charges this morning from a binge I went on on Friday. I have never had a black out, but I had one that night after drinking all day and driving around. I have checked into a alcohol intensive outpatient place and I start tonight. Just sitting here knowing I drove, I could have killed someone, myself too. I have been trying to control my drinking for years, I am a binge drinker and once or twice a year would go on a binge. They started getting more frequent when I got a job where I traveled, made a lot of money and ate out and stayed by myself all the time. I resigned my job, I know I can't stay sober there and I hated being alone so much. So today I am without a job, and scared to death for a call or the mail to tell me what else I did that night. The times and places in my memory don't make sense, and I fear things could be worse. I just plain hate my stupidity, I had everything, no reason to drink myself into a stupor. I am reading all the AA slogans and hoping I can do this, I have to, I know I am an alcoholic, I am just scared I will disappoint everyone again. I am praying my husband stays with me as if I lose him I fear I will lose my sanity, already I feel very disconnected and have to check the date and time alot. I have not been drinking, I got so sick Sunday night when I let myself sober up, I have never been that sick before. But I know that voice will kick in, so tonight I am starting AA and therapy. If someone is online this morning, please send me some hope. Thanks Rita
Member: margaret
Location: new york
Remote Name: 24.213.238.125
Date: December 19, 2003
Time: 01:31 PM -0500
Thank you to all in repsonse to my post. It brings tears to my eyes to know that there are people out there that believe in me. Thank you. (Rita) I know where you are and how you are feeling. Today my slogan is "one minute, one hour, one day at a time" I really need this because i'm never in the moment but always looking forward and to my despair the present is never what i thought it would be. imagine! so today i am trying to stick with today. Blessings to all..
Member: Scott K.
Location: Northeast
Remote Name: 13.13.137.1
Date: December 19, 2003
Time: 01:40 PM -0500
Rita, get yourself to a F2F (face to face) meeting. I hope you live in a town that has several meetings. I live in the Rochester NY area and there are literally hundreds of meetings here. You can find out by calling your local AA office if you have not already. When you go to the meeting, there will be a time after the AA readings when new people will be asked to introduce yourself by your first name. Make sure that you do that and let them know you need help. You will be welcomed. After the meeting, get some numbers of other women if you can, they should be willing to help you. That is what helps keep us sober, helping other alcoholics. If you want it bad enough, you will make it like the rest of us. God bless and good luck tonight. Scott K.
Member: Donna Park
Location: Graceville, Fl
Remote Name: 12.158.102.116
Date: December 19, 2003
Time: 05:22 PM -0500
Just a line to say to all of you who are having problems slipping, as long as you keep coming back you are on the right track. Never feel that you will not be welcomed back. You are always welcome in AA. Let go & let God well when I got here I was so desperate that it was the easiest thing for me to do. I was so willing for anybody or anything to give my life to. As I got sober I began to really understand letting go & letting God. Found it was much more difficult that it takes practice. I am not sure practice ever makes perfect. I know I still am not perfect & have never heard anyone say they were regardless of years. Just remember its the journey not the destination. Pray & ask for help each morning to stay sober & thank him each night. That is what has worked for me along with meeting, sponsor & the Big Book. Thanks for keeping me sober today Wishing you all the same Love Donna
Member: sherry
Location: California
Remote Name: 66.229.228.207
Date: December 19, 2003
Time: 08:12 PM -0500
rita don't feel alone. I went to a company party last night and I think I drank all their wine. I got into a fight with my boss and made a complete ass out of myself. I blacked out and my friend had to tell me what I did. Boy, talk about a drunk! I want to be sober this time next year. I am starting one day at a time today. Sometimes it takes stuff like what you and I did to make us stop. Pray for me and I'll pray for you. Thanks Sherry
Member: Susan
Location: Orlando, FL
Remote Name: 69.22.116.248
Date: December 19, 2003
Time: 10:22 PM -0500
Hi, Susan alcoholic. I didn't know how to let go and let God or the other things I tried (church, counseling, etc.) would have worked. I learned how through working the program with a sponsor and meetings. Whatever your concept of God-Group of Drunks, Good Orderly Direction, or religious God, there is a great phrase. "God does not make too hard of terms for those who seek Him." That still keeps me going after almost seven years sober. It's about being willing to be changed. God does the changing. Another phrase I love is "we aren't bad people trying to get good, we are sick people trying to get well." Those phrases help keep me from beating myself up so bad. You don't ever HAVE to take another drink.
Member: Kevin R
Location: British Columbia
Remote Name: 206.116.216.34
Date: December 20, 2003
Time: 03:19 AM -0500
Hi Kevin alcholic. Susan thank you!!!!!!!!!! You hit the nail on the head for me.... GOD - Group Of Drunks. I had a problem with the idea of personifying God "as we understood him". But the notion of my God being the sobriety in the rooms of AA..... it's like a light turned on for me. Thank you.
Member: perry
Location: stroudsburg pa
Remote Name: 63.241.65.90
Date: December 20, 2003
Time: 07:12 AM -0500
Rita- Believe it or not On the other side of not drinking, in the valley of sobriety You will find peace and serenity. Peace of mind is guaranteed, you need only ask your conception of God for help at the time of craving..it works and for that I am grateful
Member: toddc
Location: Indianapolis
Remote Name: 65.26.180.227
Date: December 20, 2003
Time: 07:52 AM -0500
Good sober morning to all! I at first had to sort of search as to who or what my higher power was, before I figured out it was the god that I was raised on as a kid. Even though I had spent years of drinking never even speaking to him, I came to realize he had been watching over me for all those years. Hell, there is no logical reason for me to not have killed myself, or even worse someone else due to my drinking and driving. I now pray to him every morning to help me make it through the next 24 and for getting me through the last. BUT, I also have come to believe in a 2nd higher power and I would like to Thank Susan for finally giving a name I can use for it. Group Of Drunks, I like that. I don't think I would still be sober without the G.O.D. of the fellowship and am very thankful for them. I wish you all a very sober next 24.
Member: Rita
Location: Northeast
Remote Name: 24.154.40.21
Date: December 20, 2003
Time: 08:31 AM -0500
Dear All, Thank you for your caring words, I was on the edge yesterday. Sherry, as soon as you wrote to pray for you, I did, thank you for your prayer too. I went to my first AA meeting, three hours of outpatient therapy. I hid for the first hour or so but the counsellor zoned in on me and I am glad she did. Everyone poured out their compassion and good advice to me which I needed to hear. I needed to hear life will get better, and I did. Everyone there had just done 28 days, but when I said I needed to go to a meeting the next day, two women said, "I'll meet you there", it just made my will stronger to go. Thank you all for listening.Its a beautiful day outside, I am healthy and alive, I have no reason not to just pray and be thankful, I hope to keep this feeling all day. Rita
Member: KimK
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Remote Name: 199.239.208.7
Date: December 20, 2003
Time: 04:48 PM -0500
Hello, My name is Kim. I only admit I'm an alcoholic to myself. I dont have 24 hours of sobriety. I have lots of guilt. I have great sadness. I dont understand how i ended up so controlled by my desire for beer. i am deceiving lots of people. i am active in my church, and I am good mom and as soon as the kids are in bed i run to my beer. my husband is so easy going, he doesnt care since i usually dont get sloppy drunk. for some reason i have a high endurance level. i am drunk but most wouldnt know it I can drink 8 or 9 beers everynight of the week. i am only 5 ft tall. i feel tired, unproductive and like a hypocrite. any advise? Thanks
Member: Ruby
Location: CT
Remote Name: 24.151.62.85
Date: December 20, 2003
Time: 06:10 PM -0500
Hi Kim. I know how you feel. I am more deceptive, though, than you. Mostly I have deceived myself. I went into recovery from cocaine addiction 18 years ago. A few years later I went to work as a substance abuse counselor. I stayed away from alcohol for the first few years. I never accepted that my problem was with all substances. At first I began to sneak drinks - that should have been a clue right there. I have increased my consumption of alcohol steadily over the years. Now I drink almost every day. Many days I drink too much. I try to limit myself to three drinks, but too much of the time I'm unable to do so. Too often I am horrified when I wake up and remember things I said the night before, or drunken phone calls I made, or e-mails I sent. I know that this is getting out of control. As someone who works in the substance abuse field, I feel incredibly hypocritical and vulnerable. Some people at work remember that I was in recovery for cocaine. If they knew what I am doing, they would have my licence revoked. I can't afford to have that done. I need to stop drinking. I don't want to risk going to real meetings locally because I have a lot to lose. Either way I have a lot to lose. Thanks for listening.
Member: toddc
Location: Indianapolis
Remote Name: 65.26.180.227
Date: December 20, 2003
Time: 11:07 PM -0500
This is for Kimk and Ruby, Please please, if you really want help go to a meeting. If you have to, go to one in another town, but go. It won't just come to you, you MUST make that first step. You must seek in order to recieve. There is help out there and people ready to help, just go. I will keep you in mind tonight when I speak with my higher power and I hope you both will get the help you need to beat your addiction. Take care and Good luck. y
Member: Rita
Location: Northeast
Remote Name: 24.154.40.21
Date: December 21, 2003
Time: 05:26 AM -0500
Dear Kim and Ruby, I only have one week of sobriety but please don't do what I did, wait till something horrible happens before getting help. It can, believe me and I keep waking up like this morning, at 4 or 5am and wishing with all my heart I had gotten help before I got in the car drunk again. Kim, my first meetings were this week, and when people did not make me feel ashamed of the horrible secrets I have been hiding it was such a relief, going IN the door was so much harder than coming out later, like a little of the burden had been lifted so I could see some light. Don't wake up like I did last week with a black out and DUI's and the knowledge why why why didn't I get help sooner. Take care of yourself, Rita