Member: Mike C.
Location: OH
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 01:26:14
hi everyone,
mike c., alcoholic.
how about resentment for a topic. i find new resentments every day and am constantly reminded of my self centerdness when dealing with them. it helps me to be reminded of how weak I am, and how powerful WE are.
Member: Stan P.
Location: Penna
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 04:13:54
Good topic Mike The number 1 offender.It still nocks me back to step2.When I open the door for one upsetting thing they all come rushing in.This is a we program we have built in forgetters that is why I have to hear it over&over I have been also knocked back to the 2nd part of step1 (more than once)I feel My Higher Power lets me know when I should change the things I can.This is a simple program but you know it is not easy,Thanx for letting me share.Stan
Member: Tad C.
Location: KC
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 07:16:07
Great topic. Repeatedly, it appears to me, that I am doing just fine, and it is everyone around me who needs to change what THEY are doing for ME to be OK. Weird how my perception of the same events changes as I look back on it and realize the problem was not with everyone around me. The beauty of the program is that now, I occasionally realize this before I shoot off my big mouth and creat another resentment to deal with. Sometimes, I realize that I just need to step back and refocus on the first 3 steps. In gratitude of the program of AA, Tad.
Member: Jim W.
Location: L.A.
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 10:50:10
Jim W., alcoholic. I find that the Serenity Prayer is one of the greatest weapons against the inevitable resentments that pop up in our daily lives--anything from long-standing resentments against relatives to somebody cutting you off on the freeway or something. I find that I don't even have to say the whole prayer, just "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change," is enough to bring a great deal of peace to me. Just realizing how much better life is now that I'm sober makes me realize that whatever little resentments I might have are child's play compared to the anger and misery of the drinking years. In other words, why ruin a good sober day over petty feelings of resentment and why waste any precious time trying to force the round world into a square hole? Remember, the person that you resent--whether alcoholic or not--is probably busy with their own set of resentments against other people or maybe even against you. It's when I think about this last thought that I feel sympathy for them and want to treat them in such a way as to show that there's no room for resentment is this life.
Member: Deb S.
Location: PA
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 11:07:40
Deb - addict and alcoholic. This is a great topic for me. I'm only into the program 8 months and I'm having a very difficult time praying for those that I resent as the Big Book states that we should do. Are there any resentments that are justified? And if so, how do I know the difference between the ones that are justified and the ones that aren't? Like I said, I'm just having a real hard time with this right now because even though I'm not using or drinking, my life has gotten worse since I became sober. As a result of my addiction I've lost my job and having many more problems than I could even imagine. Don't get me wrong - it is WONDERFUL not to be controlled by a substance from day to day. This probably is what keeps me coming back. I truly am grateful for this feeling everyday. Anyway, I would like to hear from some of you who have been in the program for a while about how you handled this. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Brian S
Location: Prince George BC
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 11:18:38
Hi my name is Brian and im an alcoholic ,I to suffer from my homegrown resentments. I will create a resentment ,feed it ,water it , prune it until it grows big enough that I have to do something because of the pain and lack of sleep.I now try and think that if I was to die right now and people close to me were able to read my last thoughts and they saw that the last thing that was on my mind was a resentment towards somebody because they said or did something to me ,Im sure they would think what a waste because life can be so good.The point is that if I get a resentment and let it grow im loseing out the beauty of the moment for nothing.If I don't make mountain ranges out of moehills my days are good.Thanks for being here for me .
Member: B.C.
Location: North Carolina
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 11:26:58
My name is B.C. and I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic....however, I did not come into the rooms grateful as I am now. Resentments.....for me truly the number one offender and for me there are none that are "justified". But...my sponsor does let me have some time to "enjoy" resentments...30 minutes and then into service of some kind. I've been sober 4 1/2 years, by God's grace....Today I'm struggling with a resentment against my soon to be ex-husband who is in the fellowship for 14 years. Some ARE sicker than others...and I know I must pray for him, but it's NOT easy. For me everything's better, not easier. Lately, I seem to be "enjoying" this particular resentment too much and sometimes struggle to "Let Go and Let God". When I get through this divorce I know I'll come out the other end stronger and have more insight about MY part in its failure.....IF I DON'T DRINK! Good topic for me today, too. It's an honor to share. Thanks, all!
Member: Nancy H.
Location: Calif.
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 13:25:47
I'm Nancy and I'm an alcoholic. I'm very grateful to be sober today. Resentments is a great topic. I often want to think I have no resentments and sometimes it is true, but I still can get caught up in the drama of life. Thank-God AA is a process (slow for me at times)and I don't have to be perfect, just willing. I do a 10th step (most every) day so I can stay as current as possible. If I'm current I am better able to stay connected to God. By reviewing my day to see what/who I may have harmed enables me to stay that way (most of the time)Staying current has been a been just one way to help me stay out of resentments. Another and this has been the toughest....Acceptance, of all types. It sounds so easy, yet it took me a good while to accept people, situations, etc.... and to realize everyone has a right to be who they are and it is not my job to prove I am right by proving they a wrong...at any cost. Thank God no one in AA never asked me to leave while I was struggling with this concept and accepted me just exactly as I was...A hopeless drunk who had no idea how to do life any different. Now I have a solution.
Thanks for letting me share
Member: BARBARA G,
Location: SNOOZUNVILLE CA.
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 13:45:36
Hi, My name is Barbara and I am an ACOHOLIC, ((((RESENTMENT))))The B.B. tells me that it is not only the number 1 offender but that it blocks me from the sunlight of the spirit. This is my expierence-- I allowed resentments to grow by not using the 10th step daily as was suggested. Eventually the resentments became like a cancer in my soul, THEN, I DRANK!!!!!! Today I am sober by the Grace of God and the program of AA. I am dealing with the old resentments by using the 4 th step. I never want to give another human being the power that only my H P. deserves. After 5 yrs in the program and about a year out there drinking I have 42 days,and more willingness to look at me and my part than ever before. Ijust keep showing up like a bad pennie. What the heck is a bad penny anyway? Barbs
Member: Fred B.
Location: Massapequa, NY
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 14:29:06
My name is Fred and I too am an Alcoholic. Resentments is always a good topic. Best way I have found to think of it is, A RESENTMENT IS LIKE PISSING ON YOUR LEG AND HOPING THE OTHER PERSON'S LEG GETS WET.
I came to AA for the drinking and I stayed for the thinking.
Member: Lisa C.
Location: MA
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 15:40:27
Hello, Lisa here. I was wondering , now that I've identified my failings can I start resenting my parents for them ?? I do resent my parents sometimes. My father drank and even though he has caused many family get togethers to go badly because he got drunk and flipped out, he still drinks. I think he they do it just to torture me. I have a lot of resentments. Sometimes I just hate people. It's like, just one jerk after another. But I guess concentrating on these things makes the good things that happen in my life go by unnoticed. Maybe this week I will try and focus on the good things and spend less time watering and feeding the bad things. It's worth a try right. Glad you're all here. I love your fellowship. Love Lisa.
Member: Ross S.
Location: S.D.
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 16:07:34
I'm Ross - alcoholic. The BB says "Resentment is the " number one " offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else." Therefore I can not justify having any resentments whatsoever. The best way for me is to pray for those I have a resentment against and let my HP take it away. Easy does it.
Member: BRIAN H
Location: RAPID CITY SOUTH DAKOTA
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 16:21:41
Hello, i`m Brian, alcohlic.Resentments are not killing me today,but when I began my soberity neariy eight years ago,resentments and every other emotion(feeling) had the power to kill me from the inside to the out,I was the center of my universe,and this is not good,but somehow over time,practicing this spirtitual program and not taking that first drink,I found myself removed from the center of the universe.Today I still have the challenge of faceing my feelings(resentments,fears etc.)but they no longer control me 100%,I refuse to let my feelings kill me,thanks to steps and all of you.I really am as happy and content as I want to be.Thats all for now,thanx.
Member: Norm P.
Location: Indiana
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 16:24:08
"Resentment is the number one offender.It KILLS more alcoholics than anything else". If I drink over a resentment,I'll still die whether it was justified or not! A resentment is a resent- ment. Besides my judgment in determining which ones are justified isn't too good anyway In fact,I'd probably tell you they're all justified or I wouldn't have them. After 10 years in the program,I still have resent ments. In fact,I'm working on a collection of them right now. Time is no guarantee we won't have problem;we just don't have to drink over them if we do a daily 10th step. If the 10th step is neglected too long,"our problems pile up on us and become astonishly difficult to solve". If that is the case,another 4th step is needed because we didn't carry out the garbage in our lives on a daily basis. It's a lot easier to do a daily 10th step than it is to go through the 4th step again. One of my friends calls things that work for us which are not in the BB "cheap tricks". Here's one of mine,hope it helps somebody. I am allowed to have a resentment for up to 24 hours maximum if I want to ruin my day with it. My resentments have an expiration time(at midnight every day,the beginning of a new day). Since I live one day at a time,I am not allowed to live in yesterday's resentments. If I don't want to let go of them,I have to really work on them to get them back. I'm usually not willing to work that hard and need a 4th step if I do. Welcome,newcomers! Hope to see ya at the Coffee Pot. LUV Y'ALL!
Member: Don W.
Location: Akeley Mn.
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 18:31:18
Hi i'm Don a gratefull recovering Alcoholic.. A resentment is the refeelling of a emotion . with people places or things.. I use my 10th step inventory every eveining before i go to sleep to check my self out.. If there is a problem with day it will usually appear thru this inventory.. Then I need to act.. As this resentment is a form of control over me.. The people, places or things are renting free space in my head..causing me discomfort and most of the time they are not aware it at all.. Booze and anger and resentment are no longer part of my life thanks to this program and H.P.
Member: Larry M.
Location: Virginia Beach
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 18:36:52
Larry, alcoholic.
After I stopped drinking, things (job, relationships, etc.) began getting better, so I assumed I was getting better. I stopped working the program and went on fat, dumb, and happy for years until calamity struck. Suddenly I was awash in all sorts of emotions - fear, anger, self-pity, resentments, et al - that I was unable to deal with. I realized that I hadn't gotten better at all, it was just that life had been easy for awhile, and now it was going to be hard for awhile. So I began working the steps in earnest (and saying the Serenity Prayer a lot!). During my 4th/5th steps, I got rid of decades worth of resentments that had haunted me for most of my life, including many from my childhood involving my parents (I qualify for AcoA too).
I don't agree with what the 12x12 says about anger, i.e., that we alcoholics are prohibited from experiencing this basic human emotion, whether "justified" or not. I do and will always experience anger (hopefully only occasionally). I attempt to handle anger appropriately. Allowing it to become rage or resentment is inappropriate. Resentment doesn't hurt anyone else but me. It doesn't do anything to help me, it only ruins my hour, day, week, or however long I allow it to infect me. I need to deal constructively with whatever situation prompted the anger, let go of it, and move on.
When I'm obviously feeling resentment - when my stomach is twisting - I do a 10th Step spot inventory and that usually works pretty well. I am very lax about doing day-end 10th Step inventories (lax is an understatement!). So for those more subtle resentments that I find sneaking into my head and hiding out in dark corners, I periodically do a mini-4th Step and that helps a lot too.
Member: Bruce M
Location: Ontario, Canada
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 18:51:44
Hi, I am an alcoholic and my name is Bruce. What an excellent topic!! There is nothing quite as destructive as resentment. There is NO such thing as a justifiable resentment. If you can justify a resentment, you can justify a drink, and if you can justify a drink, you sure as hell can justify getting drunk, and if you can justify getting drunk, you have lost. Whatever reason caused you to feel resentment has just chewed you up and spit you out. Read the paragraph dealing with acceptance on page 449 of the BB...write out and carry a copy with you if you have to. Talk to a sponsor, friend or fellow AA. Ask your higher power for the strength, guidance and courage you need to do the right things at the right times to get through it. Laugh at yourself for getting so worked up about something that bothers you because you have failed to accept it. But, for God's sake, don't try to justify something that is geared to your destruction. May your higher power bless all of you with another 24 hours of sobriety.
Member: Mac M.
Location: K.C.
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 19:05:02
Mac, alcoholic. This has been a good topic so far, and I have a couple of things I'd like to add. First, Deb ask if there were any justified resentments. If I remember that a resentment is a posion I take in order to hurt you I realize that there is no way to justify them. Second, some time ago I began to see that most of my resentments came from my own fear. For example my boss might ask me do do something I did not feel I should be doing. Instead of stating that to him, (since I feared for my job), I would instead begin a resentment, then talk behind his back, etc, you know the drill. As I grew in sobriety I began to act not out of fear, but out of principle. After some mistakes in doing this I began to gather a set of spiritual tools that would help me in many situations. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Tara H.
Location: missouri
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 20:23:58
Member: Tara H. Location: Missouri Date: Aug. 30, 1998
Tara, Acoholic. I am coming up on 10 years of sobriety 9-2-98. I can no longer afford resentments, they take to much of my spirit from me. Today I like to take my resentments immediately to H.P. (God) and my sponsor. Resentments are poison to my serenity. Thanks for letting me share!
Member: Bonnie C - 5/30/80
Location: Seattle
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 20:28:31
Hi extended family, bonnie/alcoholic here (((ROOM-HUG))) will read other posts later, good topic Mike C. RESENTMENTS - someone once said, resentment is like poison I drink, thinking the other person will get sick or die. that felt just about right. so what they suggested that I do about my own and I was loaded at first, was to pray for those people for 2 wks, that they have everything that I want for my life, for themselves (even if it was the woman who moved into my house and was sleeping with my husband and was wearing my clothes and screwing with my visitation with my children) I couldnt afford to be feeling the rage and anger, it was killing me. the 2 weeks turned into 6months of prayer until i ceased fighting everything and everybody and i VERBALLY GAVE HER EVERYTHING SHE HAD BEEN USING AS HER OWN and since she was turning my children against me, with my help (by the way with the hate that I felt, it wasnt real pleasant to be around me anyway, for them) well what I did was move out of the area, changed my phone number and didnt even contact the kids anymore. I was finished. got into vigorous inventory taking, trying to find out how I had set myself up for this type of treatment. amazing, everything I was experiencing I had created. If I would have felt better about myself I would have never married the guy in the first place and if I hadnt been taking out my frustrations I had with my marriage on my children, they would have respected me more and this woman couldnt have bought them temporarily and if I hadnt reacted to their cage rattling at every turn, they would have gotten tired of the game and possibly tried to work with me. so it was ME that needed changen not them. they can continue to live their miserable lives and I will find a new way. by the way, my children have a new respect for me today because I am respectable, most of our issues have healed. cant say all cause I did alot of damage, and I'm sure more will be revealed to be dealt with then. It doesnt matter that I would have done it this way all along had I know, the fact is, I did damage when i didnt. (by the way from the first day of sobriety a friend had me make my bed and read 60 thru 63, 449 thru 452 & 83&84 in the BB daily. really made a difference.
that was a deep resentment, now to daily stuff, If I get up late and have to race to work, everyone on the road is an a--hole, then I feel bad at work and scared like Im gonna be fired, everyone seems to be out to irritate or act like mindless orbs in the presence of greatness LOL how dare they? I can really create a bad day for myself. or if I have issues at home that I havent dealt with I can carry those to work or into a store or gas station where the clerk is too slow -- whine whine whine - all these things I do to myself. -what I do to combat this- I pray, talk 1on1 with an alkie, (a sponsor or friend in the prog) work the steps & try to get to a meeting every day, because I drank and/or was insane every day. keeps me level. I want everything this program has to offer and I have lived the promises and the second half of the 3rd step prayer every day for the past 4+yrs non stop. not a day without joy or hope. had glimpses in between surrenders thruout my sobriety but this is the first time it has remained everyday for this long, I have no reason to think this will end if I continue to do the things I do now. When I first came in a lady and then a gentleman told me this was possible and I had read it in the BB alot, I thought it worth a try cause anything had to be better than my life. Dear God please bless all that venture here. love and hugs, bon
Member: chuck le cl
Location: yreka no calif
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 01:16:48
my name is chuck aaaand i am an alcoholic. that is nice to have a name for the pain. when i got here i thought i was crazy. Now i know i am, no big deal. i call my sobriety managed insanity when i have a bad day which is rare these days. the subjecty is resentments. i have a few i will keep. Most of them stopm before i let them into my mind. my mind is a dangerrous neighborhood i am afraid to go there sometimes. if i let it start it will like yeast in flour. It will rise and so will my anger. many many years ago in the middle of a rampaging sober mind with any and all things fouling up around me. a drunk would show up some how.! believe me folks their is nothing better in this world to pick you up and out of a resentful prideful mood than a sick drunk. the first minute you FORGET YOURSELF a healing takes place. the world is back again you feel better the drunk doesnt know a thing about 12 stepping you, which he just did. before i quit i use the chapter in or near the back of the big book to help me handle resentments it tells you to pray for that person,place,thing for that what in this world these things these people want to get them do it for two weeks masrk your calender for two or more weeks and watch what happens in your mind and you dont HAVE TO MEAN IT. other resentments use what we call a god box. Put your resentment on a note put it in your god box. when you think of whatever this is you can't think of two things at one time i just say god it's in the box and i can't handle it .thank you for letting me feel a big hug for all out there who still suffer i still do !chuck
Member: Cliff, M.
Location: Puyallup, Wa.
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 02:04:00
Hi CCliff here alkee and pickle....
resentments the #1 offender of our sanity.. I find the if I've done the 10th step on any thing that is bothering me I dont get resentments!!!!! because if I live what the 10th step says in the 12n12 " it is a spritual axium that anytime anything is bothering me...." then i must be looking at myself to see why... besides I find it more fun to give a resentment than to make one for myself. for if I have one then Im making it, not the other person giving it to me.. If your harboring the old resntments then you may need to explore what need they are fulling in your life. or what pleasure you are getting out of keeping them. I find that if I need to keep a resentment then I must be getting something from it. thanks for my sobriety today god bless and love to all here cliff
Member: Lene B.
Location: Q'ld., Australia.
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 03:09:28
Hi - I am pretty new to this sharing on the Internet, but find it really helpful when I don't manage to get to a meeting. Resentment is one of my favourite subjects, as I have to guard against this each and every day, even though I have been sober for quite some time. I find that I too often judge everyone else and find faults instead of accepting everyone as they are. We are so lucky to have this program to teach us how to live.
Member: Andrew
Location: SA
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 03:57:58
Hello everyone ! My name is Andrew and I am an alcohoilc. Mike, you have indeed raised an extremely important subject for discussion.
Resentment and alcoholism are bedfellows. Every alcoholic eventually sees himself or herself as a victim of another person's action or inaction, one way or the other. Victimisation coupled with anger equals resentment. We naturally become extremely angry with the source of our anger. We are quick to blame others for our mishaps. We often see ourselves as a victims of injustices. We need to see others punished for their injustices. This causes a deep felt burning and unending pain ! We go through this emotional turbulence all the time. It comes and goes....even for years.
In order for us to recover fully we need to get this yoke off our shoulders. How do we do that. We need to change our thoughts and attitudes. We need to stop and question our irrational thoughts and behaviour. Nevermind others. Think before you get angry. Rationalise your thoughts. Seek help, if necessary. Talk to someone. Engage the services of a therapist, if necessary. You need all the armies possible, to fight this battle. We need to set an example to others... Change is of vital importance ! This is where one needs to live and practice the Steps constantly. If the only tool you have is a hammer let every other problem which you encounter, be a nail...
Thank you for the opportunity to share. Best wishes.
Andrew
Member: Kelly R.
Location: Nebraska
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 14:33:51
Great topic!! Hello, I'm Kelly and I am an alcoholic.
After having been sober for a year, I have recently realized that I have so many resentments that they seem to be layered like newspapers in the machine. It seems as though when I deal with one resentment and work through it, I immediately get another one. Thus far, all of my resentments have been from my past.
I'm not quite sure of what to do about this latest one, but I do know what I should not do with it,i.e. keep feeding it or ignore it. I thank my H.P. that I am sober enough to recognize that how I dealt with resentments in the past only fueled the insanity of our disease. I pray that my H.P. will in time, show me what to do in order to free myself from resentments.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
Member: kathy k.
Location: n.y.
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 14:40:33
i'm kathy-alcoholic. good topic. my car broke down a couple months ago so i'm not driving at the moment. there are a couple evening meetings i've been going to-few people are willing to give me a ride because it's "too far" of whatever. i can't afford bus fare. BIG RESENTMENT. i think it's to the point where i'll have to quit going even though i do service work for one of them. i'm having a hard time turning this over.
Member: Mike C.
Location: San Diego
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 15:30:57
Hi,
My name is Mike and I'm an alcoholic. This is my first time in this forum and I have enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts about resentments.
But first I would like to cross-talk to Kathy K of NY. A good sponsor would go to the ends of the earth to help you stay sober as long as YOU go to any lengths to stay sober. There were times when I didn't have a car and I walked to my meetings. Alcoholics help other alcoholics when they are in trouble. Keep asking and you will find help.
I get resentments when I'm not doing a good enough job with steps 10 and 11. Especially 11. My daily well being or lack there of is a direct proportion of my conscious contact with my higher power. When I am aware of his love and power and I am grateful of his blessings in my life (even if it's just sobriety today), then I have a good day and I don't gather resentments.
We all suffer from the same disease and we are not alone. And thank God that we are not all crazy on the same day.
That's all. I've got to trudge on.
Member: Julie H.
Location: Wichita, KS
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 17:47:42
Hi, folks. I'm Julie, and I'm an alcoholic. Jim W., I really appreciated your input. Thanks. Deb S., any resentment is justified as long as you want it to eat your lunch. I was in inpatient treatment and working on my fourth step. One day, I was outside smoking a cigarette, and there was a huge spider on the sidewalk. All of a sudden, there was a teeny, tiny ant that grabbed a hold of his leg. He kind of shook it off. Then, there were a half a dozen ants on the spider. Then, there were two dozen ants on the spider. Next thing I knew, this spider was covered with and being consumed by all of these teeny, tiny ants. I realized that this is exactly what happened to me with resentments. Any one of them, by themselves, is manageable. But when you build up hundreds of them, they will eat you alive, and it doesn't matter how big and strong you are. Anyway, thanks for letting me share, and I hope this is helpful to someone out there.
Member: Pam S.
Location: OH
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 17:56:22
Hi Pam, alcoholic, I had about 7 years clean then relapsed because of a "hidden" resentment against my spouse. It is really nothing that they could control or change but that didn't stop me from getting angry. Boy the things we do when we're not working the steps. That was the biggest DUH experience for me, I'll never forget that. Thanks Pam
Member: Mark L.
Location: Seattle
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 18:06:15
Member: Danielle B
Location: Lindenhurst
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 18:07:48
Sometimes I dont realize that I am harboring a resentment towards someone until it comes out "sideways". I will blow up for something so trivial when it really is because of another reason that I am angry, or annoyed. The resentment festering in my gut turns me negative and toxic inside if I dont get it out. I find sometimes I get a resentment because I am an alcoholic/addict. I wish sometimes that I could medicate and not feel, like others, yes I am still sick & suffering, but grateful to be where I am today.
Member: chadh
Location: clearfeild,utah
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 19:37:29
hi I am chad, an alcoholic i dont know if anyone remembers me from a few weeks ago, i lost everything but my job and drank five weeks strait mostly feuled by by resentment and hate for my wife leaving me and her family dogging me, man i hated aa cus it didnt work in the 8 years i have been trying, but if i think about it soberity scares me because you take away my hate who am i?? i dont know everything i am is all the pain i carry and the anger for everything and everybody who ever hurt me, and my hate of myself , i hate me to the core, i only know all the lies, decite and pain i cause and i hate me for it, i hate me for choosing boose over the ones who love me and all the physical and mental damage i have done because i promised myself i would never do what my dad did to me, i dont know how to do this in the heart, i have always been aa from the neck up and stayed drunk, how do you be aa from the neck down. well i have 7 days and am just getting over withdrawles, i dont want to go back, i am gonna brave it and go to a meeting, i want this to work i dont want everything that has been to be it. please give me feedback c-ya
Member: chadh
Location: clearfeild,utah
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 19:37:44
hi I am chad, an alcoholic i dont know if anyone remembers me from a few weeks ago, i lost everything but my job and drank five weeks strait mostly feuled by by resentment and hate for my wife leaving me and her family dogging me, man i hated aa cus it didnt work in the 8 years i have been trying, but if i think about it soberity scares me because you take away my hate who am i?? i dont know everything i am is all the pain i carry and the anger for everything and everybody who ever hurt me, and my hate of myself , i hate me to the core, i only know all the lies, decite and pain i cause and i hate me for it, i hate me for choosing boose over the ones who love me and all the physical and mental damage i have done because i promised myself i would never do what my dad did to me, i dont know how to do this in the heart, i have always been aa from the neck up and stayed drunk, how do you be aa from the neck down. well i have 7 days and am just getting over withdrawles, i dont want to go back, i am gonna brave it and go to a meeting, i want this to work i dont want everything that has been to be it. please give me feedback c-ya
Member: FRED G>
Location: chic,mass
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 20:55:40
Hi! my names Fred and I'm a alcholic. this is my first time in an "online meeting" it's been nice. As long as i reach out (or do foot work) were everywere!! resenment.. Ispent my day in a meeting at work with a person that used to (honestly still can) drive me crazy. I rember many times that feeling of anger envolping me almost every time I came in contact with this person. Each time I attempeted to change my reactions I fell..HARD!! I found that no matter who I spoke to about this or where I turned it (I) gerw worse. A.A. taught that I can't - we can!! I went to get help with my problom - something I never could never have done with out the courage this program has given me. today..I listened and rembered in peace to one of the many gifts I've been given. FRED B. thanx for the smile.
Member: Nan D.
Location: Pocono's Pa.
Date: 31 Aug 1998
Time: 22:57:36
Hi all, Nan Alkie & Drugie here. I remember when I came in the program of AA, I had a resentment that was probably keeping active. I was planning someone's murder. It was a resentment I thought would die when I died. Then after hearing over and over again to pray for this person, I finally took the suggestion. Today I can even speak of this without freaking out. This is a deffinate miracle. Just remember, your resentment is taking up all this space in your head, and the person you are resenting is on their merry way. A resentment can be of real harm and no good. I just celebrated my 5th year of continuous sobriety, I am a miracle. I have not been here for months, glad to see some new people, keep coming back, I need you. Love ya all Nan
Member: Caty
Location: CA
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 01:27:57
Hi all. Caty, alcoholic and former bearer of the world's biggest resentment here. The chapter entitled "Freedom from Bondage" in the book really does work, as many of you have attested. My husband's ex-wife was stalking me, crank-calling, signing us up for timeshares, and even answered a smutty personals ad in my name. I just kept praying for her and beating a tennis racquet on some old bedding to vent the anger. Now we are buddies and can chat, deal with her kids rationally and sanely. It works!
Chad mentioned the self-loathing he felt. My biggest resentment was against myself for my lack of willpower and the horrible things I did to drink. By studying the text of the Big Book, I learned that my allergy and obsession around alcohol kept that behavior going, and the simple answer was to stay away from that first drink. Since then, I can make restituion, get some measure of forgiveness by helping other alcohlics to recover. Good meeting, Thanks.
Member: Beth H.
Location: Atlanta
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 01:30:24
Hi everyone! My name is Beth and i am an alcoholic. I've known it for years, but never cared about myself enough to do anything serious about it until 18 days ago. chadh: don't hate yourself for things that you've done in the past. all we can do is try to do better this 24 hours (an important part of this is not picking up a drink). this is my first time here and i don't think it's just coincidence. last night i had my first experience with an AA resentment and it's been bothering me all day. i suppose it was very niave to think that everyone in AA is as nonjudgemental and loving as those i had come in contact with so far. last night one of the girls that my mom sponsers asked me if i knew a good meeting to go to. i told her about one that's been a gift to me. after showing up 20 minutes late and leaving 5 minutes early she called my mom complaining about what a horrible meeting it was b/c there was no long term sobriety (there was) and 3 people got sheets signed. she seems to think that this is against the traditions and that people who have to get sheets signed aren't serious about the program. well i'm one of the people who got a sheet signed and i am VERY serious. i let it hurt my feelings a lot and then turned my negative feelings onto her. been working on it today and saying the serenity prayer has helped as did a passage i read in the 24 hours book about helping the alcoholic who still suffers. and to me a suffering alcoholic isn't necessarily one who's still drinking. it could be one suffering from character defects. well just b/c i'm a newcomer doesn't mean i can't do that, so i tried praying for her. at first it was hard but i eventually felt my resentment being lifted. thanks for letting me share.
Member: Scott R
Location: Yosu, Korea
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 08:40:09
Hi, I'm scott and I'm an alcoholic. Resentment catches me up...it starts out as me saying to myself that a small annoyance is nothing and then whammo I have a quiet seething resentment towards someone. The joyful thing is that after a few 24s of sobriety the resentments are fewer and farther between. I am visiting here for the first time. I'm greatful for this meeting because it's the only one available in this part of the country i'm in at this time. Thanks.
Member: Lisa T.
Location: Florida
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 08:43:21
This is my first time sharing on the web. I've been dealing with a resentment for a long time, even though I'm sober now four years. I had tried desperately to help a member of my family get what I've found in AA. Instead, they felt "betrayed" by my efforts and I've alienated her. I've made an amend, even though I didn't think I did anything wrong - but she felt wronged. I've tried praying. Now someone outside of AA told me to just say "I love you" after each conversation and that's what I'm going to try to do. The ones we want to help the most are ususally the ones we help the least.
Member: Philip L.
Location: Central America
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 11:25:58
I am Philip and I am an alcoholic.
Drinking alcohol gets me drunk, not feeling bad. I can use any particular emotion I want as an excuse to drink. I certainly remember drinking over resentments, but I also remember drinking out of excitement, nervousness, happiness, boredome and any other thing that came to mind. After years of sobriety, I have come to see that my emotions no longer have to master my actions and my life.
Having said that, I do agree that resentments can be slippery. For me however, they pose a more immediate threat than drinking-- they have the power to temporarily alter, and even ruin, my life. Part of my disease is that I am sensitive. I was sensitive to the effects of alcohol and it made me miserable. I did not want to live miserably so I don't drink anymore. In the same way I was sensitive to alcohol, I am sensitive to resentments, so I need to give them up. I did not get sober and leave the inferno of addiction to alcohol, only to be equally miserable at the hands of my emotions.
Today, although I have been sober for a while, I have not been to a meeting in a long time. I have not enjoyed the wonderful feeling of fellowship in a long time. Consequently, resentments are eating me up. I am full of them-- directed at my partners, my circumstances, institutions, my surroundings. I do not have the urge to drink and it is my HP's will that I remain sober. HOWEVER, I am not happy because I am clinging so tightly to my bitterness.
To the extent that I live in my resentments, my whole perspective becomes warped. The most important connection which I should have is to my HP. When resentment gets in the way I am alone again. Often, resentments are contagious and they spread to other areas of my life.
What is a resentment after all??? It is this tremendous, thundering, repetitious thought: "(person,place,thing) is just so awful, and its not fair, and I cannot stand it!!!" You just sit there thinking it over and over and over again. It accomplishes nothing. It doesn't serve notice to the target of your resentment.
The best thing I can do about resentments is to see that expending great volumes of energy on them, robs me of the energy I could put into some other worthwhile activity. I lose twice-- first when the apparent harm was done, and second when I spend a week thinking about it.
I need to remember that I am an alcoholic and that this implies a lot more than just the drinking part. Today, I have a thinking problem. I need to recognize this. I need to remember that I am a good person and that some rotten things will happen from time to time. Then I need to remember that I am powerless over all things other than my own actions.
Thanks for the opportunity to share.
Member: Donna F.
Location: Carlsbad, New Mexico
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 11:36:45
Donna F. here and I am still an alcoholic,
I have learned to recognize my resentments today by the way they play over and over in my head like a bad film, stuck on replay. I chew on them like a dog with a tasty bone. Sometimes I am not quite willing to let them go. The 12 steps have helped me give them up faster and to recongnize them sooner and to keep life simpler. For this I am thankful. I needed this topic today. Thanks Mike C.
Member: David G
Location: IL
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 11:56:47
I remain sober today solely by the grace of God and the fellowship of this twelve step program. I am truly blessed by this program. I don't care how long we are in this program or how long we are sober, resentments still crop up and the only way to deal with them is to use the 10th step. No matter how much "better" I will get, I still to this day think and at times revert back to my alcoholic thinking. This of course is when I allow my will and not God's into my life. When God is allowed to deal with my resentments, fears and sexual conducts, then I have nothing to worry about. Before I came into this program, I lived by my own wits and will. We all know where that got me. God was not a part of my life even though I was a graduate of a seminary, I was religious but I was not spiritual. It is this spirituality that allows me to grow and overcome my resentments. I am glad to be here and be sober today. Thanks
Member: Yvonne
Location: Chicago
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 12:50:21
Hi, my name is Yvonne and I'm a recovering alcoholic. In the past four months I have felt terrible resentment toward my parents (both active alcoholics). I have removed myself from them by not visiting, however will talk to them should they call. For many, many years I was in denial of the effect their alcoholic behavior had on me and my life. I was "pretending" things were okay, just like I'd always wanted them to be as far back as age three, that I can recall. That was until I had children of my own, and then realized what a poor quality of parenting I had received. I feel angry, sad, and bitter toward them. I love them dearly, as they are my parents, however I am not willing to turn this over yet. I feel having been in the years of denial about them, caused me a lot of emotional damage. I feel I need to have these feeling now in order to get over it and move on from here. I am not ready to turn this over, and feel I will know in my heart when the time is right. That way, I will not be willing to take it back from my Higher Power again. He can have it forever. Thanks for letting me share. Yvonne
Member: Philip
Location: Central America
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 17:39:21
I have a tendency to cling to my resentments. I would not do it if there were not some sort of payoff. Each time I get hooked on a resentment, I should ask myself what the payoff is. Usually it is some stange thrill over being my "victim" status. I love to feel like a victim. I love to feel that I am right and someone else is wrong.
I should pay attention to the fact that this resentment exercise is a waste of time. For me, it is just like all the time I used to obsess about drinking. It gives me some sort of a momentary thrill, but in the end it just costs me.
How many hundreds, or thousands, of hours have I spent hunkered down in spiteful resentment?? What did it ever accomplish?? Sadly, I will never get those hours back. The best I can try to do is not sacrifice more hours in this pointless drama.
This is not to say that we will not feel sad, mad or hurt at times. That is part of being a person. What we should not subject ourselves to are the countless hours of nursing our hatred and frustrations.
Some practical solutions include: sharing it at a meeting, talking it over with a sponsor, praying, setting it aside for a few hours while you do something else.
How many times have I had a fully-developed, bullet-proof resentment, that I started to talk about with someone and--- oops, I started laughing because it sounded so silly when I said it out loud.
Don't leave resentments sitting around rotting in your head. They get a little too comfortable. Let them see the light of day.
Member: joey T.
Location:
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 19:47:34
im a nineteen year old alcoholic, raised in an average environment, this isnt a comment, its more like a cry for help, i've tried in the past to overcome this so called disease, but i alone cannot, help me please, j416@hotmail.com
Member: Jack Henry C.
Location: Chicago
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 20:09:31
I am Jack Henry and I am an alcoholic.
I am here today because of God grace and intervention and this program of AA.
Powerful topic today. All of my resentments are fear based. I don't care what my resentments are but they all have to do with how I perceive everything in my environment. Because of this program, I am relieved of the bondage of resentments if and only if I decide to work my program and these 12 steps in all of my affairs. God has graced everyone of use and he has laid at our feet the tools for recovery and serenity but it is those of us in recovery that have to then pick up those tools and learn how to become productive human beings. It works. I'm here today because I like being sober better than I like to be drunk. Thanks.
Member: Jack Henry C.
Location: Chicago
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 20:09:51
I am Jack Henry and I am an alcoholic.
I am here today because of God grace and intervention and this program of AA.
Powerful topic today. All of my resentments are fear based. I don't care what my resentments are but they all have to do with how I perceive everything in my environment. Because of this program, I am relieved of the bondage of resentments if and only if I decide to work my program and these 12 steps in all of my affairs. God has graced everyone of use and he has laid at our feet the tools for recovery and serenity but it is those of us in recovery that have to then pick up those tools and learn how to become productive human beings. It works. I'm here today because I like being sober better than I like to be drunk. Thanks.
Member: Jack Henry C.
Location: Chicago
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 20:10:16
I am Jack Henry and I am an alcoholic.
I am here today because of God grace and intervention and this program of AA.
Powerful topic today. All of my resentments are fear based. I don't care what my resentments are but they all have to do with how I perceive everything in my environment. Because of this program, I am relieved of the bondage of resentments if and only if I decide to work my program and these 12 steps in all of my affairs. God has graced everyone of use and he has laid at our feet the tools for recovery and serenity but it is those of us in recovery that have to then pick up those tools and learn how to become productive human beings. It works. I'm here today because I like being sober better than I like to be drunk. Thanks.
Member: Jack Henry C.
Location: Chicago
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 20:10:35
I am Jack Henry and I am an alcoholic.
I am here today because of God grace and intervention and this program of AA.
Powerful topic today. All of my resentments are fear based. I don't care what my resentments are but they all have to do with how I perceive everything in my environment. Because of this program, I am relieved of the bondage of resentments if and only if I decide to work my program and these 12 steps in all of my affairs. God has graced everyone of use and he has laid at our feet the tools for recovery and serenity but it is those of us in recovery that have to then pick up those tools and learn how to become productive human beings. It works. I'm here today because I like being sober better than I like to be drunk. Thanks.
Member: Jack Henry C.
Location: Chicago
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 20:10:54
I am Jack Henry and I am an alcoholic.
I am here today because of God grace and intervention and this program of AA.
Powerful topic today. All of my resentments are fear based. I don't care what my resentments are but they all have to do with how I perceive everything in my environment. Because of this program, I am relieved of the bondage of resentments if and only if I decide to work my program and these 12 steps in all of my affairs. God has graced everyone of use and he has laid at our feet the tools for recovery and serenity but it is those of us in recovery that have to then pick up those tools and learn how to become productive human beings. It works. I'm here today because I like being sober better than I like to be drunk. Thanks.
Member: Jack Henry C.
Location: Chicago
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 20:11:18
I am Jack Henry and I am an alcoholic.
I am here today because of God grace and intervention and this program of AA.
Powerful topic today. All of my resentments are fear based. I don't care what my resentments are but they all have to do with how I perceive everything in my environment. Because of this program, I am relieved of the bondage of resentments if and only if I decide to work my program and these 12 steps in all of my affairs. God has graced everyone of use and he has laid at our feet the tools for recovery and serenity but it is those of us in recovery that have to then pick up those tools and learn how to become productive human beings. It works. I'm here today because I like being sober better than I like to be drunk. Thanks.
Member: JIM J.
Location: MS Gulf Coast
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 22:58:01
I'm Jim, an alcoholic.Six posts,thats pretty good! To Joey T, if you are serious about wanting help with alcoholism, please get a phone book and find ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. Call that number! AS for resentments, I try to do all the things that I've been taught to keep them at bay. It seems that when I'm keeping my side of the street clean I don't seem to have much time for resentments. My side of the street is a full time job. Love to all and EASY DOES IT. Jim J.
Member: April C
Location: Florida
Date: 01 Sep 1998
Time: 23:35:05
Hi, my name is April & I'm an alcoholic. This has been a great topic for me today. Recently I have found myself getting worked up about something I can't change. Even after a few years in the program, I find this disease is " cunning, baffling and powerful". Resentments our Number 1 offender can still sneak in there. Anger is an emotion that I can't afford. I don't just get angry, I get resentful. I thank my HP for the program of AA, the tools and a wonderful sponsor to show me how to "live life on life's terms without alcohol. It works if I work it. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: George R.
Location: Maryland
Date: 02 Sep 1998
Time: 11:34:21
Serenity Prayer, people! It works for me if I think about the words and not just recite it by rote. When I get the answer that the person or situation is something I cannot change, I soon realize that I must accept it (pg. 449). And then I must turn it over to my HP. After this, I find that it helps to redo the eleventh step and try to determine HP's will for me and believe that He or She will provide me with the power to carry that will out. If I am sincere in my efforts, any resentment that I have been carrying seems to fade away. If it lingers, I know that I must try harder, for resentments will, I believe, lead me directly back to the bottle. Isn't that the way many of us dealt with them before we found this program and the sobriety it promises to those who practice it on a daily basis?
Member: Dave G
Location: Luton England
Date: 02 Sep 1998
Time: 15:20:54
My name is Dave and Iam an alcoholic Ihave been in the fellowship of A.A for 5 months and staying sober a day at a time. On first arriving,I did not know what resentments were. I thought that I was the greatest thing on this earth.But through the power of the programme of recovery.I now know I am only here to carry out the work of my higher power who I choose to call GOD. I had resentments by the bucket load,I resented everyone and everything,but most of all I resented A.A because it told me I was an alcoholic and my life was unmanagable.But this was true and I now need never pick up another drink.And for this I am eternally grateful,to A.A. and the fellows of the fellowship who have assisted me in getting to grips with my life and for keeping me sober a day at a time
Member: Dave G
Location: Luton England
Date: 02 Sep 1998
Time: 15:21:28
My name is Dave and Iam an alcoholic Ihave been in the fellowship of A.A for 5 months and staying sober a day at a time. On first arriving,I did not know what resentments were. I thought that I was the greatest thing on this earth.But through the power of the programme of recovery.I now know I am only here to carry out the work of my higher power who I choose to call GOD. I had resentments by the bucket load,I resented everyone and everything,but most of all I resented A.A because it told me I was an alcoholic and my life was unmanagable.But this was true and I now need never pick up another drink.And for this I am eternally grateful,to A.A. and the fellows of the fellowship who have assisted me in getting to grips with my life and for keeping me sober a day at a time
Member: Dave G
Location: Luton England
Date: 02 Sep 1998
Time: 15:21:53
My name is Dave and Iam an alcoholic Ihave been in the fellowship of A.A for 5 months and staying sober a day at a time. On first arriving,I did not know what resentments were. I thought that I was the greatest thing on this earth.But through the power of the programme of recovery.I now know I am only here to carry out the work of my higher power who I choose to call GOD. I had resentments by the bucket load,I resented everyone and everything,but most of all I resented A.A because it told me I was an alcoholic and my life was unmanagable.But this was true and I now need never pick up another drink.And for this I am eternally grateful,to A.A. and the fellows of the fellowship who have assisted me in getting to grips with my life and for keeping me sober a day at a time
Member: Terry H
Location: Kingston Ontario Canada
Date: 02 Sep 1998
Time: 16:02:30
Hi friends, I'm Terry; alcoholic. I find that when I develope a resentment towards someone that if I pray for them a numerous amount of times during the day the resentment will slowly dissolve. It's hard to resent someone that your praying for. I also have to remember what page 449 says about acceptance. Thanks.
Member: Mike P.
Location: MA
Date: 02 Sep 1998
Time: 21:08:12
#1 Offender: (R)ude.(E)go-inflating.(S)elf-deprecating (E)dgy...(N)ervous..(T)roublesome... (M)addening...(E)xhausting...(N)egative..(T)houghtlessness...(S)lavery !!!
tools: (S)urrender... (O)ffering... (B)ravery... (R)ecovery... (I)nsight... (E)go-deflation... (T)ruth... (Y)ippie yahoo! Newfound Sobriety!!!
Member: Randy G.
Location: Oxford,N>J>
Date: 02 Sep 1998
Time: 22:09:41
hi,im Randy and im an alcoholic.Today is my first day out of marworth rehab.If anyone can help me get started i would greatly appreciate it.Thank You and take it one day at a time.God Bless.
Member: Doug K.
Location: West Michigan
Date: 02 Sep 1998
Time: 22:59:37
Hi, everybody, my name is Doug and I'm an alcoholic.
The base root of my insanity was resentments. Teeming, boiling, festering..keeping me awake at night, keeping me angry during the day, twisting me, turning me, and spitting me out. It was this insanity that brought me to A.A.
How could he say that to ME? Why did she do that to ME? Who does he think he is, that's not the way I want him to act! My first sponsor told me that he would help me only if I was willing to get honest with myself, first, and him, second. I realize today that my resentments are founded on the firm bedrock of my self-centeredness and engorged ego. Who do I think I am, anyway, to expect people to say and do things the way I want them? I wasn't very good at handling my own life and realize I can't honestly do a decent job of running anyone else's. Who do I think I am, anyway, to know what situations in life are good for me? I would have told you that the circumstances that led me to A.A. were the most terrible things for me. But today I know they were the very best things that ever happened to me. So, if I get honest with myself, I realize that I don't know what is or is not good for Doug.
Every day that I have is a miracle, a blessing from my HP. Every action I take, comment I make is either praise for or rejection of my HP's handywork.
For Doug, there is no such thing as Justifyible resentments, and I need to ask for help to quiet the demons that sometimes return. Thanx for letting me babble...
Member: Tim M
Location: L.A.
Date: 03 Sep 1998
Time: 01:42:55
HEY RANDY- go to 90 meetings in 90 days so that people can get to know you & get a sponsor & dont drink between meetings.
Member: Zizi Z.
Location: Raleigh, NC
Date: 03 Sep 1998
Time: 11:32:09
I'm Zizi, alcoholic... Everyone has lots to say about resentment!! I've read some really great things....
I had recent interesting experience with resentment. I had a problem with a close friend in recovery. She stopped talking with me about something that had nothing to do with me. I felt a little uncomfortable at our home group-same one-but I was determined to remember why I was there. I was there to get my medicine and give back what was given to me. Two months later, she called me and apologized. She said that she had made a mistake and that she really missed me and our friendship. By the grace of God and this program, I felt no animosity towards her-we picked up right where we left off.
However, the people in my life-alcoholics and non-alcoholics were upset with me for forgiving her. I cannot afford a resentment today. I know that if I forgive someone with love then I cannot go wrong. It just amazes me how people (including myself not too long ago) can justify a resentment in a heartbeat and live their lives in misery-full of hate and recrimination. I have no desire for such things. Justified or not, they hurt too much and I am trying to align my will with God's today. I know what He would do...
Thanks for letting me share.... Have a wonderful rest of the week and Labor day...
Member: connie
Location:
Date: 03 Sep 1998
Time: 16:12:47
Hi I am Connie and an alcoholic;
Thanks Mike for the topic resentment, I like it.
I was told resentments are among the greatest roadblocks along the route we travel toward a more rewarding way of life. We recognize resentments for what they are: real or imagined grievances against some people, places, and things. They give us excuse to brood and plan revenge. Resentmens come to all of us at different times. We are only hurting ourselves by holding on to them. It is a waste of time that could be spent enjoying the more positive aspects of our lives. Our program can teach us how to respond with love, understanding, and compassion to the people, places, and things that displease us. We learn not to fight the windmills of resentment.
I have a baby crying got to go
Member: BJ
Location: Miami, Fla.
Date: 03 Sep 1998
Time: 21:35:34
I am B.J., an alcoholic; this subject was meant for me! After experiencing a lot of wonderful, happy and joyous years in sobriety, I ran into SERIOUS PROBLEMS with my adult children who frankly, are my life (besides AA of course); My son lives 2,000 miles away so I wasn't able to "see" what was going on; but I knew things weren't right. He got his law degree and passed the Cal. bar, quite an accomplishment, however, he continued on the path of addiction, which he started in college; actually he was an alcoholic in his teens (like myself) and graduated to cocaine later;his father keeps me posted as he sees him more often and told me the prob., he wasn't able to do anything with his degree; he was getting married and when I finally talked to him about my coming for the wedding, he began his imagination probs., like accusing me of doing something to hurt him = so for the first time in all those years, I asked him when he was going to do something about his drug problem; bottom line, I wasn't welcome to come to the wedding; called afterwards and his wife (whom I've never met) said she didn't have time to give me their new address and afterwards, the times I've called and left word, my calls are never returned; add to this, my daughter doing the same just a few yrs. behind him, alkie at l5, sober in AA at l6, then going out, picking up son's drug of choice, cocaine; left to go to Ohio & do drugs w/boyfriend and still of course, drinking. About 8 mos. later I got a call, she had a son 3 days old, at the hospital kicking coke; could she come home? After much prayer and talk w/my sponsor, I said "yes"; make a long story shorter, she stayed in her sickness and I raised my grandson, with great pleasure; so glad I was able to do that as he had so many med. probs and deformities and I was strong enough to handle it (with the help of God and friends in AA); when he was 4 l/2 yrs. old she sneaked him away; I didn't know where they were; I had heart prob., was hospitalized, while there, she took everything else - furniture, furnishings, clothes, etc. and here it is 8 mos. later and I've gone thru "near drinking", been homeless, broke, etc. oh, she wiped out my bank account also; she went to aa in another county, about 2 hrs. away and I've only seen my precious grandson about 5 or 6 times and see how he regressed and how thin he is and my heart is breaking everyday and I HAVE THE BIGGEST RESENTMENT IN THE WORLD AGAINST MY DAUGHTER; SHE TREATS ME LIKE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH AND I'm supposed to just say, well, she's sick and can't help it....I have prayed for both everyday 'cause I know if she's ok, God willing, he'll be ok.
Sorry I ran on, I still need a lot of work on "resentments" and for those who don't have them, you haven't run into that particular set of circumstances in your life that will bring them out.
Love and prayers to all,
BJ
Member: John B
Location: Sayre, PA
Date: 03 Sep 1998
Time: 21:45:40
Hi! I am John, an alcoholic,
Lots of really great stuff about resentments. I agree with what's been said regarding the topic. I couldn't even start to overcome my resentments or at least stop developing them without the help of a personal and loving HP.
I also wanted to add - thanks to all that contribute to this page. Many of you have a way with phrasing things that I can relate with (being an alcoholic I think is helpful). So - thanks for helping me. When I need a meeting and just can't leave work - I "surf" to this page and get re-connected. (Although I don't always share).
John B
Member: Judy S.
Location: Jackson, AL
Date: 03 Sep 1998
Time: 21:57:00
Howdy folks, I'm Judy and I'm an alcoholic. I've been in the program 390-days now.
Recently we had a speaker at the conference talk about resentments. Whew! While I listened I kept feeling a huge knot in my chest. Reflection told me I'm very uncomfortable dismantling my resentments. I'm more familiar with resentment than with contentment. That realization marks a wee bit of progress.
Where does it say in the Big Book that an expectation is a premeditated resentment? That helps me with my progress.
Member: Sherron B.
Location: Florida
Date: 04 Sep 1998
Time: 01:33:02
Hi, My name is Sherron and I am a GREATFUL recovering drunk. Even after some 20+ years in this simple program, resentments still happen. (Only now I can blame them on age,HA HA.) But what I've found in myself is resentments happen because,I resent myself for making the choice to allow the resentment in the first place. You cant have a resentment unless you allow it, it's your choice. I am pleased to have found this meeting place. There is good AA here. Thanks to all of you and thanks for allowing me to share. One day at time and I,ll be back.
Member: Shari B
Location: Kitsap County, WA
Date: 04 Sep 1998
Time: 02:10:13
Hi; I really don't at this point, know what to say about resentment. I just stoped drinking today and am just wondering if I can stay sober. I found this site because I didn't want to drink and looked up the topic of alcohalism on the internet.
Member: Perry H
Location: Treasurer
Date: 04 Sep 1998
Time: 07:41:49
Time to pass the hat.
This internet meeting runs on contributions from people like you! May we suggest a one dollar donation for each year sober? (Only if you can afford that.) Once our expenses are met, the rest is sent to GSO in New York to carry the message around the world! Just as this wonderful meeting does. Please send to: Staying Cyber Box 392 Minisink Hills, Pa 18341
Thanks for taking the time to support this meeting Sincerely: Perry H
Member: Wayne F.
Location: Topeka, KS
Date: 04 Sep 1998
Time: 14:17:04
This is to Shari B. that stopped drinking today: When I came to the AA program I did not think it was possible for me to quit drinking. I waged a daily battle to quit drinking for the past 10 years and AA introduced me to a spirtual way of life that was given me the power to stay sober. Not to say that I have power over alcohol, but that God has given me the power to resist alchol each day that I wake up alive.
Member: Lisa S.
Location: Texas
Date: 04 Sep 1998
Time: 14:54:25
Hi, I'm Lisa and I'm and alcoholic. I've been sober less than a week and am hanging on by my fingernails...every evening it's a struggle but I feel good about having a traditional AA group and now I've found this one!! Hooray! Anyway, I love the topic. I love to joke about resentments and I'm not sure if that's a good sign or not. I like to say that I've got the biggest, deepest sack in the world; i.e., it can hold the most and the biggest resentments. And it seems like I'm always trying to keep it full. Yet, at the same time, I feel as if I have fewer resentments and hold on to them less than I used to. Very mystifying. I htink resentments have a lot to to with the desire to control. As I deal with my aging alcoholic mother that the less I try to control her (whether it's to stop her drinking or anything else), the fewer resentments I have, either about the past or the present. It also frees me to have a more fun, open and loving relationship with her. At any rate, I intend to keep laughing and, with God's help, stay sober ONE DAY AT A TIME. Thanks for letting me share. God bless you all and have a great weekend.
Member: Amy G
Location: Benicia, CA
Date: 04 Sep 1998
Time: 16:06:45
Amy, Alcohlic, The BB tells us that resentments are not justifiable, so to help rid myself of self-destruction I simply resight the Serenity Prayer, or admit powerlessness, "Thy will be done."
Member: Jennifer W.
Location: Nevada
Date: 04 Sep 1998
Time: 18:14:34
Hi , I'm Jennifer and I'm an alcoholic. Someone in the program told me that if you meet more than two jerks in a day, one of them is probably you. Resentments can really get me down until I try and see my part in it just like the fourth step taught me to. Then I pray for the people whom I have resentments with and wish them everything that I wish for myself: health, sobriety and happiness. Pretty soon, I find that my HP takes over and it is not my problem any more. Thanks for letting me share. This is a great meeting. God Bless.
Member: Maria K
Location: Ma.
Date: 04 Sep 1998
Time: 18:39:55
MJK addict and drunk--Hello out there! i just found this site and I am very grateful. I've been sober for a time now but to this day whatever mtg I go to or recovering person I meet it/they make me feel like I belong and am not an alian. No matter what I'm feeling or what is happening in my life. Through years of drinking and drugging I never felt that I felt in. Never in my dreams did I ever see myself as a functioning healthy and (most of the timt) happy ADULT. As time goes on I forget where I came from and where I was just a few 5 years ago. Something or someone always bring me back wich isn't a bad thing. I'm grateful not only to the program but to the people who loved me and saw me through early recovery. Without those people I would not be sober or alive. To those people I am forever grateful. I don't mean to ramble but I know you can all identify. Thankyou for listening! To those who are struggling just to stay sober and sane for the moment my prayers are with you. Pray to your higher power and remember A PHYSICAL CRAVING LASTS 10 SECONDS, THE REST IS OBSESSING!! Do you choose to obsess today? I thankyou again for listening.
Member: Treasurer
Location: PA
Date: 04 Sep 1998
Time: 21:57:29
Just a note from the treasury to thank all that contributed to the Web site , this past couple of months. Our bank balance as of the beginning of September was about $400. and we have a couple of payment s due to the web master which should bring the balance down to about $220. We will keep a minimum balance for the bank, of about $200 so that not to collect any minimum charges. My guess is that we will send a small donation this week to GSO in New York. Once I know the details, I will submit a formal treasury report to the trusted cybrants , which will be available at anyones request. Anyway, thanks goes out to the following who contributed from Switzerland, Denton Texas, Springfield Oregon, Portsmouth New Hampshire, Graceville Florida, Rockport Maine, Jackson Alabama, Pasadena California, Winchester Virginia, Miami Florida, Eugene Oregon, Fresno California twice! and Olympia Washington. Every contribution helps this meeting keep going. We are truly a world wide meeting. :)
Member: Kate G
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Date: 04 Sep 1998
Time: 22:05:24
Hello to everyone, especially Shari B who stopped drinking today. During my drinking days I was mostly always upset and resentful of someone or something. I expected things to go my way and I thought I had the right to complain (alot!) when they didn't.
Since I've stopped drinking I've been amazed to feel gratitude. To accept life as it is (not always, of course, but often. And when I do, my days are better.)
When I'm indulging in being resentful, then I don't feel gratitude.
I just got this computer a few days ago, and found this site while exploring the internet. This is a good one, I'll be back. Thanks you guys!
Member: Julie L
Location: BC Canada
Date: 04 Sep 1998
Time: 23:41:00
Hi all! Julie L. Addict & Alcoholic. Yes, resentment is a terrific topic! I have just started my journey into the wonderful life of sobriety. I will have a whopping 30 days this upcoming Wednesday. I have been attending a great AA meeting and have signed on as a member. I do not feel threatened there whatsoever. I do feel very uncomfortable at the NA Meetings that I attend. I hold resentments because I seem to be the only one that I have heard of that has made it into the program without hitting 'rock bottom'. I like to think that I had a premonition of what was to inevitably come! I come from alcoholic parents whom are both deceased. I was always justifying my using as being controlled and only on weekends. I am just only learning of the real reasons behind my behaviors and have much to discover. I suppose I have resentment towards some of the NA groups 'coldness'. I feel that they think, "What is she doing here? She hasn't lost anything; what could she possibly have to offer us?". I am becoming painfully aware that these resentments are my insecurities in disguise!! I have alot of work to do and I am grateful to be able to share here. I can't feel uncomfortable typing my feelings to my screen. I sense no negative vibes!! Thanks again for letting me share and another 24 to all of you. See you next week!
Member: Julie L
Location: BC Canada
Date: 04 Sep 1998
Time: 23:41:46
Hi all! Julie L. Addict & Alcoholic. Yes, resentment is a terrific topic! I have just started my journey into the wonderful life of sobriety. I will have a whopping 30 days this upcoming Wednesday. I have been attending a great AA meeting and have signed on as a member. I do not feel threatened there whatsoever. I do feel very uncomfortable at the NA Meetings that I attend. I hold resentments because I seem to be the only one that I have heard of that has made it into the program without hitting 'rock bottom'. I like to think that I had a premonition of what was to inevitably come! I come from alcoholic parents whom are both deceased. I was always justifying my using as being controlled and only on weekends. I am just only learning of the real reasons behind my behaviors and have much to discover. I suppose I have resentment towards some of the NA groups 'coldness'. I feel that they think, "What is she doing here? She hasn't lost anything; what could she possibly have to offer us?". I am becoming painfully aware that these resentments are my insecurities in disguise!! I have alot of work to do and I am grateful to be able to share here. I can't feel uncomfortable typing my feelings to my screen. I sense no negative vibes!! Thanks again for letting me share and another 24 to all of you. See you next week!
Member: Hugh .J
Location: England
Date: 05 Sep 1998
Time: 07:24:04
Following on the resentment theme, I have been sober now for some 20 months. At various times I have found that resentment has endangered my sobriety.
Upon reflection it appears that during this time I am often 'projecting'. The recent fall in share prices is an example...half my wealth has gone. Instead of living in the day I project the future finding all sorts of reasons to create fear and resentment. I resent the russians, the far east etc....why have they done this to me ?
At these times I find as many meetings as I can...it keeps my head in today, I find that this helps to stop that first drink. I do 'plan', but I try hard not to 'project'. Resentment is a great danger to me...thanks to all in A.A for keeping sober another day.
Hugh.
Member: Lynn H.
Location: Redding CA.
Date: 05 Sep 1998
Time: 08:25:30
My name is lynn and i am a grateful member ofA.A. resentment means to feel over and over again, in early sobriety iwas so happy to learn that anger was adeadly sin and i could just "turn it over" it almost killed me. My anger is where my power is. to feel it over and over will get ME drunk. I have relationships today in my life with people i can trust with my anger, they do not nuclear bomb me back, nor do they go away because i shared my anger,. i was so darn afraid of my anger that true intamacy was blocked. I do not think that bill intended aa to take the anger deal so far to the extreme to deny our true feelings, however when my anger is from that self centered place that trying to manipulate or hurt instead of protect and share, then thank God i have close freinds that will pull my covers so that i can own and amend it. if my freinds dont stop me then I have an awesome higher power that always obliges. So, I say it is ok to get angry, but it is resentment that will poisen us and block us from the sunlight of the spirit. Love to all lynn h.
Member: dennis m
Location: dville al
Date: 05 Sep 1998
Time: 12:15:19
dennis m, alcoholic.
Like to welcome all the newcomers, and point out that recovery is possible for *you*!:-)
Putting forth a small amount of effort, much less than I spent drinking brought a lot of wonderful returns in my life. I have found that the hardest thing to do over my time in AA was to stop resisting instruction and good orderly direction.
Go to lots of meetings, ask for a sponsor, follow some suggestions.
I was a very resentful person. When I came to AA folks gave me all these suggestions. Pray that the person receive exactly what I would have in life (often in my early days that was a half gallon and no blackouts!), acceptance, 10th step etc.
These things didn't work and don't work for me today. I could hardly accept my alcoholism, much less another person. I was on shaky ground with the whole HP thing, and what I was supposed to do and pray for much less what to ask someone else. I hadn't done a 4th step so I didn't have the faintest idea how to do an inventory much less continue one.
An old guy here told me " Sit it out, step it out. Just don't act on it yet. Don't drink on it yet. Work the steps and you'll know what to do then."
And he was right. When I put pen to paper and started to get honest about *me* instead of them, the problem became clear.
Me.
So many of my resentments were simply that people didn't do what I wanted them to do. That was the sole reason. For me the big book is exactly right "Selfishness- selfceteredness, that we think is the root of our troubles."
Today, when I find a resentment is sticking around and robbing my day of joy, I put pen to paper. Draw my little lines. And get down to it. The results no longer surprise me, but I can not seem to get back to my business til I do it.
thanks
dennis
Member: Christine
Location: California (vacation)
Date: 05 Sep 1998
Time: 13:25:23
Hi, I'm Christine, and I'm an alcoholic. Grateful to find this Website for the Program. Resentment robs me of much needed energy that I desperately need for remaining sober. Someone said, "expectations are premeditated resentments." This is a difficult problem for me at times to let down my expectations when I can with God's grace. Thanks to all of you for being here.
Member: Steve S.
Location: San Francisco
Date: 05 Sep 1998
Time: 15:06:58
My name is Steve and I am an alcoholic. I have been sober since June 15, 1984 and am still dealing on a daily basis with resentment and wreckage from the past. As with most everything in life they fall into two categories-romances and finances. I have to still work on a daily basis to let it go, let God into my life and be grateful for all the many gifts that I do have. Thanks for all the great sharing and for listening.
Member: Randy G
Location: Oxford,N>J>
Date: 05 Sep 1998
Time: 16:07:23
RANDY G. Hello im an alcoholic .Well got off to a few meetings and it is going good. I have no desire to pick up.Im taking it one day at a time. Thanks for the advise Tim.
Member: Robert N.
Location: San Diego
Date: 05 Sep 1998
Time: 17:05:34
I'm Robert, and I'm a struggling alcoholic.
I would have 50+ days sobriety today, but in the past week I "slipped" (now there's a term that seems a bit too benign for me). Because I drank, our topic becomes self-reflexive in the extreme. I've read others' accounts of resentment turned inward, and it always helps to hear (or read) new viewpoints. For those of you who, like me, are somewhat new to the program, I implore you to take advantage of the fellowship offered--I was reluctant to make contact at first, but it sure has helped these past few days. Everyone wants to help.
I'm glad to have found this site, and I wish everybody continued sobriety, One Day At A Time.
Member: Geoff M
Location: Highgate, London
Date: 05 Sep 1998
Time: 17:47:51
Hi, I'm Geoff M from Sydney, Australia living in London UK for 2 years with my wife and family.
I am having a rough trot mentally at present re-living past anxieties and depression. What a waste of time. I heard at a meeting once that that resentments are 'reliving' the past. Not very productive. Good to see all you uys on the net.
Geoff.
Member: Mike G.
Location: Nevada
Date: 05 Sep 1998
Time: 18:10:47
Hi my name is Mike and I'm an alcoholic. This is my first time at this site. I just wanted to say thanks to all of you. I am currently having a problem with a resentment,and some of what I read here was helpful. A coincdence that I happened to find this site during this topic? Thanks again, Mike
Member: pat g
Location: indianapolis
Date: 05 Sep 1998
Time: 22:28:37
hi pat an alcoholic...heard in a meeting once that you can only have one thing in your heart at a time gratitude or resnentment...they are mutually exclusive...this is my first time on the site...i will be back... i like it very much...hope all of you fare well in sobriety.
Member: Bill W
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
Date: 05 Sep 1998
Time: 22:34:25
Evening friends, I'm Bill and an alcoholic. Resentment is a big topic and even after all those many sober 24hrs I still do get them but have to let my HP handle it because I know I can"t. Shari B welcome! To me you are the most important thing to happen to me since Thursday when I was at a meeting and there was afellow There for his first meeting. For the greatest life you'll ever have call AA and go to meetings. Remember God loves you and so do I and there's nothing you can do about it.
Member: DAle S.
Location: Walnut Creek
Date: 06 Sep 1998
Time: 02:15:31
I'm Dale and an Alcoholic. I appreciate the advice from Terry H., to pray for someone you resent. It certainly sounds like it should work. I'll give it a try.
Member: Coco A.
Location: Mississippi
Date: 06 Sep 1998
Time: 03:46:13
RESENTMENT is a motivator to change, however in my case it is a motivator to drink. See, my thinkers broken and I can blow things way out of preportion, and this only hurts me, the person I am resentful at sleeps fine. I need to look within myself (pen, pencil and paper) and find out what it is in me that I see in that person and then pray for the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. If that doesn't work talking to that person face to face , or in a letter and honestly letting them know how I feel and why usually will clear up the problem.
Member: JOHN .MC.
Location: HERTS. UK.
Date: 06 Sep 1998
Time: 08:38:38
Hi John Mc here. When l came into A.A.l did'nt know what a resentment was ,l had my ideas of course, thats all. 9 months of A.A. later,6 meetings a week ,climbing the A.A. walls, l still did'nt know,l had more resentments, most against A.A. Strange but true.Today it's different, why,Joe and Charlie's B/Book study tapes.They educated me as regards resentments and a whole lot of other things which l must have missed at the meetings l went to 6 days a week for 9 months,could this be a vieled criticism of these meetings,as J&C would say"you bet". Today l dont get resentful if someone cuts me up on the freeway(motorway in the U.K.keep it simple!)l get offended, down right angry at times but l dont let it spoil my day l keep it in perspective today.If I have a resentment today its because l have'nt dealt with it(step 10).l dealt with the old stuff through the 12 steps as they are in the Big Book of A.A.the way "they" did it, the tried and tested way, not the 12x12 way as most people seem to do, perhaps thats why most people drink again!!? Some of us have great difficulty letting go of some resentments, and for "good" reason, perhaps my experience of this will help:ln 1990 my 16 year old son , who was about to become a professional soccer player was murdered, l was still drinking, to make matters worse the case against the "person" who stabbed my son was found to be "not proven???" He walked out of that court a "free man". Needless to say he was drunk and drugged at the time he committed this dreadful act.l was tormented by this for 4 1/2 years, every day,day after day after day,drink after drink after drink,why "me", why did this happen to me,me,me.How did l resolve this nightmare, by the grace of God (yes,there is a God) l met the man described on pp18 B/Book, he showed me how to look for the messages the promises the musts the words for God etc. etc.in the B/Book. He then took me through the steps as layed out in the B/Book, it took all of 2 days, no it's not a typo, "2 days".l now no longer have the daily nightmare of my sons murder, l'm free of my resentments, steps 10 and 11, idealy on a daily basis, makes sure it stays that way (rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path (chap 5 B/Book). My experience is my experience, my strength is 10 & 11 on a daily basis, my hope is that someone will get something from this. God bless j&t@demon.co.uk
Member: Bob F
Location: Springfield Oregon
Date: 06 Sep 1998
Time: 08:52:33
Hello all I'm Bob and I'm an alky. Thank you all for being here for me today. My short story is that I used to drink, smoke and spit in the street. Then I took an inventory of the things that were causing problems in my life and quit drinking. The steps that help me with resentments are first, to admit that I am indeed angry. Then look at the 3rd and 4th column in the 4th step as it applys to my situation. What threat is it to me and how can I keep it from happening in the future <or at least minimize the ill effects if it>. I once got ticked off because someone called me an alcoholic. After bringing it up in the group, a member asked me just what it was that I was taking exception to?.. Kinda put it in perspective. Thank you for being here for me. By the grace of my higher power and your fellowship, I haven't found it necessary to take a drink today.
Member: kimberly f
Location: manhattan
Date: 06 Sep 1998
Time: 13:00:38
Hi. My name is Kimberly and I am an alcoholic. I have 5 days sober. I've been sitting in meetings over the course of the last 5 days...alot actually usually two a day and no one has ever brought up resentment. Thanks for making me think. I came to AA in part because I've always known I was an alcoholic (my father suffers from the disease - and I resent the hell out of him) and partially because I hit the lonliest, ugliest, most scary place last weekend. My partner cheated on me. I resented the hell out of this person for creating what I sanctimoniously called a "web of lies". Actually, I pushed this person away slowly over the course of 2 and 1/2 years because I could not SHOW UP and actively participate in our life together. I threatened to leave, I yelled, I screamed...All I had to do was love - openly and honestly. Over the course of the last 5 days I've come to realize that no matter how much I resent what was done to me, my drinking and bad behavior was the root of the problem. Wow. Thanks so much for the topic and for letting me share.
Member: Garry F.
Location:
Date: 06 Sep 1998
Time: 15:45:27
I,m Garry and I,m an alcoholic.I'm enjoying the meeting very much.Thankyou all.
Member: Peggy S.
Location:
Date: 06 Sep 1998
Time: 19:32:55
Resentments keep coming up for me because I'm dealing with the consequences of my drinking, the financial and personal disorganization. It's keeping me from doing or getting what I would otherwise more easily do or get. I know that the greatest gift that I have is my sobriety and that without any of these "dos" and "haves", "the very worst day now is better than the very best day back then." (Thanks Jimmie Dale). Objectively, I know that if recovery were easy, it would also be easy to stay drunk. And that the difficulties are also blessings that I learn from. But when I'm tired and discouraged its hard to keep that in mind. Glad I found this group. Thanks everyone.
Member: Joe D.
Location:
Date: 06 Sep 1998
Time: 20:26:22
I was ripped off by a taxi driver earlier this year. He took me for a large sum of money. At first my resentment was so great, I couldn't even sleep. Then I remembered to pray for him. At first it was so difficult I could hardly do it, but after a while, the prayer took effect, and I was able to let him go. He no longer occupies rent-free space in my head. It works! "It really does."