Member: Mary B.
Time: 9:33:36 AM
Is it possible to have a serious relationship (dating or marriage) with a non alcoholic or will it never work out cause they can't fully understand our problem?
Time: 10:13:42 AM
good subject((((MARY)))) my first marriage lasted 15 years, got sober and divorced! was 8 years sober when i met Sheila she has a glass of wine about once ayear! we have been married now coming up for 9 years in july, Sheila knew i didnt drink when she meet me, i told her that i went to A.A.she didnt mind and two wee boys later we are ok! ups and downs but every marriage and relationship has this! so actually not drinking was a bonus! i dont know how i would have been if she was a frequent drinker but god point her in my direction lol regards L-ray ( Celtic just beat Rangers)so a smile on my face to-day.
Member: Diane B
Time: 10:17:12 AM
hi Diane here 33 days, this is a good subject, what I've heard from my Son's Lawyer is stay away from the old drug or alcoholic friends so I would think a relationship with a non Alcoholic would be good, I also agree they won't understand cause I'm finding my Daughter don't understand me at all but I think she has the A problem too and many more problems for her. Sober I shall stay no matter what
Member: John O'L
Location: DFW Texas
Time: 10:25:00 AM
My name is John and I am an alcoholic. God Willing, I shall have 21 years of sobriety next month on May 22nd. I've written a book for those who are single and seeking marriage on how to find your true love and become engaged to be married, and have researched this topic for over twenty years. I would say that the topic of your membership in AA should come up after you have established that your date is a potential serious relationship/future mate. This topic is seldom one that would naturally be discussed on the first date, just as the two of you are getting to know one another. This topic will come up naturally as the two of you become closer and able to discuss more intimate topics. Once you believe that your date is a person with whom you might have a future, it would be appropriate to have such serious discussions as how both of you feel about sex, marriage, babies, and the significant activities of your current life, such as your membership in AA. I seldom tell strangers that I am a member of AA, unless I believe that such information can be useful to them or someone else. There is no doubt whatsoever in my mind that an alcoholic and a nonalcoholic can have a wonderful, happy, and successful relationship/marriage. I see such examples among many of my friends and family. The problems that I see that doom relationships are often when one partner, for example, wants to have kids and the other does not, and neither side will budge......This is a good example of neither partner being able to meet the requirements of the other partner. Once, when I was scanning an online dating service in preparation for writing an article, I saw a woman who listed as one of her requirements in a partner that they NOT be a member of any 12-step group. If you ever find yourself dating a man who has already decided that he does not want to be involved with anyone in a 12 step program, then it is a good idea to move on and date another. You cannot meet his requirement that his date not be a 12 step member, and it is almost always fruitless to try to change someone's mind. I have found that most singles are pretty open minded, and a man who finds you attractive will most likely still find you attractive when he learns of your membership in AA. You already know, don't you, that men will find you much more attractive as a member of AA then as a wet drunk! I will tell you honestly that if I were single (I am happily married to a non-alcoholic!) and if my favorite actress told me that I could date her if I stopped attending AA, I would turn her down. The reason is simple - Women, without exception, found me loud, vulgar, obnoxious, and crude when I was drinking back in the 1960's, 1970's, and 1980's. The women of the 21st century, I'll bet, are pretty much the same in their preferance for a sober date/partner/husband! I'd lose her quickly if I pick up the first drink, anyway! Don't ever let anyone tell you that your romantic life would be even slightly better if you were to go back to drinking. It won't! In fact, dating and marriage to an active and still drinking alcoholic is almost always a mistake, because the alcoholic is already married to the bottle and will have no time for a human spouse! Don't drink, read the Big Book, and go to meetings, and you will be well on the path to finding your true love!
Member: Kim V
Time: 10:28:09 AM
Kim V here alcoholic. For me anything is possible, however this all depends on where I am in a relationship and if the other person drinks. I could not be in a relationship with someone who drinks because that would mean they did not put my recovery first. With out my soberity there is no relationship. If they were not willing to not drink I would ask my self do they like drinking more then they like me? This is a hard decision because even if this person didn't drink I would want my spouse to go to alanon and learn about the 12 steps as to have a more quality life. The 12 steps are qualities and values I would want to pass on to my daughter much like a religious person wanting to pass on things from the bible on to their children. For me after almost 7 years of soberity I still haven't been on a date. My daughter is still young and living at home and I also don't think I am well enough yet. I want to know that when I am ready that if I enter a relationship and start to see signs of dysfunction or unhealthy traits or things are not good that I could walk away immediately and not stay because I am lonely or needy. So for me I need to make sure I am ready. Thanks for letting me share. Kim V
Member: Pat H.
Location: No. Virginia
Time: 10:29:37 AM
I've been married to a non-alcoholic for 45 years now. He doesn't understand what this is all about,but he doesn't interfere.That's my experience. My hope would be that every one of us can pick a partner who is healthy enough to accept us as we are.Working a good program and living the principles can make us healthy enough to make good choices.
Member: Eric L
Location: Oakland County, MI
Time: 11:40:16 AM
Eric; alcoholic, this is something that I have been thinking about lately. I'm coming up on my year now and I am afraid to attempt it, mainly because of low self-confidence. I do have many prospects, however; and the question arises, do I go out with someone in the program, or do I date a "regular" woman? A couple of the woman that I'm comtemplating a date with do drink and they like it. They talk about partying and they remind me of me in my social drinking days, that's probably not good, huh. In my life right now, the nonalcoholic women drink quite often. At the other end of the spectrum, as I understand it, are women in the program. I have an idea of them as almost untouchable (probably my self-confidence again), I don't want to screw up their sobriety. I've heard so many stories about relationships and relapsing. It has also been my experience with other alcoholic relationships-though we weren't in "recovery." And do I want a relationship with someone with the hangups that I have? Although we are dealing with our hangups, aren't we? I guess I should remember to take one day at a time and not worry so much about the "what ifs." I do know that my sobriety comes first and anyone that wants me must have all of me, and allow my to do my thing without any flack about it. They also can not associate any fun things to do to include alcohol, in other words, if we are going out on the boat, we do not "need" alcohol. I guess a non-alcoholic would have to be one of those people that just drink at special occasions. Who and where are these people? I don't know any of them, that's probably my self-centeredness. I can't fathom it so I find it hard to believe. I am just going to try to allow God's will to guide me and hopefully I'll find the right person.
Location: Mentone, CA
Time: 11:55:58 AM
I have been wondering a lot about sober relationships. The fourth step says we had an utter inability to have an equal relationship with anothr human being. I've been divorced twice--once while drinking and once with 13 years sober--I now get on reasonably well with both ex's. I am now in my 15th year of sobriety and am examining the difference between loneliness and love--recognizing I don't know too much of the difference between these, and I am willing to grow. That's what I was told when I got here..."Willingness is the key..." A program of infinite growth!!!! Be well.
Location: Sierra Vista, Arizona
Time: 11:56:13 AM
HI. Bill here alcoholic from Arizona. Great topic Mary B. and the answer to your question is YES. We have to remember that most alcoholics are selfish and self centered. Heck. We can not be alcoholic without being selfish and self centered. Most alcoholic, for this very reason do not do relationships well. Unfortunately I lost a wife because of my drinking and I lost a second wife because I stopped drinking. The main reason for that was I got into recovery and she did not. So the "serious" relationship begins with Step one. Or I should say...learning how to get involved in a serious relationship. AA helps build relationships. In some cases a relationship with a non-alcoholic may be easier to develop that one with an alcoholic... even in recovery. :) The one thing I would highly suggest that your non-alcoholic partner consider Al-Anon. There he/she would be able to get a pretty good toe hold on understanding alcoholism. God bless you and I wish you the best...Take care. Bill email@example.com
Member: Bruce N.
Time: 1:09:37 PM
Bruce here...an alcoholic. What a good topic to discuss. My experience has shown me that wether a person is an alchy or not doesn't necessarily mean they are well or that they don't understand my delima. It's amazing to me how God made us "not perfect" so we could understand each other if we just dig deep enough and get honest with ourselves. I was married for 10 years to a no-alcholic and we divorced because of the drinking and all that goes along with it. After the divorce I began going to AA and sobered up. She began attending Al-Onon and church and began her own journey to recovery and health. After 2 years of growing we decided to give the relationship another try and have been remarried now going on 17 years. We are both still active in recovery and love each other very much. The key has been love and a God we both agree with. I realize this doesn't work for everybody and woudn't want anyone else to go through some of things we went through to get here,but, if there is a glimmer of hope left then God can and will provide one day at a time. By the way, John in Texas, enjoyed the research you've done over the years but was wondering what happened to the personal experience? God Bless....
Time: 1:42:19 PM
ED here.alcoholic Been married 35 yrs. She's as hard headed as I am soft.Still she puts up with me.I think this is trust. I refuse to let this beat me or us. Just wish this thing was a physical thing. I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to kick my own ass more to all reading:have a good evening,i will screwed,but sober. ED
Member: Ron L
Location: Winnipeg. Man. Can.
Time: 2:02:08 PM
My names Ron and Im an alcoholic. What a great question.... Now if only I was a marriage counselor.....or even a statistician. That would be a question that I would refer to a clairvoyant who might look into the future 30 or 40 years and give us all an educated answer. As it is Im only an alcoholic who attends A.A. meetings and will be getting his 30 year cake this evening. Not nearly long enough to even give a hap"hazard answer sorry
Time: 2:07:30 PM
ED here.alcoholic Been married 35 yrs. She's as hard headed as I am soft.Still she puts up with me.I think this is trust. I refuse to let this beat me or us. Just wish this thing was a physical thing. I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to kick my own ass more to all reading:have a good evening,I misspoke, still screwed but still sober Been screwed before most likely again. Won't stand for this however,must beat this thing. For Laura anyway and myself. But she is first. The non-alcoholic partner of me. I'm sure she's tired of my shit,I'm gonna keep trying.Without her I'm nothing
Member: Dennis K
Time: 2:35:07 PM
Hi, Dennis K alcoholic here. I've been married 15 years and 4 months, and I've been sober 63 days. Somehow my wife stayed with me for 15 years and 2 months when I'd get drunk, act stupid, and embarrass both of us. She knows recovery isn't easy, but I'm gaining back her trust and she is so much more peaceful now that I don't drink. She has a glass of wine nearly every night. But she knows I can't do that, because I'm alergic to the stuff and would end up getting drunk most of the time. In many ways the last 2 months have been the best of our marriage, and I look forward to it to keep getting better. Thanks to my HP and my wife's understanding, we have a great, loving, fun, and meaningful relationship. I think you're right Pat H, if you find a partner healthy enough to accept you as you are, it can work very well. A great sober 24 to everyone.
Time: 3:51:25 PM
I can NOT imagine why any normal person would want to get themselves mixed up with anyone in ANY 12 step fellowship. People in general have more bagage then we are interested in. Anyone getting involved with a drunk does so it their own peril.
Time: 4:25:09 PM
Hey, Norm, your full of shit. I wasn't a drunk 35years ago. The peril you speak-of is acquired. I know I acquired it. There isn't a co-dependency problem. Just mine, I am going through this for her (and me, just to keep her). If not for her, I would just give up and
Member: Lisa S.
Time: 4:45:53 PM
I have been married to a non-alcoholic for almost 19 years. He has never gone to Al-anon and doesn't want to. He likes to come home on a Friday after work and have a beer. I need to remember that I am the alcoholic. His having a beer every now and then doesn't bother me. Alcohol is not a part of my life anymore and I will not hide from it. Our marraige consists of alot more than my alcoholism. We learn how to work these principles in all our affairs. As a matter of fact, our conversations have little to do with "my" alcoholism. This program has given me a full life with many interests which I can share with my family. While drinking most of my conversations revolved around alcohol related topics, not today. I believe for myself that just like my recovery, my marraige will only be as good as the time and effort I put into it. As with other member's stories, I try to focus on what my husband and I have in common, instead of what we don't.
Member: To Will R
Location: Sierra Vista, Arizona
Time: 4:55:35 PM
Location: Sierra Vista, Arizona
Time: 5:00:44 PM
Sorry I goofed something up Bill here Alcoholic from Arizona.. Thanks Ed for you comment. And thanks to Lisa and all the other positive shares. AA builds relationships. It does not destroy them. Thank you all Bill...firstname.lastname@example.org
Member: Chris T
Location: San Diego CA
Time: 9:02:25 PM
My name is Chris and I am an alcoholic. Congrats Ron on 30 years. As to the question posed, we can be great in all we do if we practice these principals in all our affairs. I learned to be loving and kind to my wife in AA. My experience has been that my AA friends make great partners to non alcohlics and alcoholics in recovery. I share my AA experinces with almost everyone. I'm only as sick as my secrets. Many times when I tell people I'm in recovery, either they need help or a relative or friend does. this is an oppertunity for me to help other alcoholics, my main purpose along with staying sober. I can't be in AA, I have to live AA. EVERY DAY
Member: Bleeding Deacon
Location: Soap Box
Time: 11:18:22 PM
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
Location: lorain ohio
Time: 11:34:34 PM
HAY today I can say stick with men stick with men women stick with women in the program . I was there in the program then gone for a year here I got eight mouths today I stay today not fun getting the sun of gun after you see stay here my son has no phone he calls when he can love him to with all my heart but his mom come deams me at some time be cause she has one two drinks that it is ok . I got eight month today no drugs but getting the program thanks and god bless all and pray to higher power go night
Member: Bill W
Time: 11:50:08 PM
Hopefully our "Bleeding Deacon" will survive and become an "Elder Statesman". 12x12, page 135.
Location: San Diego
Time: 1:22:17 AM
If we make it to November my wife and I will celebrate 46 years of being married to each other and she is not an alcoholic.
Member: Elder S 2
Time: 1:27:51 AM
A.A, members dating other A.A. members, isn't that like dating your brother or sister. STOP, is that why you go to A.A. If you must then both must be sick. Two sickies don't make one goodie. Go to church or go to school, keep it out of A.A. please.
Member: Liz S.
Time: 2:09:30 AM
an excellent topic indeed. here's my story: when i was three years sober i met a man who got sober "on the couch" and had been sober much longer than i but didn't do it through it AA. rather quickly i learned that everyone has their own path and altho mine is through the Program and Fellowship, his is not. he does not drink, he works his stuff much like i do, and he more than appreciates my membership in AA, giving me flowers every year on my anniversary, understanding the time i spend "giving it away" in order to "keep it", my meeting schedule. this man is an non active alchoholic, and who am i to say how he should deal with it? our relationship grows stronger day by day because we both try, to the best of our abilities, to practice our principles in all our affairs and in our couplehood. i am so grateful, and so lucky. i personally think i would have a very hard time being with someone who drank, even socially, since social drinkers make it look so easy, whereas when i am around active drunks (very rarely) i can easily think: there but for the grace of god .........i have seen, over and over again, the damage occuring in couples where one is sober and one is not. i couldn't do it, myself. i need AA like i need air to breathe and my man doesn't drink, is supportive and knows that if either one of us had been actively using at the time we met, we would not be together today. when i was new in the program, i thought my life as a woman was done for, since all i knew about men i learned from booze and bars. what a gift to be where i am today. happy 24 to all -
Member: Erma G.
Time: 2:49:01 AM
Wow...this topic seems to have hit some raw nerves.Whatever happened to Live and let Live.My experience is that I met my husband in AA.We became friends and did things together but kept our pants on and got to know each other before moving on to the next phase of the relationship.We've been a couple for almost 19 years and married for the past 5 years.It ain't perfect but I've been married before and it wasn't perfect either.If someone is loving,respectful and responsible it doesn't seem that they would do anything to endanger my well being in any way...not just concerning my Alcoholism and what I need to do to maintain my sobriety.There's no magic formula for any relationship because everybody has their own past,present and future that is between them and their higher power.One day at a time I try not to take his inventory and to practice the principles in ALL my affairs.I can do anything I want in sobriety as long as I don't compromise my program.We all have a God given free will to use...I need guidance in using mine and I get it from AA and my God.The fundamental building blocks of a good relationship have nothing to do with alcohol or no alcohol.Enough said...I'll let the rest of you fight it out.
Time: 8:10:18 AM
When i first went to AA my husband was relieved because he was at his wits end, but within a couple of wks of being sober, i created any problem there was, because i was jealous that he could drink, he didn't understand at first but attended family day at my treatment centre and when he was educated about alcoholism , myself include, it saw things in a diffferent light, and himself has helped make it easier for me by just changing little things about his drinking, and now we are so close and understanding about each others needs around alcohol that its rejuvernated our feelings for each other, but that is just my story
Member: Cyndi A
Location: Flat Rock, MI
Time: 9:49:40 AM
Cyndi here, alcholic. I have been with a non-alcholic for almost 11 years now. He drinks socially. The diffrenece between the two of us is that he can put the cap back on the bottle and walk away abruptly. I CAN'T. Living with a non-alcholic can be very encouraging, considering that they are very supportive whether thay understand or not. Honestly, its not fair to inconvience someone that truely does,not have a problem. Our alcholism is our responsibility
Member: Bob B
Time: 9:55:41 AM
Hi, Bob here and I'm an alcoholic. I'm 30 years married to an 'earthwoman' (my word for normal drinkers) and am now six months sober through AA. In the last few years of my drinking I admit that I couldn't have cared less about my relationship. I would have prefered it if my wife had left me. I must admit that when I was getting sober I thought she should leave me and was terrified to face her. This lasted the first couple of months of sobriety. She was understandably mad with me anyway but she found it even harder to handle the change in me that happened through AA. (That's this time when I finally got the message - not the two years I'd been dipping my toe in the AA pool and continuing a dry/wet cycle like some demented washing machine) Thank God a friend cajoled her into going to Al-anon. I resented this at first but it has proven to help her enormously. She now understands where I'm coming from and gives me space. 'Disengaged with love' I think is the phrase. Now some months later we discuss things in a more mature manner and respect each other more. She still drinks socially but is considerate enough to consult with me first in case I think I'll get upset. I'm beginning to think I might be in love in the very real meaning of the word.
Member: Craig L (Dogmanor@yahoo.com)
Location: Aloha, Oregon
Time: 10:45:53 AM
Craig here another REAL alcoholic (page 21) I have been sober some time now, but I still sleep alone, so when I saw the topic I thought I had nothing to contribute. I have observed that "my boys" who jump into relationships are usually drunk soon afterward, whether it be with another drunk or not. I usually suggest as with many things "If it's a good idea today, then it will be a good idea in 6 months. I have also heard "we alcoholics don't have relationships, we take hostages". Personally if I have to think too much I'm gonna get into trouble. I speak to other alcoholics and pay special attention to those things I don't like hearing. Should God ever bring me a life partner I would hope I could enrich his life rather than use him for what I could get.
Member: JULES M
Time: 10:59:41 AM
HI LYN, I LIKE YOU OFTEN WONDER ABOUT PARTNERS. I AM A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC AND LIVE IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO STILL GOES TO BARS AND DRINKS. WE BOUGHT OUR HOME TOGETHER AND NEITHER WANTS TO LEAVE, BUT MY HIGHER POWER HAS TAUGHT ME TO LOVE MY WORK AND ENJOY MY LIFE ONE DAY AT A TIME. I FEEL I WOULD BE MUCH HAPPIER IF MY PARTNER DIDN'T DRINK, BUT WE CAN NOT CHANGE THE WAY PEOPLE THINK. ALL THAT COUNTS FOR ME RIGHT NOW IS I HAVE A CHOICE TO DRINK OR NOT. AND TODAY I CHOOSE NOT TOO. MY PARTNER ACCEPTS MY NOT DRINKING AND DOES NOT ENCOURAGE ME TO DRINK BUT FEEL HIS STOPPING AT THE BAR EVERY DAY FOR A FEW BEER WITH HIS BUDDIES IS HIS THOUGHT AND I CAN LIVE WITH THAT. I AM ONLY 6 MONTHS SOBER BUT GETTING BETTER ONE DAY AT A TIME. I ENJOY GOING TO WORK AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT MY PARTNER DOES. I PRAY FOR HIM AND LET GO. I THINK IF I WERE SINGLE AND LOOKING FOR A PARTNER AGAIN IT WOULD DEFINATLY BE A NON ALCOHOLIC. I KNOW YOU DON'T DATE PEOPLE IN THE SAME PROGRAM, THINK OF YOU FIRST.
Member: Cyndi A
Location: Flat Rock, MI
Time: 11:34:21 AM
Jules you hit the nail right on the head. For today I choose not to drink. Beautiful inspiration. LET GO AND LET GOD
Member: peter s
Time: 11:37:04 AM
You gotta laugh. i spoke to my sponsor about this very subject last weekend. I am 12 years sober and married to a non alkie and he is 30 years sober and lives with a non alkie. We niether have the slightest problem. He did say though that the other week she had 5or6 glasses of wine at a dinner party,i asked him how he felt about that? He replied that he thought she might get her knickers off that night if he was lucky! rule 62 applies.
Member: Barry L
Time: 3:31:41 PM
Mary....wonderfull subject. i have a relationship with a non-alcoholic whilst drinking and with the same person upto the present in sobriety.does she "understand" my "problem"? i am not sure.Having talked openly and honestly with her extensively.(something i never did in drinking times)She does by her own words however understand what i have to do on a dialy basis and attendance at meetings on a regular basis, for that i am greatfull..... our relationship has grown stronger the more "I" practice these principals in ALL "my" affairs,not just in MEETINGS but in life and aspecially.......AT HOME. SAFE 24.....everybody
Member: Neale W
Time: 4:19:56 PM
My name is Neale etc etc.... just split up with a girl I was seeing for five years when I was out there. We parted a few years ago, I got sober and after a year or so into my programme we got back together, it lasted just two years, ended up hating each other. Guess she didnt like me sober, guess I could see her as she really was. The right one is out there, God has got her lined up for me. Keep it real!!!
Time: 5:50:58 PM
What is the most popular second date between two alcoholics? Answer: Moving in together!
Member: Greg S.
Location: Okawville, IL, USA
Time: 10:19:21 PM
Hi all -I'm Greg & I'm an alcoholic. Ermma G. - great, inciteful post ! Mike, stop it, you're killin' me ! No, wait, that was alcohol...Thanks,God, for another 24 without booze!!!
Member: Sharon G.
Time: 1:16:03 AM
If there is one thing I have learned in this program,it is that nothing happens by mistake. I have made alot of them through the past 15 years in and out of AA and I can definately say I have learned alot about myself and others through attempting to have relationships and being a part of rather than apart from no matter how sick they started out being,over much time my relationships with others have become priceless.
Member: Donna B
Location: Fort Lewis WA
Time: 2:16:16 AM
DonnaB powerless over alcohol--I just celebrated 14 years sober last week. I have been married to an alcoholic I met in the program 8 years ago. We have two beautiful kids ages 5 and 4. We have our ups and downs naturally like everyone but we love each other and try never to forget that. I did a lot of dating in AA before I met my husband. Most of those relationships didn't work out obviously. The funny thing was that when I gave up and stopped looking for prince charming every where a real person appeared in my life. I thank my higher power for AA and AA for giving me the capacity to love!!!!
Time: 3:49:33 AM
anitra alcohol, ive been with a non-alcoholic for about 3 months now and he understands what i have to do is behind me 100%. very supportive. even though we dont live together he is still there for me. and since we have gotten closer to each other i confide in him and it has became easier for me not to drink. cause im not just doing it for me and my daughter but for us too. keep the faith and yes this can happen for anyone else too. thanks bye for now
Time: 7:02:28 AM
Vee here, alcoholic, and sure grateful my spouse of 35 yrs. isn't in the program or even alanon 'cause he's the type that likes to run things, if you know what I mean, and he'd probably be running my program for me, just based on past performance. So I try to keep it active and own it and things seem to work out so far one day at a time. Live and Let Live is very good for us. I had and have to learn a lot about detachment with love and am still studying the subject daily. God gave me these lessons to learn. My sobriety and my relationships are worth the tuition. Someone up there said marriage consists of a lot more than my alcoholism. You Bet! Of that's all we had we'd be pretty poor indeed. We have a history and a future together one day at a time come what may we will deal with it individually or as a couple. I'm grateful I don't have to share his athletes foot and jock itch and I'm sure he's glad to leave alcoholism up to me. I'm very grateful I didn't make a huge issue of it and try to talk him into alanon. Thanks for being here for me today.
Member: Wombat Lenny S
Location: Morisset, Australia
Time: 7:18:31 AM
I feel terrible, Im 29 years sober in 2 weeks and my wife is almost 21 years sober. We meet in AA and we are still together and love each other more than ever before. I feel guilty about it now after reading some of the comments. Do you think it will work. Been married 20 years.
Time: 7:50:57 AM
J-Rae here, alcoholic... Great topic, great shares. I can only share my experience... I did the 'girl meets boy on AA campus' thing... that didn't work. (Neither one of us grasped the suggestion not to date within the first year...go figure. Then, about a yr. later, I dated an alcoholic who didn't get sober in AA. It went okay for a while, but I was still pretty 'green' in the program, I resented the fact that he could not drink without AA. Well, after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant.. we have a beautiful little girl together... but we are not together... he has a wonderful girlfriend who lives with him and on his weekends with the baby, she does most of the caretaking for the baby, and I am SO Grateful for that... I can accept it all. Relationship #3...dated another alcoholic from my home group... and yes, I truly can identify it WAS like dating my brother... needless to say, that didn't work out. NOT my experience, but what I've witnessed... I have seen others in the program who have met their soulmates in AA, and are happily married, and others who are with non-alcoholics, who are happily married too. For me, I have set some new ideals for myself and work toward them and am NOT looking for a relationship at the present time. (Well, honestly speaking, I do glance once in a while, but that's it). I guess it all boils down to...I learn what NOT to do as well as what TO do in this program... I can listen to Experience Stregth and Hope from others today without having to 'try out' all the wrong ways of doing things. I can pray for guidance every day from my Higher Power to show me the next right thing to do, be true to myself, and trust that "If God brought me to it, He will see me through it" Thanks for a great topic, and for letting me share.
Time: 11:21:20 AM
Help! I am ready to scream!!! It's in the book! Something about haveing a better chance of developeing good quality relationships or increaseing the happiness of an existing one, ONCE YOU GET SOBER AND STAY SOBER. It say's it's when boy meets girl on AA campus that things go bad. It's in the book! Big issue for me, I ave been sober for four years and left a very long abusive relationship when I got sober. Haven't had a relationship, some unsuccessful dateing and it's a learning proccess, just like eveything else. I don't know if my future partner will be in the rooms or an earthling, hell, I don't even know if I'll ever have a significant other. I try, repeat- try to stay in today. It is difficult, I feel lonely sometimes, I feel like I am missing out on something sometimes. Guess what? The answer to that is in the book too! FOR JOHN O'L: I have no idea how to go about finding a potential partner, my personal experience, men hit on me more and found me more attractive when I was a slutty drunk. Whoa, I have alot more work to do before I am happy with my self! Too often people in AA are taught that under every skirt is a slip. Of course there is good reason to not start a new relationship early in sobriety. But excuse me, nowhere in the Big Book does it say that in order to stay sober, you must become a monk and a martyr. The Joy Of Good Liveing..God show me the way!!! Sorry everyone, caught me on a bad day. SuzyQ
Member: Rich P
Time: 12:21:22 PM
Yes, any 2 people in love who respect each other ,and are willing to be individuals first and a couple second, can make it work. I was married 10 years to a normie before I got sober. I had heard of a lot of couples where the alkie got sober and then they got divorced, so I was worried. The problems for us have been that as I got less selfish, she noticed just how selfish I had been and THEN she got pissed! I am doing more around the house, taking on more of the childcare, etc. and she's thinking, "Hey this should have been happening all along!" But it is happening today and I feel she has a right to be angry, so I just try to keep my side of the street clean. Luckily she is as even tempered as I am moody (less moody this days without my daily depressant) and we love each other very much. I thank God everyday for putting her in my life, and I tell her that too. Peace
Location: West Coast
Time: 12:48:57 PM
Stacy, alcoholic. 23 days. My husband is not. We've had trouble in our marriage wilst I was drinking. Things are improving now that I'm not, but I am scared of how our relationship will be in the future. I'm learning that I have acting as a child for years. In so many ways I never matured to become the woman God meant me to be. Now I'm ready to do that (with this program)and I fear that I will change and that the dynamics of our relationship will change. One day at a time I'm just working on myself and trying to love hime and our children better than I was when drinking.
Member: Joe P
Time: 1:07:56 PM
My name is Joe and I am an alcoholic. So, should I start a relationship with a woman in recovery or a “normie” woman? LOL, the answer is neither, because I am already married. My wife happens to be a non-alcoholic (apparently) who drinks 1-2 glasses of wine 2-4 times weekly. She started in Al-Anon after I came into AA. Her drinking is a non-issue for me (except I do not like to kiss her immediately after she has had a drink of alcohol). We’ve been married almost 12 years, the last 4 of which I have been sober. At this point, issues we have are simply our issues, and not necessarily related to alcoholism and recovery. We would probably have these issues regardless of our alcoholism and recovery statuses. I know that none of it would matter to me if I am not sober. And I truly believe that if we place sobriety first and allow the 12 Steps to effect a change in us, then our relationships have a chance regardless of who we are with.
Time: 2:17:12 PM
I wish the bleeding deacons would just bleed out and leave us in peace.
Time: 2:20:09 PM
You know the longer i'm sober the simpler it is. Trust god, clean house and help others, and god could and would if he were sought(the steps), but i gotta stop meddling in your OWN (affairs) no pun intended. lol. a relationship with god, then yourself, then possibly a good one with another, and it will never be perfect; thankyou god for that.. and if it is,, run for the hills, cause if your well enough you should never be IMPRESSED to the point of addiction eh? if you get what i mean. it could be manipulation and that's not real. And i swear..if i ever feel it a (('one day at a time thing')) to NOT take my significant others inventory.. i'll shoot myself.. cause its co-dependant.. and co-dependancy should be called abuse as far as i am concerned..because its very destructive, damaging and sickening, Imagine! ((getting into someone elses space.. and trying to play god there.. lord love us, i did it for years, very subtle, you know buying stuff for people, giving what you should keep, and all that stuff. then feeling jipped when they didn't fall 'under my control" then acting out on it.. iiieeehhhh!!!! ya i'm sure that'll work out nicely in a marriage or friendship. The longer i am hear the simpler it gets.. thank god.
Member: Melanie F.
Location: Akron, Ohio, USA
Time: 2:29:52 PM
Hi Friends, I'm Melanie, an alcoholic. I'm married to the same man that I married when I was using. It's funny how when I got sober, he became less of an a**hole! My loving hubby is a non alcoholic who drinks rarely. He doesn't understand my disease, but he knows what it can do. The most important thing is that he doesn't understand the cure, but he knows the need for it. My advice is this; after that first year, you must be able to know and love yourself before you attempt to know and love another. Keep working that program and God will take care of the rest. Love and blessings to ALL!
Member: Susan A.
Location: Vernon, Connecticut
Time: 3:02:29 PM
Hi all, I'm Susan and I'm an Alcoholic. Wombat Lenny, you're a card! Thanks for the topic, Mary B. Yes, I think you can have a meaningful relationship with whomever you want. I believe when I'm asking what I can -bring- to the partnership, not what the man is going to bring to -me-, then I'm on the right track. I have non-program friends who don't understand my disease of alcoholism, and we get along great. Today, I attract the kind of people who care about me, same as I care about them. If they aren't that type, they aren't in my life long. If they are caring, then it doesn't matter if we are both fallible - I can use with them (and towards me) the same patience, tolerance and acceptance I'd show another drunk. The story was -much- different when I was drinking, and even later in sobriety, when I was trying to act sober, but still not taking good care of myself. Lots of abuse, going both ways. Early in sobriety, I stayed out of relationships because my sponsor said so, and I wanted what she had. It helped alot, but -boy- was I glad when she gave me the green light to date! She actually fixed me up on my first sober date, and helped 'baby step' me through it. (I started drinking early, and I'd never dated as a teen; mostly I jumped in bed with whatever man said 'come hither'). Learning to love me, and then be a friend/date/partner, these are just more gifts God's allowing me on this wonderful journey of sober living. Thanks, God. Thanks all for being here.
Member: neil s.
Location: suffolk, england
Time: 4:48:05 PM
hi all, neil here alcoholic from england, i have a question for some of the "seasoned" AAers, do you feel that al-anon or any other form would help our significant others to understand what we and others are going through ??, just asking because i have been with my wife for going on 13 years, married 10, and it seems that it doesn't matter to her if i get sober or drink, even when i'm serious about it, i remember i came back from my first AA meeting and she was having a "girl" gathering with lots of beer, other than staying sober, how can i show her i'm serious ?? thanks, may we all do it JUST FOR TODAY !!
Member: Pip W
Time: 5:02:18 PM
When i first seen the topic i thought good,as ive been wondering about this,not for now but what would happen,if it happened in the far future. 3 mths ago,my 12 yr marriage split up,i got sober,he never drank but choose to keep using. i cant imagine being with someone who drinks or uses just now,but i think that is down,to it being still early in my recovery. So it gives me hope from what im reading,that the bottom line is, how we respect and treat each other,regardless of being with someone in recovery or non alkie. ((Susan A)) reading your post made me realise that havent done any dating in my life,i started drinking early,and who i woke up with and if we still liked what we saw, hey, that was the relationship start up,no getting to know each other first. ((Stacy)) i can relate to what you said about never matured,i am just starting to emotional mature,still have my stoppy teen moments, Want to get to know and like me first, Some really good posts,
Member: harold martin
Location: warren mi
Time: 7:04:25 PM
hi everyone i'm alcoholic i need some help i tried to get butnobody what to help me to get sober so i came on here to what it is like.
Member: steve p
Location: west virginia
Time: 8:31:29 PM
steve here and i dont know what i should do. i am 21 and in college and i like to stay sober but my girlfriend drinks. and she gets out of controll and goes on rages and is very meaqn to me. i dont know if she means these things that she says but it hurts.
Member: Matt W.
Location: Dry Shities WA.
Time: 8:44:56 PM
Mattdogg here and i would like to add to the subject of marriage and relationships with non alcoholics. let me just say this if you are not drinking and your better half doesn't drink then what the hell could the problem be. seems to me there would be many other issures to worry about. think about it. oh yeah hey Shawna house it hangin?
Time: 11:15:31 PM
Q: How can you tell when two alcoholics are on their second date? A: There's a moving van parked in one of their driveways. Grapevine: pg 58 May 2003. What is it, Love or Lust?
Member: Melanie Again
Location: Ohio, USA
Time: 12:55:39 AM
Hi Harold! Keep coming back and be sure to check out the Early Sobriety page. Call the A.A. phone number in the yellow pages. There you will find someone who understands and wants to help. Hi Steve! When my husband nearly left me, I woke up and got treatment. Tell the girl how you feel and if nothing changes then GET OUT! She won't quit until she's "hit bottom" and it only gets worse until then. And don't feel responsible for her, we all know the alcohol problem is ours not our loved one's. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Todd D.
Location: Park City UT
Time: 1:01:59 AM
Todd alcoholic. I have been married to my wife for 20 years now. We have 3 beautiful daughters together. My wife is a nonalcoholic and could always drink in control. She could leave 1/2 a drink on the table and not even think twice about it. An ability that normal people have that never ceases to amaze me. She tried alanon and decided it wasn't for her. All her and my girls know is by me working my program, I am a better husband and father. They seem to like being around me more and as a sober husband and father, I love being with them. Thank you and I will take another 24.
Member: Chris H.
Time: 6:10:46 AM
Chris H. here an alcoholic. Well Mary B. that sure is a great topic for me. I read everyone's post, and wish I'd have read John O'L's book awhile back. Pat H. yeah, gotta agree. Okay, I've got 19 years and a few days, and almost as much time married. I got into a relationship in my first year. A big no no, but I was honest with her and told her and her parents up front that I was an alcoholic. So that relationship lasted quite awhile. I'll tell you what, she's a normie and doesn't drink. She went to one alanon meeting 19 years ago and said that was enough for her. She accepted that I was an alcoholic, and didn't mess with my going to meetings. You know what, I think it can work, but for me it was year after year of mis-communication, and mis-understanding. Like a lot of couples we went to dozens of marriage counselors. We've split, and gotten back a number of times, real wishy-washy back and forth stuff as one old fling used to tell me. So what's the point? I wish I could have related to her in my heart the way I can with a female member of AA who knows my soul like her hand. Now that's been a problem too, because once when we had split I fell madly in love with a woman in the program. She had time, I had time and we were both sober. Well, two alcoholics in love is a weird thing, because we can pull on each other's hearts like none others, but we also can feed each other's disease when we're off and can really confound our sobriety. You want drama, try two dry drunks in intimate codependent battle! You'd be better off on a deserted island. Normies, on the other hand, are quite even keeled, but rarely will rock our heart strings like a good AA can. Just love alcoholic women. So where has that left me. Well, like one of the posts above, we're a group of people with self will run riot, so I'm better off praying to my higher power for guidance, and like the woman I once fell in love with in the program always used to tell me, "to thine own self be true." Cheers to sobriety, what a ride! Chris
Time: 6:30:34 AM
T-Bone here a grateful one day at a time drunk. Thanks for letting me be here. I don't know about the rest of you but when I was active in my addictions, I always thought that the "next" relationship was the one that was going to make me change my ways and become a responsible drunk. And, it always did for awhile. For awhile I would cut back and think " I can do this", and then what, you got it complacency! Then what arrogance! Then what,back to old ways, then guilt, then push them away so "they" don't get hurt, (yeah right), then back to old friends and old ways until the next Miss right comes along. Lot's of amends where old flames are concerned. There is a reason for staying away from relationships for at least a year into recovery and that reason is learning about ourselves and how to cope. Thanks and God bless.
Member: Dry in the Desert
Time: 7:55:54 AM
Good Morning Everyone, my name is Walter and I am an Alcoholic… I think the whole “alcoholic relationship” topic is nicely addressed in the country song ‘YOU AIN’T NO FUN SINCE I QUIT DRINKIN’” funny, but often true! If I may go off topic for a moment and thank all at STAYING CYBER for being here for me……for many years I have been living and working in a remote area making daily meetings an impossibility, so I consider this is my home group……I sit here in the “back row” with my coffee every morning “listening” to the sharing. With your help, I am celebrating 14 years of sobriety today. Welcome to all the newcomers and I wish each of you the joys of sobriety that I’ve enjoyed. Keep Coming Back !
Member: Marsha L
Time: 9:26:27 AM
Hi and my name is Marsha from Michigan. I am married to a non alcoholic. No he doesn't understand me or the disease beyond the point that drinking just one made me a very nasty person. Understanding my problem is something that I don't expect of him. He has done well enough to have stayed with me 12 years. One of the reasons that I have quit drinking is to give him a better life and be a better person for my family. Now if I can only get over the guilt.
Member: Cyndi A
Location: Flat Rock, MI
Time: 10:01:42 AM
Harold, please e-mail me. I'd love to talk to you. Together we can help each other. You always have friends in AA. email@example.com
Member: Diane B
Time: 10:07:51 AM
Hi Diane here 36 days sober I've been married 32 years, we both drank he seemed more in control then I did at one point he use to hide his bottles all over the house and if we would start to run out he would run buy some more. Then one day he started waiting to drink till 7 at night he stopped the all day drinking and driving while drinking stuff. Then I tried many times to stop drinking and he would too once we lasted 9 months but did not really ever count my sober time like I do now. Now I finally decided I am a drunk and need to not take the first drink, well he drank at first and may be now but not letting me see it which I do appreciate so much. I can not speak for his sobriety I can only stay sober myself. I do know when I do see him drink it turns my stomach and I hate it when he has a buzz and starts to talk the happy talk that we all know we do when drinking. But I love him and he as far as I know is not drinking now. anyway with my 36 days I'm on my way and life is so much more clear when I don't take that first drink. Diane
Time: 10:52:29 AM
hi Harold mail me buddy! Neil S do it for yourself! you cant make your wife go to Al-anon and you dont need to get her approval! just keep doing what your doing and things will work out the best of luck buddy! Diane big 36 well done , regards L-RAY firstname.lastname@example.org
Time: 12:14:48 PM
sorry fdd, well done Walter,BIG 14 .Steve what you want boy a sober life or a drunk girlfriend! you decide, prayers, regards L-RAY
Time: 12:21:17 PM
: DRY IN THE DESERT, happy 14th !! WISHING YOU THE BEST AND ANOTHER 24 OF HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREEDOM FROM BONDAGE!! GOOD ON YA!
Member: Leah P.
Location: Rochester, MN
Time: 2:38:03 PM
Nice thread. I also know the "type" of alcoholic woman, even though she is sober, thinks that once she gets married and has kids, her life will be perfect. How many times have I heard "I don't need to go to meetings, I got a husband and kids" and then proceeds to shove thew fact that she is married down the single female AA's throat, since she is so much better than us cause she has a man and we don't Frankly, I am not ready to date, nor I am I interested in anyone. I am really taken aback at 13th- stepping. In fact, the other day, someone got my number from the women's sponsor list at my home group and called me and asked me to a movie. It annoyed me. He may "want what I have and is willing to go to any length to get it" but I am not interested. anyway, that's my thoughts on that. and about dating normies??? I don't think a normie would be interested in someone like me, considering my past, and all the 345 different emotions I go through in one day. Also, AA is a HUGE chunk of my life, and I love it that way. A non 12-step memember may not understand that Thank you for another sober day
Member: neil s.
Location: suffolk, england
Time: 4:18:28 PM
hey all, neil, alcoholic here, hey "T -BONE" ever work on pools in florida ??
Member: Ray M
Time: 11:36:09 PM
Ray here,alcoholic Let the alcoholic continue his program day by day. When the time for living together has come, it will be apparent to both partys.Burn the idea into the consciousness of every person that they can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that they trust in their Higher Power and clean house. PEACE!
Time: 12:35:00 AM
To Slash nepa, Live and let live, one day at a time, think,think,think, One day at a time, but for the grace of GOD. We need the deacons, the elders, the newcomers, the one dayers to the hundred years. We all have a purpose. To learn from one another, To feed one another, to listen, not just hear, to help, but mostly walk side by side and be a friend.
Member: Don W.
Time: 1:30:32 AM
My name is Don and Im an alcoholic. Ive had four long term relationships in the last three months with girls who dont drink... I would say yes to your question and to the topic. Thats comming from a guy who is sober for 16 days
Member: jim l
Time: 2:07:06 AM
Hi, I'm a drunk and my enemy is jim. it is not possible to have a relationship when alcoholism is involved. any such relationship will be frought with misery. it is possible to have excellent relationships in recovery. though he came to scoff perhaps he remained to pray, or sumtin like dat.
Time: 6:02:52 AM
Neil, I have fallen into pools, snuck into pools, lost money in football pools and play a mean game of 9-ball. But, I have never worked in the pool business. T-Bone.
Location: big apple
Time: 6:46:48 AM
hi arleen here.. grateful alcoholic.. ok.i was active when married to my also sometimes active husband.. since the divorce n sobriety i have dated and been involved with both.. people in the program and people not.. whats important to me is all about the level of honesty and commonality.for me, anything is possible in sobriety.
Member: Lisa S
Time: 7:53:35 AM
I've been coming around these rooms for a little while now and I think I can honestly say that I haven't met one of these "types" of alcoholic women who want to appear so much better than single women. I can tell you that in my insanity, ego, and chip on my shoulder I thought people thought they were so much better than I was. I had to stop looking for reasons to be angry. There was a man in one of our groups who had quite good sobriety to whom everyone would listen. Because of my own ego, whenever he spoke, I shut my ears. I knew he was waiting for me to go back out. I did. When I came back and opened my ears, I heard the wisdom in his words. While drinking, I always felt different, that I wasn't accepted, or plain just didn't fit in. I don't need to find reasons to separate myself from others in this program i.e. I'm married, their single. We just have different circumstances that we deal with. I'm glad I stuck around to realize that the person who I am today is not the person I was in the past. I'm able to look at my past, accept it for what it was, and move on. I like to refer to the promises in the big book that we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it, plus no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. Thanks to AA, the steps and people in this program, I don't have 345 emotions in one day. In fact, if I don't tell you that I'm an alcoholic, you will never know that. I have a "normal" life today, I just don't drink normally. I have been given tools in this program so that I can live life on lifes terms and intuitavely know how to handle situations which used to baffle me (another promise). Congratulations Walter on 14 years of sobriety. I'll celebrate your birthday by buying myself some ice cream. As I lift the spoon to my mouth, I'll say, "Here's to you, Walter."
Member: Laura W.
Location: South Carolina
Time: 8:55:01 AM
Hi! I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. I married my non-alcoholic husband when I was drinking. Just before out 1st wedding anniversary I got sober. He goes with me to my meetings and works the program with me. He is very supportive and he quit drinking not long after I did. He definitely gets it and he is my best friend in recovery and many other ways. I do think though that it has alot to do with who I chose as my significant other. Thanks for letting me share!
Location: Mt Vernon.IL
Time: 9:36:06 AM
I am an alcoholic relationship with an alcohlic is intresting topic I was married for 30 yrs I drank all this time it was ok by my wife who was a non alcoholic but since i have been sober for the past 5yrs she choose to divorce me becouse she cant see me in control or have any power. She was in control during the period I was drinking I did not try to confront on any issues/ argue about any thing like money ect let her do her things regardless I liked it or not but now i hope with lesson learnt I will try to get into a relation with somebody who dont drink regardless how long it would take or just focus on my recovery and stay that way single.relationship with a non alocolic and my recovery is what i need no codependants or live a dependent life on somebody else.
Member: BRAD MATHERLY
Location: LOUISVILLE KY
Time: 2:41:42 PM
NOW THAT I'M SOBER,YES I WANT TO DATE A NON ALCO HOLIC BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WH O MIGHT RELAPSE ON ME NOT TO MENTION THAT IF WE WERE BOTH ALCOHOLICS AND GOT INTO AN ARGUEMENT WE COULD BOTH END UP RELAPSING BY PUSHING EACH OTHER'S BUTTONS REAL QUICKLY IT WOULD BE BETTER IF ONLY ONE OF US WAS AN ALCOHOLIC
Member: Sam P.
Location: Kaneohe, Hawaii
Time: 6:03:34 PM
Aloha! I've heard a lot about this question ove the years. I don;t believe there is one answer that is right for everybody. I have been sober for 11 years now, but my first time around in AA I got about 6 months and started drinking again, for about a year, before returning for good (God willing!). The first time around I was in the middle of a VERY difficult separation from a wife who had been diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. I'd been pretty much emotionally abandoned by her for a couple years at that point, and I was focused far more on finding someone to take her place than on getting and staying sober. As a result I looked at meetings as a plce to meet someone who shared a common problem, which is not putting priorities right (first things first!). With that outlook, my sobriety was doomed. Upon returning the second time I made the decision that I needed to stay alone until I was sober and had made things right with God and my fellow people. I made more female friends at AA meetings than I had ever had in my life, and with God's help I was able to focus on them as fellow alcoholics than as potential future wives. That made a lot of difference in keeping my focus. The at about a year and a half sober, after I was in shape to start going to church, I ran into a female AA acquaintance at our church. We started going out for coffee and talking about our spirituality, and we discovered that we had VERY common understanding of God. Without really thinking about it too much we started dating, and the God who had blessed us with sobriety through AA blessed us with a very strong, growing, healthy romance. This was the first romance I ever had that did not involve sex. We eventually were engaged, and today we are married; we did not have sex until our honeymoon. That's how it worked for me, and I'm very, very blessed with the outcome.
Member: Tom Q
Location: Reno, NV
Time: 7:16:06 PM
I think it might be good to have a relationship with someone with a similar background and experiences. However, I would think that both partners should have several years of sobriety before entering into such a relationship.
Member: siobhan c.
Time: 7:56:48 PM
siobhan, alcoholic. i do not believe your partner has to be either in aa or a recovering alcoholic for the relationship to work. my husband is not an alcoholic, but he does respect what i am doing with my life. by that i mean he does not drink around me, or bring alcohol into the house. i do not push sobriety on him because the man is blessedly free of the disease:alcoholism. my sobriety is my responsibility, but it is easier knowing my partner understands, to some extent, and respects me enough to make the effort to minimize my exposure to alcohol through him. as long as we communicate and continue to respect each other, i have to believe our relationship will work. good luck, God bless.
Time: 1:37:33 PM
My wife managed to put up with my behavior for over 20 years while I was slipping deeper and deeper into our disease. She may not understand me Sober (15 months)either but she appreciates the change and supports what I need to do. Looks like our marriage will make another 24hrs too.
Member: charlotte g
Location: bennington, vermont
Time: 7:02:25 PM
i am an alcoholic. i have been clean for almost 9 years and i still find it hard to stay sober, but i stay away from people that drink, and get a lot of counceling, i drank for over 20 years , every day, it was very hard to quit, but it was getting me no where, i had nothing, no i have more, and i am happier, i know what i did the night before , i just want to say , keep up the good work , i can't say it gets easier , but it is worth it.i could tell you a lot more , but thats it for now,
Member: Hugh M
Location: alberta canada
Time: 7:41:00 PM
Hi Im Hugh and I am an alcoholic it tells us in the big book about relationships and what we may think is good for us maybe not. I would be very careful about our own sobriety and maybe give it a little more time and be friends just another alkie opinion turn it over to a higher power thanks hugh
Location: The Beach
Time: 11:06:10 PM
Been married to a normie for 20 years. Just sober the past three. She really is a non drinker, just never liked the stuff, taste or effect. Me on the other hand was up to almost a liter of vodka a day. Our relationship has grown so much over the past three years it is unbelievable. It's kind of like puppy love with experience. We laugh and talk and are really in tune with each other. That had all but died from my alcoholism. Life is great. Read The Family Afterward, it's in the book!
Time: 4:10:11 AM
Its like surfing..I say to a non-alcoholic.here comes a big wave want to ride it out with me??? she replys "WE GOT TO TALK FIRST" to an alcoholic I say here comes a big wave get on and lets ride it out she says okay. I ask if she wants to go again she says one of to things... OKAY.. or..GET LOST "I like alcoholics" YES I DO.
Location: S. Fl.
Time: 8:42:17 AM
Everything I have done in my life that I turned out to be no good at I quit! Well, it took me 30 some years but I relized some time ago that I was just not very good at drinking any more. Good as any reason I could think of to quit. Of course I had plenty of help from God and all of you guys. So when someone asks you why you quit drinking just tell them that " your just not any good at it anymore!" nuff said, let em ponder that for awhile, they won't ask again. (sorry off topic.) God bless.
Member: robert j.
Location: angel beach
Time: 10:25:25 AM
We all have strengths and weaknesses and when we can maintain sobriety we become stronger in the sense that at least we have made a decision,very similar to the kind of decision a normal person makes when he drinks or does'nt.( I had a non-alcoholic dog and we got along pretty good)
Member: Tom M.
Location: Homosassa, FL
Time: 3:40:43 PM
Hi everyone, Tom M. Alcoholic. Yes it is possible to have a realationship with an Non Alcoholic.However it will depend on how honest you both can be about your thoughts and feelings about the matter. If the non alcoholic is narrow minded and can't understand the concept of what an alcoholic has then NO it probably will not work. The Alcholic has a dease, he or she is, or has been sick. The alcoholic is not a bad person trying to get good. He or she is a sick person trying to get well. The sooner people start getting this, the better it is going to get for all of us. We don't turn our backs on friends or family who have dietabetes or some other sickness. We try to help them and understand what they are going through. If they are serious about getting help and getting well, we are right there to help them. It should be the same way for the alcoholic. Thanks for the opportunity. Tom M.
Member: DR. BOB
Time: 3:42:19 PM
But for the grace of God, 2 people in recovery must center God in their life, their home wrapped with Gods love, bond with their love for HIM, and each other, to do his will. Treat each other with support and space. Walk in the common good for mankind and A.A.Never to forget where they came and headed. Direction from above must come from within.
Member: Tammie L
Time: 9:47:41 PM
i came into the program 10 years ago and when i first come in they told me no relationships for the first year but i was 6 months sober when i met my fiance and he was 6 months sober too. we dated but i would not have a serious relationship with him till i had one year we are still together today and we both go to AA and most of the time we go to the same meetings, we have 2 children together but i will say this it is hard sometimes to have a relationship with someone in the program cause i find that on occasions he wants to work my program rather than his own and vise versa but overall we have a good relationship most of the time. i just take it one day at a time and call my sponsor alot lol. good luck in your adventure if you decide to have a relationship.
Member: Maria G
Time: 11:58:04 PM
Great topic - I'm new here and that ties in exactly with what was on my mind. I really think it just depends on the people involved. I am an alcoholic engaged & living with another alcoholic. He has 2 years, I have 8 months. We are having problems because he spends 8-10 hours at a time at AA. He comes home from work only long enough to shower, then heads out to his meetings & doesn't come home until after midnight. On weekends he leaves early in the morning, comes home a few hours in the afternoon and then is out past midnight again - every night of the week. Occasionally he says out all night doing 5th step work with sponsees. He claims it's okay if I go to the same club as him, but treats me like I've got the plague when I'm there because he doesn't want people to gossip about him. He doesn't like me to say anything about it because he feels it what he needs to do because he has 5 sponsees that help him maintain his own sobriety, but it hurts our relationship intensly. If you are going to get involved with a non-alcoholic (or even another alcoholic)just be sure that you try to not live at the club, spend time with your significant other, let them know they are important to you too, & encourage them to attend al-anon. As long as you each communicate, know, understand, and feel each other things can be okay. Good luck - to you and to myself. Thanks
Member: kellie r
Time: 12:15:26 AM
hi i'm kellieand i'm an alcoholic. i,m new. 7 months today. my significant other is also in the program. i can only tell you that it is difficult. we work our programs seperatly, but it's not all bad, it's just alot of patience and tolarance. we are on different levels. the one thing that has really helped me is the family section in the back of the big book. good luck to you
Time: 1:55:23 AM
There you go Maria G been 13th step, he wants to help his sponsees crawl out of a hole, then he goes home only to crawl in one. That's all he wants her for is sex. Maybe he should stay home and read the BIG BOOK at least one day a week. starting with page 69, funny sex is on that page. Under every dress, is a slip.