Member: Carol C.
Location: New Jersey
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 7:45:45 AM

Comments

Good Morning! I'm Carol Alcoholic. Yesterday my husband and I were driving in his new truck, bringing it home from the dealer when this woman in a Mercedes cut not just him but another driver off. As we followed she was all over the road. Brought me right back to all the times we both drove drunk. I'm sure my feelings of fright and then anger were what other people felt about us. I quess what I'm feeling today is graditude. That it was't me behind that wheel and never has to be again as long as I follow the program and keep my memory green.

Maybe remembering where we came from could be the topic this week. Noone ever has to go there again if they follow the suggestions of this program. Basics are 90 meetings in 90 days. Get a sponsor and get involved and pick up the phone! I need to remember basics at times and I've been here 10 years.

Have a great sober week everyone!


Member: Robert
Location: Canada
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 8:36:51 AM

Comments

Good topic,if I forget(and I don't want to)where I was on my last drinking days then Im doomed to repeat them,or worse.I don't know if I could recover again.


Member: sonia and cat
Location: uk
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 9:20:49 AM

Comments

Hello world

Where was I. I lived in a fantasy world of princes and princesses wher i was waiting for every one to rescue me, and when they didnt (couldnt because i was unable to listen)i go pissed. I was forever searching and chasing and running. But never found whati was looking for because i didnt know what i was looking for. When i couldnt find it, i found it in the bottle, that elusive feeling of being whole and satisified. Lasted all of an hour or two, Then obliuvion and remorse and guilt and lonliness.

The nights i spent alone with my bottle of wine pretending i was grown woman just relaxing. When i think back to anytime before the last year all I can see is emptyness.

I dont feel empty anymore, I dont search, and i am happy to be me. I am grateful for that. Who would of thought that by getting rid of what i thought was my only friend (alcohol), i would find so many friends, and I would find me. I still miss it from time to time, but thats ok, so long as I remember that it eventually took away, and stopped giving.

Thanks for the topic.

me.sonia@ntlworld.com


Member: Donnie M (DOS 3-1-99)
Location: W.Va.
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 9:48:05 AM

Comments

Hi, to all I`m Donnie and I`m a alcoholic.Great topic Carol you hit it right on the head, because that was how my last sunday ended. I was driving home and this guy start`s to turn off the road in front of me. I was in the passing lane and he turn`s my way instead of the way he had signaled, so needless to say my truck is totaled. Then this *SSHOLE leave`s the scene, so I`m waiting for the police report. I`m fine, but it made me think if this would have been two year`s ago. I would been in jail instead here at home, because at six in the evening of any day back then I would have been drunk and by the grace of God I`m here today still stiff but alive, so there is another gift this program has given me. I may not have a truck but I have life. I have to admit I had trouble praying for this guy that night, but I have hoped he wasn`t hurt and it is another part of my growing up, so my graditude for for life is very important today and I so thankful for all I have and will ever have, so thank`s for letting me vent and share. GOD BLESS TO ALL.


Member: Mike L.
Location: NW Iowa, USA
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 10:40:58 AM

Comments

Good topic CAROL, thanks!

If I have a "twinge" to go back to being an active alky, I have only to remember the last 6 months or so of my bad old days...

I had resigned from my corporate position in March of 98(I had a choice of that or being fired for insubordination - Go figure) and moved back to where I had spent my college years - Trying to get back to when life was "fun", I suppose.

Had money saved up, found a nice apartment, and drank lots...Tried holding a job as a truck driver and general flunkie on a farm, but was asked to leave after a week - The guy must have worried about his insurance...

Decided to do nothing and accomplished that. How could a nice guy like me have come to this? I wondered...Got a DUI while carrying a concealed weapon in a blackout, but that was "normal", right? Came to in a cell on the day after my birthday in June.

Life finally completely imploded by November of that year...New Jeep Cherokee reposessed, I showed up at my parent's house in a $400 piece of junk that barely made it up the driveway. We eventually got to talking about my drinking...

I went cold turkey and paid the piper for that bit of arrogance. 4 days later after no sleep, I was hallucinating and completely insane. The doctors told my Dad I had a 50/50 shot at living through the night - If I made it, they would start with the Psych ward and maybe on to CD treatment.

I made it to treatment, thank God...And have still not drank since that November with the help of AA and something I do not understand completely called simply "God" for lack of originality on my part.

Sorry this is so long...I really felt all that again just typing it out.

Peace, Mike L.


Member: Toni
Location: Chicago
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 11:01:20 AM

Comments

Hi Toni alcoholic graditude great topic, i haven't had much of it lately probably because i haven't been to a meeting in so long, Carol your topic has awakened me to why my wife wants to leave me i don't apreciate her . i should be so grateful for being blessed with someone that continued loving me even when i was at my worst,But i've allowed all the old behaviors to resurface and that is because alcoholics have short memories forgetting where i came from not going to meetings forgeting how far i have come forgetting to hit my knees in the morning and at night no big book ,it's a miracle i haven't drank! God works in my life when i ask him for help but i'm back to me, me, me, again well thank God for you people again i am truly grateful for this program! Thanks and i need to keep coming back!!!


Member: anna
Location:
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 12:04:15 PM

Comments

Hi, Im Anna an alcholic. Thanks guy's for being here and for the topic. This is one of my living the aa sober life tool's, that is I keep my memory green and try never to forget my last drunk, which brought me to my knees; yes when that drink starts to look attractive and glamorous I think of how I ended up. The morning after was not fun or glamorous at all; without taking a bath and maybe with people just like me , you know misery loves company. But aa saved my life and still does since I cannot make a meeting I have you all; I resently had a baby and have not been able to make a meeting, which I desperately needed.

Thanks again for being here and I'll keep coming back.


Member: Denise B
Location: Missouri
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 12:53:31 PM

Comments

Hi, I'm Denise, a most gratefully recovering alcoholic/addict.

I'm reminded everyday of just how precious life is - and how quickly it can be lost.

My 1st husband couldn't drink anymore - so we substituted for years. After divorce - became involved in triangle - Me, A Man (good body/handsome/alcoholic), and Jack Daniels. Without Jack I know it wouldn't have happened. With Jack I have no fear.

I hadn't been drinking for years. I could handle it. So it started out with sips - yes, sips, of beer. After two weeks there I was again with the bottle of vodka in my hand. Remembering where I had been and afraid of where I could be going.

After he violated probation for STEALING TWO BOTTLES OF BOOZE from store, he was sent to prison! 2 bottles of booze = prison! How insane. Prison time was less than the waiting period for alcohol rehab in Chicago - so he took that. He was out twice. One time coming out in the am - and going back by the pm. He died in prison.

I am so lucky to be able to call this man my friend. You see at first we didn't know - and thank God he WAS MY FRIEND - or maybe he wouldn't have told me he had AIDS. But somehow, by the grace of God, it wasn't me! We continued to communicate and even saw each other when he was out - but I thank God everyday for that friendship. We became spiritual friends and closer to God in the process - we needed to - God wanted us to. We spent countless hours talking about the inevitable. A spiritual awakening for both of us for sure. And I thank God everyday for this gift of life he has given me - for a second time.

Yes, I remember where I've been. And now I know where I'm going.

A second chance is a glorious gift - and I will not waste it! I thank Him each and every day for it. And am glad to be able to.

And glad to be able to share this with you - cuz it could be anyone of us.

Love you all.


Member: jill h
Location: ny
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 12:59:56 PM

Comments

jill alcoholic 6-9-88 is my birthday i must never shut the door on my past it has saved my life!!


Member: Fred s
Location: wyandotte  mi
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 1:29:26 PM

Comments

Hi i am a fred Alcoholic . befor A A I lived in fantasy world. found it in the bottle end in obivion and remorse and guilt and lonliness . A A has open a door . to hope i am to thank to A A idont feel empty anymore . i am still grwing up. by the grace of GOD.i am here to day in A A Program help me keep sober to day. THANK YOU


Member: Fred s
Location: wyandotte  mi
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 1:30:14 PM

Comments

Hi i am a fred Alcoholic . befor A A I lived in fantasy world. found it in the bottle end in obivion and remorse and guilt and lonliness . A A has open a door . to hope i am to thank to A A idont feel empty anymore . i am still grwing up. by the grace of GOD.i am here to day in A A Program help me keep sober to day. THANK YOU


Member: Tim
Location:
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 1:31:45 PM

Comments

Hello everyone,

I'm Tim, a grateful recovering alcoholic. My DOS is June 9th of last year, so I'm looking forward to getting my one year chip next month, one day at a time. That date was also my tenth wedding anniversary. So, what wonderful things did I have planned with my wife when I got home from work? My plan was to go straight from work to my favorite bar and get smashed. The hell with my wife and our marriage and kids. And that's exactly where it would have all gone if my boss had not called me in that day and told me about complaints he'd been getting about me. He knew about the other job I'd lost the year before, and I could tell that this one was in jeopardy now, too. That was when I "hit bottom", and thank God I did! I don't ever want to forget what alcohol did to myself and my family. Thanks for letting me share. It's great to be here!


Member: MaryB.
Location: Germany
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 2:19:56 PM

Comments

Hi all.I'm Mary a hopefully recovering alcoholic. This topic is very important to me as well, forI am a physicalmess. I have only recently come to the programme as I have severe pancreatic problems.Some people(10%) die automatically from this. I cant tell if I was lucky enough to survive (as it is VERY painful) or lucky enough to hopefully recover.Where I was was a hell of a place.I ignored my husband, daughter, friends (if I have anymore) ad infinitum... I would swear not to touch a drop in the a.m. only to find myself pissed in the evening. Some willpower,eh?? So Ive turned life over to the big HP and hopefully I will have my good health back and my sobriety as well. Thanks for listening!


Member: Jim
Location: Republi of the Marshall Islands
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 3:48:43 PM

Comments

Hi all, Jim B here happy to know I'm alcoholic and grateful to be here clean and sober. Thanks for the great topic and shares! I haven't thought about my last drink in awhile but I agree its important to keep our bottom green. My last drunk entailed fishing some left over chicken scraps out of the KFC dumpster because I had no money as I was unemployable and in the midst of another of my "hair of the dog" binges. I had a little room with a common bath and kitchen in a run down flop house apt. All my neighbors would flee into they're rooms when they saw me coming cause I had borrowed money from everyone of them and bummed whatever they had to get high on. I routinely stold they're food from they're refrigerators and burglarized they're rooms for chump change when they were out. Finaly I ended up homeless because I spent the rent money getting drunk. A while back I went and took a picture of the place that I used to sleep at when I was homeless. I look at it sometimes to remind myself where I came from. I remember getting rousted by the cops in the middle of the night there and trying to rationalize how it was I had come to be sleeping there. I remember the cops calling in my description to see if I had any warrants etc. and the dispatcher coming back sayin I had like 13 priors or something. How could any let alone all of this stuff happen to such a nice guy like me? This was a turning point for me as I had been to a residental treatment program a year prior to this and didn't quite make one year sober before I returned to my prior insanity. So here I was homeless and hopeless unemployed and unemployable. Even the day labor office had asked me not to come back! I had no where to turn to. Everything I owned I had in a glad garbage bag stashed in some bushes. I went to the only house left on the block, A.A. I started going to meetings and I would pick up old Grapevine mags to read at night while I tried to sleep there on the streets. I would get rides home from meetings and would get out at an intersection and walk from there since I had no real address. It was very hard to pull myself up from these depths I did not have a lot of support and every excuse to get drunk but I kept going to meetings putting one foot in front of the other. Happy to say it has been 11 years since those days and I have been gainfully employed the whole time. I have not had to spend a night in jail or eat out of a dipsy dumpster. I haven't missed a rent payment or borrowed money from nieghbors. I still can't walk on water and my alcoholism dogs my every step but I have come to "know a new freedom and happiness" and am gratful to be sober today. Thanks for 12 stepping me.


Member: Jim
Location: Marshall Islands
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 3:51:11 PM

Comments

Hi all, Jim B here happy to know I'm alcoholic and grateful to be here clean and sober. Thanks for the great topic and shares! I haven't thought about my last drink in awhile but I agree its important to keep our bottom green. My last drunk entailed fishing some left over chicken scraps out of the KFC dumpster because I had no money as I was unemployable and in the midst of another of my "hair of the dog" binges. I had a little room with a common bath and kitchen in a run down flop house apt. All my neighbors would flee into they're rooms when they saw me coming cause I had borrowed money from everyone of them and bummed whatever they had to get high on. I routinely stold they're food from they're refrigerators and burglarized they're rooms for chump change when they were out. Finaly I ended up homeless because I spent the rent money getting drunk. A while back I went and took a picture of the place that I used to sleep at when I was homeless. I look at it sometimes to remind myself where I came from. I remember getting rousted by the cops in the middle of the night there and trying to rationalize how it was I had come to be sleeping there. I remember the cops calling in my description to see if I had any warrants etc. and the dispatcher coming back sayin I had like 13 priors or something. How could any let alone all of this stuff happen to such a nice guy like me? This was a turning point for me as I had been to a residental treatment program a year prior to this and didn't quite make one year sober before I returned to my prior insanity. So here I was homeless and hopeless unemployed and unemployable. Even the day labor office had asked me not to come back! I had no where to turn to. Everything I owned I had in a glad garbage bag stashed in some bushes. I went to the only house left on the block, A.A. I started going to meetings and I would pick up old Grapevine mags to read at night while I tried to sleep there on the streets. I would get rides home from meetings and would get out at an intersection and walk from there since I had no real address. It was very hard to pull myself up from these depths I did not have a lot of support and every excuse to get drunk but I kept going to meetings putting one foot in front of the other. Happy to say it has been 11 years since those days and I have been gainfully employed the whole time. I have not had to spend a night in jail or eat out of a dipsy dumpster. I haven't missed a rent payment or borrowed money from nieghbors. I still can't walk on water and my alcoholism dogs my every step but I have come to "know a new freedom and happiness" and am gratful to be sober today. Thanks for 12 stepping me.


Member: Maureen
Location: Oregon
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 6:05:15 PM

Comments

My last drunk was 6 days ago---no long ago to remember. I find it amazing I can remember so many things now. Like what time I went to bed,what I said, what I listened to,what I read, what touched my heart,what a beautiful day it has been. I remember all these things. I hope I never forget how unclear everything was when I was drinking the past couple decades. Thank God for all of you!


Member: Michael B.
Location: AZ
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 7:28:14 PM

Comments

Hi! My name is Michael, and I am a recovering alocholic and addict, sober today only by the Grace of God and the Fellowship. Welcome newcomers! Thanks for the sincere shares!

One of the best stimulants for "remembering where I came from" for me was chairing or attending treatment facilities meetings. In fact, I would recommend it to any AA.


Member: Mitzi P.
Location: Delaware
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 8:14:05 PM

Comments

Hi, everyone. I'm Mitzi, alcoholic. THe topic is good for me. I guess my job as D&A counselor keeps it pretty green for me. However, helping others reach sobriety (or trying to) is not the same as my own recovery. I need to keep these areas separate. Thanks for listening.


Member: Clara A.
Location: FL.
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 8:22:16 PM

Comments

Hello, Clara, recovering ahlolic, gratitude is at the top of the list always, for my soberity, for my higher power, the wonderful people in the program who said "trun it over, a day at a time, until I could stand on my own, I could go on and on about gratitude,and my higher power whom I chose to call God. Thanks


Member: Harry K.
Location: U.K
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 8:45:30 PM

Comments

Good topic Carol Thanks! I'm Harry, an alcoholic. I really don't remember much of what it was like. I don't see how any real drunk can. My perception of "what it was like" is crap. It a product of an alcoholic haze that didn't want the sunlight of truth to enter.

What I do remember is how I felt. The lonliness and resignation. The not wanting to live but not dying fast enough and to arrogant to comit suicide.

I remember feeling that I walked around in a body that was slowly dying, carrying around a head that no longer worked. I can remember the rejection I felt after my wife of 15 years left and wouldn't take my phone calls. I remmember having a skill but no longer the reputation that would provide me with yet another shot of employment. I remember having a telephone that never rang, an answering machine that never lit up and a flat so dark it was growing mold! And to think, I was living in Florida at the time.

I no longer want to die, and I am particularly adverse to going through life in a state of living death.

I no longer feel the isolation and defeat that I did 8 years ago. And I don't ever want to feel it again. My ex wife never did come back, but God introduced me to my present one. She's never seen me take a drink and she likes that. So do I.

whenever I feel down and depressed, I remember how I felt on the morning of May 23rd 1993. I begin to feel better. When I feel like I'm not doing "good enough", I remember back then and relize that if nothing else, I can say I'm still sober.

My mind has a very clever way of altering my memory with regards to my alcoholic past. It tells me "it wasn't all that bad". I can fall victim to that lie. But my mind has a much harder time altering the pain I felt in my heart, The first step of the old Oxford group had only two words...."complete deflation". Thats where I was and how I remember it, the thought of drinking cant erase that memory. This Thursday, if I keep centered in my recovery, I'll have 8 years of sobriety. I owe allot of that to the memory of how I felt as I stood at the turning point the day before, and "asked his protection and care with complete abandonment". Thank you for letting me type!


Member: Tim H (2-13-88)
Location: USS GARY at sea somewhere South of Equator and West of International Dateline
Date: 5/20/01
Time: 9:06:28 PM

Comments

I'm an alcoholic and my name's Tim. I'm sober by the Grace of God and rooms like this.

I was a member of the rusty zipper, yellow tennis shoe brigade when I was drinking. I have absolutely no desire to return to that life.

I drank alone most of the time. My normal day would be a beer as soon as I got off work, then drinking until I passed out. The only days I didn't drink were the days I had duty and was on call for a 24 hour period, or when the ship was at sea.

During those times I would plan my next drink. As long as I KNEW that there was alcohol waiting for me in the next liberty port, I could maintain.

Though my drinking career was relatively short, I have no wish to return to the pain, shame, degradation, and humiliation I felt on a daily basis.

"We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free." Tim


Member: Anon S
Location:
Date: 5/21/01
Time: 12:52:42 AM

Comments

Hi! it's great that this chat is here. Being a single parent, it's been very hard to get to meetings more than once a week as it's difficult to take my child with me. However, life IS usually difficult..it always has been; even before i had a child. Only difference is TODAY I HAVE CHOICES... I CAN ASK FOR HELP TODAY. I ACTUALLY REALIZE AND ADMIT I HAVE A PROBLEM AND THE PROBLEM IS ME & MY THINKING. Thank God for that awareness. I was thinking back to when i was a teenager and how morbid and crazy my thinking was. how did i change from an acheiver and people pleaser to an antisocial theif and pot head who could only think if i could sneak LSD into my parents systems, everything would be great and if everyone just left me alone i wouldn't have any problems. Thank you everyone in AA for accepting me and giving me a place to go when i was crazy and at my one of my sickest.


Member: Gary B.
Location: Akron, OH
Date: 5/21/01
Time: 9:10:47 AM

Comments

It took some time to understand "not forgetting my past, yet not dwelling on it". I spoke at a meeting this past Friday in the basement of the Church that I attended Sunday School 30 years ago. Brought back a lot of memories & how I had walked away from it. I wanted to live MY way. My way was a disaster. Working with my sponsees & newcomers is my best Tool for never forgetting the results of living my life My way. Having God direct & guide me is how I don't return to it. Thanks Carol for the Topic Thanks AA for teaching me how to live.


Member: AnilG
Location: Mt Vernon,IL
Date: 5/21/01
Time: 9:21:01 AM

Comments

I am an alcoholic I am thankful to AA and its members for sharing strength hope and experiance. I am grateful to my HP for giving me another chance in my life to prove that yes there is a promise of rewards for staying sober.I dont think I could have been possible without there suport.


Member: Ann Marie L.
Location: San Sebastian, Spain
Date: 5/21/01
Time: 10:35:01 AM

Comments

Hello, My name is Ann Marie and I am an alcoholic. It feels good to be able to say those words, that I am an alcoholic today. Gratitude is a good topic for me, because i seem to have very little of it, right now. I am experiencing a great oppourtunity that is a gift of sobriety, yet seem, to be caught up in my head and my stinking thinking and am having a hard time keeping my situation in perspective. I am away from home, out of my comfort zone, and in a foreign country for the first time in my life, without any english speaking meetings to get to and help keep me sane. I am having a very difficult taking this trip one day at a time, and know that is the only way it can possibly be done. I had an amaizing weekend in the company of other sober alcoholics as I went to Barcelona to get to an English speaking meeting, with another alcoholic. It was wondeful and a blessing to be sober. and I was reminded over this weekend the hell of my old life. It really was complete hell, and to remember where I was and where I am now helps me to remember that i can in no way imagine going back to that way of life. It is so weird and still shocks me how drinks can look appealing, especially here in Spain where the liquor is flowing, and at times it has began to look good, but remembering where that first drink will take me, makes me realize that no matter what i am going through, *this to shall pass* (that is a great slogan, one of my favorits, they are all my favorites!), because it helps me to keep my balance as the good times too shall pass. I am trying to remeber that all things are impermanent and remember that each moment is a gift * the perfect present* thanks for letting me share, thanks to my HP, and for helping me stay sober!


Member: Gabe
Location: SA
Date: 5/21/01
Time: 12:10:30 PM

Comments

Where I came from, I do not want to return, and by the grace of my HP, I can live better, a day at a time. I've had the opportunity again to find how precious life really is, and how fleeting is our moment on this planet. When we start to loose our friends and family it becomes quite obvious that the once "big issues" in life are not so big, and what counts are friends (the few and true) and family. At least that's how it is for me. Those who don't add to my life or just take from it are just shadows on the landscape of life. AA is my family, and I have lost many members of my family, but I have not forgotten their gift to me. One thing I can say about surviving, a day at a time, against this disease, is that every day does count, and every person along the way who shares their ES&H with others are remembered, and for them, I am greatful.

.. Best wishes to wherever you are my friend!


Member: sheila k
Location: wi
Date: 5/21/01
Time: 2:54:20 PM

Comments

Hi, I was in recovery once before, but went back out to check out the "research department" i have been sober for 2 days now. I live in a small community and the nearest meeting is miles away and I went there last night with bib book in my hand and no one was there. So I did alot of reading last night and am going to another city tonight for a meeting. I remember the first time I got sober and how great it felt.It was a high I never had before experienced. I got complacent and thought I had all the answers but I didn't. Now, one day a time is how I need to live. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. The insanity of the drinking is scaring me all to much. Thank You


Member: Lisa
Location: MA
Date: 5/21/01
Time: 6:00:30 PM

Comments

Hi everyone, Lisa/alcoholic

Thanks for a great topic and great posts. Just reading them has helped me today. I have 13 months and I have to admit that lately the seduction has been trying to get to me. Good to hear the reinforcement. My last drunk was a year ago April and I was an ugly bitch on wheels. Once I as a cute thing soaking up the attention in the bar, then I just became that annoying woman who sat alone and scared off everyone near because she wouldn't stop telling them how to live their lives. I was a messed up irl who though she was a "with it" woman. I was also SO sanctimonious! I was broke, driving drunk and starting to slip at the job. When I started watching the clock at nine in the morning counting the hours until I could drink, I was very very scared. If I've done anything to "be proud of", it's that I've been taking this recovery one day at a time and it works! PRAISE GOD!!!!!


Member: William.A.
Location: High-Point
Date: 5/21/01
Time: 6:35:59 PM

Comments

William.A.Alkie.

Hello, again I must say this is a really good topic,maybe I can even say it is a great topic. I believe that so many of us often forget where we came from ,some even go to meeting's and attend them on a some what regular basic and havent even a passing idea that we have forgotten where they came from. They some times sponsor other people and tell or give them good advise about how they should run thier lives, about how they should take what GOD has sspoken to them about ,about when they should attend Bible-study ,regular A/A.meetings,who they should listen to and who has true soberiety and who is just dry. Yes some of us ofteen forget that,it may take the same stuff to remain sober as it took to get sober.Remember ,it says never for get from where your help comes from,money, cars,furs,gold and church are all good things,I beleive that people like us must all ways remember that now we laugh--but do not forget we onced cried.

I would like to leave everyone with this thougt Trust God ,Help others and clear away the weck- age of our past.


Member: BethB
Location: New England
Date: 5/21/01
Time: 6:56:50 PM

Comments

Hi, this is BethB, pretty clearly an alcoholic. I've been drinking for the past 4 years, with 2 years sobriety prior. I've functioned, but the functioning is decreasing as my drinking increases. It's time to face the music. I"m grateful this group is here.


Member: qqw
Location: qww
Date: 5/21/01
Time: 7:26:22 PM

Comments

qwert


Member: JASON M
Location: AUBURN IN
Date: 5/21/01
Time: 8:29:16 PM

Comments

HI JASON HERE I CAME FROM A HOLE THAT WAS GETTING REALY DEEP. AND NOW 1 YEAR LATE I FIND MYSELF LOOKING BACK. I SEE BAD TIMES GOOD TIMES AND TIME I DONT KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING. IT WOULD BE A LONG STORY THAT WOULD NEVER SELL. SO I TEND TO FORGET ABOUT IT. I THINK IT GOOD TO BRING IT UP BUT LIKE IT JUST WERE ITS AT IN THE PAST. THANKS FOR BING HERE TALK TO YOU NEXT WEEK .


Member: Jackie P.
Location: Maryland
Date: 5/21/01
Time: 9:45:56 PM

Comments

Anna, I would recognize you any day of the week my friend. Hi I am Jackie and I am an alcoholic. Not grateful yet, but getting there. Went to a good meeting tonight at the Alano, remembering is a good topic because sometimes when I forget how sloppy I was, I fantasize about how glamorous drinking was, the beautiful "cosmopolitans" or "dirty martinis", the fun bars, the beach, the baseball game, the vacations but when I go to a meeting or speak to my sponsor I am reminded that I drank pretty much alone, I blacked out so didn't remember how beautiful the beach was. I will keep coming back.


Member: Jan S
Location: Central Idaho
Date: 5/21/01
Time: 11:34:08 PM

Comments

Hi, my name is Jan and I am an alcoholic! I can not forget where I am coming from as it was only last night. I want to be and stay sober and recognize that I can not do it on my own. I live in a very small farming community with no close meetings so I thought I would see what I could find out here in cyber space.Thanks to all of you who have posted and shared on this discusson board. I can relate to a lot of the things (driving drunk, sloppy drunk, people shying away from me when I am drinking etc. etc.)I want and need to GET AND STAY SOBER This is my first baby step and one day at a time with the help and love my higher power (God as I know him)just maybe there is hope for me too.


Member: felipe h
Location: san diego
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 1:08:18 AM

Comments

hi everybody, my name is felipe, i'm an alcoholic, my second time on line and 8 days without drinking, i can't forget where i'm coming from either, it is so close and i don't want to go back, tnak you for sharing, really helps


Member: Jeff B.
Location: Northern CA
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 1:17:03 AM

Comments

Hi my name is Jeff and I am an alcoholic. I was a mess in August of 97. I was comming off a 3 day drunk that started on a Thursday with leaving work early to play golf - and ended on a Sunday. I was scared and decided to give AA another try because it had kept me sober for a year and a half. I rememered my sobriety fondly and I could not remember why I started drinking again for 5 years.

Before some power greater than me helped me to remember that I was an alcholic. I was drinking and working and vice versa. I was an accident looking for a place to happen. I would go out with good intentions to drink like a normal person and end up blacked out, bruised, and with credit card reciepts from places I could not remember. I remembered driving fast with the radio loud down streets and hitting on chicks and sometimes getting cut off at the bar and having to drink coffee. It had started to seem normal.

I went to a speaker meeting and won a big book. I started reading it and talking to people about AA after the meetings. I found a sponsor and a home group and have been taking steps. I have not had to drink thanks to AA and God. Some beautiful things happened. Sometimes I am comfortable even when things aren't perfect. I have seen people I care about stay sober and grow ....I have moved to places that are amazing because of my job and now I am trying to make one place my home. Whatever God has in store for me is way better than I could have planned. I try to relax and enjoy ... I try to do my part...it is still new ..I like it.

Thanks for the topic and thanks to everyone here.


Member: Bob S.
Location: Salt Lake
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 1:53:38 AM

Comments

"Maybe remembering where we came from could be the topic this week." Thanks Carol..good lead. I'm Bob, an alcoholic. One of my last grusome memories is feeling the desparate difference between who and what I had become, and what I could see was going on around me. Being physically in the middle of a wealth of possible help and support and not being able to make contact. My world had become very small. The only thing that existed outside me was alcohol...and I tried to prevent its existence "out there". But it was consuming more of me than I was of it. I had so totally lost myself and contact with the rest of the world. I have no idea how G~d found his way into giving me back my life. It's the biggest miracle I've ever expereienced. It is like surrendering at a time when I wasn't able to use any will to do so, which is the only explanation I have. To have the burnt-out light rekindled in my soul has been truly inspiring. It is beyond my knowing, like so many other things. And it is part of the story of "where I came from". G~d arrived on the scene of my "near-death" experience, in the form of people...who were capable of caring for me when I wasn't. And that's the way it's been since. The more I get outside myself, the more room there is in me for others...and that's what's important...that is all that is important. Period!


Member: Ed G,
Location: Bryan
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 6:43:07 AM

Comments

HI I am Ed an alcoholic. I remember the days of not knowning what I did and who I hurt. Those days are gone, thanks to AA. I am now sober and very aware of what I do and say for this I am very gratefull. Keep taking one day at a time.


Member: Robert
Location: Canada
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 7:01:11 AM

Comments

Waking up in the chair wet from pissing myself,or waking up on a floor in a room I don't recognize,dry heaves,hungry but can't eat a bite because of the stomach wanting to turn itself inside out,foggy memories of some kind of trouble last night,or was it last week,or did it really happen,waking up at 4am and finding nothing to drink and having to wait till 10 till the liqour store opens,then being refused service after finally making it till ten because of the look and smell of me,having people always looking at me with deep distrust at work while Im just trying to get through another day till I can get off and drink,thinking constantly of drinking but no longer really wanting to talk about it because of the shame,trying to drive without swerving so a cop doesn't stop me,dreading those horrible red and blue lights in the mirror,geting fired again,waking up in jail,another DUI,fuck,but at least I didn't kill anyone,having cops look at me like Im the scum of the earth,sitting alone in my apartment with my TV and booze,keeping the curtains pulled closed to keep out that awfull sunlight,scared because the phone rings,got to be bad news,thinking about all the blown relationships and not seeing my kids,hurts so bad I just gotta have another stiff drink,bills I can't pay,where to hell did I spend all that money,wondering if what this rerson is telling me I did really happened,being told Im NOT welcome back,the terrible hurt and pain in the eyes of parents and children,beautiful day,love to ride my beautiful motorcycle but can't, to drunk still,better have a few more and try to get some sleep,pisses me off when I see someone happy,wondering what I possably could eat that will stay down cause I know I have to eat soon,its been days,coming off the booze,horrible nightmares,cramps,gagging and throwing up,nothing to throw up,should I go back to de-tox,is this the time its really going to kill me,ending up in hospital again,DTs,pancreitis,being in such utter despair,horrible depression,thinking how much easier it all would be if I could just get up the guts to stick that shotgun in my mouth.

Enough.I have to do that once in awhile,and I thank you all for being here to listen.Im extremly happy now,have a wonderful family and girlfreind,many interests,can't seem to find enough hours in these great sober days.I never,ever want to go back to all that"fun" I was having drinking.I can't believe how good life is,and to think I didn't want it anymore.I have you all,any others like you,my family who never completely gave up on me,my HP who must have thought I was worth saving,and the wonderful,and I mean it in every sense of the word,AA program. If you still suffer,or can relate to what I wrote above,then you can have a good life to.How?Ill tell you. 1.Get yourself de-toxed,you may,{and probaly should have medical attention}. 2.Get yourself to a AA meeting and make plans to keep coming every single day at least for awhile,remember,this is recovery,were not fooling around. 3.Get a copy of the Big Book,and read it,the first eleven chapters especially,over many times. Its simple,but not easy. But it works.


Member: Howard H
Location: Here
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 9:09:24 AM

Comments

Hi. I'm Howard, and I'm an alcoholic. Remembering what it was like is vital to my sobriety. Yet, the longer I am sober the harder it is. It is easy to remember all the fun things about drinking, but the bad things seem to fade away.

This is the reason why attending meetings is so important for me even after 17 years of sobriety. I need to hear newcomers and people returning from relapses to tell me what it is still like out there, and to let me see what I could be like if I forget.

howardhe@aol.com


Member: Mark Dr.D
Location: NH
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 10:05:45 AM

Comments

I just came back from a 2 day business trip. In the past this annual trade show was my Drunk/stonedamania event. This year I was sober, though that little voice tried did try to tempt me. As I stayed sober I wondered HOW I could have done it in the past. The ENERGY it took to get screwed up/hide it/and function!! I had all I could do to get through. The highlight of my indulgence was ordering room service and taking a long bath.

The other factor is that when I called the office yesterday I found out that there had been 31 people cut from our company of 300. This is a family run company that has never had to resort to cuts in 50 years of operation. I can only wonder what my addled mind would have made of that news had I been drunk. The possibilities of what I might have done with little to no impulse control in that situation --- the list most likely would have grown to 32.


Member: Dan M.
Location: Washington, State
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 10:18:51 AM

Comments

Hello Relatives, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." I believe my past to be one of my greatest assets,it keeps me coming back. [ That and those seeing eye newcomers] I love this fellowship it gives much to strive for, there realy was no fellowship on those barstools now was there? Hey, have a happy day everyone! Dan M.


Member: tony g
Location: ma
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 11:26:14 AM

Comments

my drinking past was awfull to put it in a word.as soon as i would come to ,i would piece together what i did,then i would be thinking of the time i would be having my first drink again,i was obsessed with it.after work i would drink till the bars closed,sleep all day,get up one hr before work and repeat that.for years and years.but if you asked me how it was going i would say everything was fine.inside i was crying all the time.....i couldn't drive because i lost that privilage,i took trains and buses,from bar to bar or had my family transport me from event to event always getting drunk everywhere i went......today it's about staying sober,i love being sober,i go to aa and it teaches me how to stay stopped,today i have a life that i enjoy and it's 100% booze free.the promises keep coming true....te list of good things from being sober far out reaches the list from being drunk......thanks for being here,i'm tony an alcoholic


Member: Kate H.
Location: Troy, NY
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 12:42:04 PM

Comments

Hi, gang. My name is Kate and I'm an alcoholic. A little over two years ago, I was sitting in my living room at 2AM, leaking all over the place...you couldn't call it crying any more because crying gives you an emotional release and there was none of that left for me. The booze that had made it "possible" for me to continue to function in a world that was filled with pain and fear had finally stopped doing its job. The numbness was gone and the only thing I could feel at all was pain. I was in a place where I would go to work and count the hours/minutes until I could drink then start up as soon as humanly possible and still fool myself into thinking I had done a day's work. Then it was a race to see how long it would take for me to pass out...sleep and it's healing was a thing of the past as well. I've got a lot of "not yets" still out there but this was the bottom that got me into the rooms. I know what emotional hell feels like and I never want to go back there. I'm feeling like I'm in "purgatory" now...the place where you work off the bad parts of your soul. I feel things for real now. Often, it hurts as much or more than I thought it did back then but now I know that they are feelings and not facts and that they will pass as long as I don't pick up a drink. It's hard work, this feeling stuff but the rewards are worth it. You get to feel the good stuff, too...and remember it. I'll keep comin' back and I hope you all will, too. ((((ALL)))))


Member: gail m.
Location: pensacola, fl
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 3:53:53 PM

Comments

Hi everyone. My name is Gail and I'm an alcoholic "of the real variety". Two years ago I got a DUI, went to jail, cut my wrists and was involuntarily commited to a psych hospital. This was during a relapse after 12 years of soberiety. I hope to never forget the incomprehensible demoralization of this experience. Through the grace of God and with AA I will celebrate 2 years clean and sober May 25. There are no words to describe my gratitude.Thanks to all who share.


Member: jill l.
Location: Granada Hills, CA.
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 4:12:21 PM

Comments

Thank you for support in my sobriety. I just finished the first part of a series of paintings in which I illustrated my progression into alcoholism. What I remember from using is not what entertains my thoughts of using today. Jumping off balconies, fighting with loved ones, not eating or sleeping, wanting to die - these are the things I recall about my using. Thank God for this new life!


Member: Andy T. 
Location: Denver, CO 
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 6:16:52 PM

Comments

Hello, everybody. My name is Andy and I’m an alcoholic. I’m just getting back on the horse here after my second relapse. I should have eight years by now—instead I have two stretches of three. This last one really kicked my butt and has me on the verge of losing everything. My wife moved out and is seriously contemplating divorce. When I got out of detox I was demoted at work. The family members that have been so supportive in my past struggles are losing faith. Thus, I think its important everyday to try to remember how bad it really gets. I honestly forgot the last two times. Probably my biggest mistake was stopping regular meeting attendance. I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse, but I’m not one of those alcoholics that has a lot a cravings once I get a few days of sobriety under my belt. I get so comfortable that I lose respect for the affliction. Hopefully, I’ll never make that mistake again. As they say, it’s a patient disease, and it’ll wait you out.


Member: Lisa
Location: MA
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 8:59:12 PM

Comments

Hi group, Lisa/alcoholic

Posted early so I just wanted say after reading Jackie's post, THANKS, I neede that!! Your words were a reminder I needed to hear!


Member: Tee
Location: TX
Date: 5/22/01
Time: 11:30:58 PM

Comments

I have not woke up any place not knowing where I was or who I was with in 121/2 years and for that alone I am truly greatful. Although there are so many other life changing events that have occured, it always amazes me how my memory has returned. I love this program and the people in it. The sick one make me work that much harder for me and for them. How can I be of service is my motto. Thanks for letting me share.


Member: Misha B
Location: Texas
Date: 5/23/01
Time: 12:00:27 AM

Comments

I am one of those whose story is not dramatic. I just know that I had my last drink four years ago this July and when I celebrate July 4th I consider it to be a celebration of freedom from the bondage of drink and the bondage of all the accompanying mini-gods that came with my disease - work, prestige, pleasing people, money, etc. Because I do not have one of those histories that I hear people talking about (blackouts, destroying relationships, etc) it is easy for me to forget the nature of the disease. I just know that if I were to start up again I would end up on the progressive track to a death like my Dad's....alone and with a gun to his head. It is just one of those things my heart and gut understands. What is different about my life today is that when one of those old mini-gods steps in I can surrender and know what reality is. I am not nearly as afraid asI used to me. And I am facing whatever demons I can. God bless you guys for you have helped me so much. Last year during July I wanted to drink so bad. This site helped so much. Love, Misha


Member: Jack B
Location: Palo Alto, Pa
Date: 5/23/01
Time: 2:34:14 AM

Comments

Hi, I am Jack, a real alcoholic.Great topic.The promises tell us that we will not regret our past nor wish to close the door completely on it.The greatest experience, strength and hope I have is my past.I can grow from it, knowing all too well, I can't change it but I can try not to repeat it.We may not be responsible for some our actions of the past, but we are accountable. If I ever forget my past, I am doomed to repeat it. Thanks for allowing me to share and God Bless.


Member: Rick, L.
Location: Walton, KY.
Date: 5/23/01
Time: 10:10:09 AM

Comments

I got a real good reminder of where I came from last night. Last night a drunk driver hit my truck and just kept going. The police found his car abandoned at the top of the next exit. An hour later they caught him trying to check into some hotel. I'm thankfull that today I'm sitting at home telling this story because 15 years ago I could have been the one sitting in jail with a hang over. I can remember a couple of times that I would back into the side of someones car while pulling out of some bar parking lot; than take off in a hurry because I knew that if the police were called ,I would go to jail. I can still remember how I would brake out in a cold sweat anytime a police car came up hehind me because I knew that if they stoped me for any reason, they would smell the alchol on me and I would go to jail again. Even after a couple years of being sober, I would still get a cold chill down my back when I would see a police car behind me. I thank God that I can face a Police Officer today without the fear of going to jail.


Member: angie h
Location: ohio
Date: 5/23/01
Time: 10:28:24 AM

Comments

good morning everyone my name is angie and i'm an alcoholic whose been sober for 8 months now.


Member: Chris H
Location: New Jersey
Date: 5/23/01
Time: 1:16:57 PM

Comments

Hi, I'm Chris, an alcoholic and addict. Remembering where I came from is one of the biggest things in my program. There certainly have been enough reminders as of late. I'm rather new to the rooms (less than 90 days), but I have fully embraced the program and fellowship of AA. It's filled what waas once an empty life. Anyway, when I first came into recoery I was forced to move back in with my mother and her boyfreind as a result of my actions while I was still "out there". They are both still very sick. Being there was a constant reminder of what it was like being a drunk, not to mention a constant test of my sobriety, what with all the bottles around the house. Eventually I was asked none too nicely to leave (there was a little bit of a back story with that, which includes a bit of jealousy on their part I think). That nearly put me back too where I was before coming here. But I held in my anger, I held back the beast inside that wanted to go get f'd up on whatever I could get my hands on, and I called my sponser. Did the right thing? I guess. Even thou now I'm living with a woman I met after I came into recovery (breaking the "13th sugestion" and catching hell for it from everyone, but my sobriety still comes first). There was one other experience I had last week that I wanted to share. I was waiting for a train, on my way to a meeting. As I was walking around the train station, I passed a bench that had a large puddle of dried vomit in front of it. I won't get too graphic, but wee all know what alcohol puke looks like. It's not the same as "I have a stomach virus" puke, ya know? Anyway, in the middle of this puddle is a set of false teeth. Four front and three side teeth sitting in this crap. My guess? Some drunk blows his lunch (and his teeth) all over the ground, then gets on a train, and is so lost in his bottle that he doesn't even realize he left half his grill lying on the ground. Imagine sobering up from that. "Hey what happened last night, and where the hell are my teeth?" When I got to the meeting I mentioned that to some people, and how horrible it was. You know what they said? Is that any worse than stealing money from an old lady, or picking upa dropped wallet on the floor of a bar, or lying to a woman just to get what you want out of her, or any of the thousands of sins we commited when we were caught in the grip of our sickness? And guess what? It's not. Thanks for letting me share.


Member: JJ  M.
Location: US
Date: 5/23/01
Time: 1:20:28 PM

Comments

Hi! I'm new here, but not new to recovery. After 19 yrs. sober after the sudden death of my love of my life husband, I begin to slowly go back to drinking. Starting with a glass of wine at dinner. Needlesstosay, I've had a most difficult time puttng my life back together since his untimely death--the drinking has increased, I know the tools, but I just can't seem to get the mind and gut insync to use them. I'm familiar with one day at a time, but now I have a social life, also, an anxiety disorder (social) and need to learn how to handle being social again and not giving in to drinking just to be social. Trying to put my life back together again before this progresses any further. Last drink was last night. JJ


Member: cindy c.
Location: va
Date: 5/23/01
Time: 2:47:25 PM

Comments

Cindy c. Alcoholic,,Hold fast JJ.. I truly understand the social anxiety disorder. That is exactly how I started drinking 15 yrs ago when my husband and I got divorced. I was married right out of High School I had never dated anyone esle and never really socialized without him. He didn't die but He still left me alone. I would have a glass of wine or a beer when I went out just to try and feel normal and relaxed enough to talk. It didn't take long before I realized that I was one of those that never should have had even one drink. Yes, it loosened me up way to lose sometimes...I ended up doing things I never thought I'd do ,alot of embrassing moments and pretty disqusted with myself. No-one, will take your mates place, the grieving process takes alot of time, and there is always a empty spot that never really goes away. Now for you. Think THink Think...Do you now have a Death wish a desire to join him?? That sounds harsh but that is where alcoholics end up. Also,,As the topic is today ...Remember why you quit drinking in the first place..What was wrong with your life then; that made you stop drinking.. Grab your Sponsor... Start reminising...Write down your feelings... Alcohol is a depressant, which for me leads to more anxiety...I'm sure I'm only telling you things you already know. As far as a social life. How did you socialize after you stopped drinking? There is also a medication that has help me with my social anxiety "Buspar" It is not for everyone but you should search for other ways ,,,Don't just go back to what is familiar...It didn't work the first time or you would never have quit....You defidently need to check some grief counseling or a strong support group for people who've lost a love one...What ever It Takes! Just DONT DRINK !There really is no excuse...... Take care I love you... cc


Member: cindy c.
Location: va
Date: 5/23/01
Time: 2:49:08 PM

Comments

Cindy c. Alcoholic,,Hold fast JJ.. I truly understand the social anxiety disorder. That is exactly how I started drinking 15 yrs ago when my husband and I got divorced. I was married right out of High School I had never dated anyone esle and never really socialized without him. He didn't die but He still left me alone. I would have a glass of wine or a beer when I went out just to try and feel normal and relaxed enough to talk. It didn't take long before I realized that I was one of those that never should have had even one drink. Yes, it loosened me up way to lose sometimes...I ended up doing things I never thought I'd do ,alot of embrassing moments and pretty disqusted with myself. No-one, will take your mates place, the grieving process takes alot of time, and there is always a empty spot that never really goes away. Now for you. Think THink Think...Do you now have a Death wish a desire to join him?? That sounds harsh but that is where alcoholics end up. Also,,As the topic is today ...Remember why you quit drinking in the first place..What was wrong with your life then; that made you stop drinking.. Grab your Sponsor... Start reminising...Write down your feelings... Alcohol is a depressant, which for me leads to more anxiety...I'm sure I'm only telling you things you already know. As far as a social life. How did you socialize after you stopped drinking? There is also a medication that has help me with my social anxiety "Buspar" It is not for everyone but you should search for other ways ,,,Don't just go back to what is familiar...It didn't work the first time or you would never have quit....You defidently need to check some grief counseling or a strong support group for people who've lost a love one...What ever It Takes! Just DONT DRINK !There really is no excuse...... Take care I love you... cc


Member: JJ M
Location: us
Date: 5/23/01
Time: 3:55:54 PM

Comments

thank you Cindy, You're right in "the death wish type thinking because I asked myself that at times. I stopped drinking when my son was 3 yrs old. I was married to a very domineering and possessive man 19 yrs. older than me. The marriage was built on martinis at that time. However, as I have been told I caught my husbands disease. I was treated and stopped drinking--mindful now that I probably suffered post-partum syndrome after the birth of my only child and was self treating. Boy it's good to talk. I stayed sober and the marriage eventually fell apart after 17 yrs. My husband lost his drinking partner--I worked in a treatment center for alcoholism and drug abuse and was quite sucessful. Why did I stop drinking before? I drank out of spite of this domineering husband and I think I got sober out of spite. Many people thought I should have been in alanon, however, I stuck with AA for eleven years. I still did not feel comfortable walking into the rooms full of people. I have searched out grievance counselors and have come to grips with most of the loss--now I must work on only me--asking myself everyday--what do I want to do with the rest of my life. Today so far I haven't had a drink, crossed my mind to have a glass of wine, but didn't--I know I can do this--need the separation time period to happen so with God's help I will not drink this evening and that's 1 day separation. JJ


Member: cindy  c
Location: va
Date: 5/23/01
Time: 4:30:22 PM

Comments

JJ, My E-mail address is cyndan13.cs.com, If you ever need to just talk. Your story could be mine in many ways. Thats the thing about Any good support groups, you share.One day at a time,sometime one minute at a time. Whatever it take. Someone is always here to listen. cc


Member: mike s
Location: ma
Date: 5/23/01
Time: 10:33:12 PM

Comments

mike alcoholic 100 days sober


Member: Clifton H
Location: Bryan, Oh
Date: 5/23/01
Time: 10:38:40 PM

Comments

Hi all. I'm Clifton, an alcoholic. I remember what it was like during my last few months as an active alcoholic. It was terrible. I was drinking every day and not listening to anyone. I would do what I wanted no matter what anyone else said or thought. No matter what kind of trouble I got in. I have only driven once while I was drunk. Thankfully no one was hurt, but it scared me because I realized how easy it was. Now I look back and say "What was I thinking???" I just thank my HP that I am alive and here today to share my story. Maybe someone can learn from my mistakes without making them themselves.


Member: Jenny G
Location: London
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 4:03:20 AM

Comments

Hi, my name's Jenny and I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for seven months and for the most part, life has been improving. However, I'm feeling vulnerable, fragile and shakey. I've had an awful month - I've been ill; I've watched my ex-boyfriend die from this disease; my current boyfriend has accepted an overseas' posting and it was the third anniversary of my father's death.

I remember only too well where I came from and I'm fearful that this is all too much for me and I'll return to drinking to quash to pain. I'm finding it difficult to process my feelings in a mature manner and I find myself reacting like a child.

Today though, I know I have a choice to face life on life's terms and tap into the strong support system that is available to all AAs. I'm sticking to my sponsor like glue, going to meetings, reading AA literature and praying. Yeah, I'm on an emotional roller-coaster, yet one thing is for sure - a drink is not the solution and this too shall pass.

Open to serentiy, Jenny G


Member: Frank D
Location: Vancouver WA
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 4:10:58 AM

Comments

Howdy all, am Frank an alcoholic... Awesome what to talk about Carol, Thank you. To never forget where we came from and for me to never say never again is a super biggie. I don't get to enough meettings some times and when I get a little crazy my suport people tell me to go back to where you where, thats meetting time. To feel renewed, refreshed, sane, not so alone all from going to a meetting is the way I know today, one day at a time. Yes that story to do with that last drunk. Sharing your story, hearing your story. Back to reality. Thanks again Carol. HP bless us all.......

Meetting time...


Member: JJ M
Location: US
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 10:48:53 AM

Comments

Got thru yesterday without a drink. The evenings are the toughest. Yes, I too used alcohol to ease the pain of the deaths I have had to deal with, knowing all along Alcohol wasn't the answer. I pray each day to get through without a drink. Being sober 19 years taught me one thing, the longer I'm separated from using alcohol to ease pain, face social functions, and life's twist and turns, it gets easier to not reach for a drink. I still have to put one day at a time not drinking, back to back to get the separation time span from my last drink on 5/22. Thanks cc. and the rest for being there. Jenny, I certainly understand your pain and you're right, alcohol deadens temporarily, but does not allow us to work through it. My husband died suddenly 3 yrs. ago, that's when I started up again. "the death wish" I think, but not wanting to die. Now I'm ready to get back in life and I know alcohol has no place in my life. I was there once before--but gave up the gift God gave to me--because now I was on my on after the death of my husband--no one to answer to--can do what I want--Never really feeling good about myself--The mind is really a "BIG SNAKE". Well I'm one day without a drink--don't plan on it today either--feeling better about myself because of what I didn't do yesterday (drink). So if I keep believing that what I do with my life today will either make my tomorrow better or worse, then I must chose to have my tomorrow better. JJ


Member: SuNNy
Location: WA
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 11:04:32 AM

Comments

Thanks for the reminder of what we have to be grateful for -- there are tons of things, but it all starts with 1 day. Sitting here reading all the wonderful posts, the one that hit home the most is from Mike, who has 100 days sober. OMGosh...Mike I remember (kinda) that at about 100 days I finally detoxed. The fog had lifted, my head didn't hurt anymore, I think I slept all night, food went in and stayed there, I had a "good poop," and a little glint of hope returned to my eyes as I wondered what in the hell these crazy AA people were talking about! It was so incredibly tough, and I never want to have to go through that process again. Mike, thanks for posting -- I never want to forget the journey to recovery. The longer you stay sober, the more you will have to be grateful for enduring the early stages of accute withdrawal. Hang in there dude.


Member: JJ M
Location: uS
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 11:08:01 AM

Comments

cc If you come back on, please repeat for me your email address as it comes back as invalid. JJ


Member: Marie J
Location: small town usa
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 1:31:03 PM

Comments

Hello all. I have never been to a support group or an AA meeting - live in a small town and still fear the idea of people knowing I have a problem. I quit on my own for more than four months and then decided that since I did it on my own I didn't have a problem. Well, I had a rough day and stopped by the convenience store and bought a bottle of wine. You all know the rest of the story. Even though I don't drink as much as I was drinking (at least quit the hard stuff) I don't like the way I am feeling. It is so very hard to admit that alcohol can control a person, but that is how it is. I even had my parents quit drinking - they also have a problem, but when I went back they did as well. I have a young daughter and I don't want her to think that it is normal to drink everyday. I keep thinking that the drink will help relieve my stress and get some sleep, but it doesn't. It is so hard to find another outlet. I am a believer in Jesus and pray all the time - but I can't seem to listen when I really need to. I work long hours and can't get to a meeting even if I wanted to. I am stuck in a sea of emotional dispair and am very angry and disappointed with myself. Thank you for being here - I debated on writing but it does seem to help some. Marie


Member: Joe L.
Location: Phila,PA - USA
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 1:40:05 PM

Comments

Thanky you Carol for starting us off, and all others for sharing. My name is Joe, and I am definitely an alcoholic. Whare I came from was "Asking God to take me because I couldn't take it anymore." The kicker is, it was all self induced. My best friend turned on me. The one who made me strong when I was weak, brave when I was afraid and handsome when I was not. Where was I to turn? Thank God for A.A. and all who carry the message, anywhere, anytime... I would not be here if it were't for all of you. To all newcomers, you can get through this weekend same as me, one day at a time. Sometimes, one hour or one minute at a time. I only know it's worth it. I know I have another drunk in me, I'm not sure I have another recovery. God Bless You All and Have a Great Weekend - Joe L.


Member: Sissyb
Location: ca
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 2:04:03 PM

Comments

Hi My name is Sissy and I am an alcholic. This is my first time as well. I have been drinking since I was 15 years old. That means many more blackouts and hangovers than I care to remember. My husband and all of our friends drink often. I want to quit. I am quitting. I am not the person that I should be when I drink. I have ignored my children, home and basically my life. I dont want to live like this anymore. Reading your stories makes me realize that this is a disease and its not just me. I just have to get through these feelings of guilt. I am looking forward to a sober life full of love and happiness and no alcohol. I will need help I am sure and find this site very helpful...Day by day right..Just make it until tomorrow.. thanks all and god bless!


Member: Steve L
Location: Indiana
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 2:24:41 PM

Comments

Hi,I'm Steve,an alcoholic. What a wonderful topic.Thank you everyone for sharing.Your memories help refresh mine.Waking up in the bushes in front of a bar or in the strange beds of even a stranger women.DUIs, court and jail, 5 or 6 times, it's a blur.Having the ones I love leave, or worse yet pushing them out of my life because I know I'd only hurt them,cause I knew I couldn't be trusted.Worst,by far,was waking up in my own head, the madness ,guilt and shame, thoughts of suicide. My recovery is the type of increasing periods of sobriety and decreasing relapses (in both frequency and duration).My last episode was a one nighter last Father's Day.It turned out to be a blessing.Alcohol had lost it's magic for me.After 10 lonely months of "doing it on my own", I discovered through prayer and meditation ( see I was doing a few things right ) that my HP was guiding me, and that the answer to my loneliness and depression was to go where I belong:AA. It works if you work it. Good to be home. So anyway, thanks for reminding me, although my drinking just kinda fizzled out, for me it's like Russian roulette; One drink would either lead to disappointment, depression and despair. Or Prison, Insanity, Maybe even Death ( I've been so close in the past). Thanks to AA for showing me a new way and once again thank you all for sharing.


Member: RobC
Location: Philly
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 2:32:18 PM

Comments

SissyB and MarieJ, get to meetings! Go to 90 meetings in 90 days AT LEAST! You will feel better, you will be better! I look at my children and think of the example I want to set for them. Do I want them to see me as the selfish drunk that I was, drinking and stinking, and not being there for them, or the less selfish drunk in recovery, fighting to do what needs to to be done, explaining to them that I am ill but trying to get better, and that if they should ever get ill to try to get better, talk to people, get help. Children are more cognizant than many realize and can understand and support in these endeavors. Read the promises, they will come true. Not one has for me yet as I've only been sober for two weeks, but the last two weeks have been so incredible, so eye-opening, I pray to HP that I never drink again, and pray that I can become the person my kids deserve. Sorry if I sound like I know it all, I don't. I'm just so enthused at my new found life and know all those suffering will benefit if they just don't drink today. Thanks for letting me share.


Member: Carl J. M.
Location: North Carolina
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 3:40:19 PM

Comments

Helo everyone I'm a cross-addicted alcoholic called C.J., Thanks for the topic.My sober date is 12/8/98.I was as close to death as you can get.On that date I had just had surgery that should have killed me.I had used AA for all the wrong reasons. I had used it to make the judge happy, to make my probation officer happy ,to make my wife happy and to get everyone off my back. My real problem was me,and I was really afraid to face my self.Hell,I was really afraid of everything, I was afraid of Life.When the Dr. told me that I had a 75% chance of dying on the table,and I was positive Hep.C, and I had 2 yrs. to live anyway, I became more afraid of dying than I was of living.I came back to the only place yhat had never told me to leave and don't come back.(AA)I got a Sponser,and started doing the things that he suggested,and what was suggested by the AA program.Today I carry the message into the prisons around my hometown.If not for the grace of God, I'm sure that is where I would be. The oldtimers in my groupe told me to hang around until the miracle happened.I did and it did.Thanks to AA I'm begining to have a life,when at one time I was scared to death of living. I thank you for allowing me to share.


Member: Rich R, S - L - O - W - L - Y recovering compulsive person :-)
Location: Detroit
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 4:01:06 PM

Comments

Thanks for the topic Carol from New Jersey :-) <br> Just a few weeks ago I had the same kind of 'flash back'. I was attending my sister's 40th wedding anniversary in Massachusetts. When I was driving home, it occurred to me that I had stayed 'cyber'! Chances are many of the people driving home from that party were NOT sober :-) It brought back memories of the many many times I drove home drunk! Hardly able to keep my eyes open let alone try to keep the car between those 2 white lines! Thanks for the memories Carol.


Member: Walter T.  
Location: AL
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 5:15:40 PM

Comments

Hello, All. I'm Walter, alcoholic. Great topic, Carol. Thanks, everyone, for sharing. What it was like?: Beyond the Twilight Zone!!!!!!How does a grown man, raised in a Christian home, himself, loved by two-sets of parents (MS & NJ), loving kids, brothers, sisters, relatives and friends, just turn away from everyone and live the life of a bum? I was a bum, whenever I was under the influence. Who I was then and who I am now is more or a contrast than Dr, Jerkyl and Mr. Hyde (ck, spg). I can look back but I pray daily that God will not let me go back. One last note: It never fails: Each time I needed to go a meeting when i attended f2f meetings, the topic under discussion was always the very one that I needed. I haven't met with my cyber group in a few days. But, guess what? Gratitude and What I/We was/were like, is/are just the topics I needed hearing. I tell ya, I tell ya!, this Internet Thing just might be another blessing, for our kind, from a merciful God (HP), who realy does want us to live happy and free, One Day At A Time. I pray for each of us, another day of sobriety and Thank God for the one that we're currently enjoying. Walter T.


Member: jose
Location:
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 9:15:17 PM

Comments

nude crude and rude.............the way i like my bitchs


Member: VickieA
Location: SF,CA
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 11:48:08 PM

Comments

Hi everyone,

I'm Vickie, alcoholic. Carol, great topic. I'm coming up on 13 years and just this morning I was thinking how grateful I am today. I'm healthy and happy and alive. My last days of drinking weren't very dramatic, just more of the same. I have this very clear recollection of walking up the street after getting off the bus. It was a cold day in SF and I felt like I was dying from the inside out. I felt so cold and dead all the time. I got home and one of my roommates handed me a Kahlua and coffee. I took it without thinking and drank it. Then I realized that I hadn't even wanted it. When he asked me if I wanted another, I said no. That night I called a friend who had talked to me about the program and it saved my life. So today, I am truly grateful. Thanks for being here to remind me.


Member: Darren S
Location: Soo, Ontario Canada
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 11:54:26 PM

Comments

Hi everyone Darren alchoholic and Jim alchoholic also.Both sharing exper,strength,hope and computer!!I remember trying to drive home or wherever I happened to be going at the time and closing one eye to get rid of the second line that wasnt there. The frightning part was that I would wake up or rather come to the next day to do it all over again, thinking it would somehow be different.Thank God as I understand him that I dont have to live like that anymore.Anyway this is our first time sharing on a chat room and we're glad your out there.I always try to remember the first word of the 10th step fore that is what I need to do one day at a time. Take care everyone.


Member: Lisa c
Location: South Georgia
Date: 5/24/01
Time: 11:58:33 PM

Comments

Hi Yall Lisa alcholic I usually just Lurk But today I felt Like I need to Share. Been doing a lot of remembering lately. Last week I picke up a Nine year Chip. Given to me By my mother, had 21 years sober in December. And next week I will turn 39 years old, Thanks to the program of alcholics anonymous.So I have several reason to reflect and be Greatful for the gifts of sobrity. I have a wonderful relationship with my Mother and can be here for her during Papas illness He is terminal and he has forgotten how close we used to be. That has been very hard for both of us.So thank God we have each other to help get through this. I've gotten a Divorce and become self suporrting through my own contributions for the first time in my life.That is a miracle for a user Like me I always found people{Men} to take care of me. I've learned to date with out moving in. and I've learned that I like living alone thats ENOUGH of my stuff. Thank God for all of you and thank God for Keeping me Sober one day at a time for the Last Nine years. HLPH Lisa PS just found out I'm going to be a grandmother in december yippe


Member: susi n
Location: fresno
Date: 5/25/01
Time: 2:01:46 AM

Comments

hi i'm susi and i'm an alcoholic/addict with 80 days clean and sober today. remembering where i came from isn't hard for me at all since it seems like yesterday that i was out there and since i drank for 22 years it IS yesterday comparitively. the hard part for me is although there were "bottom" times, for the most part it was fun and that's what comes to mind when i remember. sometimes i wonder how the heck i racked up so many days sober. obviously there's something working through me and that is my Higher Power. thank God for these rooms and you people. glad i found this site. it's great when i need to share and a meeting is unavailable.


Member: CeCe R.
Location: Lincoln, NE
Date: 5/25/01
Time: 6:59:56 AM

Comments

What a great topic. I was in a room surrounded by old playmates last night--for about 15 minutes. As I sat last night and as I read today all I can think is "God, please help the still suffering." Sometimes that's me even if I'm not drinking. It's easy to remember the great times in the past. But that's not where I came from or I wouldn't be here. Remembering where I came from requires some hard work for me. Thanks for being here and helping me.


Member: John L.
Location: So. Fla
Date: 5/25/01
Time: 8:47:30 AM

Comments

It's amazing how all the seemingly mundaine and repetative slogans and buzz words I constantly hear in AA end up being so true. So it comes as no suprise to me that the shortest entry posted above struck as the most profound.

Jill H on 5/20 shares: "I must never shut the door on my past-it has saved my life".

How often do I obsess about the "sins" of the past? How often do I simmer in pain recalling the terrible things I did, all the foolish, hurtfull things I did to others as well as my self while actively in my cups. This statement will now help me realize that I can now look at all my garbage through a different microscope, a different set of lenses. It now takes on the purpoise of example, a teaching tool. I can say to my self after reviewing all the mess from the past "The man I used to be drank and did these things, the man I am now does not drink and do these things" and God loves me just the same. Thanks you all for all you do to touch the lives of those who see and hear the new people you have become and the hope you give them by your example.


Member: RobC
Location: Philly
Date: 5/25/01
Time: 10:24:39 AM

Comments

Mike, 100 days! Congratulations. I think order of magnitude anniversaries are the best. I just had my 10day, looking forward to my 100, 1000, 10000 one day at a time.


Member: Chris H.
Location: Fla.
Date: 5/25/01
Time: 12:32:14 PM

Comments

Chris here---alcoholic/addict/bulimic--- THank you to eveyone who has posted this week...Even after 7yrs. sober ---I feel like drinking...But luckily, I know that that is not the answer...My Dad is coming to visit me and I want to drink. Isn't it sad that a parent cannot support their child , but can only cause themstress. HOwever, I know that he will never change and that I cannot change him. I am also in the middle of changing antidepressants and am a t a pretty low point in the area of depression and anxiety. My HP must have a higher reason for bringing my Dad at this time. There is also a GREAT amount of stress in my marriage and with my relationship with my brother(who will not even speak to my father) at this time.The issues I have been dealing with with my Hubby and my brother have been lurking in the background for a LONG time. THey have really needed to be addressed...but how interesting that my HP has brought them into my life NOW when my meds. are at their lowest...I guess he relly wants me to depend on Him and to learn to used the principles of the program. I am really greatful that He must feel I am strong enough, and that I have a sponsor that understands my situation and is so good for me. She is the only one who really understands. I am also greatful that I am Not where I used to be , and that my HP has given me so many blessings and so many times when He has COME through for me... that I KNOW (right now@!!) that I can trust him with this. I am also greatful for this sight ---that I can come here and sound off...but I am reallizing more than ever how I MISS MY F/F meetings and that I had better get my butt to some. Thanks for letting my ramble today---I really needed it...


Member: jan marie
Location: spokane wash.
Date: 5/25/01
Time: 5:33:15 PM

Comments


Member: jan marie
Location: spokane wash.
Date: 5/25/01
Time: 5:33:22 PM

Comments


Member: jan marie
Location: spokane wash.
Date: 5/25/01
Time: 5:33:29 PM

Comments


Member: Jen B.
Location: CA
Date: 5/25/01
Time: 5:43:21 PM

Comments

Great topic, thank you everyone for the vivid reminders. Jen B, alcoholic. I'll be real honest here, and thankfully I can...I have been wanting to drink, I've been jealous of those who can...my first summer sober and I am missing my sidekick of 15 years.

So! "werk" is miserable and I hate these people who "get to" go home and drink themselves senseless every night and wake up hungover the next morning. Early sobriety is a very anxious time for me and I twitch from wanting to check out so badly. I have early wakening with anxiety and nervousness (over NOTHING! I assure you, just for the fun of it apparently) and I remember being so hungover, surviving was the top priority, followed by making head stop pounding, and locating automobile. LOL...onto why I'm grateful for the memories.

- I don't have to call around in the morning and try to figure out from others' greetings and tone of voice if they were mad at me or not. If they were, it was for good cause. - I don't have to gutwrench for a week before getting up the nerve to ask what I did/said/took off and threw out the window. - In the morning, all my jewelry is right where I left it, in the jewelry box. - When I lay in bed and try to remember where I parked my car the night before, I actually can. - I don't wake up with strangers ala the missing link snoring cozily next to me. - I wake up IN bed, AT home, ON the bed (I used to frequently wake up under it). - If I find mystery vomit on clothing, it was the cats. The CATS I tell you! - I don't lose "time" - blackouts were some kind of scary.

I have a life and am actually living it now. Thanks again for the topic and everyone's reminders of the old life.

xo

J


Member: hahahehe
Location:
Date: 5/25/01
Time: 9:45:21 PM

Comments

lulu break open your piggy bany lets do chineese


Member: crazed
Location:
Date: 5/25/01
Time: 11:16:31 PM

Comments

jen,

lets have sex and wake up sober together in the morning.......


Member: Hank K.
Location: Eaton, N.Y.
Date: 5/25/01
Time: 11:24:54 PM

Comments

I'm Hank and I'm an alcoholic. I think this is a great topic.It's Memorial day weekend and I just went through a New York State police checkpoint and I was sober. That's a far cry from the way things used to be, and I'm gratefull for that.I still remember sitting in the holding tank on other days when I wasn't sober. Keeps it green for me.


Member: george
Location: oregon
Date: 5/25/01
Time: 11:59:12 PM

Comments

man i hear ya hank.....and the cops will be out in force.....but it dont bother me anymore either.......but i still hate pigs anyway!!!!!


Member: miken.
Location: brenham texas
Date: 5/26/01
Time: 12:32:31 AM

Comments

hey family, mike alki here.just got from carriing the message to a small town jail.it is not hard to have gratitude tonigt. mike n. brenham texas


Member: Joe L.
Location: Phila,PA - USA
Date: 5/26/01
Time: 11:17:52 AM

Comments

Hi All; Joe here, alcoholic - the most important fact of my life. Hope I never forget it. Thanks for sharing Jen. Hope you get to a face to face as soon as you can and let them know. These holiday weekends make me nervous and I'm sorry. My sponsor says "It's hard to hit a moving target." Get it? Love You All - Peace, Out - Joe L.


Member: Anna
Location: Sunny florda
Date: 5/26/01
Time: 5:05:14 PM

Comments

Hi All.. Have a safe and sober Memorial Day. I am happy to say I am the luckiest person I know. I have a wonderful understanding husband who just watched another relapse. He is more understanding and made me realize everything will be lost if I do it one more time. I love him for that. My Memorial party is next door at a cousins house with a couple hundred mostly sober people. They just aren't drinkers that's all. We will play volleyball, pool games and everything I used to do drunk, but now I'll remember it. Please take everyday like it could be your last because it just may be. Love to all....Anna Alki---the sunshine state


Member: marlee
Location: canada
Date: 5/26/01
Time: 5:20:15 PM

Comments

hello eveyone , i;m marlee and i"m and alcoholic, thinking of my last drunk makes feel how a fool i was. i really believed i was a social drinker. i had a job i looked after the kids payed the bills ,i argued i was not alcoholic.2 years ago i lost my kids ,my house , car i still argued i was not a drunk , my kids were sad alll the time ,they always found a way to go to other family memebers house ,i had my spouse but i was still so lonely i missed my kids so , i had to do something i need them more than ever , it didnt stop i kept drinking and yes things got worse my spouse started to get violent i got the beating of my life for the first time , well thats what made think , icried and cried because i had to make a decision , i could of died that night with out seeing my kids . it scared the life out me waking up with a noticeable bruise on my face , lump the size of a apple on my head i could go on it really hurt me that a man i love would do such a thing to me . well i left him i had to change . it was hard to admitt first that i was and alcholic , now i can proudly say it with out being ashamed because i know now its a desease. i have been sober for 10 months now and still learning a lot of good things from the aa .


Member: Bob T
Location: RENO Nv
Date: 5/26/01
Time: 5:37:13 PM

Comments


Member: JJ
Location: NYS
Date: 5/26/01
Time: 6:09:01 PM

Comments

Hi, I'm JJ and I'm an alcoholic. I just read what "Marlee" wrote. Congrates on your 10 mos. Its to bad that's what it took, but sometimes it takes something "big-time" to make ya take a look at oneself. I see a lot of people think and feel like that. I say its the Monkey talking. I've been sober bout 2yrs and realizing I was a drunk for about 30 wasn't easy or nice. But I have been able to come to peace with what I am, and also know that I can't become a "social drinker" again. My last drink was under a bridge about 3 blocks from my home. And every day I go by there I remember what it had become. Its nice to wake up every day and not chase that madness to get my booze. Sometimes those neg thoughts come up, but that's to be expected. I know to act on them where it will take me. Thankfully that's all they are now is passing thoughts, and I don't have to suffer though that tug of war as I did in the beginning. I came to believe and understand I can't dance with the Monkey and live. And that's OK today.


Member: Karl E.
Location: Scandin.
Date: 5/26/01
Time: 7:10:07 PM

Comments

Hi! I am Karl, alcoholic. What it where like before AA? Life was lonliness, sadness and darkness. Had a short period of "making it on my own" before. It didnt work so well. Had not the knowledge of the alcoholism I had today and didnt understand why I couldnt make it on my own. Today after some year sober in AA life is good. I can participate in life, be here and now.Go out, meet other people be kind and talk to other people. People dont avoid me any more. thx to this program. thx everyone Karl


Member: Angie M.
Location: Alabama, AL
Date: 5/26/01
Time: 8:04:06 PM

Comments

Sometimes I forget just how bad the pain of the past really was, but something always reminds me. I've just started my second divorce, while in AA. My fourth in all. I know the suffering I'm going through is because of decisions I have made. I've been sober for five and a half years now, but the pain I feel right now is just as gut wrentching as the pain I felt in the very beginning. And I know I brought it all on myself by not listening to suggestions given to me. Sometimes I think I'm in the program just to show people what not to do. I hear the suggestions, and then just do it my way anyway, and believe me, suffer dearly before I surrender again. The only difference is, because of learning experiences I've had while in AA, I do know that this too shall pass. It really will. I've made it through some really painful things since I've been sober, but each one has given me more faith in my Higher Power. Right now though, I feel very alone and sad, which I know is a perfectly normal thing to feel when your going through a divorce. My husband is a good guy. I met him in AA. He just can't stay sober, and I don't think I could have stayed sober much longer if I had stayed with him. I had to finally make the decision to take care of my sobriety, and give him to God. I've had to do that with my kids too, who are all three actively using alcohol and drugs. My middle son almost died last week in an alcohold related situation, and this week has move to another state to get away from it all. I could easily get drunk trying to sober everyone else up. I have learned through AA, that you have to feel the pain to heal the pain. I no longer want to numb my pain with alcohol, (even though I do wish it would go away, NOW!!) I know this pain will go away, but before I came into AA, there was no end to the pain, the isolation, and the fear. It was contant in my life, and if I don't choose to put my sobriety first today, it can be constant in my life again. I've had to relocate, temporarily, so I've got to try and find a meeting around here I can go to. Lately I've had only a meeting here and there, my sponser has not been very available, and I feel like I'm starting over, even though I didn't relapse physically, believe me, emotionally and mentally I've gone through the wringer, and I have had some drinking thoughts, and even strong thoughts of suicide, but they were actually before I left. I'm just glad I found this meeting online, and thanks for letting me vent. I always have to remember where I came from or I'll definitely go back there. Peace and Love


Member: Doug K
Location: Rainy shores of Lake Mi.
Date: 5/26/01
Time: 11:52:47 PM

Comments

Hi everyone, my name is Doug and I'm an alcoholic. Fear, terror, bewilderment, despair, suffocating lonliness, guilt, remorse, anger, humiliation, and an absolute digust with myself as a human being. Dry heaves, the smell of my skin in the middle of the night, bloated, shaking. A total emotional, spiritual, and psycological collapse. Every day. Day after day, week after week, month after month. I never would have believed what a blessing all that was....the sum total of everything it took for me to show up here with just enough willingness to stick around....and the miracle happened. I don't regret my past and open the door wide when newcomers show up at meetings in case they want to take a tour of how well I did when I was doing it on my own. Thanks for being here so I don't have to be there.


Member: Jack M. Ass
Location:
Date: 5/27/01
Time: 2:52:22 AM

Comments

Carl J.M. Must get heavy carrying all of those crosses around, huh? Are you an alcoholic or not?


Member: Jack M. Ass
Location:
Date: 5/27/01
Time: 2:52:44 AM

Comments

Carl J.M. Must get heavy carrying all of those crosses around, huh? Are you an alcoholic or not?


Member: Jack M. Ass
Location:
Date: 5/27/01
Time: 2:52:58 AM

Comments

Carl J.M. Must get heavy carrying all of those crosses around, huh? Are you an alcoholic or not?


Member: Pete S
Location: Maryland
Date: 5/27/01
Time: 8:44:58 AM

Comments

Remembering where I came from defintely helps me today. The las six months of my drinking career saw the sherriff at my door 13 timees, handcuffs 6 times, and jail for 35 days. All without the "joy" of a DWI. There's more to alcoholism than drinking and driving. Been in the program for 22 months, doing what I need to do (notice I didn't say "have") and I'm happy. Wonder if they laid anyone off over at the sherriff's department, now that they don't need the "dedicated" deputy any longer

Thanks

Pete


Member: Y. Walker
Location: Iraq
Date: 5/27/01
Time: 4:35:15 PM

Comments

I'm WALKING!! This Way:

Chapter 1- 2) In making an end I will destroy all sin from the earth declareth Yahweh. 3) I will destroy human and beast, I will destroy (the demons of) the heaven’s cover and the sea’s increase, yea the stumbling-blocks of the lawless, and will cut off the sin of humankind from the earth declareth Yahweh!! 4) Therefore will I stretch out my hand___ against the celebrated (people), and against all those dwelling upon Jerusalem,___ and will cut off out of this exaltation the name of lord, the name of the idolaters with the ministers; 5) and them who bow down upon the housetops to the (demon) host of the heavens; indeed of those who bow down swearing as to Yahweh but who (actually) swear with the king of idolatry; 6) yea them who turn away from following Yahweh,___ and have neither sought Yahweh nor inquired about Him. 7) Hush! At the watching of my Lord Yahweh,___ for near is the day of Yahweh, for Yahweh hath prepared His sacrifice, hath hallowed His called ones. 8) And it shall be brought to pass in the day of Yahweh’s sacrifice that I will punish the rulers and the children of the king (of idolatry), and all such as are clothed with foreign apparel; 9) and I will punish every one who leapeth over the threshold (of Yahweh’s House) in that day,___ those who fill the house of their lords with violence and deceit. 10) And there shall be in that day declareth Yahweh, the noise of an outcry from the city squirming, and of a howling because of the repetition (i.e., the third and last destruction of earthly Jerusalem as was prophesied in Eze 21:27; Ps 80:5;Mt 23:37-39;Lu 21:20; etc.),___ and of a great crashing from the hills ! 11) Howl ye dwellers upon the quarreling waters, because cut off are the merchant people, destroyed are all they who are laden with silver (or money)!! 12) And it shall be brought to pass at that time, that I will search through (mine anointed’s heavenly) Jerusalem with lamps (see Eze 9:1-11),___ and will punish those who are settled upon their dregs of wine, who are saying in their heart Yahweh will not give blessing, neither will He send calamity. 13) Therefore shall their goods wax to a booty, and their houses a desolation,___ they shall even build houses and not inhabit them, and plant vineyards but not drink the wine thereof! 14) Brief is the great day of Yahweh, brief and exceedingly intelligent (“because the Lord will perform a brief work upon the earth,” Rom 9:28, with “the Wisdom from above,” Jas 3:17,18),___ the noise of the day of Yahweh, a strong one___ there!___ (the satan) bitterly crying out!! 15) A day of indignation___ that day! A day of danger and distress, a day of devastation and ruin, a day of misery and misfortune, a day of cloud and gloom, 16) a day of horn and war-shout,___ against the fortified cities, and against the high towers. 17) Yea I will bring distress upon mankind, and they shall walk like them who are blind, because against Yahweh have they sinned,___ so their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their bowels like dung. 18) Neither their silver (or money) nor yet their gold shall be able to deliver them in the day of the indignation of Yahweh (see Eze 7:19), for in the fire of His jealousy shall the whole earth be consumed; for a destruction, surely a terrible one will He make with all those who dwell upon the earth (that is, those not seeking the things high above, Col 3:2, but depending on the earth, man and those things for help).


Member: Lionel-C
Location: Campbelltown Australia
Date: 5/27/01
Time: 4:54:45 PM

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Lionel -C Alcoholic Hi Carol /everyone I for one hope i never forget where i come from.But today i do not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it.Instead i hand my past over to the care of God.Until i may need to share it with another alcoholic.I believe you do not fall of a program your not on.So what was basic back when i first fell through the doors of this beautiful program are still the same for me today.Go to meetings ,Read the big Book,pick up the phone,share when ask ,listen.stay on the 24 hour plan..Ive been given a brand new life.And i to when i see a suffering alcoholic.say but for the grace of God go i.Keep coming back this program works if you work it .Love you all Lionel.