Member: Denise ls
Location: New York
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 8:04:41 AM
Good Day Everyone! I guess I am first. The reason we drink I think is a good topic. Everyone has drank or wants to drink for different reasons. Stress, Fun, Control(so we think) Self pitty, Spite, Self abuse. I think if I can find the one think that set me off 700 days of sobriety (THE REAL REASON) that would help me be stronger in the future under the same sercumstances. That I cannot have not one drink and be happy or sad or have any emotion other than MORE I think scares me the most. I consider myself a very undercontrol person. Knowing that there is something I cannot control (alcohol) makes the surrender very hard.But that is the goal for all of us,RIGHT? To say even if I have everything else together ALCOHOL is the one thing that controls ME,not I it.
Thank you and I wish everyone a productive week DALS
Member: DonF
Location: NH
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 8:36:45 AM
Don, recovering alcoholic Thanks Denise, You've got the idea, surrender it to become victorious over it. Why did I drink? I drank to be cool, like the others. I puked on my shoes. I drank so I could talk to girls easier. I slurred my words. I drank so I could be more sociable. I wound up drinking alone at home. I drank to be more at home in the world of business. I lost my ass, hat, spats, and cane. I drank and I lost. 'Nuff said
Member: Carol C.
Location: New Jersey
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 8:54:50 AM
Hi! Carol Alcoholic!
I drank for any reason I could think of. Didn't matter what, anything was reason enough! It's amazing how many excuses I could think of to pick up. Been sober 8 yrs. now a day, sometimes a minute at a time.
Have a great week.
Member: Rebekah T.
Location: Tokyo, Japan
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 8:55:52 AM
I drank for the same reasons I THINK today. I don't feel enough. I want to become the SUPER me. I don't want to feel anything. I want an excuse to act crazy. I don't want to be in the present moment.
In sobriety, I have been given the gift of the present moment and the clarity to become who I really am and to recognize that...as the HONEST me, I am enough. I am worthwhile and gorgeous sober because I am closer to the truth. And that is freedom. I am so grateful to be sober and alive and here. Right now.
See you in Minneapolis!!!!! :)
Member: Rick L.
Location: Ky
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 8:59:57 AM
Hi, This is my first try at an online meeting. I like hearing from different members from around the world, get alot of different view points.....I been around this program since 1977 and seen,heard and experenced alot of different things... I can't agree with the idea that all slips are planned. For the newer members; Often it is just a mater of not fully accepting the first step yet, still depending on will power alone. For the older members, more often than not; It is a matter of forgeting to work the steps, thinking that time alone will potect us from that first drink......As for 13th steping; page 69 in the big book is a good guide for all of us.
Member: Bob Mc.
Location: Pocatello, Id
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 9:00:34 AM
Well, I suppose the reason I drank was to "feel" but only those feelings I wanted...dreams of 'vain-glory' the book calls them. I could be anyone I wanted and accomplish all sorts of things...but only in my dreams. My youth slipped away dreaming idiotic (in the light of sobriety) fantasies. Then the booze stopped helping the dreaming and turned on me, it was insane! And pitiful as well, thank God for the program! I was never afraid of dying (except by my own hand) but the thought of losing my mental faculties was terrifying....and at the end that was just what was happening.
Now I can actually think, reason and focus on life and what it has to offer. When junk happens, I can say "What spiritual lesson is here for me to learn" instead of becoming depressed or enraged and medicating. One day at a time anything can be done.
Member: Sheri F
Location: Portland, Oregon
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 9:35:51 AM
Hi, I'm Sheri an alki. I drank because I have a disease called Alcoholism and for me to drink is norm, not to drink is not norm. I drank to fit it, not to fit in, in anger, in joy, "at" husbands, (if you had my husband you'd drink too.) I didn't need a reason, any bad hair day was good enough for me. I drank to be a "lady" and I drank because I wasn't a lady. I found that hanging on minute by minute, taking my dose of "medicine" (AA) has given me a new way of life that far surpasses anything I ever thought possible. It is a disease and I have to treat it daily. The 12 Steps is my medicine. Slip's? WEll--- I'll leave that up to someone wiser than I. I personlly know that when I don't work the steps DAILY, I am setting myself up to chose to go out and drink again. Thanks to the newcomers I haven't had to do that research, I've taken the easier softer way and let you "slip" for me. PLEASE keep coming back I need you here to keep me taking my "medicine". Thanks for being here. Sanders, Mom has taken a turn for the worse, refusing food and liquids and her living will says we can't force her. Time will tell. My white count is SLOWLY going down. Answer to all your prayers. THANK YOU ALL!!!!! God Bless and Keep you
Member: raidy m.
Location: much better place
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 10:31:55 AM
The reason I drank; I am an ALCOHOLIC. Everything else, (IE), pain, shortcomings,ect,; are just symptons of my disease. Acceptance, as much today as then, is my answer to a new life, free from alcohol and drugs. My HIGHER POWER allows me, to live with me, today. I don"t reflect on my symptons, I stay in today as much as I am capable. I to thank "new comers"; they remind me of how much pain I had, and that the promises do come true. That this program does work.
Member: raidy m.
Location: much better place
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 10:35:12 AM
The reason I drank; I am an ALCOHOLIC. Everything else, (IE), pain, shortcomings,ect,; are just symptons of my disease. Acceptance, as much today as then, is my answer to a new life, free from alcohol and drugs. My HIGHER POWER allows me, to live with me, today. I don"t reflect on my symptons, I stay in today as much as I am capable. I to thank "new comers"; they remind me of how much pain I had, and that the promises do come true. That this program does work.
Member: Andrew
Location: Calgary
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 11:20:48 AM
I drank because I liked what it did for me. When I was drunk, nothing mattered anymore. All I needed was more booze to handle any kind of upsets or pain I was experianceing. I liked the effects of drinking. Booze was the solution to all of my problems. Then booze became the only problem I could see. But I had aquired the habit at a very deep level of my being. I learned that in applying the spiritual principles of the 12 steps I could reverse the habitual thinking, feeling and behavior that I had learned over a lifetime. I went to my first AA meeting in April 1982, and was not a rocked to stardom. I have returned to drink several times since, and have stopped wondering why. I am an alcoholic, and to drink is to die. So if I am to live, I will not drink and continue to apply the spiritual principles, doing the best I can with what I have got. It is always my choice, a choice I have as long as I do not drink.
Member: tony g
Location: ma
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 12:04:09 PM
i started drinking at age 14,to experiment..it soon was all i new what to do,as i was getting older i didn't now how to handle emotions and express feelings so i filled in the holes with booze.i was a copy cat in life doing what others did,not knowing why,booze once again was part of the disguise .it gave me an identity ,because deep down i didn't know who i really was ,the identity became "a drunk".to make a long story short..booze stopped "working" it soon owned me,my emotional state was like a jigsaw puzzle,i was in total inner shambles and i new inside i couldn't go on like this,that something very bad would happen. ithank God i got arrested and forced into treatment which in turn pointed me to aa....aa is teaching me how to finally accept me,and go on with my life sober,it works i have never been so happy in my life being sober.i have enough strength today not only to help myself,but i have some left over to help someone else too...please stay with it, (being sober) think about your past drinking and the pain involded in it everyday.think of how you don't want to go that route again...i'm tony an alcoholic
Member: Deb K.
Location: West Kootenays
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 12:07:37 PM
Deb K., I am an alcoholic I have been reading this site for a few weeks now and find it very helpful, I like the honesty and the sharing here. I drank for many of the above mentioned reasons, but mostly not to feel. I could not deal with feelings, I never learned that behavior while growing up. I grew up in an alcoholic home and one of the only things I learned was that alchohol was a great escape and I wanted to escape. I have learned through the AA program that I can feel and that it is alright. That when I do start to feel that I do not have to hide. I learned that alcholol was only one symptom of the dis-ease and that me-ism was a great portion. That once the compulsion and obsession were cleared that I had to live my life along the AA principals. If I miss too many meetings, isolate myself or not read my AA material, my way of coping with people places and things takes over and the old thinking starts kicking in. I get restless, irratible or bored, and I get into trouble. This site is great for reminding me who I am and where I come from. Thanks and wish you all another 24! ((Sheri F.)), my prayers are with you for strength and guidance.
Member: John.L
Location: Newark , De
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 1:29:16 PM
Hi my names John,,,Alkie/Addict Thanks for the topic Denise.....there are to many reasons why i drank to be able to put into words,,but what it all comes down to was liquid courage,,i could do anything(or so i though)when I drank,,,and I didn't like myself very much back then ...so as long as i stayed drunk ,,no one could ever see who i really was.because if i didn't like myself ,,how could anyone else,,,but i've come to find out that inside this shell of a man,there is a little boy who just wants out ,and to be able to grow up and be the man,,that he was always capable of being..every day I stay sober ,,I have another chance to find out a little more about me ,,But i couldn't do this alone,it has taken rooms like this,,and people like you all,,as well as my Home group and my sponsor to get me where i'm at today,Thanks
P.S. Hope to meet some of you all in Minneapolis at the international Convention!!!! John.L // Newark,De
Member: Bruce N
Location: Texas
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 1:42:32 PM
Hi ....Bruce an alcoholic. You know, every since I heard the ninth step promises it has been real clear to me that that has been what I've sought all my life. If I put the statement "When I Drink" before each promise then it seemed like they came true. And it worked like that for about 14 years until the drinking didn't work anymore. By that time I drank because I needed to, not because I wanted to. Today and 17 years later when I put the statement "When I'm in God's will" before each promise it becomes real clear to me that I no longer have to drink if I choose not to. Ilove you guys and God bless and keep you safe this holiday weekend.
Member: Corinne B.
Location: Camino, CA
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 1:42:55 PM
'Mornin' ((DMers))!! Corinne, Alcoholic here, there & nowhere in particular!!
Great Topic, Denise! Besides the obvious that I drank because I am an Alcoholic, I drank because it did for me all those things I could not do for myself. I was so powerless and I sought personal power through the bottle, as well as lots of combinations of alphabets (aka drugs)...
My first drink I remember was at the foot of a barstool of my own mother. It was in Hampton Roads, Virginia, in 1960 - I was going on 6 years old that summer, and I can still remember that red can with the black pretzel on it - ah, yes, Ballentine Beer! I drank the ends of the drinks around my folks' poker table many an afternoon during my childhood, and then in my teens, when I found out that drugs were easier to get than booze, I did those, too.
I liked the taste and the smell of every kind of booze, except for Scotch. I figured out early on that since my folks drank mainly Scotch, and they were both Alkies, so long as I didn't drink Scotch, I wouldn't be an Alkie. See, juice-heads were not cool to us Hippies, and being cool was my main objective in life! LOL!! Partying on anything available became my vehicle to attaining that hip, slick & cool persona; and when I arrived in AA in the Spring of 1986, I learned very quickly I was simply a whipped, sick little fool!
It was when I could finally not deny anymore that what I was doing was slowly killing myself, that someone's message of hope got through. They asked if I was hurting, and that touched me to my very core, because I was so sick of being out of it all the time! At age 31, I had lived too much life and felt I couldn't go on anymore. I was beaten into a state of reasonableness, at last.
Thanks again for a great topic, Denise!
Member: Arlene C.
Location: Washington
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 1:45:22 PM
My name is Arlene and I am an alcoholic. I drank for one reason and one reason only. To change the way I felt. Today with 20 plus years of soberity, when the thought of a glass of wine or any other alcoholic drink flickers through my mind for a moment, which doesn't happen often. Just often enough to remind me of who I am (Arlene, alcoholic). I know it is not about the drink, but about changing the way I feel. I use it as a warning siginal. I was told early in soberity that in times of stress you will return to your last sorce of comfort. Thank God that so far for me that has been meetings, my sponser, or prayer. Sometime all three.
Member: 13th stepper
Location: in bed with a newcomer
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 6:43:13 PM
13th stepper alcoholic, its been my expereance that woman 13th step just as much if not more then men men just get the blame for it all. i think low self-estem efect us all. and we look out side our selves to fix that
Member: ds
Location: nw
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 8:04:56 PM
ds alcoholic, the real reason i drink the way i do is im a real alcoholic. once i figured that out i was able to look at the rest of the steps in the big book to change my tools for living
Member: Anonymous
Location:
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 10:35:00 PM
I keep this one real simple, for me, anyhow...I drank because I am an alcoholic. I got high because I am a drug addict. It's that easy for me. I don't complicate anything I don't have to today. I just keep the focus on me, today, and what am I doing to stay SOBER? I didn't get here because life was wonderful, who cares why I drank? We all drank, we got drunk, and now here we are.....live in the present.
Member: Jeff
Location: Ontario
Date: 5/28/00
Time: 11:46:41 PM
I'm John and an alcoholic. I hate to change the topic. I don't know why I drank, I started young and it did for me what I could not do for myself. However it later destroyed my life when it was no longer able to sustain the feeling of numbness. I needed something else and found it in the spirituality of the program.
I am having a rotten day. My eight year old son told me today he is moving to Vancouver with his mother. She told him he would still be able to see me and would not have to ride so far as he would fly to visit me. She has never sent him to me in the past and I see no reason why she would change that now. I feel devastated. I however know that a drink will not help.
I have spoken with many of my AA friends and will try to develop an approach to it in the following months. I love him dearly and hope to be able to stop her. But I don't think this is in the cards. It is on days like this that my faith fails me a bit.
Any comments appreciated.
Thanks
Member: ChuckM
Location: Alberta
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 1:00:53 AM
I'm Chuck, an alcoholic
I drank to change the way I was feeling. It reduced my fears so that I could have fun. The trouble was That using this solution my fears and anxieties increased with time.
Then my allergy to alcohol took over and it was game over until I came to AA.
By doing the steps I have had a spiritual awakening and no longer have the pain of living. I have a better solution.
To Jeff, that sounds like a legal problem and alkies are not qualified to advise.
Peace and Serenity
Member: Angela B.
Location: Seattle, WA
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 2:31:42 AM
Angela, alcoholic. Why did I drink? I think that my reasons to drink changed, as I fell deeper and deeper into alcoholism. At first, it was curiousity, and the desire to be rebelious. Soon, it became a way to have fun, and meet new people––Drinking made me a wonderfully socialable person, whom (I believed) everyone loved to be around. But w/in a year, I was drinking to forget the deep depression and emptyness I felt inside. Therefore, I became this person who couldn't live without a drink, because without it, I was a shy, boring, depressed person, with constant thoughts of sucide. But through the grace of God, AA, new SOBER friends, and supportive family, today is my 30th day of sobriety. And it feels great. Sometimes it's hard to be social and sober, with so many insecurities running through my mind. But I have to remember that feeling something is better than numbing myself w/alcohol, and feeling nothing. I still have a lot to do in terms of getting a sponser and working the steps, but I have come a long way. And you know what they say, "Progress, not perfection." Thanks
Member: Al C.
Location: Florida
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 2:50:15 AM
I'm an alcoholic named Al. Hey Jeff, I've had a few experiences over the last several years with my son similar to yours; and I know that gut-wrenching feeling. For me, I needed to talk to my sponsor about this and be totally honest. The best advise he gave me was to say nothing and to do nothing in regards to this for the time being: Our heads are spinning and our emotions are wild initially. Then it was all about letting go and letting God. I read pg. 449 alot, as well as the 3rd step prayer. The slogans were a big comfort to me, especially "Easy Does It". Bottom line, when I kept ME out of it, put it in God's hands and did the next right thing it worked itself out. I hope this is helpful to you. I love you my brother and thanks for sharing.
Member: Aaron
Location: Omaha Ne.
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 3:06:58 AM
Aaron Alcoholic! To me it's important to remeber why I drank or drugged, but it is more important to remember why I stopped! I stopped because I was 19 with everything I owned packed into my 92 cavalier. I had lost my means of an education, I had lost a fiance', and i had lost me! I was parked out infront of my mom's house begging her to let me stay with her family until I got back on my feet. Alcohol and drugs had ran me through the ring harder than I had ever expected. Not more than 6 months earlier i had everything I could ever ask for. But in that short time my life was reducted to rubel(?). That's what I use to remind me of where I go when I dance with booze. Where I am from we call it playing the tape through. Sure it might be fun the first time or two. I might even control it, but that one time it's going to get me. The time I can't control it that's when I fall flat on my face and loss everything I have worked so hard to get back. Not material thing I am talking about things like my integrity, self respect, self worth. These are things that when they go I start loading guns and putting them to my head, because I hate me much more than you could ever hate me. The flip side of that coin is I don't have to live like that anymore. I never have to use again! and that to me is the beauty of this program. Thank you for letting me share.
Member: Jk
Location:
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 4:11:00 AM
my name is john and i have been sober for one year and three weeks. For me it was a conscious contact with my higher power, and the third, seventh and eleventh step prayer on a daily basis. it only gets better. Keep it simple. always have a good heart!
Member: Sean B
Location: On the Road of Happy Destiny
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 4:26:23 AM
I'm an alcoholic, and my name is Sean.
I drank because, to put it simply, I'm an alcoholic! I continued to drink because, as the Big Book tells me "The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink." I lost that choice when I got drunk for the first time at 13. In a moment of clarity, at 27, I realized that I was going to die if I kept on the way I was going. At that moment, I chose to live, even though I wanted to die! It is nice to know that even though I had turned my back on God, He never turned His back on me! That is why I am still here today, and why I continue to go to meetings (both here online and face to face), to share my experience, strength, and hope with you, and so that you can do the same with me. Isn't it nice to know that no matter where in this world I may go, all I have to do is pick up a phone, dial a number, and I can find another alcoholic on the other end! I never have to be alone again; I never have to have those feelings of uselessness and self-pity; I never have to run again when the phone rings, or there is a knock on my door. What freedom!! Thank you all, for my sobriety!! I love each and every one of you!
Jeff, it has been my own experience that the more that I tried to control things that were not within my control, the more out of control my own life got. Hang in there; you are in my prayers.
Member: Sober today
Location: Australia
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 6:11:21 AM
I drank for effect. I drank to feel better, I drank to fit in tho I hated the taste of alcohol. Time moved on and I just drank. Didn't need a reason. Sober almost 5 years now and its only in sobriety looking back, that I began to understand. Working the program of AA introduced me to myself, a person I despised more than any other.
I'm okay with myself today. Not perfect, but okay. The thought to drink crosses my mind occasionally but where drinking took me in the end is not somewhere I'd like to revisit. There are many 'yets' for me out there. And tho life today isn't perfect and there are many problems to be dealt with unrelated to alcohol, drinking won't make them better. I am an alcoholic. One drink leads me to another and sooner than later I'm drinking my breakfast.
I'm new to this site, glad I found it, and thanks to all who have shared thereby contributing to another day of sobriety.
Member: Pete B.
Location: Indy
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 6:35:24 AM
Hi everyone, I'm Pete ... a grateful recovering alcholic!
I drank because I just plain liked getting drunk. All the reasons have been stated by the people who have written before me. When I crossed the line and became addicted, it didn't matter what the reason was. Alchol controled me .... just that simple.
I had gone thru 2 years of AA but all for the wrong reasons and eventually went on a 9 year slip until my son got a DUI. Within a split second after the police called at 3AM, I knew instinctivly that my drinking was over. I was ashamed at the life I had lead and it all added up to zero. What a waist!
I knew all these years that AA was going to be my salvation .... it was just a matter of time. My surrender was total and complete. I was "naked" ....and now I was teachable. So, 13 years later I'm still surrendering, doing the steps, going to meetings and having a great life even with the ups and downs, medical problems, etc. There is no other way! AA and God (my HP) has given me back to me the tools to stay sober......bottom line .... horrendous amounts of gratitude!
God bless you all!
Member: Jeff
Location: Ontario
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 7:15:50 AM
Appreciate the support and am looking into the legal issues. Much thanks to Al in Florida. Would like to know how to deal with the emotional pain, fear and anxiety of not seeing him again.
Any comments.
Member: DonF
Location: NH
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 7:34:41 AM
Don, recovering alcoholic To the 13th Stepper: This is a program about alcohol abuse, but we Compulsives find other ways to abuse ourselves and others, and spiritual recovery requires we deal with all of them, otherwise we can be dry-drunk, or can even be the famous sober horse thief. Suprise! even sex can be a problem for us after putting down the jug, or even for those who never had a problem with the jug. There is a program for every kind of addiction, from food to gambling, and the one for sex is Sexaholics Anonymous. Check it out at www.sa.org.
Member: JL Gray
Location: The Beach, California
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 9:17:19 AM
JL here, back after a week off the net. I used to drink in airports and on airplanes. It is wierd not to. I drank in hotel rooms and rent-a-cars. I drank because I could. I drank for every reason/excuse in the book. I drank to celebrate. I drank to stop the pain. I drank for special occasions. I drank to go grocery shopping. I drank to get up for something. I drank to relax. I drank to undertake manual labor. I drank to watch TV. I drank in crowds, I drank alone. I drank to live. I really don't know why I drank. I am an alcoholic and I drank to excess because that's who I am.
Today with the help of AA and my higher power, I have a good chance to choose not to drink(today)!
Member: marjolein
Location: netherlands
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 11:08:55 AM
hmm... why I drink... well I think to start with it was because I thought people would like the all singing all dancing version of me the drink brought out. But ah... who was I ever kidding? In one early moment of lucidity, as a teenager in a bar I remember a laughing conversation on this very subject. Why do we drink? Various answers - to be sociable, to relax and so on. And what did I, the alcoholic in spe contribute to this no doubt scintillating debate? "Ach, who cares about sociable - you drink to get drUnk!" Hoho, laughter all round, but years later that laughter echoes rather hollowly in my memory. The joke is on me now. And over the years I did indeed frequently drink to get drunk. Very very very... And there was no longer any pretence of it making me less shy, more outgoing at parties. I collapsed at them more often than I enjoyed them. I drank more and more often at home alone. Reasons? Well, it was there I suppose. The words of the song by...(answers on a postcard pulleese!!) often play through my head. "What is wrong, With my life, That I must get drunk, Every night? Johnny, I'm sorry. Won't you come on home?" I suspect in my case the reason is that I'm genetically programmed as an alcoholic. Irish/Scots background - lets face it, it's a bit of a national characteristic. Some handle it better than others. But genetic programming isn't irreversible in this case. Its a programme which requires input from outside for it to be able to run... If I can stop pouring the input in, the programme could be slowed, eventually put into a dormant state. Oh always there I think, but harmless without the stuff that makes it run. Does this make sense?
Member: Debra D
Location: Memphis
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 11:26:51 AM
Hi everybody, my name is Debra and I'm definitely an alcoholic. Been working 12 hour shifts the past 4 days and have not been to a meeting. I'm so grateful to have found this online meeting while at work. (I'm alone today). I drank to relieve shyness. It just took it away. Now, when I have trouble socializing, I call my sponsor. She is a big comfort. I like to think I put down drinking and took up talking. I used to bury my feelings in drink, just like everyone else. I tried to hide from myself but had to wake up to reality anyway. I have 3 years of sobriety today by God's grace and the program of AA. It was hard to be honest and admit my character defects, but nothing else in life has been so truly rewarding. Thank you all for helping to keep the program going!
Member: Terri
Location:
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 11:36:23 AM
Hi Terri Alcoholic, The Big Book says we are a confused lot and if you ask us why we drink that we cannot give any real answer. It is a question that baffles me because I have no real answer to the question, why I picked up that first drink was because (usually) I had changed my mind about not picking up a drink. And once I picked up that first one I continued because the physical malady had set in and I had no power of choice. I have a twisted way of thinking and I cannot trust what my mind tells me about alcohol because it lies to me and makes me believe that I am "normal" when it comes to booze. That is why I have to stay closes to this program because you guys help me remember, on a daily basis, that I am an alcoholic and that I have no real reason to take that drink and to do so means the end of my life. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Terri
Location:
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 11:37:53 AM
Hi Terri Alcoholic, The Big Book says we are a confused lot and if you ask us why we drink that we cannot give any real answer. It is a question that baffles me because I have no real answer to the question, why I picked up that first drink was because (usually) I had changed my mind about not picking up a drink. And once I picked up that first one I continued because the physical malady had set in and I had no power of choice. I have a twisted way of thinking and I cannot trust what my mind tells me about alcohol because it lies to me and makes me believe that I am "normal" when it comes to booze. That is why I have to stay closes to this program because you guys help me remember, on a daily basis, that I am an alcoholic and that I have no real reason to take that drink and to do so means the end of my life. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: 13th stepper
Location: in bed with a newcomer
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 12:36:34 PM
don f it real apairant that you dont understand the recovery process. alcohol is but a simptum of the real problem so your telling me i should go some where else to deal with untreated alcoholism? KEEP COMING BACK DON F.
Member: Mary Jane B.
Location: Walled Lake, MI
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 1:16:58 PM
I drank because I didn't like myself. Alcohol made think I could conquer the world. In reality, my life was passing me by. Alcoholics Anonymous has helped me let go of my Peter Pan Complex. I welcome responsibility today. Thank God for A.A.
Member: Dave M.
Location: Willits Ca.
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 1:46:29 PM
Hello Im Dave M. Alcoholic,Addict I to drank and used to fitin Yes drank to have afit of joy a fit of anger a fit of no life on noterms. Im just shy of one year old.On 6-14-99 I had my last fit of drunken stupidity for the next 3 days I hung to life in the I.C.U. 4 more days in the hospital then to a recovery center.For the next 30 days I learned how it works. They taught me how to not drink one day at atime.I will forever be gratefull to all the others before me who did the research on why we drink and how to share with each other to keep us sober. I geuss the main reason to drink was because I din't fit in my ethnic back ground is to mixed up to bellong to any one purist group but as long as I was buying every on was a freind. Today Iknow a new love, carring,respect and bellonging, today I can stand in a room and proclaim Im Dave an alcoholic and the love fills the room for that Im gratful I bellong to the greatest gathering of carring and loving indaviduals the world will ever not know .Thank you for being there and here Happy Joyious And Free. Why didn't someone tell me sober is somuch fun life is good one day at atime.
Member: Corinne M.
Location: Beautiful B.C.
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 1:48:52 PM
Hi yaall! Corinne M. alky/addict I am. Hope everyone is doing good. I drank in the beginning because it was the normal thing to do (both my parents are in the program as well today). Then I drank for any reason there was, release anger, inferiority, intensify happy feelings, cause a fly hit my windshield, you name it. It comes down to those alky/addict genes and feelings of insecurity or the need to feel better than, for me as I see it anyway. I've been in this program for only 2 years, and I cannot believe the changes in me, my acceptance, willingness, caring, peace within. Life is good today and without the help of any chemical substance that my brain once craved. Unbelievable isn't it.
Serene Corinne P.S. Thank-you all for my life today.
Member: k1
Location: south dakota
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 2:56:30 PM
hello i'm k1 and i'm an alcoholic. i have been real patient with the 13th stepper so far, after all he is like the rest of us "sick." but to continually provide comment, criticize, and blantantly flaunt your illness is something else. it is clear YOU do not understand the recovery program. where is your honesty, open mindeness, and willingness. why don't you open up your mind and listen. the 13th stepper is just that, a 13th step, one not meant for the aa program, after all, don't we only have 12 steps. there are other recovery programs which can address your difficulties. our alcoholism was but a symptoms of something deeper. take care of it 13th stepper.
Member: Larry M.
Location: Virginia Beach
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 6:02:51 PM
I drank too much because I am an alcoholic and I am an alcoholic because I drank too much.
Thanks for letting me share.
Peace & Serenity
Member: cathyp
Location: ks
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 6:16:21 PM
Hi my name is cathy and i'm an addict. I've been out of treatment for six days. I just found this site about two hours ago and am very happy to know that i'm not alone in recovery. I'll be 19 years old in july and I intend to "keep comin' back" thanks for letting me share. Happy Memorial Day!
Member: RickW
Location: Pennsylvania
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 6:16:30 PM
My name is Rick.
I denied having a "problem" for years. I drink because it makes me feel good, momentarily. It was all a lie. The sex was not better, the problems did not go away. I was tired the next day. I was gaining weight, etc..
Actually, I drank only on weekends or when I was away from home, or when I was alone..the excuses kept coming.
I have decided I need to do something about this. I am resolving to just leave the wine alone. (That is all I drank) I believe the feel-good feeling of wine can be achieved partly by an attitude adjustment. It is all in the attitude.
I quit smoking 3.5 years ago with the help of a support group on the internet. I feel I can put the wine away with the help of supportive people here. God bless you all.
Member: Jeff
Location: Ontaario
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 6:22:40 PM
You know if I knew why I drank perhaps I could fix the why and be able to drink. I don't deal in the problem but the solution. My problem is not drinking my problem is staying sober. That way I deal with today and not wasting time on yesterday.
Drinking is not a solution but a medication for the pain. A sedative, for the dis-ease I feel with me. The solution lies in working on the reasons for the dis-ease, which in most cases comes from my inflated ego.
Member: Jeff
Location: Ontaario
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 6:23:01 PM
You know if I knew why I drank perhaps I could fix the why and be able to drink. I don't deal in the problem but the solution. My problem is not drinking my problem is staying sober. That way I deal with today and not wasting time on yesterday.
Drinking is not a solution but a medication for the pain. A sedative, for the dis-ease I feel with me. The solution lies in working on the reasons for the dis-ease, which in most cases comes from my inflated ego.
Member: Cecilia E.
Location: Texas
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 6:45:34 PM
I drank to kill the pain. I don't know what pain I had then; I was an 18 year old whose parents were putting her through a good college. I do know that I felt emotional pain then, and thought alcohol was the answer. Today I am trying to put a child through college myself. I want to say that this is my first online meeting. I have been sober for 13 years and am going through a period of depression. I'm trying to deal with this in ALL the ways I can--outside help, more meetings, talk to my sponsor, etc. This meeting is another tool I am trying to use to reach out, not isolate. Sometimes after a period of sobriety it becomes harder to admit what's really going on. What I know to be true today is that alcohol will not kill my pain, it will make it worse. In the time I've spent sober I've lived through many things, and I believe that my Higher Power will help me live through this. I'm just staying sober for one more day today, and glad to have found this meeting.
Member: jasonb
Location: glasgow,scotland
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 6:57:01 PM
I drank i because alcohol gave me feelings that i never had then it gave me feelings i didnt want.Now it doesnt give me any feelings .But sobriety since coming to AA enhanced my feelings double fold because it teaches me how to live. that all i ever wanted to live a good life.Thanks all keep coming back.SHALOM
Member: HARRY K
Location: U.K
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 6:58:04 PM
Hi folks, Harry the alcoholic here, Excellent topic Denise. The reason I drank? I didn't need a reason,I used explanations! I drank because of you, them, it, that, etc.,etc. etc. After my forth step I looked at all my character defects I learned that they all boil down to just 4 which I remind myself of each day when I do the 10th. "Where was I selfish,resentful, dishonest or fearful? Any one of those left unattended will eventually get me drunk. The reasons I began to drink have little to do with the reasons why I continued. I live in the present. As for the 13th stepper, Don F was only trying to be helpful, he does very much understand the programme. If you bothered to do a 4th step and read page 70 you might learn something. It's fine by me if you want to get drunk, my sobriety is built on the bones of those who fail to practice principals and conduct themselves with integrity. I need those reminders! But why not allow the newcomer a chance of sobriety? Why introduce her to the lowest part of our fellowship? Why not let her at least try and change her life without you providing the additional feelings such as rejection, humiliation and betrayal she will no doubt experience after you finish with her and find someone else to kill?!
Member: cathyp
Location: ks
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 8:07:55 PM
Hi my name is cathy and i'm an addict. this is my first online meeting and i'm pretty nervous. "the reason i drank" actually i never had reasoning for anything while i was using. however, i would justify my using by the feelings of confidence and strength the drug gave me. i would always block out the feelings i would get from "the crash" i was on an emotional rollercoaster. thanks to AA i don't have to feel that way today. thanks for letting me share.
Member: Katie F.
Location:
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 8:26:58 PM
Hi my name is Katie and this is the first time that I have ever participated in any AA activity. I cannot seem to get myself to go to an AA meeting so I thought that I would try this first. I am an Alcoholic and am currently in outpaitent treatment four times a week. I still want to drink sometimes but I don't. I drink becuase I want to get away from myself and reality. I don't like myself and I am so sared of how others percieve me. I figure the only way any guy will ever be intrested is if we are both intoxicated. Everyone says that I am beautiful, intellegent, etc but I'm the only one who doesn't see it. I am also recovering from 5 years of an eating disoder (that's part of the reason why I hate myself--messed up perception of me). If anyone wants to talk e-mail me at princess61080@hotmail.com
---Katie---
Member: HeatherB
Location: South Dakota
Date: 5/29/00
Time: 10:31:55 PM
hi. i've never done this before, and to be honest im scared to. I just turned 16, and am tryin to get help, so here i go. I think the reason i drink is to escape my problems. Life is painful, and I dont feel strong enough to handle it. I turn to alcohol and drugs to cover it up. Also I do it cuz I dont truly feel happy without it. I never have fun unless I have alcohol in my system. I dont understand it. I drink because I feel alcohol will take me away from my problems so i can think clearer, but really it just screws me up more. It makes my life a TERRIBLE mess, instead of making it better like i thought it was. I dont know what else to say, so thatz my story for tonight. If anyone has icq and wants to talk, my number is 69238640
Member: Jack
Location: St. Louis
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 12:20:12 AM
I'm Jack and I am an alcoholic. I had 7 months clean & sober. A few weeks back I was out walking on a beautiful day thinking things were going pretty good. I had been going to meetings most every day and working with my sponsor although I had been putting off working on my 4th step. I got the insane urge to stop at the first bar I could find. I remember thinking "call your sponsor" but put it off. I got through that afternoon but got drunk that night. Procrastonation has always been a big problem for me and thinking that "I" could get through that time alone when I had all the help I could ever want in the fellowship of AA. I've been sober 3 weeks now and am still putting off calling my sponsor because I feel like such a fool. I know how crazy this is but that phone seems to weigh a ton.
Member: Al C.
Location: Florida
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 12:32:35 AM
I'm an alcoholic named Al. Hey Jeff-Re-read my initial comments, they were directed towards your emotions and anxieties. It sounds like you're caught in a fear of future events which are not here and you're anticipting the hurt and loss you will feel. These feelings/thoughts are not real,not at this moment, you're just projecting them. We're very good at this. #1 I am powerless over this situation and the people in it. #2 I don't know what's best for me or for anyone else. #3 God does know and I will trust in His Infinite Power & Wisdom to take care of this. Don't drink and go to meetings, this too shall pass. Pain is always there with growth. You will grow from this if you don't fight it. Out.
Member: eli s
Location: md
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 12:56:11 AM
eli-alcoholic/addict. i have 13 days sober including 8 days of treatment after a huge relapse that finally said im powerless. i drank for all the same reasons all else did. i have to keep convincing myself that it didnt ever get me where i wanted to be. this is my first time at this site. thanx denise for picking this subject i dont feel so alone and sick anymore that i drank myself to misery because i thought it made me act cool...question whats the 13th step?
Member: 13th stepper
Location: in bed with a newcomer
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 1:51:02 AM
hi eli this is the 13 th stepper i would be happy to clue you in on the 13th step, if you will post your e-mail address ill get in touch with. good luck staying sober i look forward to hearing from you
Member: Kristin L. (10 yrs.)
Location: Cent. OH
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 1:58:21 AM
Alcoholic called Kristin...
If I sat around focusing on trying to figure out why I drank I would be staying in the problem. I don't know any other reason that I drank then what the Big Book says. I have a physical allergy coupled with a mental obsession. PERIOD!!!
I'm about being in the solution today not the problem so I choose to focus on how I can NOT drink today. I focus on implementing the tools. Meetings, Higher Power, following directions from my sponsor and/or other "winners" in the program. Above all~~working the 12 steps with my sponsor until I live them. That is a gift.
It doesn't matter why I drank. I'm a freaking alcoholic. Once acceptance of powerlessness and unmanagebility sets in the compulsion to drink leaves, but I must be vigilant one day at a time.
Please, get with your sponsor and get into the solution. It sounds to me like you still have some reservations. Like you are still looking for that angle so you can try to contol it somemore. When I think I'm in control that's when I'm the most out of control.
Read the 3rd chapter in the Big Book. It is More about Alcoholism and talks about the insanity of the disease in detail. All of the ways we tried to manipulate the very thing that was manipulating us.
Good Luck!!!
Member: Jeff
Location: Ontario
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 2:25:45 AM
I am powerless and it is this feeling of powerlessness over the events that are presently taking place in my sons and my life that make me want to scream. (Phew almost said Drink) I don't much care for the idea of leaving it up to God when I know it is someone else's actions causing the disturbance.
I need to return to a safe place in my head. Have to accept I am going to be feeling like shit for a while. I'm just a pain Junkie.
Member: AMYR
Location:
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 6:27:29 AM
Hi. My name is Amy. This is off topic. But I am not sure that I am an alcoholic. Oh, I know there are those that will say, "keep drinking, alcohol will convince you." the thing is, i tried sobriety once and was miserable. did everything that i was asked to do and didn't drink...but the misery. And here i am, drinking occasionally, still miserable. So, is it possible that 2 treatment centers and 10 years later, that i am not an alcoholic, just mentally ill?
Member: RICK L.
Location: KY.
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 9:29:32 AM
Like alot of other people in the program I found that Alchol gave me wings to fly..but than it took away the sky....For the new people in the program...There are only 12 steps in A.A. We use the term 13 steper to desribe a sexural predator who thakes advantage of a newcomer for their own selfish reasons.
Member: Rea F
Location: northern Illinois
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 10:01:10 AM
I came to this site today, for the first time. I have no AA experience and don't know anything about 12 steps. I just know that I'm drinking because I'm depressed and want to go to sleep and be away from this life and myself. Can anyone suggest something for me besides going to a live meeting. I don't want to deal with that right now. I pray you will all have the strength and power to not drink today. Please pray for the same for me.
Member: Kristin L. (10 yrs.)
Location: Cent. OH
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 10:37:35 AM
Amy, I heard a convention speaker (Sandy Beach) once say, "If you're not happy in AA, you're not doing it right." I don't think I've met anyone who made it here by mistake.
Rea, the only thing I know for me is I had to do something different in order to keep from getting what I always got. The first step is: WE ADMITTED WE WERE POWERLESS; THAT OUR LIVES HAD BECOME UNMANAGABLE. When I drink I'm unmanagable. When I am not living the 12 steps in sobriety I'm unmanagable. When I'm not relying on my Higher Power (Jeff) I'm unmanagable. Please commit yourself to getting to a face to face meeting. I know it's scary at first but in order to get better I've had to do alot I didn't necessarily want to do. I'm glad I chose life in AA rather than death drinking.
http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/alcoholicanonymous
This is another great online club and we do have lots of sobriety there. Good Luck!
Member: Ella C
Location: UK
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 11:16:29 AM
Hi, my name is Ella and Im a 22 year old Alki from England. Great subject, Denise. Before I CHOSE recovery in Sept 98 I thought I drank: to fit in, to be more confident, to calm my nerves and that I could give it up any time I wanted to. The reality is that I am an addict, who depended upon alcohol and other substances to get through my day - to act as a crutch to support me when I was down, when I was high, when it was raining, when it was sunny - but hey, didnt we all make excuses for our behaviour?! I see my alcoholism as a progressive disease that would have killed me if I had not stopped drinking. It could still kill me if I pick up a drink. I think it is so important to not become complacent in our recovery, as complacancy can lead to relapse. Someone said earlier about being reminded by newcomers of the shit we all went through when we each hit our rock-bottom, and that this is a good reminder for us all. I certainly agree with that - not only the newcomers who share their drunken experiences, but anyone who goes through a relapse, as when they describe how they felt during and after the 'slip' it is like they took that drink for me. It is a great reminder that relapse is nasty (has anyone ever heard someone describing an 'enjoyable' relapse?
This whole program is about choices. When I was drinking I had no choices, they were taken away from me with every swig of the bottle. I am so grateful to have choices now, and to be a part of a genuine and loving fellowship where we do not judge each other.
Keep safe everyone, and keep coming back.
Ella XX
Member: SaraM.
Location:
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 2:24:15 PM
Today is my first try at sobriety in four years...I am 18 years old and I drink to get through the day, to forget the pressures of school and work and to never have to think about why I am unhappy...I am so lost at the moment and I am in need of advice...
Member: Jamie B.
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 3:40:15 PM
Hi I'm Jamie and I am an alcoholic.
I'm not sure if I drank because I hated myself or if drinking made me hate myself. Chicken before the egg theory. Doesn't really matter now does it? After 14 months of sobriety I can see I'm not that bad a person. Reading the Big Book, embracing the principles of AA, meetings, my sponsor and not picking up that first drink have allowed me the time and tools to find out not only what kind of person I am but what I can be. It's all about choices. Every day I learn something new about me. Sometimes not great things either. But living sober I don't add to my problems. I deal with them head on. What a liberating feeling. Thank goodness for AA and other recovering alcoholics!
Member: Becky
Location: Fl
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 4:10:12 PM
Hello all-
Becky/alkie here-- Wow, this topic has really inspired a lot of newcomers! JUST DON'T DRINK.
I began drinking TO feel. I was not allowed to feel or speak unless it was in agreement with my alcoholic father. I was a dutiful daughter, an academic success, well mannered, etc., but I had no clue who I really was as I followed the paths simply chosen for me. Consequently, at first opportunity (college) I pushed all borders. Alcohol made me feel free and wild and sexy. I thought I was adorable! I played all the time! Funnier! Smarter! I felt like I finally had center stage and my feelings and opinions mattered. I received mmore attention than I had ever had in my life. All the men I dated were serious drinkers who walked the "wild side". I thought dangerous men were romantic. (NOT!) Although I was successful, well travelled and landed a great job, I never could slack off on the drinking. It became every day. Somewhere I stopped being the cute little lush and became a smart-ass bitch. Not pretty. The alcoholic had always been there; I just never admitted it. Relationships didn't last, I held grudges, I blamed everyone and the world...and I became sad and depressed. My little coping strategy that I thought would work so well was failing me. It didn't make me happy anymore. It made me feel pathetic and old. So, it's over. I am an alcoholic. I played with fire. I got burned. I don't play with matches anymore!!!
Love and peace to all-- ONE DAY AT A TIME!
Member: Jason C
Location: Calumet City, IL
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 5:53:00 PM
Hi, My name is Jason and I am an Alcholic, I drank because my disease told me I had to drink and becasue I was very weak spiritually and mentally I gave in to my disease. I let my disease take control of me and tell me that I was no good and all I am allowed to do is drink ,drink, drink. Today, I dont drink, go to meetings, fellowship and work the steps. My disease is no longer plagueing me with the insanity of drinking. There is only one reason we drink and that is because we like it. Our disease tells us we need it. So as long as I dont feed my disease and follow suggestions then my disease will lay dormant forever one day at a time. Thats all I got today.
I LOVE YOU ALL and PLEASE STAY SOBER FOR YOU!!
Member: John K
Location: Ontario
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 7:36:07 PM
Hi, my name is John: Good topic Denise,I realy did'nt know why I drank to the ends that I did until I got to the doors of AA and got into the 12 steps and a good fourth step.When I was out there the booze made my life bearable but in the end the very thing that held me up knocked me down.So like I said AA along with the 12 steps has pulled my head out of my ass, thank you Denise.
Member: Denise ls
Location: New York
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 7:44:36 PM
Hi Everyone!! I just logged in to read and learn and boy have you guy's taught me a lot!! I am happy to see that there are a lot of newcomers here. I hope that you all keep coming I know I will. If anyone would like to write please do so(except 13th stepper) SORRY you are not my type! My e-mail is joeg.1@gateway.net You all give me HOPE to take each day and make it a great day.SOBER and SMART.CALM and HAPPY. THANK YOU ALL AND GODS LIGHT OVER YOU!
Member: LDD
Location: Southern California
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 8:20:20 PM
I think this is a good topic because we need to remember why we drank and see that it was no reason at all.
I drank because I like to be drunk and isn't that a brilliant reason to drink? My problem is once I start drinking, I don't stop until someone or something makes me stop. You can get into a fair amount of trouble that way. You can also literally drink yourself to death. The generalities are that 3.0 BAC is blackout level, 4.0 BAC is coma and 5.0 is dead. I've done plenty of blackout drinking and it isn't that much further to coma and death. You don't really feel much drunker at 2.0 than at 3.0 so why can't we stop at 2.0 (or even earlier, if we were really sensible alcoholics)? I don't know, but I do know that I can't stop.
Knowing that I could literally drink myself to death is not a good enough reason (by itself) to not drink. Isn't that amazing? I have this list of reasons that I use to remind myself every single day of why I don't drink.
I have fourteen months of sobriety, although I didn't admit to being an alcoholic for twelve of those fourteen months. Do other people have to remind themselves every day of why they don't drink? Is that "normal?"
Member: john a
Location: ny
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 8:45:13 PM
1st time here. I drink because Im an alcoholic. I dont want to admit it though so I prove I can stop and then guess what. I reward myself by telling myself I was good for so many days so I deserve just one. But there never is just one is there? So the time and effort and happy feeling I got from not drinking is replaced by the feeling of failure which is just another reason to drink. God,I wish there was a better way to turn that 'switch' off for good. It's such a stupid circle.
Member: johnny b
Location: ohio
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 9:42:24 PM
hi everybody iam john alcoholic heres a good story a lot of reasons why i dont drink the booze turned on me.I drank for happiness and became unhappy, idrank for joy and became miserable, i drank to be outgoing and became self centered, idrank for sopisticatoin and became crude and obnoxious, i drank for friendship and made enemies, i drank to soften sorrow and wallowed in self pitty,i drank for sleep and awakend without rest, i drank for strenth and felt weak,i drank for relaxation and got the shakes,idrank for confidence and uncertain,i drank for courage and became afraid,i drank for assurance and became doutful,i drank to stimulate thought and blacked out, i drank to forget and became haunted,i drank for fredom and became a slave, idrank for power and became powerless, i drank to erase problems and saw them multiply, i drank to cope with life and invited death,i drank because i had the right and everything turned out wrong. thanks for the great topic.
Member: Doug K
Location: West Michigan
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 11:01:01 PM
Hi everybody, my name is Doug and I'm an alcoholic. I drank, ultimately, because alcohol owned me, owned my soul. I couldn't live without it, though I knew it would kill me. I drank because I couldn't stop. I am powerless over alcohol, defenseless, and I know it. Fun, justifications, resentments, social lubricants,etc had passed earlier. I drank, therefor I was. Through this program, the people, and the love and blessings of my higher power, I haven't had to take a drink in quite some time. Though I am well aware that it is not me keeping me sober. Without this program the Four Horsemen come riding back. Thanks Doug
Member: JCP ^\^
Location: Penn's Woods
Date: 5/30/00
Time: 11:26:26 PM
“We had to drink because times were hard or times were good. We had to drink because at home we were smothered with love or got none at all. We had to drink because at work we were great successes or dismal failures. We had to drink because our nation had won a war or lost a peace. And so it went, ad infinitum..”—As Bill Sees It, p. 279
J here, a grateful alcoholic: Tonight I went to the meeting that 25 years ago was my first MIRACLE in A.A., beyond getting to the first meeting the evening of Memorial Day, 1975. For the first day in seven years, that Tuesday, I netted 24 hours meeting-to-meeting, without a drink.
I was at the same table tonight, except that the tables have changed from wood to metal. I became a home group member of the Monday night (first meeting) group but never have belonged to this Tuesday home group, though I have attended enough to remember people who are not there now.
Why did I drink? Let me count the days! Sun came up. Sun went down. Snow snarled traffic. Steelers won. Waiting for the bus after work (sometimes from 3:45 p.m. to 10 or 11). Steelers lost. I ran around on my family. They shunned me. I deserved a night off. I got to know a onetime world boxing champ in a neighborhood bar. He’s dead now, never made A.A. Every day without exception, I never lacked an excuse. I am an alcoholic, from a family of alcoholics (not every member but enough) and that’s what we did—at least before we tangled with a Higher Power we met in A.A. “We” being specifically me, my brother in another city, and my son in still another.
The lifeline was wearing thin my first day without a drink (and that damnable tension) but I had kept my job— lost some ground at work as “introverted” but “managed my drinking” and got there somehow through flu epidemics and snow storms. This cut me off when I met others in A.A. from my building who had rehab. I would have to self-accuse myself of all those cover-ups. Gratefully, A.A. proved to be sufficient.
There is a lot of criticism of A.A. meetings on the web—and I came through a critical phase or two, but now for me, “It works if you work it.” Things never quite get patched up perfectly, and my children have moved away, but a new generation is growing up where they are and in my brother’s city that is beyond the old alcoholic game, at least for now. I don’t expect you to believe that—I probably never would have—but it’s worth a shot.
Whatever’s wrong with my sobriety (and there’s enough to keep me interested in a noon meeting tomorrow in the same room as tonight (last free lunch around here), nothing’s been wrong ever at any meeting I went to that made me drink.
And if you do what I say, don’t tell me—my head’s big enough. I’m certainly not claiming to be a “better member”: Plain ol’ A.A. has given more than I could imagine, that night 25 years ago, the first 24 hours in which I made it meeting-to-meeting without a drink.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member: John 11yrs
Location: Ontario
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 12:45:06 AM
Kristin L. I have a little over 10 yrs. and go to an average of three meetings a wk.. But I believe in being honest about how I feel. I just found out that my son will be moving some 4,000 miles away.
If you have not had hard times in sobriety I envy you. However being sober and dishonest about how we feel is dishonesty at its worst. Because the only thing it means is we are putting on a happy face that is a sham.
Good luck.
Member: William H.
Location: Toronto
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 2:07:19 AM
I drank because I was bound to. I deserved that Warhol [or two] after work. The meal had to be accompanied by a suitable bottle of wine [or two]. And boy, didn't those V & T's help the night hours slide by so much faster?
- It's too bad though that my partner had to find me slumped over the kitchen counter at four in the morning, with the phone torn from the wall and the back door wide open. -
But the next evening that would not be my memory, - however seeing the phone made me shiver - and well, that compelled the thought for a much needed 'smoother'. Ah yes, a bloody caesar would be just what the doctor would order....
It's been only five weeks (congrats Becky) and I have to keep reminding myself how I had become.
I had to drink, and I don't have to anymore.
Member: JACK B
Location: CUMBOLA , PA
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 3:04:02 AM
Hi I am Jack a real alcoholic.Good topic Denise. I became addicted to self approval long before I became addicted to alcohol.Alcohol gave me that instant self approval.The real reason though that I drank was I loved the taste of beer from the start.In my opinion one of God's greatest gifts to mankind was beer.I abused my right to enjoy that luxury. I can't drink socially and never will be able to.I can come up with all kinds of reasons why I drank and if I picked up a drink today, I could come up with all sorts of excuses and reasons.If I drink today it is deliberately forgetting I am an alcoholic. The most important thing in my life today is not to pick up that first drink.If I pick up that first drink today,whatever is number two or number three on my to do list will not get done.Thanks for keeping it green for me. God Bless all on our road in recovery.
Member: ECLIPTICK
Location: CANADA
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 4:36:32 AM
I DRANK CUZ IT TASTED AND FELT GOOD!!! I'M 8 DAYS SOBBER NOW AND FEEL GOOD!!!I KNOW THAT I CANNOT DRINK ANYMORE NOT EVEN SOCIALLY AND THAT'S DEPRESSING TO KNOW THAT I'M NOT IN CONTROLE OF ALCOHOL!!! I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO ENJOY LIFE WITHOUT IT!! ANY SUGGESTION'S????? I'M FINDING LIFE VERY BORRING
ELIPTICK
Member: Fred M
Location: MD
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 7:03:23 AM
I'm Fred and I'm an alcoholic, sober today by the grace of God and the fellowship of AA.
I try to keep it simple and focus daily on my recovery. But, why did I drink? Because I'm an alcoholic with a long list of character defects. Any of those defects (dishonesty, selfishness, fearfulness, pride, distrust, etc.) can come back full force and ruin my sobriety. So, thru the 12 steps of AA, I work hard to help God remove those defects. Are they removed? Not entirely, I just claim progress, not perfection. I find that on the days I concentrate on prayer, service, and God, I don't drink. That has worked now for a long, long time, so I'm just going to keep at it. Thanks for letting me share. Love, Fred
Member: Linda S.
Location: G. Beach, CA
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 9:49:41 AM
Linda alcoholic I drank because I loved alcohol, more than anything or anyone in the world, and my lover (alcohol) ended up turning against me and betraying me. I tried to hang on to the good memories but new this relationship had to end or it would kill me. I found a higher power and AA and now I have a new love.
Member: suzanneg
Location: beach, calif
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 1:25:34 PM
Suzanne, alcoholic/addict, here. I drank, or used, because it was there. When I was a teeneager, it was easy to get alcohol. In fact, in my junior year of high school, my dad said I could get whatever I wanted as a reward for good grades. I said I wanted a bottle of tequila to celebrate - and I got it. I drank and used because I could afford it. I took pills because I had a prescription for them, even though I was supposed to take 1, not 6. I don't know if it's pain or predisposition(or, for me, both), but when that's there, the only reason you need to drink/use is because it's there. I don't know which had been harder for me, to face my pain or to fight the predisposition. And a note to newcomers, you can't just not drink if you're dealing with pain. It will find other ways to come out if you don't do the program. As Owl would say, "Be brave, little Piglet!".
Member: Bill M.
Location: Southeast Coast
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 1:32:21 PM
Bill, alcoholic, I was trying to remember who said it or where I read it but a glimmer of hope came when I heard it. Alcoholics drink for one reason, "To feel better than they presently feel". It is exactly why I took every drink "To feel better than I presently felt" - never drank to throw up, to get put in jail,to wet the bed, but to feel better than I presently felt - it makes sense and when alcohol stopped making me feel better than I presently felt, I blamed everything other than alcohol - the brand, something I ate or someone that upset me, and on and on. Many of us suffer from the "i - s - m" of the word alcohol-i-s-m, referring to the i, self and me. The i changes to we. self centeredness changes to interest in others, and for the me, it just gets better. I continued to drink four more years after I knew I was an alcoholic. I saw the movie Days of Wine and Roses in 1964 and knew that I was an alocholic - didn't get sober till 67. Guess how many days at a time I am able to stay sober now? Love ya, Bill
Member: Amy
Location: Appleton, Wis.
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 2:45:27 PM
Hi. I'm Maria and I'm a -- gasp -- alcoholic.
Man, I HATE THAT!! I've gone to a handful of AA meetings, and met a woman that really hit it on the head when she noted that I was not really dealing with Step One. I can't even call what I was doing "slipping" since I haven't given myself whole-heartedly to the program.
What will it take? I'm so terrified of the long-term effects! I've been busted by my boss for being buzzed on the job, but, like all my skirmishages involving beer/wine, everyone gets over it. And after a while, it's back to drinking normal.
I feel like I'm drinking until some truly dreadfull happens, like I get breast cancer or my husband leaves me or I get fired or I get in a DUI accident.
But since all the bad stuff that's happened seems to fade away, I still keep drinking. I guess my problem is Step One. JEEZ!! Is a detox center the way to go?? I need to get it together. I drink way too much for a woman of my size.
But again, am I ready???
Member: Tom A. 7/25/60
Location: Carlisle, AR
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 2:46:02 PM
Good Afternoon to everyone on Staying Cyber's discussion meeting this week. my name is Tom A. and I am an alcoholice who is sober today by the grace of a wonderful Higher Power and the teaching of this fellowshio we call A.A.
I haven't posted in awhile, but Denise's topic has prompted a number of opinions and one thing for sure that is A.A. at its best. My earlier sponsors suggested to me that I would hear a lot of stuff around these meetings that seemed way out there, but they said just use what you can use to stay sober. I guess a fortunate thing happen to me when I was about 3 months sober and it was at a discussion meeting and this gentlemen, we called the drunken professor, showed up again at the meeting and of course he had something to say and this is what I learned from him. He said, "I know why you guys are staying sober. You utilized the program and I analyze the program." In other words keep it simple. Truthfully, there are many reasons or excuses for why I drank, but from that moment on I decided to keep it simple by not drinking today. "Ask your Higher Power for help in the morning, don't drink today, and thank Him at night for keeping you sober." For me alcoholism is the deadliest disease!
Thanks for letting me share my experience, strength, and hope! We love all who post here!
God Bless - Tom A., ate@gte.net
Member: GREGG G.
Location: KENNEWICK, WA
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 8:01:07 PM
Member: Connie N
Location: Minnesota
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 8:03:22 PM
Hi, I'm Connie and I'm an alcoholic. I drank so I could live with myself and everything else under the sun. I actually thought about writing all the reasons down once, but what would be the point?
Welcome to the Club, Amy in Appleton! Hate to be the first one to tell you this, but being an alcoholic isn't something you get "ready" for. You either are one or you're not...once you have the realization that you are an alcoholic that's all there is to it. I hate the idea that I'm an alcoholic---I've spent so much of my life trying to blend in and now I am set apart. I don't like it..but that's the way it is. Sad thing is, if you're an alcoholic and you continue drinking, it's a matter of time before it kills you one way or another. It will take everything from you gradually or all at once. Like a frog who boils to death in gradually heated up water, alcoholics oftentimes don't see it coming.
Great topic---I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it all out myself.
Connie
Me
Member: Michelle S
Location: Lethbridge Alberta, Canada
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 8:15:46 PM
hi all Michelle here alcoholic from Lethbridge Alberta Canada. Great topic Denise. What amazes me as I read through all the comments is that despite all the differences between us, really underneath we are the same. We all drank to help dull reality... to make it a little more bearable. At some point in our illustrius drinking careers, reality began to suck with the booze as well. I knew I was licked long before I got into the program, but I had hid my drinking so well, nobody had a clue and I just couldn't imagine sitting my husband down and telling him I had a drinking problem. So I took the cowards way out and waited for the "stuff" to hit the fan. Eventually it did. Today I am sober almost eight months and learning to deal with reality on reality's terms without the aid of a drink. I thank all of you on this page who basically kicked my arse a year ago to get myself to a meeting and keep going until I got it. Starting to get it now, and have just completed my step 5. Wishing you all another 24 hrs. And to finish off with my new favorite mantra from the grapevine....There are but 3 choices for alcoholics, locked up, covered up, or sobered up. Grateful for my new life. Bye now
Member: Connie N
Location: Minnesota
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 8:15:53 PM
Gosh now that I re-read my post it sounds awfully depressing. Sorry--must be the funk I'm in. :-(
(Just lost almost 60 days to a stupid beer at a graduation party)
Hang in there all you new people....it's great once you get going (not perfect, but great!).
Connie
Member: Michelle S
Location: Lethbridge, Alberta
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 8:37:39 PM
hi all Michelle again, was a couple of things I missed. First to the 13th stepper. I don't know if you are just talking the talk, or actually walking the walk but consider this. Had anyone tried to 13th step me when I first got into the program I would be dead now, cause I never would have gone back. Think about what you are doing to the most vulnerable people in the room. To all you newcomers, as hard as it may be to face, you have to get to a live meeting. You may not hear anything your first few times, but eventually it will start to sink in. It's too easy to sit at your computer and type, but you need other alcoholics to challange you to get honest and to support you through your fist tenuous steps. Remember a computer screen cant hug you back, look you in the eye and really understand the pain you are going through, a fellow alcoholic can.
Member: Toddy N.
Location: Ruidoso Downs NM
Date: 5/31/00
Time: 10:22:19 PM
Hi everyone, I'm Toddy and I'm an alcoholic.
I drank at first because I thought that's what one did when one grew up. Both of my parents drank heavily, so did most adults I came into contact with and it seemed the 'adult' thing to do. So even though I didn't like the taste of alcohol I drank it and have to admit I loved the effects! I felt like superwoman, like I was more beautiful, more interesting, more funny, more sexy, you name it, alcohol made me feel it more.
Sadly after awhile I found I drank because I couldn't imagine not drinking. I felt like I HAD to drink to make it through the day. I woke each morning wondering how long I could put off that first drink of the day. If I made it until noon I felt like I was doing good. Then I drank until I ran out of booze and was unable to get more or until I passed out. I was what is called a 'functioning' alcoholic, and since I did my job, kept my house clean, took care of my kids I thought that I was doing fine drinking. So if I needed to drink to get through the day, fine! I even thought that I did a BETTER job working, cleaning, cooking, mothering, etc. when I drank, if I didn't drink I might not do as well at those things. Boy, was I ever under the spell!
I drank because I had to, I didn't know any other way to live. When the alcohol turned on me instead of turning me on anymore I was scared. I still thought I had to have it but it was screwing up my life so what was I to do? I didn't think I could ever give it up, I had to have it! The alternative, however, was even scarier, for that would have meant giving up my husband and family. But could I still keep them and not drink? I was so afraid!!
Thank God I was able to make my way to AA. I learned that I could give up alcohol, and I could keep my family and my job and my friends and all the things I was afraid of losing. Not only could I live without drinking, why, I could even have people like/love me just being plain ol' me! Some of them like me a lot more without the alcohol, I like myself a lot more too.
I drank to live, I lived to drink. Now I live to live, and I like that a lot more. Maybe I'm not as beautiful as I imagined myself to be, or as funny, or as sexy,( although that's questionable...LOL), but I'm also not as stupid or full of BS either. May I add sick, puking, stinking drunk either.
Newcomers, WELCOME, to the big adventure life holds for you now. It may seem boring after the chaos you've been living but believe me, that boredom will end and you'll see stuff you never imagined in your wildest drunken dreams!!
Member: Sad
Location: and Pissed
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 12:09:57 AM
Sorry to get off the subject here but I have to express this somehow or I will go nuts inside.
I took the advice of my sponsor and ended a relationship with a lady I am deeply in love with. She is a beautiful, wonderful person but my sponsor convinced me that it was wrong so I ended it. After not seeing her for over 6 months, I ran into her tonight and I am hurting so bad inside because I still (after all this time) love her as much as I did the day I left her. She didn't even acknowledge me because she was with another man but I know she saw me. When I told my sponsor about how I still felt, he told me to stop being such a weak idiot and just forget her. I called a female freind of mine in the program and she said it was real clear that I still loved this lady and that I needed to do something about it because it is killing me inside. She says my sponsor has no business trying to run my personal life and that if I love this woman and we are meant to be, my sponsor was the one who had to get over it.
I am scared because it seems that she has moved on with her life. I don't know what is going to happen but right now I feel like I could use a good strong drink! But I know that will do no good, so instead I will call her and take the risk of being told "too late."
Thanks for listening to my junk.
Member: Shelli
Location: CA
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 2:30:03 AM
Hi Denise, Shelli here recovering alcholic, Very good topic, why did I drink, I drank because I wanted to have fun, then I drank to avoid serveral problems, then all I had was problems and I drank litterly to escape, finally I drank because I had no choice in the matter and I eventually became a closet drunk and finally attempted suicide behind drugs and alchol. I'm truely a real alcholic, the real question for me today is "Why did I decide one day to get sober?" I still haven't figured that one out, that was 14 years ago and I haven't had a drink since. I pray you are so lucky, there are a million good reasons to drink, the hard part is not drinking and then finding that one good reason to stay stopped, especially when the only thing in the world you want is oblivion. Just don't drink no matter what. I drank because I'm an alcholic and thats what alchies do best. It's as simple as that for me.
Member: Rick L.
Location: Ky.
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 9:43:39 AM
Just like alot of others I thought that coming to A.A. meetings was the end of the line for me. Thought that there wouldn't be any more fun or excitement in life. Even thought that killing myself would be an easyer way out of the mess that I had made of my life....Sure glad that I gave AA a chance. The friends that I still had at the time were glad to see me get sober. I didn't lose friends, I met alot of new ones. I didn't have to become a Saint. I did become a better person or so I been told. I didn't stop having fun, I just remember it all now. Was also glad to find that My sex life got alot better. I haven't puked on my date since 1977.
Member: Lynn S
Location: OR
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 10:03:58 AM
Hi I'm Lynn and alcoholic. I drank because I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease. After 18 years I see that I really actually had no choice but to drink-until I found AA. Now I go to meetings and don't drink in between. It works if you work it and it won't if you don't.
Member: Mika(m)Reinikainen
Location: Turku Abo Finland
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 10:34:39 AM
Why do we or why did we drink and why might we do it again?
Because of sin - the difference between the will of man and the will of God. Getting drunk is a result of sinful thoughts (anger, bitternes, depression, selfishness, sexual fantasies etc.) and also a sin in itself.
Member: 13th stepper
Location: got this hot new blond on the hook
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 12:06:20 PM
13th stepper alcoholic,we dont want to be the arbiter of anyone sex conduct. page 69 B.B. so what are the comments about the 13th stepper here for. i guess you should call your sponser
Member: David S
Location: UK
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 12:16:42 PM
Today I've finally admitted I have a problem though I think I've known it deep down for a long time. I guess it's one day at a time from here on in. I'll let you know how it goes.
Member: Don H
Location: Franklin Park, NJ
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 2:36:44 PM
Hi, my name is Don and I am an alcoholic. Many people drink alcohol yet they are not alcoholic. How can this be if the premise that the reasons a person drinks is what makes him or her an alcoholic is true ?
When I first got sober I too spent a lot of time trying to figure out know why I drank. Now some 14 sober years later I know that the reasons I drank are not important and these reasons in and of themselves do not make me an alcoholic. What is important and what makes me an alcoholic is how I drank and the effect alcohol had on me. My problem never was drinking but rather all the trouble that came along with it. I never did figure out that not drinking was the key to not getting locked-up or fired from my job or being shunned by all I knew. I always wanted to drink as much as I could without the consequences. And that my friends is not possible.
Member: Jerry L.
Location: NewBedford, Mass.
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 5:18:57 PM
Hello Denise, This is my first time here. I have been sober A Day At A Time 9 yrs. I drank to escape myself and the turmoil around me. I didn't like myself very much. No self asteem, No self confidence, I hated me. So Injesting alcohol was my instant change. I became whomever you wanted me to be and whatever you wanted me to be. But, the sad truth is once I drink one I cannot put it down to save my life. On May 9th , 1991 I almost succeeded in losing my life. My loving wife, my sponsor, and a close friend delivered me to a detox rehab. That night my heart stopped and the doctor and nurses brought me back. I am a miracle. I don't know why me but I do not question it. I love life today. I have a God of my understanding and the fantastic life giving fellowship of AA. I do not take any credit I give it to God and the AA fellowship which is God given. My group loved me till I could love myself. I will remain grateful daily. Asking for his will not mine to be done. I have done a honest 4th and 5th step which has set me free from bondage of self. I sponsor others which helps me to grow. I keep it green because I don't ever want to forget where I come from. I was a very low bottom drunk. I got sober at just before my 40th birthday and this June 9th God willing I will turn 50 yrs old. I never thought I would ever live to see 30 the rate I was going. Nice hearing you and all the others. Thankyou for sharing. We stay sober I get drunk. groups don't get drunk. Sponsor, many meetings many chances. Ask for help and thank him at night no matter how life is treating you. If you havent' picked up a drink you are successful. Sobriety is much more than that though that is a start. You must change the person you bring into these halls or like myself you will go out again. I was sober from March 1979 to Dec. 1985 and decided to drink. 5 yrs later God entered a detox through nurses and a doctor and saved my life. I will always be grateful. Grateful drunks go to meetings. I am not saying anything new this was taught to me by the Good Old Timers thank God they were here for me. In Good health and Gods many Blessings and happy Sobriety I wish to all. Jerry L. :)
Member: NEED ADVISE BAD
Location: LOST IN OREGON
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 5:25:06 PM
I HAVE NO CLUE WHY I DRANK,CAUSE I LIKED IT,I THOUGHT.NOW I DONT DRINK AT ALL,AND IM REAL BORED AND LOST IN LIFE, THESE MEDS ARE DEPRESSING TOO. MEETNGS??? TRIED THEM TOO,BUT IT DONT SEEM TO HELP EITHER. STILL UNEMPLOYED.STILL UNHAPPY WITH LIFE. ANY SUGGESTIONS OUT THERE?????? Cant go back yet cant seem to go forward either.I lost 20 something years somewhere in the bag and in a bottle.what a mess to say the least.HELP
Member: STILL NEED ADVISE
Location: LOST IN OREGON
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 6:03:00 PM
STILL NEED HELP
WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD A.A.PEOPLE WITH SOME ADVISE???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????STILL LOST IN OREGON
Member: GREGG G.
Location: KENNEWICK, WA
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 6:27:48 PM
Member: Denise ls
Location: New York
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 8:53:09 PM
SARA, Thank you for your note..Write anytime Hope I helped.
I find it amaizing that on this page there is at least one hundred years or more of sobriety and we all as a group can be so solid but yet still so vulnerable to a substance that even Jesus himself turned water into?? What makes us so different? Are we the worriers of the world or as a friend in the program once said the CROSS bearers. I have to say that this topic has brought many different points and views to light for me. I have to say THANK YOU ALL AGAIN.You ALL help to keep me strong!!
Member: A friend
Location:
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 9:27:26 PM
This message is to the Sad. Sponsors should be assisting you by giving guidance as it relates to your alcoholism. Your friend in AA is absolutely right to say that your sponsor has no business telling you how to live your life.
Not being true to yourself leads to the very topic this discussion site is on this week. It is one of the main reasons for our drinking. So beware "Sad" because when you let other people (sponsors, friends, family, etc) lead your life for you, you remain un-true to yourself and that my friend will lead you to your next drunk.
People who try to control other people are quite sick themselves. They are filled with so much fear themselves that it blinds them to the destructive hurt they cause others. Fear is nothing more than a lack of trust in God. Do you really want to allow a fearful destructive person run your life? When it is all said and done and they have accomplished their goal of manipulating you, they will find some other aspect of your life to control or they will move to the next poor victim and you will be left miserable, just like you are right now.
A bit of advice.....call this lady and be honest with her as well as yourself. And lastley call that sponsor of yours and remind him that there is a God and he aint it.
Good luck....
Member: David B.
Location: KC MO
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 10:13:29 PM
My Name Is David.I am an alcoholic. About why I drank is taht i wanted to become the person i am not I drank for the effect. It did for me what I could not do for myself and I still can not do it myself that is Now God is my effectiveness and my strength is AA and the 12 steps. My peace comes from God and not the alcohol that I thought would give me everything I wanted and I am who i am today and that is enough for me.
Member: S.B.
Location: Northeast
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 10:30:26 PM
Hi, S. here, alki. Well I might be getting a little better. Last Thursday (that's usually when my drinking begins), I didn't buy a bottle that night after work because I knew my boyfriend took my full bottle last week and would return with it (which he did). Now this week, I didn't get a bottle this Thursday and I know he doesn't have one to bring and I have some confidence I won't pick up. It's hard for me not to drink on the weekends and I have such a hard time with it esp. since my boyfriend doesn't stop me (a controlled drinker). I mean he sees me killing myself every weekend, yet says nothing! I'm dying inside and want to quit this weekend crud! All I seem to do is work my butt off all week and the weekend is a total blur and then I go to work again, feel guilty for 2 days, start feeling better and grab another bottle. The hardest part is the older I get the more in my shell I get which makes it tough for me to go to meetings (esp. since I just moved to a small town for the first time in my life and scared to see someone I might know, esp. work related) I have so much potential and I utilize that during the week, yet it just never gets past go to an instint since I kill myself every weekend. Please pray that I stay sober this weekend and that God puts someone in my path, beit aa or church that can help me get out of this rut and have esteem. Thanks for letting me share! (Oh, by the way, I drink for ANY REASON that will come my way) I hope I didn't break the rules by sharing off the topic.
Member: Roy S
Location:
Date: 6/1/00
Time: 11:17:57 PM
I pretty much drank whenever the mood suited me. Any reason at all would give me a reason to celebrate. Once I realized that my celebrations were costing me everything I had, I knew that I needed help. Pretty soon, I was finding more and more reasons not to drink, thanks to AA. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: JoAnn N.
Location: Northern CA.
Date: 6/2/00
Time: 12:02:27 AM
Hi, my name is JoAnn and I am an alcoholic. I drank to change the way I felt about myself and to numb out my body! And, here are some other reasons..it was too hot-cold...it was too busy-slow...it was the week-end or it was Mon-Fri...I was happy-sad...I fearful-brave...I had a relationship-didn't have...it was late-early...There you have most of my reasons. I took a drink, the drink took a drink then the drink took ME! That simple. I never stopped until I had enough! and, that ended in a hospital. I will have 5 years...the happiest of my life.. the life I could only dream of while I was drinking. Thank God for AA and my higher power. I am very GRATEFUL!!!!
Member: Tylene U.
Location: Defiance, Ohio
Date: 6/2/00
Time: 2:06:32 AM
Hi I'm Tylene and Alcoholic I drank so I could lose myself and not face reality. I have learned that facing it becomes much easier when I do what my sponsor tells me. I almost lost my life from drinking and the insanity of this disease. It started out as my friend and became my enemy. Working that first step was hard because I didn't want to lose control. Little did I realize that had already happened. I know that now I have to go to meetings and get phone numbers and talk to my sponsor and listen to you people or this cunning, powerful and baffaling disease will welcome me back with open arms. Dear Lost I got this in my thought for the Day Maybe this will help. Its from Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict: "When I focus on what's good today, I have a good day when I focus on the bad, I have a bad day. If I focus on a proble,m the problem increases; if I focus on the answer, the answer increases. If your bored go to some functions they go onall the time.Get active and do some service work. It depends on how bad you want to stay sober.
Member: HELPFULL ADVISE
Location: NEEDED IN OREGON
Date: 6/2/00
Time: 11:16:18 AM
THE MEDS DONT SEEM TO BE WORKING.IS IT POSSIBLE THAT AFTER 20 YEARS OF ABUSE,THAT I REALLY HAVE LOST MY MIND????I HAVE BEEN CLEAN NOW 3+months. BUT MY LIFE IS STILL A MESS. ANY SUGGESTIONS?????ANYONE????
STILL LOST IN OREGON
Member: Natalie R
Location:
Date: 6/2/00
Time: 11:33:21 AM
I know this is totally off the topic but I just wanted to share with someone that I reached 1 year sober yesterday.
Member: HELP PLEASE LOST
Location: STILL IN OREGON
Date: 6/2/00
Time: 12:13:21 PM
NATALIE R YOU CAN SHARE WITH US ANYTIME!!!!!!! I AM LISTENING!!!!
NOW,....CAN YOU GIVE ME SOME ADVISE??????
STILL LOST IN OREGON
Member: Lindy W
Location: Harrow, England
Date: 6/2/00
Time: 12:23:49 PM
I'm Lindy, an Alcoholic. As always, love the sharing on this site.
I drank because I hated myself. Hated myself because I did not have a clue about living. Felt so useless and afraid. Felt so bad and ashamed. Could not talk to anyone about it. I was so self-centred, proud and isolated.
Well, AA has taught me that I got it wrong. AA has taught me to alter my attitude. I now feel a lot of compassion for the person I was.
Today is good. Thank you for AA principles. Thank you to all sharers who have helped me understand my humanity.
Getting off the point - even after 6 years I still cannot get to grips with a "Loving God". I really have to keep it simple - there is something there, but I don't know what. Have to keep on working at it I guess.
Member: ChangedMan
Location: Pennsylvania
Date: 6/2/00
Time: 2:43:42 PM
Lindy,
I would suggest you read the Gospel of John in the Bible. Just read one chapter each day. Before you read ask God that if He is real and if He loves you to reveal Himself to you. Read all 21 chapters over 3 weeks and I hope you will come to the same conclusion I have. Be sincere in seeking Him. He eagerly awaits your sincere search. Give Him a chance.
Member: M.M.
Location:
Date: 6/2/00
Time: 11:00:17 PM
Is the meeting on now?
Member: .....
Location:
Date: 6/2/00
Time: 11:41:49 PM
((ChangedMan from Pennsylvania))....AA is not allied with sect, denomination, organization or institution....REMEMBER! Stop preaching your bible horse manuer here....Hey Lindy, the bible didn't get any of sober here....The Big Book and the 12 steps of Alcholics Anonomyous did....I would suggest you read that instead of the bible...If all it took was the bible then why the heck did the program of AA get started? Duh!
Member: Brenda W.
Location: SJB, CA
Date: 6/3/00
Time: 12:03:32 AM
Hi, I'm Brenda, alcoholic/addict. I drank because I liked the feeling. I used so I could drink more. 11 years clean & sober, haven't been to a meeting in a long time. I'm 37 and my dad has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness, less than a year left. I feel like I'm being robbed of 20 years with my dad. Been thinking about alcohol but know its not a solution. Glad you're all here. Any words of wisdom?
Member: dorothy h.
Location: Paradise-Victoria,b.c.
Date: 6/3/00
Time: 2:24:59 AM
first time to this on-line meeting. interesting! but it seems to me there was a lot of "I's" which has always been our problem, has it not? was glad to read all the new comers, that tells me there still has not been a new discovery out there to cure alcoholism since some power greater than myself led me to the doors of alcoholics anonymous jan 6/73. yes, i do tell my dry datenot to brag but to show that it can be done one 24 hours at a time for as long the desire to stop drinking lives on in me. to the new ones, keep coming so you don't have to come back after another research study. this alkie came to aa despairing and disgusted with herself and found the people and the answers to help me change my and my family's life. today i am a walking Big Book that others can read by my walk, by my talk, by my gratitude to AA and GOD as i understand Him/Her to be. peace and serenity to you all.
Member: bella b
Location: australia
Date: 6/3/00
Time: 8:13:52 AM
hello
my name is bella... i am new around here, i cant seem to find my way... i need help, my hands are shaking and i am lost inside
desperately seeking sobriety xox
Member: Michelle M
Location:
Date: 6/3/00
Time: 11:06:46 AM
Hello I'm new here and was wondering how this works
Member: Paul H
Location: Ireland
Date: 6/3/00
Time: 11:37:07 AM
Hi everybody, I drank to belong as I felt alone and isolated. I was shy and awkward in company and felt totally inadequate.Alcohol became the Great Remover as it took everything from me.Thanks to members and a program I feel confident in many,but not all situations.I am learning to accept myself as I am.Good Luck.Paul
Member: suzieG
Location: So. Cal., USA
Date: 6/3/00
Time: 2:18:33 PM
bella b - the phone no. of the AA General Office in Australia is 2-6631206 (do u need country code 61?) Call someone there, make a live contact - get help going to a meeting. There are also other web sites with Australian chat rooms, I don't know where you are, it's a big country, but try to find a meeting near you. I'm sure the General Office can help you. When I was shaking and not sure I would make it, I was told to take a bath. It sounded silly, hardly a cure for how badly I felt. But it worked. Not forever, but enough to get me by for awhile. Please let me know how you are doing and if you would like me to look for more websites. Hang on - you CAN do it!
michelle - you just made it work! just type in whatever you want to say and people will reply.
Member: chad v
Location: houston
Date: 6/3/00
Time: 3:49:31 PM
Hi my name is Chad. I am a alcoholic. I have been in rehab for the past three month. I am coming on 90 days. I really feel close to my higher power who is jesus christ. i believe my insane because ended up to be a good thing because it was the only thing that would have got me to get help and then finally gain a relationship with Jesus Christ like i had before i started college
Member: chris h.
Location: Florida
Date: 6/3/00
Time: 5:08:35 PM
Hi guys...chris here alcoholic/addict/bulimic----great meeting --didn't read all of the entries,but heard some good stuff...for me it is not why I Used but why I don't use. That is what I have to stay focused on. I had so many addicitions that I have to continue to remember what is keeping me in the program. If I don't, I will use one of them , even if it is just shopping. I cannot afford to "use" AT ALL BECAUse that will eventually lead to a drink. I am so up and down in my physical condition that it is easy for me to get depressed, and when I am depressed I will use! I need to focus on how far I have come and all the wonderful miracles that God has done for me, even if I feel like shit at the moment. I really have nothing to complain about, because he has given me so many answers to prayers. That is why I keep coming back to get my AA ( attitude adjustment!!) Love to you all!!
Member: Sean M.
Location: U.K
Date: 6/3/00
Time: 6:24:23 PM
Hi, I'm Sean an alcoholic. For you sad, all I can say is many sponsors ought not to be sponsors. I wonder how many sponsors kill their pigeons with bad advice. "your not ready to do the 3rd step yet, leave your relationship, take it slow, that meeting suck's don't go to it". At the end of the day, it's important to remember that each of us in A.A are essentially here because we were powerless over alcohol, but also we could not manage our own lives! Knowing that, those of us who are sponsors should not try to manage the lives of others, even if we are coming from a sincere place. "Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake" (Pg.449 B.B) I believe we each are provided lessons and opportunities for learning, and various people are placed in our paths to help guide us, not carry us. I honestly don't know what to offer for advise not knowing your situation. I believe if you pray on it and truely attempt to leave yourself open to the answers, you may know what to do. Be sure to check it out with someone who will not try to manage it for you! Good luck. As for my friend "Help please lost" in Oregon, I don't know much about the fellowship in Oregon or where in the state you are, As it says in our big book when we get to the fourth step, "Our liquor was but a sympthom. So we had to get down to cause's and conditions". If you can't find the help your asking for in the fellowship, there's no harm in talking to a professional who might help you for right now. I was seeing someone who was very valuable to me in a certain part of my recovery. We in A.A can love you as you travel your path, but thats not to say we have all the answers. God Bless all.
Member: Mike S
Location: IL
Date: 6/3/00
Time: 8:50:14 PM
I drank to kill physical pain from work and to be someone else. Even though I liked who and what I was, I was disallusioned with the way life works. I lost hope in the future, and wished only to fit in.
Member: CARIN
Location: CA
Date: 6/3/00
Time: 8:57:19 PM
TO SAD AND PISSED I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT JUST ENDED RECENTLY THAT I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF OVER BY DRINKING MYSELF TO DEATH. I REALLY LOVED THE MAN I WAS WITH TOO. I WOULD NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU WHO TO LOVE OR NOT LOVE. IF SHE TELLS YOU TOO LATE THEN MAYBE THE RELATIONSHIP WASN'T MEANT TO BE 6 MONTHS? I'M SUPER NEW TO AA BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER A NEW SPONSOR AND DON'T DRINK OVER A RELATIONSHIP, IT WON'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER. BEEN THERE DONE THAT.
Member: Donna
Location:
Date: 6/3/00
Time: 9:49:02 PM
Hello everyone. I'm Donnna and I'm an alcoholic. Denise, that's a good topic. I was always trying to understand why I drank and why so much. Why couldn't I just stop like social drinkers? Why did most times result in blackouts, car crashes, domestic fights and the like? Why did I drink? I drank because I chose to. It was a temporary escape to a permanent problem. I drank for ANY reason...happy, sad, depressed, angry, spite, fear, control...all the things you mentioned. I had no God in my life. I thought I did because I was raised in the Catholic Faith and went to Catholic school, but I never prayed and relied on God the way I learned to through AA. I was told by my sponsor and others in the program that drinking is no longer an option and do not connect anything to a drink. In the beginning this was so hard. I was told I had to fill the void with AA. I was so desperate, I really didn't think this could work for me. Now it's 8 years later and I'm so glad I waited for the miracle to happen. Just by following the suggestions---Get a sponsor, home group, service work, work the steps, understanding this is a we program and not a me program. Step four brought so much relief and freedom. Believe me, I don't want to sound as if I'm preaching. My life in sobriety definately has its ups and downs and I make my share of mistakes. However I thank God and AA for giving me a new set of glasses. To see the glass as half full and to have gratitude a lot of the time and more of a positive outlook on life. Being free from the compulsion to drink is such a miracle in itself. One day at a time. Thanks to all who posted. I have 4 small children and I can only get to 1 or 2 meetings a week. This site is definately a life saver.
Member: Carol S.
Location: New Jersey
Date: 6/4/00
Time: 7:40:51 AM
Good Morning! I'm Carol Alcoholic. Could I possably be first this morn? I know this is a touchy subject, but I would like to hear about how people ask for help from whoever, whatever their higher power is. For me I pray to the God of my understanding. Most requests are just help me accept where I'm at and show me the way. Sometimes it's help me get through the day if not even the hour. And alway it's help me stay sober for this day and this too can be broken down to the next minute if that's needed.
Have a good week everyone.
Member: Julie A
Location: Idaho
Date: 6/4/00
Time: 2:17:28 PM
My God. I'm new to this today. I'm terrified. I relate so much to so many of your comments. Great topic. I have to say I started drinking to escape, from fear of not being accepted, from anger, which I wasn't allowing myself to express, from trying to figure out who I was, and from life. I'm a super achiever, and pleaser, and I just wanted to escape and have a numb break. I never knew or accepted who I was. I didn't want to question and dig and find out who I was. I was sick of thinking, of emotions, of hating myself. So I drank. I had a friend at first, too, who drank along with me. I felt accepted, loved, for the first time. Of course, life moved on. I was drinking then just because I was an alcoholic. Escape was the best excuse, but I drank because I was an alcoholic. No more friend. I always drank alone for the most part, anyway. Only my husband or family saw me drunk. Lucky them. I was with them, and escaping being there at the same time. I feel that I am really starting over now, and all the stuff is still there to be dealt with. I wish I'd done it all those years ago, but I finally feel able to do it now. I finally have some idea that I'm OK, and I'm worth working hard on. I can give up and say I can't control my drinking, that it is a habit, and addiction. I can have emotions, and that's OK. I'm trying not to hate myself more for all the things I regret from drinking, because my gut reaction is to escape from those bad thoughts and feelings. Tricky thinking, eh? I "escaped" every night for half my life now. I'm barely starting out today, haven't even read the 12 Steps yet. I went to 2 AA meetings before, but I thank God for online meetings. I wouldn't be in a meeting if I had to go to a group. I drank because I'm an alcoholic. I'm quitting because I'm an alcoholic. I'm also quitting because of the picture of hope you all paint with your words. Thank you for being here, and sharing. Say a prayer for me, OK?
Member: Patricia C.
Location: New York City
Date: 6/4/00
Time: 3:32:55 PM
Hi everyone, I'm Patricia and I'm an alcoholic. I've been coming to AA now for about 16 years and have 10 years of continuous sobriety. Although I know at some point in my recovery it was important for me to know why I drank, today it's irrelevant. Why I don't drink is what I'd like to talk about. Today I don't drink because my life is beyond my wildest dreams. I have been given a gift from God and I am utterly greatful. I don't wake in the morning and wonder what I did last night, nor do I wonder who that is laying next to me. I don't live with constant shame and remorse for the things that I've done. There is no problem great or small that drinking would make better. Self pity has no place in my life. I try to remember that I am no less of an alcoholic today than I was when I first came in, and keep the steps in my life. As my first sponsor used to say "meeting makers make it!" and "it's easier to stay sober than it is to get sober!" I believe a greatful alcoholic will never get drunk, therefore, I work on my gratitude regularly. I hope I never forget that I'm an alcoholic and the only way to ensure that, is making meetings. I'm so greatful today and thank you all for listening (reading). p.