Member: Pat H.
Location: Virginia
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 8:41:48 AM
good morning, I'm Pat and I'm an alcoholic. Some thing I just read on another site reminded me of one of my favorite sayings. "Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments. I use this a lot in my dealing with people,particularly family! Ties in with the paragraph on acceptance,I think. Stay well,stay sober.
Member: Anna W
Location: FL
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 10:40:28 AM
Hi all, Anna/ alcoholic. Great topic Pat. I sometimes still struggle with "expectations" and then I struggle with the resentment because my "expectations" were not met. I then must remind myself that my Higher Power has the bigger plan for me so therefore, I must accept his will and plan for me. I must live today and in the now. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Thanks for letting me share!
Member: Misha B.
Location: Dallas, TX
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 10:58:11 AM
It's Misha, alcoholic. Great topic and just in time for the holidays. Thank you. I am already full of resentment about a holiday that has not happened. Thank you for reminding that I am not the center of the universe and that my God has a bigger plan for me. I am keeping score on how I give others and what they owe me. This is a luxury I cannot afford. I do not want a dry drunk holiday season. Thank you for being here.
Member: Valerie M.
Location: Canada
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 11:07:20 AM
Hi everyone! I heard somewhere, years ago, that if we didn't expect anything from others we'd never be disappointed. It never really sunk in until recently. It's true. If you do the best that you can do and give to your loved ones and friends, anything generous they do comes as a welcome surprise. On the other hand, when I expect people to do certain things or to react in a certain way - and they don't - I only set myself up for disappointment and resentment. Besides, most of the time when I've had certain expectations of other people, they've had no clue as to how I'm feeling in the first place - so I'm also expecting them to be a mind reader! That's asking a lot!
Member: John H
Location: Indiana, USA
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 11:12:20 AM
Pat, an appropriate topic for John, an alcoholic. Unrealistic expectations have been a painful defect and experience for me. It seems so easy to become resentful if the expectation is not realized as wished and wanted Have had to learn that I have an ego problem.That it had to take a back seat at times; to come down to earth and to learn that I am not the center of attention.I can now more easily accept disappointing results with minimum of negative reactions, resentment, envy, frustration, anger etc. Calmness, a sense of ease restored because of working the steps of the program and relying on the supports of all of you out there, my sponsor and the Higher Power. God's will, not ours be done! Thanks for the topic and the opportunity of sharing with you,
Member: Kathy D
Location: AM, OH
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 11:45:03 AM
Hi! I'm Kathy and I am an alcoholic. Great topic for me Pat, thanks. I just recently heard in a meeting "when my expectations are high my Serenity is low". How true, how true! Takes me back to the Serenity prayer...grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (Other People) and the courage to change the things I can (That's Me). Have a great week everyone.
Member: Marv L
Location: Laurel,Ms
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 12:26:08 PM
Hi,I"m Marv,alcoholic.Thanks for the topic;Resentment is our # 1 offender and unrealistic expectataion in ANY area of my life can set it off,for sure!! REcovery is a path,and avoiding the pitfalls is what makes our journey possible,but itsnt it fun to play AIA("aint it awful?") game,or get into the "PLOM" syndrone ("Poor lil" ole ME?") But anger and resentments are luxuries we cannot afford..have seen so many fail who let these build up,and the next step was the bottle! The trouble is its so hard to see when we are drifting into that kinda thinking,and by staying close to the winners and our higher power,we can stop sweating the little stuff,and be grateful! An attitude of gratitude sure helps me stay sober,thanks for your shares!!!
Member: Jeff T.
Location: Ne.
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 1:38:37 PM
I`m Jeff an alcoholic, it seems to me that the longer i`m sober the more i quit fighting some of these issues, early on i was told that i can make planes but i cant plan the outcome. Time & time again i was disapointed. Then of course i would think that they dont know who i am or how important i am, ya know (the big I). If they would only do as i say things would work out. BUT Noooo. so on & so on. Pretty soon i was burnt i`ll get even bla bla bla.... Well after a short talk with my sponcer or should i say, after he was done laughing at me, he would say "you cant make people do what you want, you can make planes but you cant plan the outcome" the point is the only person i can change is ME. This took some time but i finaly got it.The wisdom to know the differance, this didnt come quickly or easly, and some times i still find myself slipping into expectations but no so often. I will never be able to express my gratitude for AA. Thanks!
Member: Bud G.
Location: Oregon
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 3:25:25 PM
Hi everyone. I'm Bud G., alcoholic, Oregon. I've found that my "one day at a time" is acomplished by giving it up to God each morning. I have no expectations for that day except for those required activities; work, etc.. I'm not sure what His plan is for me, but I'm reasonably sure what His plan isn't. When I quit trying to "drive the bus" the small and large miracles began to happen. Wishing you all a sober day.
Member: tony p.
Location: nl canada
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 4:38:29 PM
looking for e-mail address for gso can't it on aa web site.are there any facts on what sobriety is.in our group we have some controversy over.05% nonalcoholic beer.should we as a group be giving out meddallions and cards for sorriety when a member says at meetings he drinking this stuff.Iam trying to get a answer from GSO on this issue.can anyone please help.
Member: JimB
Location: RMI
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 5:09:14 PM
JimB, happy and grateful alcoholic. For me expectaions are on the level of trying to control People, Places and Things which we have surrendered contol of in step 1. It really is an illusion, I think based on fear that a.) I can control the outcome of events and b.) that I would want to be able too! When I was newly sober I thought the world should take notice that I was making such great strides in my recovery. I thought they should roll out the red carpet and pat me on the back with endless praise. What a crock and a setup! The desire for praise and approval never materialized, thankfully because if it did I would then be obliged to react if those same people withdrew they're approval. I would be like a puppet on a string, push a button and I'm up, push another and I'm down etc. "The chief activator of our defects has been self centered fear-primarily fear that we would lose something that we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded." The program supplies us with the answer in step 12. Step 12 embodies the spirit of outgoing love, without an agenda or hard sell approach. "...we "tried" to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs." There are no conditions as to the outcome, placed on this step. It is only by being willing to show up and share our expierience strength and hope that we can in part repay what has been freely given to us in this program. So using step 12 as a template I can utilize the principle of it in many other areas of my life. If it is an inside job and I am not trying to gain some ulterior motive then it must be quality simply because it is not bullshit! LOL
Member: Mike W.
Location: Hillsdale M i. USA
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 9:08:48 PM
Hi, Fellow sojourners, Mike, Gettin' Better Alcoholic here. God Has increased my ability to be tolerant and deal with thing that would have "driven me to drink" in times past. (before AA sunk in a bit.) I still feel like chewin' steel and spitin' nails at times and people can't MAKE you drink or "drive" you to it. They can make you pretty damn thirsty sometimes but if you got your "armor" on right you will be able to get through it with the help of THE TWELVE STEPS ! That means you gotta be "workin' it ! On the other hand, I wouldn't want anyone to get the IMPRESSION from what someones OPINION was on pg. 449 of the big book The bit on acceptance... that we're just to lul through everything and take what ever comes down the pike as acceptable, and think that I'm supposed to feel guilty or as if I'm not working THE PROGRAM or defective if some thing just tic me off . AA never told me i wasen't going to get angry, frustrated, perterbed,bitter, hostile, miserible, resentful..ETC. BUT that I DIDN"T HAVE TO drink over that stuff and ..."I DON"T have to hold on to that stuff like I used to,, I have a choice today to let that stuff go !!! I can set boundries today and stand my ground, With the POWER OF GOD BACKING ME UP.. GET a HIGHER POWER In your corner and you can be a CONTENDER Against that which is TRYING to kill, steal, and destroy your life and the lives of those around you.. The BATTLE IS IN YOUR MIND ! My mind is like a "bad neighborhood"..You don't want to hang out there ALONE too long.. Take part in the fellowship ,.. Take part in a new life.Thanks for lettin me share... Mike W. .. plumbfitter2000@yahoo.com
Member: Craig L (Dogmanor@yahoo.com)
Location: Aloha, Oregon
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 9:48:50 PM
Great topic. When my disease was active, I was too insane to believe there was anything but myself. I believed I had to drink to bury the pain for all the past injustices, I believed to be true. Somewhere I had come to believe that everything had a price and I had to pay it to get it from you or you had to pay me to have it from me. No matter how generous I thought I was I still harbored a feeling that now you owe me. Alcohol pounded the pride out of me. I am so grateful I no longer live in the horror my life had become, I am willing to look at every resentment as ultimately my fault, and ask God to show me my part, if it is not evident. It's OK for me to plan things, but I must practice acceptance when things go a different way, otherwise I will not be ready to benefit from the new unforeseen opportunities.
Member: Pat G
Location: New Jersey
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 9:53:15 PM
Tony P - I am not a GSO but I was taught in rehab that the people who drank the "nonalcoholic" beers and wines - the 0.(a misnomer to be sure) which have approximately .05% alcohol in them had relapsed. I was taught by AA that if you are really sober you wouldn't be ingesting anything with alcohol in it i.e. Nyquil, mouthwash, vanilla extract if you truly accepted that you were an alcoholic and powerless over alcohol. Mental cravings set people up for the first "real" drink -- I think anyone who is on the maintenance plan you are describing cannot be collecting medallions. And thanks for the share about the 12th Step and keeping God or your Higher Power in your corner. I needed to hear that - and it is true - take God with you and everything will turn out better than if you or I try to handle it alone.
Member: MaureenP
Location: TUCSON, AZ
Date: 11/3/2002
Time: 11:03:26 PM
Hello, Maureen here, expectations, great topic. Today, I have no expectations, I just put one foot in front of the other. Every time I set expectations in the past I was setting myself up for a fall, and fall, I always did. It was either entirely unlike I expected or less than what I expected, rarely more than expected. Today every bonus is a fringe benefit of living a sober life and letting the Grace of God guide me on a daily basis. I am a grateful, recovering alcoholic. ODAT! Thanks for letting me share and God Bless You All!
Member: Ronnie B.
Location: Fl
Date: 11/4/2002
Time: 12:25:16 AM
I have learned in the past that when I expect something from someone and they can't deliver, it is a let down for me. Living sober today, I try not to have expectations of others, as we are only human, as I know they can't be fullfilled, therefore I know I will be let down. The only one who has never let me down is my Higher Power. If I find that God does let me down, then I know there is something wrong with me, as God only wants the best for me. I'm very grateful to be sober today and I know that is only by the Grace of God. Have a Happy and Sober day.
Member: Old Timer
Location: Love A.A.
Date: 11/4/2002
Time: 1:18:09 AM
Tony.. In my group you get a cake if you say your sober for any number of years. Avoid hard feelings and resentment by giving the person a cake if he says he's sober. You could even think about buying it yourself....to keep the peace in your group
Member: Bob F.
Location: Wisconsin
Date: 11/4/2002
Time: 7:12:13 AM
My name is bob I am an alcoholic; Blessed is he who expecteth nothing, for he shall know not disappointment!
Member: :)
Location:
Date: 11/4/2002
Time: 7:56:44 AM
Tony, to email GSO http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/default/en_services_aa.cfm?pageid=2
Member: Tom M.
Location: Homosassa FL
Date: 11/4/2002
Time: 10:15:56 AM
Hi everyone my name is Tom and I am a gratful recovering alcholic. Expectations, well I expect if I don't take that first drink today I can expect to stay sober today. Other than that I try not to expect too much of myself. When I came into this program 10 plus years ago my sponcer said to me to just set little goals. When I was successful, set some higher goals. I have found that works pretty good in all things I want to do. I try not to expect too much from myself or others. That way it is a plesant surprize when things go well. Thanks for the oportunity.
Member: Tad C .
Location: SM Kansas
Date: 11/4/2002
Time: 10:37:47 AM
Hi, I’m Tad and I’m an alcoholic. Turning my life and will over to the care of God on at least a daily basis is my best tool for the unmet expectations problem. I have a new employer and am often given jobs that were not listed on my proposed job description. These jobs are always on the new job description AA gave me. I am to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and those around me. Sounds like the expectations relationship to resentments topic has taken on a Tony subtopic of the importance of concentrating on self-recovery when faced with others that do not meet our expectations. I encourage others to work with a sponsor regarding how to work their program, just as I have worked with a sponsor. Relapse issues may not be black and white. I take those questions to my sponsor and do what I’m told. Personal example, an accidental sip of champagne punch at a wedding may have been stupid, but was not considered a relapse. I truly thought it was non-alcoholic until I felt the burning in my throat. Placing an anesthesia mask on my face and inhaling was considered a relapse, even though I didn’t get high. What should a group do regarding a question of blatant use of alcohol while individual says he is sober? We have been truly blessed with traditions that give us some wonderful guidance and I trust that group conscience guided by higher power will provide the answer. Thank you for letting me share. I am grateful for this meeting in particular and AA in general.
Member: Pam D.
Location: Anaheim, CA (but moving....)
Date: 11/4/2002
Time: 7:39:56 PM
Pam, alcoholic, here. My humble opinion is that there ARE reasonable expectations in sobriety. That we can expect that when someone gives their word on something, that they will live up to it, to the best of their ability and the circumstances surrounding them. We should only expect OURSELVES to meet expectations consistently. However, we have a right and a priviledge to set limits on what we will put up with. If someone I know is showing me, through their actions, that they cannot be trusted, I have had to learn to step back and love them from a distance. I have had to learn the hard way that alcoholics (including myself) may have the best of intentions, but may not be able to meet reasonable expectations. How I DEAL with it when my expectations are not met is what I have the program for. To become a productive member of society is a goal worth striving for. In over 6100 days of living sober (and clean) this has been my experience.
Member: Jane M.
Location: California
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 4:33:08 AM
Hi, I'm Jane and I'm an alcoholic. This is my first time here and I really like it. As to the topic, it is timely for me. I was away for the weekend and had my niece watch my dog. She had a friend over, when I asked her not to, and some other stuff, like dirty dishes everywhere, happened as well. When I asked her to do the job, I "expected" her to do as we discussed, though she has never done as asked before, meaning she frequently lets me and others down, so to speak. Anyway, because I "expected" something unrealistic, I found myself angry and resentful when she (my niece) was only acting as she always does, and it usu. doesn't bother me because I know she is this way. I still feel a bit angry and know I must let this go and just not put myself in this situation again. Anyway, I often have to pep-talk myself about too high expectations and resentments and this incident over the weekend served as a useful reminder. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Kim D.
Location: Bridgewater
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 11:05:03 AM
((Pat)) Great topic!!!! You get what you need around here... I can't write more than what everyone else here has written. For me, expectations FOR OTHERS to say, act or think the way I want them to is self-centered and will set me up for resentment and bitterness. I fall far short of the mark on expectations a lot of the time. However, AA has given me the tools to look at my side of the street when people or situations "piss me off" - see it for what it is (self-centered expectations not being met) and move on so I don't have to carry it around (resentment). ((TONY)) IMO it seems as though you and your group are putting WAY too much effort into someone elses sobriety. If we begin "policing" other members' sobriety, we set our fellowship up for failure. It is a program of honesty - especially self honesty - and it is up to this person to look at his drinking "near beer" - not yours or your groups. At least he's admitting it!!!! If you think about it - there's sure to be people in AA who claim to be sober but are NOT and don't admit it to anyone. How are you going to handle that? Let it go and keep the focus on yourself. Peace.
Member: J-
Location: NW
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 12:40:51 PM
J-alcoholic, Thank you for the topic, I was sitting here at my desk at work, thinking of that subject. I am in the middle of a process of letting go, I am hurt and dissapointed that someone did not live up to my expectation of them. Well, well, the players did not do as I said and now I am hurt, funny everyone saw this coming but me. I am turning to the steps, the big book, my sponser and my support group to help me. I think expectations are human, just how we deal with them when they are not met, and how we emotionaly react when we are let down by not only others but ourselves is the key. Honesty with myself and others is tool that I can use to match reality with my ever so crazy head. I needed to be reminded, I can;t, He can, I need to let Him. J
Member: Sarah
Location: NW USA
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 12:57:31 PM
Unrealistic expectations ... quite a topic. The program of Alcoholic Anonymous has shared their Experience, Strength and Hope giving the gift of a 'realistic expectation' ... I can choose to be a sober recovering alcoholic today rather than a hopeless, useless drunk today! I like the quote from Step 2("Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.") on p. 30 of the 12 x 12 "By their example they showed us that humility and intellect could be compatible, provided we place humility first. When we began to do that, we reci9eved the gift of faith, a faith which workds. This faith is for you, too." Thanks one and all for sharing your Experience, Strength and Hope.
Member: Joe M
Location: N.Y.
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 1:02:05 PM
Hi I'm Joe/Alcoholic. Great topic!! This is what im dealing with rite now. I related with Mike, Jeff and Anna. I've been clean over 10 years, I also stopped going to meetings. This was a very bad thing. I expected everything to go my way, guess what? I screwed it up like only this alcohlic could. Know im expecting to fix it and it will all be ok. Guess what? It aint gonna happen. I found myself with no serenity and a dry drunk. Im back in the rooms and have a sponcer. Working on my again. Turning my will and life over is what i need to do. Its s struggle, letting go of my will. The expectations of Family and My Wife is killing me. After reading all your comments on this subject and my sponcer also told me! "Stop Playin With The Clay" I need to work on this big time. I want to thank you all for sharing and thanks for letting me get closer to myself and my serenity, or Sanity. Thank you all again
Member: Sarah
Location: NW USA
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 1:14:43 PM
I apoligize ... I didn't proof read my entry before sending it.
Member: Sam
Location: NC
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 2:24:20 PM
To Tony P. re: non-alcoholic beer, wine, etc. If it says it is "less than" .05 percent, then it means just that. Fruit juice has less than .05 percent, also. Why do we worry so much about things like this? Is it our controlling personality which we still have? My question is this: Is the person sober and practicing the steps and principles of AA. Are they attending meetings and helping other alcoholics? If so, then leave these petty things alone and deal with "the alcoholic who still suffers."
Member: RAYMOND MAC
Location: SCOTLAND
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 3:20:53 PM
HI MY NAME IS RAYMOND, I STILL FIND IT FUNNY WHEN IAM 16 YEARS SOBER AND TO-DAY SOME S.O.B. CUT ME UP ON THE ROAD AND I WAS UPSET TO THE POINT I CHASED THIS GUY AROUND THE ROADS FOR A GOOD 20 MINUTES AND I WAS GOING TO KILL THIS GUY HE COULD HAVE BEEN A BIG GUY OR A NUTTER BUT I WASNT CARING THEN A FUNNY THING HAPPENED I GOT BACK ON THE PROGRAM AND HAD A GOOD LAUGH, IT ONLY TAKES A SECOND TO LOOSE IT ,ITS GOOD TO BE NORMAL AND SOBER. RAYMAC
Member: AZbill
Location: Sierra Vista, Arizona
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 3:25:04 PM
HI. Bill here. Alcoholic from Arizona. That's ok Sarah, Most of us have been online long enough to be able to read code. LOL. I have expectations. I have had them from the beginning. If I work the steps I expect the promised spiritual awakening. If I do a days work I expect a days pay. I expect results that are commensurate with my efforts, but I must be honest with my efforts. If I short cut my efforts the results will be affected. If my results are short of my expectations I go back over my work. I was just sharing with another alcoholic the fact that my sponsor gave me my first year coin and ask me to start thinking about where I would like to be at this point the following year. I chose college and expected to graduate. I did. By doing one day at a time, one semester at a time, one year at a time. But just because I made these plans and started on my journey did not mean that I was going to arrive on time or even arrive at all. In other words expectations are nothing more than goals to shoot for. I planned the trip but did not plan the results. Whatever happens, happens. Thank you for being a part of my sobriety today. Bill email"az-bill@mindspring.com
Member: Cathy S.
Location: Dover, NH
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 5:22:10 PM
To Tony P. I do not have any addresses to give you for your area. You might try having a group conscience about this issue. Even though I was told that drinking O'Douls was not staying sober, far be it for me to judge another person. However, I will pray for your friend and hope you do the same. It is his sobriety, and at least he is here. Old Timers speak at our meetings and say that near beer still has alcohol in it and it is not stay sober. Maybe an oldtimer can do the same for your group. Love of love. Good luck.
Member: Lee
Location: Canada
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 6:46:14 PM
Hi...this is a great topic, I enjoyed reading all the sharing...and it helped a lot with what I'm going through right now. It helped me step back, breathe and then figure out, the now and not the later...the past, feels like it's attacking me...and the future, just scares me...so it looks like I'm stuck with the now...and it looks like a pretty okay place ;) (wink, wink) (((Tony)))This near beer thing seems kinda interesting...I don't think it really counts as beer...I use to buy it at the corner store, when I was a kid...they just looked at us, like we were nutty and were never going to get drunk. We never got drunk, no matter how much drank. So if it doesn't affect how you feel, I don't think it should count, as beer. Mind you I don't know why anyone would really want to drink it...I can't even smell beer, without puting myself in a painful state of mind...the smell just makes me crave it. Maybe you should just give the birhtday cake and a hug...and tell them, that you think they should stay away from it...just for their own well being.
Member: Dorine DK
Location: LacBrochet,MB,CAN.
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 8:45:56 PM
Hi! My name is Dorine, I'm an alcoholic. This is my first time on line. Imagine to my delight when I found out that I could actually attend a meeting even though I am way up North of the 60th parallel. I teach in a remote community where there are no meetings. My higher power sure takes care of me. I look forward to reading your comments. I am very grateful for this service, thank you all!
Member: Dorine DK
Location: LacBrochet,MB,CAN.
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 8:46:45 PM
Hi! My name is Dorine, I'm an alcoholic. This is my first time on line. Imagine to my delight when I found out that I could actually attend a meeting even though I am way up North of the 60th parallel. I teach in a remote community where there are no meetings. My higher power sure takes care of me. I look forward to reading your comments. I am very grateful for this service, thank you all!
Member: Tom L.
Location: WV
Date: 11/5/2002
Time: 11:23:08 PM
hi, tom here and i'm an alcoholic. re: medallions or chips for O'douls (etc) drinkers---each AA group can make its own rules as long as it doesn't harm other groups or AA as a whole. If the local group considers the issue in the presence of the person in question with an honesst concern and respect for that person's sobriety, and that person listens in the same manner, then what they decide is right. That's just my opinion about the abstract query. Just to share one more thing. At a meeting several years ago, a guy, with what i observed to be pretty good sobriety for a while in one of my regularly attended groups, went back out and stayed for several months. His only comment upon his return and announcing his slip was "Non-alcoholic beer is for non-alcoholics". That was his experience. I know I learned something that day. Thanks
Member: Jack B
Location: Palo Alto, Pa
Date: 11/6/2002
Time: 2:35:23 AM
Hi, I am Jack, a real alcoholic. I try to keep expectations of myself and others to fall into two of our sayings. For myself, I try to follow to thy own self be true, and for others and myself also, live and let live usually works. Thnaks for allowing me to share and God Bless.
Member: Hamish
Location: Sydney, Australia
Date: 11/6/2002
Time: 10:13:39 AM
My names Hamish and I'm an alcoholic. Great topic Pat. Recently, on the train there was a drunk and rude guy who was a mess. Rather than getting angry I felt sorry for him because these were the kind of things I had done.That man needed help just as I did about 1 year ago. I handled this situation well but others situations can easily drive me crazy if I'm not careful. At a recent meeting, (walk in walk out lunch time)meeting an AA member walked right infront & past another member during his share! My blood boiled. I have to be careful- these things will send me mad! My sponsor told me "you can't change or control other people or things but you can change yourself!". I had settled down after about 4 hours but it cost me my serenity during that time. It was the lack of respect to the sharing member that bothered me. Anyhow, said the serenity prayer and shared my feelings with another older & sober member. I need to watch resentments! When I'm emotionally troubled the serenity prayer brings me back to serenity. Anyhow, one day at a time, go to meetings. If you don't pick up the first drink you can't get drunk. Prayers and love to you all. Thanks for helping me stay sober.
Member: Ron U
Location: ILLinois
Date: 11/6/2002
Time: 12:58:00 PM
Hi, I'm Ron... alcoholic/addict/sick bastard. On many occasions, in humor, I would equate expectations with expectorations. A sad satirical statement at first, but the model of the idea took shape in time. An expectation is roughly equal to a mouth full of spit. An expectation can be cast into the wind from my mouth, and unless I am taking careful aim, it will come back to me and leave a stain, just like spitting into the wind. If an expectation should work it's way to the edge of my tongue, the conditions must be examined. Is the flow of events in my life in line with this expectation? (if I spit it out, will it land where I can see it?). Does this expectation have a value? (am I spitting because of habit, or am I spitting on the mud on my shoe accurately, so it can be whiped off?) And can this expectation hurt me or others? (If I spit now, could it hit me or somebody else in the face?) I believe that if an expectation is goal oriented, has a positive value, and all the possible repercussions are understood, then it is a worthwhile expectation, and can be taken on with confidence. If not, go spit it in the toilet, and flush it away. May your greatest expectorations become a smooth trail behind you. [I really don't expect anyone to believe this, but it works for me] Thanks for tolerance and love.
Member: Ernie
Location: Texas
Date: 11/6/2002
Time: 2:33:29 PM
Hey, Ernie here. First I want to thank you all for being here for me. God and AA have been saving my ass on a daily basis since 1-15-99. Great topics. I'm the type of guy who will drink three cases of near beer the same day and decide this is too much trouble and expensive when I can get a faster cheaper buzz If I bought a bottle of whiskey. If coffee got me high I would be drinking It by the gallon and then decide the same thing (why am I trying to get high off of this shit?). But as you can tell I'm quite an alcoholic/addict. So I try not to lie to myself with the help and grace of God otherwise lying to myself is all I know how to do. Now concerning expectations reminds me of the actor in the Big Book who would be happy if only everyone and everything went as he planned. I'm not perfect and I am that actor sometimes trying to play the role of God again. Some where I read that God never promised everything would go our way. What He did promise was that He would never leave us or forsake us regardless of what happens in our life. The Big Book reads on p66 "We began to see that the world and it's people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others fancied or real, had the power to actually kill. How could we escape?" But nobody is perfect, especially me so how can I expect others to be perfect. We're all only human and we all need one another. This is why I am grateful to be part of this miracle making program. I hope this helped. Love to all.
Member: carmen I
Location: brookhaven pa.
Date: 11/6/2002
Time: 2:52:22 PM
"Unrealistic Expectations " are definitely premeditated resentments I just heard that monday night at a beginners meeting so true good point Pat H . from Virginia! to Sarah from NW U.S.A no need to apoligize we all have "brain farts " once in a while we are not perfect alchoholics . that is what makes us unique.
Member: Kelly M
Location: New Hampshire
Date: 11/6/2002
Time: 4:44:57 PM
Unrealistic expectations cause resentments with me only if I refuse to see a person or situation for what it really is. I try to not delude myself anymore or make excuses. I take off the rose colored glasses and call a spade a spade. I like this fable; A frog wants to cross a swamp but can't. A Crockodile says that he will bring the frog to the other side, just hop on my back. The frog hops on and halfway across the Crockodile tells the frog he is going to eat him. The frog says, But you said you would help me get to the other side! The Crockodile smiles and says, Yes, but you knew what I was when you climbed on my back... In other words don't have unrealistic expectations of any relationship or situation. Look it over carefully first, expect the worst case scenario up front. Like yesterday I went to go to an AA meeting and my car would not start. I checked the car over and can usuallly spot the obvious stuff. My neighbor came over and checked it over but could not find the problem. A friend called and said it sounded like a wet distributor cap. Another friend called said it sounded like the starter but it could be a bad plug? The starter and the battery were new so I was stumped. I called triple A to tow it to the garage. My wallet is now burning a hole threw my purse and I know this is going to hurt financially. I brace myself for the call, I swear under my breath that every mechanic is out to rip you off yada yada. I also know I need a vehicle and I have to fix what is wrong. Years ago I would have worked myself into a lather over this situation. It's not the mechanics fault my car broke and parts are expensive and he is just trying to make a living and that's why he can't fix my car for free. Now my ass is on fire when the phone rings but I'm ready for this. They fixed the problem and my car is running, burned wire caused fuel pump to stop. Ok, that will be 220.00 dollars. BUT my car is still unsafe because my brakes are gone. I knew it, here it comes... I need brake pads up front, 2 rotors, and 2 calipers to the tune of 260.00 dollars. If I don't fix these now my front end will lock up and my car will go end over end... OUCH! Well, 470.00 dollars isn't that bad. I knew when AAA towed it I would have to pay and fix it. No sense crying over spilled money. I need my car and just like anything else in life it requires upkeep. I find this approach of expecting just what I will get in the long run helps me with unrealistic expectations. Have a great day and happy motoring! .... Kelly
Member: Rick P.
Location: New Orleans, La.
Date: 11/6/2002
Time: 11:03:04 PM
Hi,I'm Rick, an alcholic. Good topic. I dont expect anything,I personnaly hope, I hope I wake up,go to work,and stay sober. To me to expect anything in life to happen is totally absurd. How can you take control over something that has no control? A person may expect honesty and sincerity from someone,but to actually get that is a very rare thing. So I expect nothing,but in return I recieve more than I deserve. I'm learning to deal with the fact that the world won't change to suit me,and I have to adjust myself, and hold near and dear to my higher power. I'm a refrigeration mechanic, and I have to go into bars all the time, to fix beer coolers and what have you. It don't make me want to drink, but it saddens me to see myself in other people,I cant expect to change those people,but they expect to change me, and they get mighty resentful and angry when I proudly announce that I'm a recovering alcoholic and go to AA, and that makes me thankful to my higher power. As far as near beer,step away from it , because if you dont,you will be very resentful to the people who have what you want. thanks for being there everyone,LOVE Rick
Member: Bill L
Location: Oregon USA
Date: 11/7/2002
Time: 2:53:30 AM
Greetings from oregon. I'm Bill, an alcoholic. I have to constantly check my expectations against reality, otherwise my "resentment rage" sets in. These days I expect I'll go to work, more or less on time, that being okay with my boss, and do more or less than is expected of me. I manage to have good days and worse days, but get all the work done that is expected of me. I have some expectations of the work done by others, but not enough to cause me disappointment if it doesn't happen. My last good resentment was against a corporation, over something they did or didn't do, and I'm sure to this day they had no idea I expected anything from them. Heheh. That's how my good resentments always work ;-) I look back and chuckle, and relax. I don't put many expectations on myself, and neither do others. Somehow I do the things that need to get done, and that happens because I did the steps, go to meetings, and live the type of life my HP has dictated for me. Thank you AA, my life has become much simpler now, at the same time life itself grows more complicated. :-)
Member: anonymous alcoholic (DOS 12/12/90)
Location: 2689 Ridgecrest Drive
Date: 11/7/2002
Time: 8:55:13 AM
Great topic. Thanks. My biggest 'unrealistic expectation' is that my life should be EASY and that everything should go MY WAY. Thanks. (Sounds kinda crazy, now that I write it out and stare at it!) :-)
Member: abc
Location:
Date: 11/7/2002
Time: 9:53:15 AM
hi
Member: Pam H.
Location:
Date: 11/7/2002
Time: 12:00:58 PM
Hello All!!! My name is Pam and I am an Alcoholic. This is the very topic that I am in great need of addressing. I have been sober for several years. I thought that I had beat the disease and began having an occasional beer. Well, needless to say my drinking has escalated again and I need to faithfully attend meetings rather that sporatically. Unrealistic expectations of myself (ourselves). We all have them. My situation now is that I work full time and go to college full time also and frankly I think the pressures have been getting to me. Remember the phrase: NEVER LET YOURSELF GET TOO HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY, OR TIRED. H.A.L.T for short. Well, many of these have been creeping up and have finally slapped me in the face with drinking again. I feel so much disappointment and am so frustrated with myself. I feel like a failure and do not want to go back to living as an active alcoholic. Any words of wisdom or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
Member: Lee
Location: Canada
Date: 11/7/2002
Time: 12:37:37 PM
(((Pam))) Your not a failure...you realized that you don't want to go back as an active alcoholic...that doesn't seem like a failure to me, and I'm sure it doesn't to anyone else here, that has read what you wrote. Take care, of yourself...best wishes xox.
Member: carmen I
Location: brookhaven pa.
Date: 11/7/2002
Time: 1:37:31 PM
does anyone know if I worded that right? feel free to be critical. thank you all!!!!
Member: Ron K.
Location: Canada
Date: 11/7/2002
Time: 5:04:02 PM
Hi, my name is Ron and I am an alcoholic. Two great topics. Being of alcoholic mind, I too sometimes have a hard time with expectations, both with myself and with others. I am learning from A.A. that this idea of perfectionism that I have, is really self-centerness in disguise. It causes me alot of problems at work with fellow workers. I have to try to remember what my second sponser told me on the subject. He said " Ron, just because a fello does not work the way you do, does not make him a bad person. Got to remember, self-centerness is the root of all my troubles. On the second topic, I can really identify with Ernie from Texas. I was a beer drinker. The first few were for the taste, all the others were for the effect. Just would have to drink about 50 to get a buzz. Can only imagine what kind of gut I have LOL. I don't think it would work for this alcoholic, don't want to try. To Pam, keep coming back. We all know the importance of HALT. Had to use it myself last evening on my way home from work. Didn't get a chance to eat all day. Started to think about a drink on the way home. Remembered HALT, had a good meal when I got home, and woke up sober. ODAT, we can't change yesterday. Wish everyone another sober 24, and keep one for myself, thanks.
Member: SHANNON H.
Location: MISSISSIPPI
Date: 11/7/2002
Time: 11:59:47 PM
HI, I'M SHANNON, AND I'M AN ALCOHLIC. I TOO SET HIGH EXPECTATIONS, BUT MOSTLY ON MYSELF. THIS IS OFTEN DANGEROUS FOR ME. I KNOW I AM HUMAN AND I WILL MAKE MISTAKES, BUT THE ONES I SHOULD HAVE SEEN COMING, OR THAT THE ONES THAT I JUST KNEW BETTER, I LET GET THE BEST OF ME. SO I GUESS ACCEPTANCE WOULD BE MY ANSWER. I AM FRESH OUT OF TREATMENT. I HAVE CLOSE TO 4 MONTHS OF SOBRIETY. I TRIED EVERYTHING TO AVOID COMING BACK HOME, BUT I ENDED UP HERE ANYWAY. I KNOW IF I AM GOING TO STAY SOBER, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO IT ANYWHERE. THIS PLACE IS JUST SO...TARNISHED. I HAVE NOT USED, BUT I CONTINUOUSLY STRUGGLE WITH GOING TO SEE OLD FRIENDS. NOT NECCESARLY ONES WHO DRINK OR USE (OF COURSE, SOME DO), BUT JUST PEOPLE I MISS, THAT ARE NOT HEALTHY FOR ME. THEY ARE ALL MEN. I'M NOT SURE WHY I HAVE SUCH AN URGE TO SEE THEM, OR LET THEM SEE ME, BUT I BATTLE WITH IT EVERYTIME I GET IN MY CAR. I SHOULD MAKE NEW FRIENDS. I JUST GOT A SPONSOR. I HAVE MY FAMILY (NO KIDS OR BETTER HALFS, ONLY 22), I JUST GET SO LONELY. I CAN'T BE THAT DAMN CO-DEPENDENT! AND I SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS IN AA. I KNOW SOME OF THE GUYS AT THE MEETINGS. SOME OF THEM I AM REALLY ATTRACTED TO, BUT AGAIN, I KNOW THEY ARE UNHEALTHY FOR ME. SO, AFTER A MEETING, I RUN STRAIGHT OUT OF THE DOOR AND JUMP IN MY CAR SO I WONT BE TEMPTED. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON. I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, AND I THRIVE OFF OF INDEPENDENCE, I GUESS I LONG FOR SOME KIND OF COMPANIONSHIP, AND I'M COMFORTABLE WITH THOSE OLD FRIENDS. THE ONES I CAN CALL AND ... WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED. I SHOULD BE FIGHTING OFF TEMPTATIONS TO DRINK, WHICH, I'M MANAGING, BUT I'M SPENDING ALOT OF TIME UTILIZING MY TOOLS TO STAY SOBER, TO STAY ALONE...LIFE IS GREAT. AND I WANT TO CONTINUE TO SUCCEED IN SOBRIETY SO THIS PATTERN MUST STOP. AM I CROSS ADDICTING!?!? AM I JUST PATHETIC AND LONELY AND USED TO PEOPLE BEING AROUND ME CONSTANTLY(IN TREATMENT)? MEN SHOULD BE THE VERY LAST THING ON MY MIND, AND NOW I CATCH MYSELF EVEN CHECKING OUT CONSTRUCTION WORKERS!!! I HAVE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I SOMEWHAT DISPISED MEN(NO OFFENSE). I MUST PUT COMPLETE FOCUS ON MY HIGHER POWER, ME, AND MY SOBRIETY, BUT I AM DETERING MYSELF. WELL, THIS PROBABLY MAKES NO SENSE, SO I WILL GO. THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE.
Member: Kelly M
Location: New Hampshire
Date: 11/8/2002
Time: 4:02:28 AM
Hi Shannon, Can't sleep and thought I'd weigh in. Your not supposed to post twice here but you can on the New Sobriety board. I think you know yourself pretty well. You nailed it when you said you thought you were cross addicted. Addiction takes many forms and when you give up one it is easy to replace it with another. I have two guy friends in the program that don't have squat, live in rented rooms and work sporatically. They have cell phones though and chase women all day at meetings or after. They can't figure out why they never get lucky??? You have to have it to give it away. In new sobriety we are told no relationships or major changes in the first year. It is because we are crawling before we can walk. I would not buy a 2 year old a 10 speed because he is not capable yet. It would only hurt him. I tell the men in the program I am not dating for the first year or more. Believe me they all talk and the word will get around. Put your sobriety first, the men aren't going anywhere and you are young and really trying to stay sober. If you do this and continue to obsess about men all the time then try counseling. Remember that any man in the program is just as sick as you are. You have a disease that you need to take care of. If you had advanced cancer would you be chasing men or going to chemo??? Just a thought. I know after 2 years of round the clock drinking/ "Leaving Las Vegas" style, and getting sober, I started to notice men again. I think it is normal to feel again after total numbness. I slapped myself upside the head and reminded myself that there is no brass ring at the bottom of the Cracker Jack box! No man can replace booze and I'm not ready for a relationship yet. You seem to already know what is wrong but need some reinforcement, that's cool and what this board is for... One drunk helping another. Best of luck and keep up the great work with your program....ODAT... Kelly
Member: Scott R
Location: Nova Scotia
Date: 11/8/2002
Time: 10:13:32 AM
Hi. I'm Scott and I'm an alcoholic. My expectations have been high and as sobriety settles in after a few years the expectations are also settling down. I can see now how my high expectations of other people and myself set me up to be resentful and angry and gave me yet another excuse to drink. The last couple of comments are about dating. when I got sober I took a year and after that time I met a wonderful girl and we had the greatest relationship of my life. It ended and we remain wonderful friends. That year makes the world of difference. It wasn't easy as a man to do that but it was worth it and I learned a lot and made a lot of great female friends - learned how to have female friends. Thanks. It's a wonderful journey.
Member: Greg N.
Location: MI
Date: 11/8/2002
Time: 3:14:51 PM
I've found that in relationships, with work, with hobbies, and in sobriety, that if I keep my expectations realistic that they ARE realized (ie: one day at a time)! Its amazing how simple this seems now, and the key to me staying sober is keeping things simple, but I just never looked at things this way until I started understanding the program and working with it in the way some old-timers in my "real-life" meetings taught me. As with Scott I've had a relationship dissolve amicably since I've been sober and everything was fine in the end. No bad feelings, no unreasonable expectations. It's just incredible what a good frame of reference can do for you. Thanks.
Member: Robert T.
Location: Beaverton Or.
Date: 11/9/2002
Time: 7:37:50 AM
Hi, Robert alcoholic, As I surely see the rains begin and summer ends, its nice to finally be inside looking out instead of outside the program and my head and heart screaming for more of the same, I am grateful to be just where I am this morning. The fellowship has given me a place to reach out a be part of a huge family of friends and experiences that are so meaniful and enriching. To be part of a great whole is a huge miracle of where I was a few months ago. I have waited so long for a chance to be a very small part of a wining team. I have found that here in A.A. Thank you so much for letting me be a participant.
Member: JL
Location: The Beach
Date: 11/9/2002
Time: 1:34:39 PM
Jeff here, alcoholic. I read all the messages above earlier in the week, and I fully expected to write something, but got called away. I did not know that I would be so affected by this discussion topic. I think my main job in staying sober is to manage my expectations and deal with those expectations. I don’t think that it is a goal of mine not to have any expectations. With just a couple of sober years under my belt I have not progressed far enough to a point where I don’t have expectations on others or myself. In my upbringing, expectations were a part of an organized life. As kids our parents expected us to do certain things and behave in appropriate ways. Of course me and my siblings didn’t always do that. But that being said we always have lead a life of expectations. Do the schoolwork and expect to be rewarded with the grades. If you treat others fairly you expect to be treated fairly in return. It does not always work, but I roll with the punches. Now being the true alcoholic that I am, somewhere along the way my expectations were totally blown out of proportion. My ability to deal with them manifested itself with relief in the bottle. I think part of it was unrealistic expectations I placed upon myself in an uncertain world and part of it was trying to “play god” trying to exert my will on the world and bend it to suit me. Disastrous. What alcoholics anonymous has done for me is to be able to be honest and take a look at my part in things and to not try and will others to do things my way. I have to remove myself from the business of the results and give that stuff over to god. I must do the best I can to deal with unmet expectations and try not to place too many demands on myself and others. I realized last night that my life is God’s puzzle. I have all the pieces, but I don’t have any box with a picture on it that tells me what I am supposed to build. That’s God’s job. I do my best to give all the pieces over to God on a daily basis, ask for guidance through the third step prayer. This is one way I have found to work for me. My unrealistic expectations begin to disappear and with God’s help I do my best to deal with the rest.
Member: DavidH
Location: NAshville
Date: 11/9/2002
Time: 6:20:16 PM
great topics, I constantley set expectations for myself and others. I didnt date my first year and after almost 2 years of real sobriety I met my wife, who is not one of us but is still very spiritual and we have a great relationship. God introduced us though when i was ready for it. As far as the near beer. I dont touch it. I do know of some cases where people drank it and then the cravings kicked in. I also know of another alcholic that its never affected. FOR ME PERSONALLY, its just not worth the risk but is really an outside issue. If a person tells me they are a sober alcoholic I take him for his word thats what my sponsor said that he did. When I was first introduced to this program, I tried the marijuana maintinence program for several years but eventually the desease kicked into high gear and I drank again and acquired some new drug addictions in the process. Sinse getting a sponsor and actually working the steps I havent found the need for a joint or even and Oduals. It takes what it takes.
Member: Lynnette T.
Location: Grandville, Michigan
Date: 11/9/2002
Time: 7:44:40 PM
Hi everyone, Lynnette, recovering alcoholic. This is my first Cyber meeting! What a wonderful opportunity to listent to others in recovery! Expectations...I constantly have to turn them over to God - because when I don't I handle them and I feel hurt, let down, dissapointed, etc. When I am dealing with life honestly all of that is unnecessary and most likely I am creating chaos and drama in my now normally serene life. It's all about those addictive behaviors, which a few 24hrs. into recovery I realize were and are the problem - the alcohol was the way I tried to hide from them. In treatment I heard "the higher your expectations the lower your serenity" I remember that and try (sometimes I have to try harder than others) to keep my expectations realistic - of others and myself, with the goal being to not have expectations, but "just" to live and let live! Thanks for listening!
Member: AnilG
Location: MtVernon,IL
Date: 11/9/2002
Time: 10:27:15 PM
I am an alcoholic unrealistic expectations dont lead to dissapointments in fact I dont have any expectations from anyone especially when i do good deeds that way I dont feel bad at all I think that is god;s will and continue to work on my recovery and do gods work. thanks to aa and alanon.
Member: Herb
Location: Vancouver B.C.
Date: 11/10/2002
Time: 2:36:55 AM
Pam, don't beat yourself up about the relapse; fall off a horse....get right back on! You're doing just that, so just put the lesson learned in your pocket and talk to people about it; we're only as sick as our secrets.As for the topic of near beer: Tony P., tradition four, I think, is the one that states each group is autonomous, so you guys can decide as a group how you feel about the issue. To my thinking, Sam in N.C. said it all when he said stick to the important things and don't be sitting around judging. I didn't even know Nyquil had alcohol in it(Pat G.'s post) and I had some last winter when I had a cold. Do you think that's going to make me change my sobriety date?! Not likely! I've had five or six .05 cans in the six years that I've been sober but here's the important part....never more than one at a time and never on an empty stomach. I haven't had one in the last couple of years or so but if I decide I want one, I'll have one, knowing that I am not drinking to get drunk nor am I putting my sobriety at risk.To me it all comes down to the individual alcoholic; only he or she knows what will be risky behaviour. We need to trust our gut more and pay attention to absolutes less. There, had my two cents worth....hope everyone has a good 24. Oh,
Member: Ron L
Location: Winnipeg. Man. Can.
Date: 11/10/2002
Time: 5:48:38 AM
If near beer is okay to drink, How come in the 29 years Ive been sober that I havent seen it stocked in the refrigerators of A.A. club rooms? How about trying to stay sober doing only 0.5 % of the program. What ever Happened to the words " We will seldom be intrested in liquor. If tempted we recoil as if from a hot flame. Pg. 84 B.B. And if you think 0.5 is not alcohol then why not say 98% isent either DUMB DUMB DUMB