Member: Donna R
Location: Regina Sask Can
Date: 9/8/2002
Time: 7:46:45 AM
Ive been sober now for three months . Ive read the big book and am on step three, The other day my sponsor told me to be celibate for the first year of my sobriety. Im not one to jump into bed at a wimm, Im 27 years old, single and have not been in a relationship for around five years, Where in the A.A. literture does it suggest that now that Im getting sober one day at a time that I must live a life celibate?
Member: Karlene K.
Location: Missouri
Date: 9/8/2002
Time: 9:00:48 AM
Donna, No where does the program tells to remain celibate. The sex issue is addressed openly in our literature and in our groups. I was in the program for about 5 years when I made a conscious decision to not get involved with another man for at least a year while I focused on my recovery. I wish I had made that decision sooner. I would have bypassed some very sick relationships. It enabled me to peel away the layers of the onion by focusing on my program. As we became healthier, our relationships became healthier. I have been so grateful for that decision, and that time. Discovered a me in sobriety that God and I love. Hang in there and keep coming back.
Member: Eddie B
Location:
Date: 9/8/2002
Time: 9:49:39 AM
It helps to know who you are in order to be part of a relationship...otherwise we just look to get fixed...its not the time in recovery but the progress one has made... after steps 4 & 5 we begin to make conscious changes in the way we choose to live our lives, (steps 6 & 7). But if you don't wait you'll learn valuable lessons anyway...alot of us have.
Member: PappyPaw B.
Location: Michigan
Date: 9/8/2002
Time: 10:11:27 AM
Hi I am PappyPaw, I am a grateful alcoholic. I had a wonderful thing happen right off this morning! I awoke sober. Because of this, I have a choice of how I will spend today. I am going to give myself another day free from alcohol and work at growth at my program recovery. "Doing what it takes for me to get sober" or "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thourghly followed our path. A Program of recovery where rigorous honesty is required." Good topics Sponsorship too! You did not say if your sponsor was male or female Donna. I have never seen a cross sex sponsorship work very well. It is best to go man with man/woman with woman. Sex at the meeting never has worked at all and always has led to yet another disaster as one of the two is usualy stll involved or married and not being "rigorously honest" about it all. Several would be sponsors are looking for a play ground and this too is bad for both. Give the sponsorship some good rational thought..Pick someone who has experience and qualities you respect and desire...One of "Rigorous Honety" who will give you the "tough love you need for recovery. If you get a bad sponsor...fire him and get another..Nowhere does it say we have to keep him/her! I have seen people go to all kinds of measures trying to achive soberiety then follow the "Big Book and find it. If your program of recovery is more difficult than than your down hill vicious cycle of drinking...You will probably go back to drinking...most do. I needed a program that eased my miseries and brought me spiritual relief. I was fortunate and found a wonderful sponsor (Goshen Bill). It has been almost 30 years now...One Day At A Time. I am going to enjoy today. You stay sober, make a meeting, read the "Big Book" and enjoy today Donna.. PappyPay B. ><>
Member: Valerie M.
Location: Canada
Date: 9/8/2002
Time: 10:59:44 AM
I would recommend steering clear of starting new relationships for the first year of sobriety. I wholeheartedly agree with Karlene and Eddie that getting to know your "new" sober self and uncovering the you stuffed under the layers of a numbing addiction have to be accomplished before you can give to anyone else in a new relationship. When I became sober I was already married (for a whole six months!) and that was a feat in itself. The drinking me that dated my man and married him was a lot different than the person I uncovered in recovery. "First things first". Have a great week, everyone - thanks for being there.
Member: Joy V.
Location: Arizona
Date: 9/8/2002
Time: 11:52:25 AM
Most people don't like the idea of not getting involved in a relationship the 1st year, and addictively go about doing whatever they please. My observation is that this attitude and behavior can seriously interfere with your progress in the program. So my question is, "How much of a priority is your recovery?" As alcoholics we have been models of self-will run riot, which got us into trouble in the first place. My suggestion is to take a serious honest look (in relationships or otherwise)at your motives and your level of selfishness. I've actually heard it suggested that it's better to not make ANY major life changes in the first year of sobriety. Of course there are circumstances beyond your control, but this is good guideline. From my point of view, change is stressful, even good change. When I'm under stress and dealing with juggling too many things at once, my tendency is to act out addictively. Letting go of a major addiction is a big deal and a new relationship can interfere with your focus. Plus people can pull all kinds of stunts to try and mess with your sobriety, even people in the program. Donna, you've seen something you want in your sponsor or you wouldn't have asked for her help. Ultimately what you do or don't do is between you and God, but sponsors are there to help guide & provide support. As with any suggestion of this type the motive behind it is to protect you. We can learn a lot from those that have gone before us. Be blessed.
Member: AZbill
Location: Sierra Vista, Arizona
Date: 9/8/2002
Time: 2:52:16 PM
Bill here, alcoholic from Arizona. Good topic, Donna. There were a couple of things that caught my attention in your post. One was "on a whim". I have not jumped into bed "on a whim" since I got sober. I don't give my tadpoles to just anyone. :) One other thing you mentioned was that you ".... read the big book and are on Step Three. Reading the Big Book will not get us sober unless we "follow the instructions" as we read. And it is much better to read the Big Book early on under guidance. Of all the suggestions given thus far the one that stands out the most to me is to first get to know yourself. We do this in the Fourth Step. The Fourth Step consists of three inventories, anger, fear, and our sex lives. The answer to your questions will be found on page 69. Please do not get confused and read page 96!! The key sentences on page 69 are... WE (That is us) do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. And, God (That ain't us) alone can judge our sex situation. We ask God to mold our ideals and help us live up to them. There is also a simple test on page 69 which we subject each relation to-- was it selfish or not? This program is designed to get right with ourselves, get right with God, then and only then can we get right with others. Even at that, some of us will be ready for sex on day 364 and some of us will not be ready on day 366. Thank you for being a part of my sobriety today. Love ya, Bill az-bill@mindspring.com
Member: Bonny G
Location: Hot Springs, AR
Date: 9/8/2002
Time: 4:02:34 PM
Bonny, grateful recoverying alcoholic, thanks for the topic on the first year of sobreity and being celibate. As a sponsor myself, I can only "suggest" that my sponsee stay out of a relationship for the first year. I want them to work the steps, get involved in meetings and AA functions. I have seen too many people who get sober and jump into a relationship with another recoverying alcoholic and they will usually both end up drinking again within the year. To me it is very important that the sponsee get a good foothold in the program and learn who they are and their own likes and dislikes before getting involved. Sometimes we are swayed by the opinions of others, just to keep peace. And there are those who compare what their sponsor's are doing with each other. What works for one, doesn't always work for another. I am happy being single in AA, I am free to make the meetings I want, go out to coffee or dinner with fellow members and even go to conventions of my choice. This is a wonderful life and I am grateful to have it. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Jim C
Location: Albany, NY
Date: 9/8/2002
Time: 4:04:48 PM
Hi, I'm Jim and I'm an alcoholic. The topic is a good one. Actually, I don't believe that "living celebate" can be found in the 12 & 12. When I came into AA, 25+ years ago, the suggested direction was "try to avoid decisions that have high emotional potential". We alcoholics were never very good at handling emotional situations sober. Reltionships, of any kind, lead the list of matters with high emotional potential and, over the years, I have heard many a twist on that advice, which has now been translated into "living celebate". It makes good sense to avoid the emotional traps of relationships, if they can be avoided or postponed. Otherwise, the alcoholic should be on guard that an emotional twist, of any kind, could flip him/her back into drinking. So, Easy Does It, or use good common sense and put Sobriety first.
Member: Jeff
Location: Ne.
Date: 9/8/2002
Time: 4:29:49 PM
Wise advice from your sponsor. I wish i would have followed my sponser`s advice on this subject, for i met this cute blonde haired, blue eyed heart breaker when i was way less than a year sober. As you can probly tell i "was in love" hell i didn`t even know what the word love ment, yet. I was unable to love me let alone another person. As most of you can guess this relationship did not work. We were both to sick to see that this was NOT a good thing. Love was not the word, it was more like lust. This relationship almost cost me what little soberiety that i had & was the most lonely sober times in my life or so i made it that way, no one understood me, no one knew what pain i felt (bla, bla, bla bullsh-t). Well any way it took another inventory to get truthfull about it. Thank god that the people in AA never gave up on me. I will truly be gratefull for what i have learned in AA. Trust me, stay clear of relationships for the first. And talk more with your sponser about this subject.
Member: John H
Location: Indiana, USA
Date: 9/8/2002
Time: 7:01:07 PM
John here, an alcoholic. Hello, to all. A great question and topic. My priority is sobriety and growth in spirituality. Along with the program and a sponsor, I must focus on gaining an undertanding and relationship with the Higher Power. I cannot serve the program nor the Higher Power if I invite a distraction as a sexual relationship can be while still in the early experience in the program. One year, two or what in order to become consistently sober and cleared headed in all areas; emotionally, financially, spiritually. If one just focuses on recovery, unity and service, in time a proper relationship will come about---if we work in that direction.
Member: Kimberley
Location: washington
Date: 9/8/2002
Time: 11:35:57 PM
Kimberley here recovering alcholic. I always hated that statement stay uf of relationships. i think they mean sexual ones, i believe that god puts people in your path either to teach or to be taught, there have been many times in my sobriety that some of my best sponsors were relationships. Some of them even have saved my life more than once, itis only a suggestion, for you tostay out of them for a year, looking back now i would say the first five years!!!!, the beauty of this porgram is that we have a guide called the twelve steps, we are after all only human. also be careful of setting yourself up for resentments by not following your sponsors advice, they are there to guide us through the 12 steps not to be judge jury and excutioner, keep coming back. and pray
Member: BUDDYM
Location: TX
Date: 9/9/2002
Time: 8:54:54 AM
HI BUDDY M, I AM AN ALCHOHOLIC AND HAVNT HAD A DRINK SINCE MEMDAY 1997 THANKS TO GOD AND EVRYONE WHO HELPED ME. I THINK THE BIGGEST MISTAKE WE CAN MAKE IS STARTING A RELATIONSHIP WHILE STILL STRUGGLING WITH THE EARLY STAGES OF SOBRIETY!! I FOUND I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO LIVE ALL OVER AGAIN. PLEASE BE CAUTIOS. TRY TO PICTURE A BABY JUST STARTING TO WALK, THEN IMAGINE THAT SAME TODDLER TRYING TO JUMP THE HURDLES! THAT IS HOW I FELT THE FIRST TIME I TRIED TO GET SOBER AND JUMPED INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH A FELLOW ALCHOHOLIC IN EARLY RECOVERY. WE BOTH FELL BACK AND BLAMED THE OTHER. NO ONE CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO OR GIVE YOU A REASON TO DO IT. THESE DECISIONS YOU MUST MAKE ON YOUR OWN, WE CAN ONLY RELATE TO YOUR FEELINGS BY TELLING OUR EXPERIENCES. PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS.
Member: Tom S
Location: NYC
Date: 9/9/2002
Time: 9:00:58 AM
Tom, alcoholic. My first year of sobriety was about reflection; taking the suggestions, making meetings, listening to my sponsor and other people in recovery, making a conscious contact with my higher power, showing up for whatever I needed to do, and not picking up that first drink. I was too busy to be in any lovey-dovey relationship. I slid into my bottom over the course of several years, during which I broke up an 18 yr relationship, and immediately flew into 3 back-to-back rebounds. Sex and love were big triggers for my drinking and when I hit bottom I wanted to get sober at any cost. That meant taking my sponsors suggestion to make sobriety my #1 priority in my life. Especially for that first very reflective year where I needed to be real gentle and careful with myself. In that first year, with enough on my plate (I was also employed full-time and taking college courses part-time), I kept it very simple and made that AA meeting my focus of the day. And I was more than willing to steer clear of the political drama and emotional stress that new relationships can bring.
Member: Joe P.
Location: Chicago
Date: 9/9/2002
Time: 9:47:38 AM
My name is Joe, and I am an alcoholic. I don’t have a lot of experience with celibacy in first year, as I came to AA married. But I know my sponsor’s take on such issues, and mine as well, is that as sponsors we are not relationship counselors. There may be advantages to no relationships and no sex during that first year sober, but it’s really none of my business what you choose, who you date, and whether you have sex. No matter what you choose, I suggest – Don’t drink and go to meetings. Read the Big Book. Go through the steps with a sponsor. And at least consider the advice of others who have experience with relationships in early sobriety.
Member: Craig L (Dogmanor@yahoo.com)
Location: Aloha, Oregon
Date: 9/9/2002
Time: 10:17:37 AM
There is no doubt in my mind about my own insanity before I came into AA. Part of this insanity was to see others as walking genitals. Either you were a potential sex partner or you were not. I did not know how to be a friend. I did not know how to love you or myself. I did continue a sick sexual compulsion for my first year into sobriety, but rigorous honesty with my sponsor helped my see the futility of these empty relationships. He never judged or told me I was wrong. Mostly he listened while I evolved through the noise in my head. Today, I try to let God direct my life. I don’t grasp for things and try to stay in the present.
Member: Ron L
Location: Winnipeg. Man. Can.
Date: 9/9/2002
Time: 10:18:48 AM
Alcohlics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience.....Once we get away from that statement, all sorts of things happen, the most important being. That we are no longer talking on a one to one basis, but from a position of authority. Page 68 of the Big Book says we tried to be sensible, that human opinions would go to absurd extremes It has been my experience that in my first year of soberty. that when I had a one night roll in the hay that I was not condemned' nor was my punishment..... I would not get to know myself. My sponsor told me to be sensible. now that Im a sponsor I pass on the same message. Ive always viewed sex to be healthy at least that is what I was taught Just because smoking kills Im not about to advise new commers to not smoke in the first year of their sobtiety
Member: Faith B
Location: FL
Date: 9/9/2002
Time: 11:54:42 AM
Hi, I'm Faith and a most grateful alcoholic. Donna, that is a great suggestion from your sponsor. Although I have never read in any 'AA' literature that we are to remain celibate for the 1st year of sobriety, it is, however, a significant piece of the 4th step inventory. Like alcohol, sex, among other choices, can be addictive in nature. I drank to feel better and to drown my miserable sorrows, which is a temporary fix to a more permanent problem. Sex can be used in very much the same way, causing one to redirect the focus of the program onto another person rather than oneself. Some good reasons to remain abstinent is to see if you in fact can, and to recognize how sex may have been used as a coping mechanism to build self esteem, ego, etc. This program is about growing, following directions and suggestions, and developing a manner of living that is rigorously honest. Thanks for sharing and allowing me to share.
Member: Barb M.
Location: Florida
Date: 9/9/2002
Time: 12:06:48 PM
Barbara, alcoholic. Like some others, I came into AA married, but I do know how important it is for us to concentrate on ourselves and our recovery - the first year (and always!) For me, I think a new relatinship would fall into that category as well... My husband and children had to understand the importance of the meetings, the importance of my reading the AA materials, and the importance of putting myself first - It is the only way I am going to make it - 16 months and counting! I'll keep coming back.
Member: Tom G.
Location: Michigan
Date: 9/9/2002
Time: 1:21:20 PM
Tom, alcoholic. I am very grateful for your post, Donna R. You bring up an important point. Getting sober is a major change, one that requires reaching out for help in ways we are not accustomed to. The relationship that I gradually develop with a Higher Power through going to meetings and working the steps is the one I need to focus on because it will help me to live life on life's terms successfully. "We are not saints. The point is we are willing to grow along spiritual lines... " Whatever you do, Keep Coming Back!!
Member: Tom G.
Location: Michigan
Date: 9/9/2002
Time: 1:21:47 PM
Tom, alcoholic. I am very grateful for your post, Donna R. You bring up an important point. Getting sober is a major change, one that requires reaching out for help in ways we are not accustomed to. The relationship that I gradually develop with a Higher Power through going to meetings and working the steps is the one I need to focus on because it will help me to live life on life's terms successfully. "We are not saints. The point is we are willing to grow along spiritual lines... " Whatever you do, Keep Coming Back!!
Member: Don C.
Location: Arlington Tx.
Date: 9/9/2002
Time: 3:22:40 PM
Don, Alcoholic here, No place in AA literature does it tell me not to have sex. No matter what the period of time.What I tell my single sponsee's is if they are going to have sex, try to make sure that both parties know there are no strings attached. That it is for mutual pleasure only and that no one gets hurt. The book tells me that we all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't, and after all we are human beings. It has been my experience that when I tell someone not to do something, that is the first thing they are going to do. After a few tries they will normally find out that they are not having nearly as much fun as they supposed they would. Most AA's that I have seen really want a healty relationship, so I take them to the Twelve and Twelve where Bill talks about having a healty relationship. Normally everything works out the way God intended it to anyway. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Omar
Location:
Date: 9/9/2002
Time: 4:14:04 PM
I once answered a 12 step call, along with another alcoholic (female). When we got to the address, we found a very nice woman in her mid to late forties who had been holed up drinking for months. We managed to get her to meetings, but unfortunately didn't protect her very well. Before very long a handsome young devil who hung around the clubhouse had her eyes in the stars. They quickly married, sold the nice home the newcomer had, and went traveling in a new expensive motor home. Later I heard the sad news that he had cleaned her out, and she had gone back drinking, disillusioned with AA. He disappeared, but reputedly is still hitting the various AA clubs around the country.
Member: Anne M
Location: NY
Date: 9/9/2002
Time: 7:55:59 PM
Hi, I'm Anne & I'm an alcoholic. I wasn't told to remain celebate for the first year (I am married), but it was suggested that I do not make any major life changes in the first year. If I were single, I would interpret that to mean not to start a relationship or just plain have sex with anyone. I feel this is sound advice, because beginning a relationship when one is just rediscovering their relationship with one's self can be emotionally overwhelming; and just having sex to have sex can certainly complicate the emotions as well. In my case, I am in the opposite position: not to get out of a relationship in the first year. I am not in a good marriage, but to end it now would be undue emotional duress at a time when my coping skills are nil. And, since I have not yet worked out what part I have played in this marriage, I can not yet say for sure that there is no hope for it to work.
Member: Yvonne F.
Location: Chicago
Date: 9/9/2002
Time: 9:00:09 PM
Hi my name is Yvonne and I'm a recovering alcoholic. Just wanted to add to the posts and say the message of focusing on your sobriety and your relationship with yourself before getting involved emtionally or physically with another is a life time lesson. My experience in the past was to go from one relationship to another so I did not have to feel the hurt after a break up. What I was doing however was not dealing with the emotions I felt and simply masking them with another person. This type of behavior or pattern can continue for many years even after reaching sobriety if you don't recognize it for what it is.
Member: jenn
Location: down south
Date: 9/10/2002
Time: 10:33:49 AM
Even at a young age it is important to focus on your sobriety your first year. It doesn't mean you can't enjoy life, and sex is part of life. It Does mean that the more time you put into your program the more you will get out of it. I've seen sponsees who look for answers to their problems in others and sustitute their drinking and drugging addiction for sex addiction, This does not work, it just gets you into co-depency issues - equally painful. Talk to your sponsor, and look to others who are single with long term sobriety that you admire, someone that "has what you want" and ask how they did it.
Member: Sarah D
Location: Boston
Date: 9/10/2002
Time: 2:19:18 PM
I was at a meeting a coupla days ago where one of the speakers shared that when she came into the program and heard the suggestion not to be in a relationship for her first year, she told her husband he could have that side of the house and she'd take this one - LOL! I came into the program married and remember being told to keep the focus on myself and not make any major changes in my first year. Now that 2 and a half years have gone by, I've left my husband and I find myself immediately searching for a new relationship. The insanity is that I will do anything in order to not look at me, to focus on my growth and recovery. Always looking for something to fill that "God sized hole" inside me. Thanks for the topic - it helped me to re-evaluate my current motives.
Member: Beth S
Location: Mississippi
Date: 9/10/2002
Time: 3:23:02 PM
Bill W. had his *white light* spiritual experience before the BB or steps were written...MY question is How did he know *having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps* would happen???? He had not done the steps Oh i am so confused????? help
Member: John B
Location: Louisville, KY
Date: 9/10/2002
Time: 4:00:58 PM
Hi, John alcoholic. Wanted to try to answer Beth's question about how Bill could write "having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps" when he had his spiritual experience before he had even written the steps. I'm no AA historian, but have read a little of AA's history. The best answer I can give is that Bill's friend, Ebby, who Bill met with in his kitchen and who told Bill of his spiritual experience and release from alcohol, was a member of the Oxford Group which much of early AA was modeled after. The Oxford Group believed in turning our life over to God, doing an inventory, making restitution, etc. but was not geared toward alcoholics. In writing the Big Book Bill drew from the Oxford Group principles,Dr. Silkworth, Rev. Sam Shoemaker, William James "Varieties of Religious Experiences," other spiritual literature and the experience of the first 100 AA's in outlining our 12 steps. Although not formally written in 1935 when Bill had his "white light" experience, if you look around pages 12-13 in the Big Book (not sure b/c don't have BB with me as I type), you'll see Bill essentially went through the 12 steps as he would later write them. On a different note, to Beth, you remind me of me:wanting to intellectually master the program before working it. Take it from me, you'll get much more relief from working the steps as best you can than seeking to understand the program. As a boss of mine once told me, I suffer from "paralysis by analysis." Keep it simple sweetie. God bless.
Member: Robert T.
Location: Portland Or.
Date: 9/10/2002
Time: 11:41:05 PM
Hi! My name is Robert and I am an alcoholic. My view on celibate for the first year is like most everyone has shared. They tell you not to get into relationships for the first year. This doesn't mean you have to be not human. We all have desires sober or not. The important thing to remember is be sure to check your motives. An old sponsor told me that if you are going to have sex be sure and call it that. Don't go out and buy rings or a wedding gown. For me it is important for me to focus on my recovery at 3 months and a few days. Thanks for letting me share. I love you all. Robert T.
Member: xxxxxx
Location: xxxxxxx
Date: 9/11/2002
Time: 1:22:16 AM
Dear everybody, especially Donna. I don't know whether my words help but this subject is probably the most talked about subject in AA other than soberity itself. The living sober book (AA approved) does state to try and steer clear of emotional intanglements in the first year, probably because it makes living sober easier if we only have ourselves to deal with. I didn't follow the rules, had sex at 67 days sober, moved in with him at 1 year and 2 months and then left at just about 4 years sober. Since that time I have been trying to feel the void with other relationships, sex, gambling and whatever else I can use that isn't alcohol or drugs. And I'll tell you something Donna, I don't believe I am getting any better.I'm sober yes, but, I feel more fucked up now then I did in early sober, but I believe I understand why. I used my relationship in early soberity to avoid feeling and looking at myself. Something to take the focus off of me and now at just turned 6 years sober, I really am emotional mess because when I take away the relationship and or sex, take away the gambling, I still have me to deal with and I still don't like myself very much and I still hurt and I still hate. I did a 4th step a few years back and dumped alot of garbage from the past. But in the last 2-3 of soberity I'm just building another pile. So I am trying to avoid relationships with men, sex and gambling and see if I can get better. I hope this helped.
Member: Paul.M.
Location: vancouver Canada
Date: 9/11/2002
Time: 1:42:22 AM
paul greatfull alcoholic,i to have difficulty in my recovery,i am 10months sober and in a loving relationship for a few years.my partner also works in a pub and enjoys a few on occasion.i have a wonderful sponser who tells me not to make any major changes in my life,but if i hade the choice ithink the single life would have been an easier road for me.sorry,im just confused and a little unsure.
Member: Donna R
Location: Regina Sask Can
Date: 9/11/2002
Time: 9:57:15 PM
Thanks for all the help thats being directed my way, talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill, the posting before the last is a good example. I don't have a relationship problem nor have I ever spent more than $10.00 on a lotto ticket at any one time. I like to go on a date, supper, show, a drive in the country. etc. etc. I just asked there in the A.A. literature does it say that I have to live a life of celibate, for the first year and why I can't take the date a step further if I so choose, My God Im 27 years old. So The Living Sober Book says to try ( TRY ) steer clear of emotional tanglements, no page was given, but does it also say that if I take my date one step further I will have to suffer. for the rest of my life. as many of you have suggested??
Member: Not important
Location: They won`t tell me
Date: 9/11/2002
Time: 11:46:31 PM
Carefull Donna, if you ask for help you just may get some!
Member: Miranda C
Location: Vermont
Date: 9/12/2002
Time: 7:31:30 AM
Hi Donna, I was single for six years, no dates, no sexual relationships started going to meetings last August and finally had my last drink Jan 15th. Three or four months later started seeing a guy I had met at meetings. I thought long and hard about it because I didn't want the relationship to be a distraction from the main event - staying sober, working on the steps. Couldn't find anything in the literature that said I should be celibate for a year, did hear it suggested. In the 12 and 12 I believe it does say one should beware of love at first sight at AA meetings which is good advice for anyone anywhere not just in AA. Anyway I'm still seeing him, we've had our ups and downs, I'm still sober, 8 months now, working on the steps and so far it's all working out. If he gave me the boot tommorow I'd still be sober and still be working on the steps. I think the emphasis on staying away from emotional entanglements can be good and can be bad. It can be good if you are the type to let emotional entanglements distract you and take over your life and become the main event. It can be bad if you are the type who enjoys emotional entanglements but understands that the main event is living a sober and happy life. If you are the type who can have sex without emotional entanglement more power to you. I'm not. Going out on a dinner date is not what I would consider an emotional entanglement. Do what is right for you. Good to see you posting George S, you sound good.
Member: Dawn H
Location: California
Date: 9/12/2002
Time: 12:12:06 PM
Hi, ((Donna)) I took care of my Mom for almost 5 years(and she took care of me). After she died, I had 17 years of sobriety. I went crazy like a kid in a candy store. My energy for those five years was spent being with my Mom and laughing and taking her places. So I was like a young girl on her own for the first time. I saw a couple of men that were AA members. Thinking if these men were sober, they would be good matches for me. Both men turned out to have more problems than I had when I was drinking. With one man, I started becoming the enabler... With the other man, he walked out and never called again. So instead of me using what I had learned and practiced in AA, I got into relationships that were the type I had found in the bars. Now I have a couple of great men friends who I have known over 25 years. I haven't jumped into a relationship. I still need to keep working on my program and hopefully, there will be a man in my future.
Member: Alex G.
Location: Wisconsin
Date: 9/12/2002
Time: 1:09:30 PM
I see many comments regarding "emotionak entanglements:, like being in a relationship is suppose to cause you to feel under the gun. I don't know about any one, but for me, I love the idea, of sharing my feelings with the woman I love. If I'm sharing the feelings, I'm not sharing the love. I know that sometimes it's good to sit back and allow someone to go through things. It is only natural to have this happen when something is happening to someone you love. The only part that helps me, is to understand when to take all that on. If I didn't feel sad or glad for the things that were going on with my wife, then maybe it's time for me to look at why I'm there.
Member: Dark M
Location: HN
Date: 9/12/2002
Time: 3:49:14 PM
(Donna) I was married 20 years when I started my first year of sobriety. Had I remained celibate I would have missed out on at least 4 sexual experiences.
Member: cynthia H.
Location: florida
Date: 9/12/2002
Time: 5:48:31 PM
Hi im an alcoholic and my name is cindy i have been in recovery for 3 yrs and ive also been in a relationship and its not so easy believe me i have struggled with this one for a while now we both are in the program and we both are very sick we came in with alot of baggage and its very hard. I definitley recommend staying out of a relationship for the first 5 years if you ask me. so that way you can find out who you are and what you really want in life.
Member: melanie c.
Location: austin, tx.
Date: 9/12/2002
Time: 7:59:20 PM
well, this is another question on relationships. i had 13 yrs. sober, stopped going to mtgs., stopped working the steps and relapsed for 4 yrs. i am now back in the program (by the grace of God!) my new sponsor also told me to be celibate for the first year. but i don't feel like a complete newcomer due to my prior a.a. experience. so, i'd like some feedback on this celibacy thing.........
Member: Jennifer K
Location: Dallas TX
Date: 9/13/2002
Time: 2:48:11 AM
None of the AA literature states we should not have sex at any time during our recovery. I just love the fact that all the people who don't recommend it have not done it! LOL. My current sponsor doesn't care about who I eat with, sleep with, bank with, etc. Her only concern is my sobriety and my relationship with my HP. After all, alcohol is but a symptom. I must learn to live sober under any and all conditions. With God's help, this program and people like all of you, I believe I can do it - one day at a time. Life must continue to be lived or what is the point anyway? Love to all in and out of recovery. Keep coming back!
Member: Tom M.
Location: S. Fla
Date: 9/13/2002
Time: 10:55:30 AM
Donna: Don't drink and go to meetings, if you find someone or something that feels good use your SOBER judgement. If everyone in the program agrees not to have a relationship for a year, you ain't going to meet anyone anyway. LOL. Talk to your sponsor if your in doubt, and by all means ENJOY your sober life. It does get better.
Member: Alex G.
Location: Wisconsin
Date: 9/13/2002
Time: 8:21:15 PM
Hi, I'm Alex. I wonder the same thing about the whole " no relationships for a year thing." That was 18 years ago today. It wasn't till later I it dawned on me. It wasn't because I was being punished or I was a bad person. It was because I was so sick, that I didn't have any thing to offer anyone. I was too selfish,and too busy looking for someone out there to fix my feelings. I admit it was so scary not knowing if there was going to be someone out there for me. I went along with what my sponsored told me, and spent hours on the phone with him, trying to state my case regarding getting into a relationship. Like I said, that was 18 years ago. God put someone in my life, and now I understand why it was so important to wait. I was a "works in progress" type of man. I needed to become emotionaly, physically, and spiritually secure. I have to admit, it took some time to become financially secure. When I had all that, God put in my life a woman that is now my best friend, and secure in herself in many ways. There is such a sense of security, and admiration for each other. I don't take her for granted, and I appreciate every day we are together. There is nothing in our lives that we cannot get through. I still have bouts with insecurity, but now I can deal with it, instead of lashing out.......*smile* I am rambling, so I will end this. Thank all of you for letting me share.
Member: N/A
Location: Cyberspace
Date: 9/13/2002
Time: 10:14:48 PM
I mostly think that life without my sex drive would be a wonderfull thing. The time I have wasted along with money and self-respect could have all been bipassed. Why my HP gave it to me was for procreation: I know that, but a less potent serving of that medicine would have accomplished the same end. Sometimes it makes me feel as though my HP is playing tricks on me throughing me out of control. Women, Women, Women. Their cures is the power and ours is the drive. I can only speak from my side of the field.
Member: N/A
Location: Cyberspace
Date: 9/13/2002
Time: 10:16:54 PM
I mostly think that life without my sex drive would be a wonderfull thing. The time I have wasted along with money and self-respect could have all been bipassed. Why my HP gave it to me was for procreation: I know that, but a less potent serving of that medicine would have accomplished the same end. Sometimes it makes me feel as though my HP is playing tricks on me throughing me out of control. Women, Women, Women. Their cures is the power and ours is the drive. I can only speak from my side of the field. I am a qualified member: don't want to piss anyone off by listing my favorit compounds.
Member: Mike W
Location: Hillsdale Mi. USA
Date: 9/13/2002
Time: 10:56:00 PM
Hi, I'm an alcoholic, My problem is Mike. I'd Like To Share my own rendition of part of a storie I heard of ... A newcomer in the program asked her sponcer the same ??? you asked Donna and she told her she would find what she was looking for on Pg.69 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous..Now bare in mind that the Writers of the Big Book Had No Predetermined Effort that determined what page this would fall on after the processes of putting the work to print..Let's all go there and see what her sponcer wanted her to read.......... Now, The story has it that in the time it took to get home the young prospect got the numbers backwards and went home to turn to Pg.96 Lets all turn to that page and see what she read ......Reality is sometimes stranger than fiction....Thanks for helping me to keep sober!!
Member: JB
Location: IL
Date: 9/14/2002
Time: 2:12:28 AM
Spirituality- Maybe one rreason I drank was to try to block other people out. Those not in AA and are superficial, mostly,everyone. It just occured to me that all the AA members naturally function in a spiritual way. I don't think most people kno what spirituality is, not to demean them it;s just the way of the world now.
Member: AnilG
Location: Mt Vernon
Date: 9/14/2002
Time: 8:45:00 AM
I am anil an alcholic and an addict I have been married for almost 30yrs after I have been sober for almost 4yrs I started to see trouble in my marriage sex was becomming less common more I attached to GOD more distant relatioship got with no end in site. more pressure I got at home more meetings I attended which made things even worse I was accused of having sex relatiotion my spouse called the meetings chairpersons and other aa members try to verify my attendence which was cousing complications in annonymity I had to stop going to these meetings becouase of embrassment that I recieved. now that I have seperated I dont think I will get involved in any relatioship for awhile becouse I plan to remain focused on my recovery. thanks to aa.
Member: Dawn L.
Location: British Columbia
Date: 9/14/2002
Time: 3:26:48 PM
When I first sobered up I was married for 20 years. My sponsor told me to put my sex life on hold until I went through the steps and got emotionlly stable once again. I was so desperate and excited to find that there was hope for me to actually stay sober, I was going to follow everything that I was told. Needless to say my husband was not too pleased with my new found way of life and ended up leaving me. Today I refer only to the Big Book for instruction and that is the only message I pass on to newcomers. It says that we let God be the final judge on our sex life. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice. We pray for our own ideals and if we cannot live up to them we have an answer for that also. In the beginning I believed that I would get drunk again if I did not follow the advice of my sponsor. It says in the Big Book that is a half truth. All the answers are there for us if we want them. By the way, I did get a new sponsor and I have been sober 20 years.
Member: Dawn L.
Location: British Columbia
Date: 9/14/2002
Time: 3:26:51 PM
When I first sobered up I was married for 20 years. My sponsor told me to put my sex life on hold until I went through the steps and got emotionlly stable once again. I was so desperate and excited to find that there was hope for me to actually stay sober, I was going to follow everything that I was told. Needless to say my husband was not too pleased with my new found way of life and ended up leaving me. Today I refer only to the Big Book for instruction and that is the only message I pass on to newcomers. It says that we let God be the final judge on our sex life. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice. We pray for our own ideals and if we cannot live up to them we have an answer for that also. In the beginning I believed that I would get drunk again if I did not follow the advice of my sponsor. It says in the Big Book that is a half truth. All the answers are there for us if we want them. By the way, I did get a new sponsor and I have been sober 20 years.
Member: Diane C
Location: Charleston, S. C.
Date: 9/14/2002
Time: 11:35:53 PM
My name is Diane and I'm an alcoholic. So many of the posts have said what my experience has been. I've been sober since 1990 and married for 40 years. I was told repeatedly not to make any life changing decisions the first year. I fussed and cussed but I listened. Never once did anyone ever tell me not to have sex. My husband and I are happy and still in love after all these years. Now I trust what my Higher Power tells me in other words, my gut feeling. That is what I trust these days. Has not failed me yet. Good luck to you Donna and please, keep coming back.
Member: Pat G.
Location: IL
Date: 9/15/2002
Time: 12:26:45 AM
Hi everyone. My name is Pat, and I am an alcoholic. Very grateful to be reading the topic. Two weeks ago, I married a man I met when I came to AA. We did not begin seeing each other until I was 1 year sober. I'm so glad I had that time without a relationship. Real relationships take work, and bring out all of the charachter defects discovered in step 4 and 5. My head was way too foggy at 3 months sober. Anyway, my first year -- developing my support group of sober women, learning how to have relationships with friends and sponsors, all laid good groundwork for my future. Thanks for listening!
Member: juran z
Location:
Date: 9/15/2002
Time: 12:52:17 AM
why do women in the program keep trying to "13th step" me? 29yr male
Member: MsShel
Location: planetBerkeley
Date: 9/15/2002
Time: 1:49:47 AM
Try a slogan on your dilemma; "First Things First" And how about something we read at every mtng-"The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines." My growth comes from my experience, and my mistakes!(not from hiding out in my room with or without a bottle!) Other AAs are only human.Let's not miss the reason behind a suggestion, i.e.keeping focused on building the foundation of my recovery in early sobriety-our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern. I have a higher power who, When I am still long enough and humble to listen, gives me guidance, and other sober women to give me a reality-check on all the things I've never done sober. Don't drink no matter what, keep coming back to mtngs, read the literature; talk honestly with your sister alcoholics and to thine own self be true. Freedom from alcoholism is awesome-hold on to your miracle and learn to love yourself and be happy.
Member: Barry Lv
Location: Lafayette, TN
Date: 9/15/2002
Time: 2:49:54 AM
Hi, my name is Barry and I'm definately an alcoholic. I was released from jail with 7 months sobriety. That was 6 months ago. I believe, and this is just for me, that if I had of gotten into a relationship at that time I would not have stayed sober. I would have been trying to satisfy myself like I had been doing all my life. I gave new meaning to the phrase self-centered. However, I didn't quite make it a year. I made it 11 months with no sex and the opportunity just kinda presented itself. But at that time I was able to be honest up front and say hey, it's only sex! If you want more your with the wrong person. Before I would have lied until I got my way and then cut a trail and probably got drunk. I have to be honest with my every move today and ask why am I doing this. Am I trying to help another or am I trying to get some personal satisfaction. Other peoples feelings matter to me today and it took me a year to be able to think with that attitude. Don't get me wrong, I love women. That's my problem, I love ALL women. That's why I know today I'm not ready for a relationship. But if you can have sex without getting involved, that's your on affair. Good luck to you and your sobriety.
Member: Beth D
Location: Connecticut
Date: 9/15/2002
Time: 2:56:51 AM
When I first got sober I was still married. That didn't last and a couple years into the program I was going through all the emotional stuff involved with dating again. It isn't so much the celibacy (or lack of it) that's the issue, but the fact that once we go to bed with someone we seem to fall "in love". Women do it a lot but some men too. So to avoid the emotional struggles with having a relationship based on a mutual itch (gee, why don't they ever work out) it is usually recommended to try a period of celibacy - or at least staying out of relationships. I did it after 6 or 7 years of sobriety because I just needed time to work on myself without the interference of fussing over a relationship. It may seem arbitrary or unfair and, no, it isn't in the big book, but trust your sponsor on this one. It helps keep the focus on your sobriety.
Member: zzz
Location:
Date: 9/15/2002
Time: 3:03:00 AM
zzz...