Member: Doris H
Location: Oregon
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 10:31:40
Doris in Oregon . . . Relationships, and how our sobriety, or the lack of it, is affecting them. Especially with our husbands, wives or S.O.'s. I know that my sobriety is affecting my relationship with my husband. It is, of course affecting my relationships with everyone but the affect with my husband is the greatest. Sometimes I think he doesn't really like what is happening now. I would like to hear both positive and negative from you all and I'll talk more later about what is hapening with me. Doris H
Member: Mark W.
Location: VA
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 11:43:36
I am amazed that my wife has stayed with me during the last four years since I decided to stop drinking. In some ways recovery has been harder than when I was drinking. Unfortunately, my recovery has been one of fits and starts. I know that I have tried one hundred percent. I've done the ninety in ninety, gotten a wonderful sponsor, prayed, worked the steps, changed people, places and things, been in therapy for years, been medicated by my shrink, etc. Still, I'd relapse. At first, the relapses caused both my wife and I tremendous pain. Our life was hell on earth. Then, through meetings, I learned that everyone's road to freedom is different. Mine just happened to have a few potholes in it. I never gave up. The next morning after a relapse, instead of weeping and threatening suicide, I began to feel gratitude. I was grateful to know that I could start my first twenty four hours right then, as it says in the Big Book. My wife began to realize that I was never going to give up, and with that realization came peace. She no longer panicked over relapses. She came to realize that my recovery was my responsibility, not hers. My depression, lack of self-esteem, anger etc. was not her fault. She began to view my alcoholism for what it truly is: an illness.
Today, my recovery is based mostly on the teachings and the people of AA. Honestly, it is through AA that I realized how strong my faith in an HP has always been. In addition to AA, I rely on my personal physician who discovered that when under stress my heart skips every fourth beat. In early sobriety, my stress level was sky high, and thus I was living each day with my heart going beat, beat, beat, beeeeeeeeep....I take Beta Blockers to regulate my heart. From my psychiatrist I recieve a mild anti-depressant, though I am gradually lessening the dose.
Through recovery, as difficult as it has been, the love that my wife and I have for each other has been made stronger. That is a gift from God.
Member: Bonnie C
Location: Seattle
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 12:26:39
Hi extended family, (((ROOM-HUG))) My name is Bonnie and I'm an alcoholic, Relationships, good topic Doris, The marriage I was in when I came into the program ended in divorce. He missed his drinking partner so much that he would try to sabbotage me by putting our insulated can wraps around budweiser and hand them to me instead of my Pepsi. He also missed me being so guilty when I drank. I was less controlable when I was sober. I knew to drink was die and I got tired of him trying to kill me. Wanted him to get into alanon (he actually needed AA as much as I did, but that was his decision to make) or get into therapy but he wasn't finished living the insanity, by the way he is still living it almost 18yrs later and his new wife lives it with him. Thank God that's not me. I had to work the steps on my man/woman relationships as I have had to in each area of my life that didn't work, to find out what my part was in all of this. Today I have loving - getting healthier relationships with everyone in my life today. I had to find my boundaries and principles in each area and practice them for when I don't stand for them, I'll fall for anything and my dignity and self-worth suffer. Mark so happy you decided to keep coming back - Glad you're here too Wendy, love ya family - God Bless all who venture here. ========================================== bonzoc@webtv.net
Member: Ken J
Location: Alberta, Canada
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 12:32:16
hi i have been sober for many. and arn't we alkies blessed with great soul mates who put up with our change character as we bigin our lives sober. we had as many problems as i got into AAas when i was drinking. after all sober up a horse thief you still have horse thief. my wife tried to understand why i was looking for the sanity that she had always had . But she kept hers until i began to see what sanity really is??? during thiss time we even separated for about a year,my idea. w e are together today and have now over thirty five years of AA and Alonon. i would not suggest thar anyone to do it the way i have,though no regets today as the power great than allowed to do what i did so i would see which way was the path this wayward being.Just stay sober all the rest will come
Member: Bruce N
Location: Houston Tx
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 12:43:41
What a fantastic topic Doris! Wouldn't life be great for me if everyone just accepted things the way wanted them to be. I could throw my fits, stomp my feet and pretty much get my way without worrying about anyone stepping on my toes. The truth is, I don't always get my way and that took a while to accept. I spent a long time being mostly self centered and not really concerned with the well being of anyone else, unless there was a payoff in it for me. It was in Step 4 that I discovered the nature of my problems with relationships (no matter with who) and in Step 5 when I realized that God has a role in all my relationships today. He gave me the steps to use in All concerns, not just abstanence from booze. If I am still writng about it, and involving Him and others in my relationship problems then things are bound to get better when I take the action necessary to change. My wife and I are in our 15th year of living this program and we still have arguements and we still disagree with each other. How boring it would be if we didn't. After 10 years of sick,sick marriage we divorced and have been remarried now for 15 years in December. That is only by Gods grace and His love for us. Have a good week!
Member: mary w.
Location: K.I.S.S. in Ks
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 13:36:07
my name is mary, and i am an alcoholic/addict. relationships. i, too, was at the end of a marrige when i came to AA. he went his way and i went mine.. i dated in sobriety with members and a few non- members. 5 years ago i married a nonmember who may drink 2 drinks a year ( i can't understand that). he doesn't understand much of the program, but he doesn't stop me either... lately since we've got the net he looks at me and the computer funny and shakes his head, and doesn't say a word.. but if i even so much as mutter that i sure would like a drink or something he gets upset!! he knows enough to appriciate the sober me.i am lucky to have him in my life...
Member: Mark B
Location: Eielson AFB, Alaska
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 14:28:29
Mark, dope fiend alcoholic. My old sponsor used to always tell me that finances or romances will get me drunk. So true. Unless I trust in this power that's out there, taking care of me 24-7, let him guide and direct me in all of my dealings, I'll find a way to mess up all the relationships I have in my life. My track record proves this. Trusting in God, I got a chance to have a healthy, nurturing relationship with a woman, and be able to be a functioning member of society in all my other social relationships. I've been seeing a wonderful lady for the last three months now who isn't in recovery. Her approach to me and my disease is: "You have a problem you deal with it, you treat it, no big deal". She's the first "normie" I've dated in almost 13 years of sobriety now. I've found for me, I'm learning how to interact and function in the normal world with her and her friends. She has no problem dealing with my program friends, so again, I need to keep working on me and my actions, my lack of social skills in a sober, normal world, and trust that God brought me this far, he isn't going to drop me now. I can probably write for hours on this and will check back later and add more things. But for now, time to punch out and hit the dusty trail. Hugs to all, Mark
Member: Libby W.
Location: Glenside PA
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 14:37:54
Hi everyone Libby and I am an alcoholic! Thanks for the topic Doris--- I firmly believe this is a dis-ease of relationships. But I am not firmly convinced that it tis forever.Being sober 13 months I have had my people problems and will have more. Bonnie helped me through my most recent one.She suggested a God Box and to place my "people " in there.They or it are no longer any of my bussiness since I gave what I thought was MY bussiness to Him. Must say so far it is working.
I have been married to the same man for 11yrs.plus He I believe today to be part of God's masterful plan (he is in recovery also). Just last week my husband asked me what I was doing that night when he phoned from work in the am,Itold him I was going to an 8pm mtng---He said he was dissapointed (but would never interfere with my mtngs.)since this past month he hasn't minded coming home. I think I am beginning to pass the acid test? Home is wher it IS hard to practice kind and loving behavior for me anyway. Have a good week and Peace to all---Lib
Member: John C
Location: Ohio
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 14:39:33
Hello, good topic. To Doris, my wife isn't always crazy about my recovery, I can overdo any thing, like spending to hrs on the computer instead of doing the dishes or going to a meeting and spending 2hrs in the parking lot talking to someone. I NEED TO LEARN BALANCE! Gotta go do the dishes. bye.
Member: Karen G
Location: Henderson KY
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 15:05:20
At this point and time in my sob. I am finding that my relationship with God and myself is not very good, therefor my relationship with others is suffering. I have informed my husband of whats up with me and have asked for his help and patience. I am extremely lucky to have a husband who is also in sobriety and is a "step man". He understands and is willing to give me space. See first that my relationship with God is right and all else falls right into place. That's what I'm about to embark upon. I have to clean house AGIAN and get uncomfortably honest with myself, God and my sponcer. I have to take action that resembles the action that I had to take when I was new. Painful action. O well whatever I have to do to keep what I have I am willing to do. I love my relationships today. I thank God I have the capacity to have a relationship.
Maybe.....the trick isn't to get a relationship......but to keep one.
Love, Karen
Member: Ian
Location: England UK
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 15:17:04
I'm Ian and an alcoholic. Relationships, can't live with them can't live without them. My wife was perplexed and frightened by my behaviour until we discovered that alcoholism isn't just a problem but an illness. Now she's just perplexed and frightened! It was said to me that I had to do it for myself and that I had to want sobriety as much as I had wanted to drink, but when your sloshed all the time how do you know the difference? The role of the carer becomes so prevalent in those early days that it is hard to determine just whom you are doing it for. In my case once the DT's began to subside and my head to clear I realised what a chance lay ahead. Not only for me but for our relationship. Somebody at the hospital I was in gave my wife "Freedom from the Bottle" to read. Was she confused before? She certainly was when she discovered the role of the carer. It scared here witless that she had gone to hell and back, stuck with me and actually instigated my recovery, to now read that she may no longer be needed. This must be an unbelievable realisation for somebody to go through. Us alkies getting all this expensive treatment, "finding ourselves" appearing to be living it up in splendour in £200 a night rehab. Boy does this cause a load of resentment! This resentment then in itself can cause problems, some days I think a time apart may not have been a bad idea. Like has been said, recovery is where the real work starts.
Member: Linda M
Location: London, Ont, Canada
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 15:59:51
Hi, Linda, alcoholic. When I first sobered up 9 plus years ago my husband was my main drinking buddy. He wasn't too happy about it. It took probably at least two years for him to accept fully that I really had a problem. That caused me anguish in the beginning as most people said their significant others were thrilled when they sobered up. However, once he realized I wasn't going to make him stop and join A A too (God knows I tried, in not-so-subtle ways:)!)he accepted my abstinence. Eventually he realized I wasn't going to become a complete bore. We had stopped going to bars long before because I kept getting into trouble and cabs were getting expensive.
Now I have an energy and a joy of living that I know he sees and would hate to see it end. Though he liked to drink, he never was the one who didn't know when to stop, I was.(I could go on about this but won't)
We had lots of growing pains over the last nine years but now our marriage is better than ever. Not that we never have problems, but today we are able to talk about them and reach solutions together. A.A. has given us a better relationship than we ever could have had without it. I thank my Higher Power for giving me such a patient and loving partner.
Member: Doris
Location: Out west
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 18:44:54
Greetings ! I am Doris and I am an alcoholic. I am 52 years old and I didn't start to REALLY drink until I was about 43. The day my husband came home and said, "Lets move to the midwest" I started, within two weeks I knew I was a goner and I also knew that I had NO intention of stopping. (You see, my identical twin sister had been in recovery for about 16 years with one relapse period of 1 year, so naturally I became a big time drunk too. We do EVERYTHING alike even though we live in different parts of the country.) I really didn't think that I would mind moving to the mid west and it is beautiful BUT ! I know everyone here. I am the most social person ever hatched and suddenly I am driving down the road in Iowa saying to myself, "What the - - - am I doing here" I also realized that if I were in an accident there wasn't anyone to call. Two years there was all either of us could do so back we came. We have been back in the west for almost 4 years now and I have been in recovery for 16 months. I went into a re-hab a year ago Jan and it was the smartest thing I ever did. I didn't drink alone. Every night it was martinis and sometimes margeritas with the crowd. BUT ! We did drink every night. My S O did as well and yet I am the only one considered an alky. When I went into the facility he quit drinking as well and IT IS assumed that I am the only one in recovery. He did go to some group and some stuff at the facility as part of the family thing but that slowly died a natural death and it doesn't happen at all now. We went on a trip and he did drink on the trip and at one point he seemed to get a little mean. Very critical and sarcastic when we were alone. I know that he feels a great deal of anger and I try to help with that by being open and willing to listen and make amends but it doesn't seem to do any good. I do have some wreckage, not paying bills and basic irresponsibility, but! the main problem is that we don't communicate. When I try to talk to him he always makes me out to be wrong, I am always wrong, and when I suggest we get counceling he says, "Why can't you just say to me now whatever you want to say in front of strangers?" Even answering that for him makes me feel frightened and wrong. I do get tired of being always wrong. We are starting a couples group with a councelor in our home next week. There was one person at that facility that my husband seemed to enjoy so we are using that person. I know that he is not an ogre but I think, and so does the councelor, that he is a dry drunk. I do not know how to tell him that. I am praying about it and I will take it easy and slow. This is one thing that I am trying to let happen in its own time. By the way, I have been told I am a n extreme co - dependant! DAH ! I am very interested in hearing from all of you on this, that is why I chose this as a topic. I am especially interested in hearing from you gentlemen, John, Bruce, Ian, right now I am qhite frightened. I know that this could lead to relapse and I don't want to do that. I will try to take the proper action before that happens. I'm going to call my sponsor. I go to a lot of meetings. I know this is too long but I did want to tell this story. Thank you all and God bless you all, Doris
Member: Kathie S.
Location: Davenport, IA
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 18:51:31
Hi, my name is Kathie and I'm an alcoholic. I'm new here. I go to meetings in my hometown, but never cyber meetings before. Is anybodyt here? I'm asking cuz I have no idea what's going on.
Member: Glen H
Location: Denton, TX
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 19:09:22
I'm just asking 'cause I really don't know -- nobody has mentioned Alanon for the non addicted partner? I always hear how good it is and am just curious. Does it not work? (My wife left long before I got into recovery, and I personally think leaving a practicing alcoholic is the only healthy emotional response)
Member: jrr
Location: harmony on the Lake
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 20:00:52
Amy G in Switzerland... check out my response to you in coffeepot....as long as we are talking about relationships...
I agree with what was pointed out in early sobriety -- we aren't relationship counselors...nor employment referral services nor do we administer medical advice...what i have come to realize is that by following the dictates of a Higher Power and not drinking a day at a time, all my relationships ---- whether at work...in the neighborhood, at home or with family members; these relationships have changed dramatically since i entered this deal called AA. It was pointed out early on that to focus on the other participant in a relationship I maintain...regardless of the situation, as before mentioned;only prevents me from taking responsibility for my own actions toward others I am involved with. And it took me3yrs to realize why my Alanon girlfriend always closed her eyes when we made love....she could not stand to see me enjoying myself.....
peace, jrr
Member: Bruce M.
Location: Rhode Island
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 20:47:27
I'm Bruce and I'm an alcoholic. With regard to relationships, until I got sober relationships were a "one way street" for me. My way. But they were all dead ends. Everything was centered around my needs, my drinking, my work, my friends my world. Being King of the universe was living hell for me and those around me. I left Denver with no job, no money and no relationships. I did have 3 months worth of "sobriety" and the address of people who met in basements and talked about how to live sober one day.
Today, I'm married to a wonderful woman who has never seen me drunk, hung over or had to answer a call from the police station. I went to law school and have been practicing for 10 years. I'm not King of anything, we enjoy doing chores together and have been together for 14 years (the amount of time since my last drink). She's my best friend, confidant, and companion. At 45 years old I've finally discovered what a relationship is about. Giving without any expectation of a return except the knowledge that someone is receiving. And now I have more than I ever thought I could handle. Thank you for teaching me how to stay sober for one day. What a sunny day it is!
Member: Linda P
Location: Fresno, CA, USA
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 21:04:01
Hi everyone, Linda an alcoholic.
The relationship I had with my 1st husband was strange. We drank together for 10 years. I was intolerant of his neglect and supposed preoccupation with alcohol. Did not once see my own drinking problem at that time. Divorced him and got into AA and was sober 2 years when we decided to tie the knot the second time. Big mistake. Him drinking and me sober did not work out. I put 6 yrs effort into the relationship, drank again, then sobered up again and wound up trying to salvage the marriage with no success. Ten yrs into the 2nd marriage we divorced again. I figure he did not like me sober. He was used to the chaotic way we lived in the 1st marriage with me drinking. He understood my wild drunken behavior, and probably in all honesty found them stimulating to him as he was a very quiet guy. Living by principles, people mattering to me, and my time spent in service was all resented bitterly by him. He would not go to counseling, and would not look into Alanon. I truly grieved over 2nd death of this same relationship.
Now for the stumper. I am married to a recovering alcoholic, who gives me no room to breath. That is why I found this web site and started making use of it. He does not want me out alone at night. I work. Before we married I was heavy into service, went to 3 meetings a week. A very social person to say the least. My man is quiet, yet can be social at times. He only wanted to attend 1 meeting a week after we got married, and then he wanted to skip that once in a while. Married three years, we now attend 2 meetings a week on a regular basis, much to my relief.. That is helpful. But until recently he wanted to rush me right to the car after meetings, and I was unable to visit the people that I had grown up with in AA. This has finally changed with his new secretary position with our home group. Then friends and sponsees would call and he would be so rude as to ask who it was on the phone and periodly ask "are you still talking to that same person". People stopped calling. I went from a friendly, warm individual into a withdrawn, angry woman. Periodically lashing out at him as I did with my 1st husband when I drank. Bad stuff. Too long to share. This relationship is not as bleak as it sounds. We do work a program and make amends to each other whenever we screw up. There has been some changes and breakthroughs, but our relationship is evolving. It only recently began to ease up some as I changed the manner of my communication with him. So you can always count on change. Doris, I sympathize with your concerns. Hang in there, I am. May god bless.
Love to all,
Linda Love to all,
Linda
Member: MIKE W
Location: SAUDI ARABIA
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 21:04:48
HI, MIKE HERE, ALCOHOLIC. RELATIONSHIPS, GOOD TOPIC. I CANNOT GIVE ANY ADVICE, JUST MY EXPERIENCE.I HAD MADE A MESS OF MY MARRIAGE, DRINKING ALL THE TIME,NOT COMING HOME,FIGHTS,YELLING,ETC.,ETC,ETC. WHY MY WIFE STAYED I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT IT WAS PROBABLY A GOOD THING SHE DID, IF SHE WOULD HAVE LEFTM I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN WORSE, WITHOUT A LITTLE RESTRAINT. AA CAME FROM ME GETTING INTO A SEVERE TRUCK WRECK (ALMOST DIED, NOT THE FIRST ONE EITHER), AND IT HAS SINCE SAVED MY LIFE.I'VE BEEN SOBER ALMOST 6 YEARS,ALOT OF MISTAKES,ALOT OF GROWING UP,AND MORE TO DO.....BUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY WIFE HAS GOTTEN BETTER SLOWLEY,LIKE IT SHOULD BE.WE NOW HAVE A 3 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER THAT I LOVE DEARLY, I THINK SHE TOO IS A GIFT OF THE PROGRAM. I TRY TO WORK THE STEPS, BE HONEST WITH THOSE AROUND ME, AND ACCEPT LIFE AS IT IS!!!!!!! THAT IS NOT ALWAYS EASY FOR THIS ALCOHOLIC. I COULD NEVER HAVE DID IT WITHOUT MY HP AND ALL OF YOU. THANKS FOR MY SOBRIETY. AND REMEMBER THIS TOO SHALL PASS, AND CHANGE.
Member: Mark M.
Location: Mobile,Al.
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 22:56:56
Hi, my name is Mark and I'm an alcoholic. Linda P. I can relate with with your sharing. Being married to your ex-drinking buddy can make a very difficult test at times! I have been sober for over two and a half years. My higher power has taken the desire to drink from me, I am so greatful for this blessing. I feel that my sobriety has to come first! So living with a practicing alcoholic can be tough at times. I know that there is life after alcohol, it is just so hard to watch someone killing them selves with drink day in and day out who does not yet know this fact. I just pray that it is God's Will that my wife will find A.A.!! I am very thankful for making it through one more day without the need for a drink. Your right Mike W., This too shall pass, God's Will is all that I care about, there is a reason alot larger than I, that my wife and I are still together. peace, Mark
Member: sundance
Location: Ontario
Date: 19 Apr 1998
Time: 23:34:50
Hi friends Sorry for the interuption to your meeting,
I am an alcoholic who is looking for an AA online chatline that I can get access to almost immediately. I want something where I can read several shares at a time and that is on any topic I want to chat on. I use to belong to one called FIR and I really enjoyed it is there any out here any can suggest to me.
Hopefully one of you can assit me.
Thanks Sundance
Member: Stacy N.
Location: WI
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 00:42:25
Relationships...that is a short topic...it is easy to explain mine. I quit drinking, my relationship ended. But I have held onto several friendships,and built them to be better. So I lost, but I still won. I have 26 days of sobriety, and I am so much happier and clearer seeing things. I am not afraid to ask about what I don't understand anymore. It is great to be sober.
Member: LOU.S
Location: LANGHORNE,PA
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 01:22:42
HI,IM LOU REGRDNG RELTNSHPS .I MARRIED A WONDRFUL BUTFL WMN IN 89 WHN I WAS 7 YRS SOBER,I HV 2 WNDRFL AA BABIES .I START MY DAY DLY WTH SME ROUTINE ASK GOD 4 ANTHR DAY SOBER ,GO THRU MY CHARCTR DEFECTS ,3RD STEP PRYR,7TH STP PRYR PUSH UPS SIT UPS AND OUT THE DOOR I GO .I HAD MNY UNSCCCSFL RELTNSHPS WHEN DRNKNG AS MATTER OF FACT ALL WERE.MY WIFE IS A WARM PWRFL LOVING WMN .SHE IS NOT A MEMBR OFF AA AS A MATTER OF FACT FROM MY EXPIERNCE 2 DEAD BATTERIES WONT JUMP STRT THE CAR.MY WIFE HAS A WONDERFUL SELF IMAGE TONS OF SELF WORTH MNY RSLTS IN HER LIFE 2 ATTEST 2 SME .ALL AA PRMSD ME WAS IF I DIDNT PICK UP 1 DRINK 4 1DAY IT WAS PHYSCLY IMPSSBL 2 GET DRNK .NOT DRINKING A DAY AT A TIME WKING THE AA PRGRM ALONG WTH RGLR ATTNDCE AT AA MEETINGS MY LIFE HAS IMPRVD AND RELTNSHPS.I WILL NOW HIT MY KNEES AND THNK HIM 4 ANTHR DAY
Member: Amy G.C.
Location: Switzerland
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 02:17:05
Thanks for the topic Doris, Amy here, an alcoholic. I came on line yesterday and was the first and didn`t have the guts to suggest a topic, but you hit the nail on the head with what is going on in my life now. Firstly I want to say today is my anniversary (2nd) to my second husband who is not in al anon but who does not drink. He never has, only lightly and socially before we met (which was not exactly my style). He has seen me slip several times (maybe 3) since we met and each time he took as a personal offence. He is a scientist and quite a serious person about most things in life and certainly was a stabilizing force in my recovery. On the one hand I say to myself "he should have shipped you back to NC you drunk you will never fully recover" and on the other hand my HP whispers "he is staying with you because he has faith, as I do that you will do the right thing, the good work I began in you I will bring to completion, accept his love with conditions of your sobriety, he is a gift and love is a gift from me to you" or something like that. My husband would not tolerate my drinking and he told me so before we married so you can say I definitely know my boundaries and his seriousness about it(especially when I could not find an english speaking aa) helped me hold out until my HP took away my desire for the stuff overall. But I had to laugh out loud when I read the good quote from someone above, sober up a horse thief and you still have a horse thief. Well I never stole any horses but I had lived a very self centered and way less than perfect drinking life for 10 years before I got into the program... So Doris I am happily married and one day at a time am learning to live like the sane people or imitate them as best I can, simple life sure is more simple. Now to answer for the relationship with the first husband because it really was similar to the stories of Bonnie and Linda P., he was a drinker and I mean really. Sometimes I think I dealt with his drunkeness to make me feel better about my drinking which I know is sick thinking. I too thought I knew when to stop whereas he drank to black out many times and I`d have to clean up after him. When I stopped drinking he continued and an old timer in my first home group in Winston-Salem called James flinched when he heard I was still livin with a drinking partner. He said, girl you do not have a good chance of living if you stay in that marriage. That scared me to death and to leave him reduced me to a woman divorced, which I never wanted to be. What a failure. Linda M bravo to you and to others who were able to stick it out until your partner sobered up, I just prayed to my HP for his will and next thing you know I`m recovering AWAY and that relationship just dropped off the face of the earth. My HP tries to help me forgive and forget and be GRATEFUL for the loving, healthy relationship I have now with my swiss husband. I hope I have not taken up too much space. Welcome to our group Kathie and Stacy, Love to all, Amy G.C.
Member: jrr
Location: harmony by the Lake
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 05:32:39
Amy---- you keep sharing just as long as you need...and thank you for giving me the opportunity to work on my relationship with others....so, once again...I want to say....I am sorry for any unkind words at the other parts of this wonderful site... as i said...it is my behavior I must be concerned with and when I react so strongly to a lovely young woman in a far away place...just because of a misunderstanding ...I truly am not doing what I was told I must do...be there for another alcoholic... so Amy in Switzerland...with your scientist hubby.....god bless and know that a lot of people at this site have you both in our prayers...again...hope you got my e-mail and decide to get in touch with mary w....... thank you for allowing me an opportunity to grow up some tonight....for it is with you all I have found a new understanding of love, God and my place in this world....stay as nice as you are Amy....you are doing great ! ! peace, jrr
Member: Michael H
Location: Jackson MI
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 07:07:57
Mike, alcoholic. My relationship ended in divorce. Without that I would not have sobered up. It was that final blow that made me give up and surrender to my HP. Since that time I have had relapses but I keep on trying. Learning from our mistakes and moving on is hard. I know my HP will help if I let Him. Someday I will be ready to try again with a relationship as long as I do what I am supposed to do. Thanks to All.
Member: Gail B
Location: TX
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 08:39:29
Hi, Gail, alcholic. Relationships. Well, my marriage still sucks after 1 1/2 years sober. My husband doesn't like the fact that he can no longer feel superior to me since I'm no longer the "bad one". To him, I will always be a drunk and he continues to let me and anyone else no that. I believe this is part of his revenge for my sobriety. He's told my neighbors about the time I totalled my car and was arrested for DWI along with many other events I would like to put behind me. He rarely drinks and he firmly believes that those that do, can quit by will power and that alcoholism is not a disease. To him, AA and all of the recovery programs are a joke. Marriage counseling is also a joke. He likes to call me an alcoholic with the tone that it is a filthy word. He has absolutely no respect for me and we have not shared a bedroom since I have been sober.
He married me when I was an active alcoholic, with a new car and making big bucks. Now that I don't work or have a car and have been forced to be more dependent on him, he resents the hell out me.
But you know what? I don't care what his problem is anymore. I know what mine is and I am taking actions to better myself and I do feel better about myself because of my sobriety and involvement in AA. No relationship is going to take away what I have worked so hard to achieve. If I started drinking again he would be in heaven. He would have all the control back. Well, with or without him he ain't gettin it!! Look out world, I'm coming through sober!!
Thanks for letting me share.
Gail
Member: FAYLA G
Location: GALENA KS
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 11:47:50
FAYLA .I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO GIVE NOW THAT IAM SOBER ,WHEN I DRANK I ONLY CUT PEPOLE DOWN AND CAUSED SO MUCH PAIN TO MY CHILDREN .I HAVE A SON I HADENT SEEN IN 6 YEARS ,AND WHEN I QUIT DRINKING I WROTE HIM A LETTER TELLING HIM THAT I NEVER FELT THAT HE WANTED ,ME AROUND ,BUT THAT I LOVE HIM AND HOPE SOMEDAY HE CAN FORGIVE ME .I HAVE 5 CHILDREN 3 BOYS AND 2 GIRLS .I LOVE THESE KIDS SO MUCH .I CANT UNDERSTAND HOW I COULD DO THEM THE WAY I DID .THINGS ARE SO GOOD NOW ,TO SEE US YOU WOULD NEVER THINK THE PAST WAS THERE BUT IT IS ,IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE ,BUT AS I WQRK HARDER TO BE A BETTER PERSON AND MOTHER AND FREIND ,THE PAIN FROM IT GETS A LITTLE WEAKER . THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE . LOVE FAYLA
Member: FAYLA G
Location: GALENA KS
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 11:48:46
FAYLA .I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO GIVE NOW THAT IAM SOBER ,WHEN I DRANK I ONLY CUT PEPOLE DOWN AND CAUSED SO MUCH PAIN TO MY CHILDREN .I HAVE A SON I HADENT SEEN IN 6 YEARS ,AND WHEN I QUIT DRINKING I WROTE HIM A LETTER TELLING HIM THAT I NEVER FELT THAT HE WANTED ,ME AROUND ,BUT THAT I LOVE HIM AND HOPE SOMEDAY HE CAN FORGIVE ME .I HAVE 5 CHILDREN 3 BOYS AND 2 GIRLS .I LOVE THESE KIDS SO MUCH .I CANT UNDERSTAND HOW I COULD DO THEM THE WAY I DID .THINGS ARE SO GOOD NOW ,TO SEE US YOU WOULD NEVER THINK THE PAST WAS THERE BUT IT IS ,IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE ,BUT AS I WQRK HARDER TO BE A BETTER PERSON AND MOTHER AND FREIND ,THE PAIN FROM IT GETS A LITTLE WEAKER . THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE . LOVE FAYLA
Member: Lori F.
Location: Akron, OH
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 11:57:33
Hi everyone! My name is Lori, and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. It's my first time here. What a great resource and a great topic - very appropriate for me right now. My relationship with my husband, who is not an alcoholic, is touchy from time to time, but he is, and has been, supportive ever since I came into the Fellowship December 27, 1995. My most difficult and stressful relationship right now is with my 17-year-old daughter. She had a baby when she was sixteen, and both of them live with us. The father is not involved, which, in this case, is a good thing. Anyway, this entire last year or so has been both a blessing and a challenge. But I truly believe God doesn't give us more than we can handle WITH HIS HELP. I have been learning to rely more and more on my Higher Power, or at least trying to. When I pull away, my relationships and my serenity suffer greatly. Right now, by daughter is talking about moving out, even though she has some high school to finish and has no job. I am understandably concerned. Okay, maybe panicked is a better word. But my sponsor says that I need to keep praying and LET GO. I can handle the praying part, but letting go doesn't come easy. I guess it's times like these that the tools of the A.A. program become more crucial than ever. Thank God for A.A.! Without it, I would still be restless, irritable and discontented. With it, I can find the answers that are right for me, and that will help me form and maintain healthy relationships where I can hold and love others without smothering them. I'm learning to say "no" and learning to care for myself and my sobriety first and foremost. Thanks again for a wonderful topic, Doris! Live and let live!
Member: David H.
Location: Sydney,N.S. Canada
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 14:22:09
Hi from east. Canada. 20 yrs. of "coming back" 3 yrs. of "Sobriaty". Don't think I could have put up with it.SHE DID. My taking "Control" & her "Loss of" has put a very great strain on the marriage.It is working out "slowly".Balance is so very ,very important. Point of interest: We are going on vac. on Thur. 10 days in Las Vegas.Not possible without A.A.
Member: Arvind A.
Location: Paris
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 16:46:08
During my drinking days, I lost a relationship, a wife, and almost lost the next girlfriend. The latter I quit after a year's sobriety. Thereafter, I used to be obsessed on relationships, yet I could never get into one. It took three years of living by myself to accept that I am a nice person and that I can present myself with my positive and negative points, in fact me, to anyone. I am now in a relationship, in fact se are married, with someone who is not in the program. We are quite happy, we have a child and are expecting a second. When I need to increase my meetings, my wife notices it even before me. Today, I have everything that AA promises, almost everything. I still need to find the job I would like to do and get out of this crummy job.
Arvind
Member: Sanders W.
Location: Graceville, Fl.
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 17:07:19
I am very definitally a real alcoholic and my name is Sanders, I nearly passed on this topic but decided some one may be able to identify with my experience in this area. I don,t like to give advice so please don,t take it as such. Just prior to my being " dry" 5 years in AA, I got involved with a lady in AA who was "dry" a little over a year and later we got married and a year later had a child. At first we both went to meetings and all was well, then she got bored with AA and wanted more "excitement" in her life and backed off meetings in general and all meetings with me. In her search for excitement she was running with other oeople and then this led to pot smoking and other "relationships", and needless to say it was very difficult for me at this time as I did love her and really tried to make the marrige work. I was going to both AA and alonon. My AA sponser's wife was my alonon sponser and many times I would go to an AA meeting and Woody would look at me and tell me to go to the other end of the building to the alon meeting which I did. This went on for about 1 1/2 years and it was very plain to me and to many other people in AA that she was headed back out for more drinking. This nearly killed me as I felt so helpless to stop her and then I started trying to hang on till she went out and maybe got back. This worked for a bit but then I found I was going down faster than she was and this I could not afford. At this point I took my 2 year old son and moved out while she was gone. She did in fact go back out and nearly died and stayed out for about two years and I understand in smoking pot now. I got custody of my son and raised him, with some problems but I think he had a better chance with me than he did with his mother. Anyway I am still sober today and have a good relationship with my son who is now 19 and on his own and that is what is important today. I don,t know if anyone can identify with this or not. I am not saying this was the rught way, all I am saying is this is how I handled it and did not have to drink over it. Thanks for letting me share and on a lighter side , I heard a man say at a meeting about relationships this. " For me to get involved in a relationship with someone is just like pouring Miricle Grow on my character defects." Love to all Sanders
Member: Bill K
Location: Anaheim, CA
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 18:46:14
Hello, my name is Bill and I am an alcoholic. Good topic, "relationships". I have never had problems with relationships, it's only those pesky people that give me any problems! But, a little more honesty speaking, relationships have been wonderful to tragic over my life time (I am currently 52). When I mixed alcohol with the way my "brain-piece" worked it spelled immediate disaster! I have been with and known wonderful people over the years only to sabotage those relationships with a "bent mind" and a jigger or two of whiskey to complete the destruction. (FAST FORWARD) I received the blessing of sobriety, coupled with the AA program, and particularly the people in it, since 10/1/90 and have had a wonderful, sometimes toppsy-turvey, progress in this thing called sobriety. I thank God for my past, as I doubt I would have learned as well or as much because of what I went through (via full admittance of being an alcoholic), and today I have a true reflection of what I can be (a real jerk) and the amazing potential I have for each day. As far as I am concerned today (April 20, 1998) has never existed, and I can start this day as a new one. I am blessed with being married to another alocoholic. She has six years on the program and is involved in working with others, doing panels, etc. I am going to sign off now. I am glad I found this site. I am new to this "internet stuff" and am interested in talking with others about recovery. If anyone wishes to contact me you may at Bill.Klima@gte.net and my wife's e-mail is Bonnie.Klima@gte.net. Hoping to hear from someone soon. Oh! does anyone have the e-mail addresses from the AA Loners-Internationalist Newsletter? I'd like to contact them if possible. Thank you for your time in "listening" to me.
Member: JohnP
Location: NC
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 19:42:05
John, alcoholic. What a timely topic for me. I've been married for nine years, sober for nine months and am preparing to execute a decision made by my wife and I jointly. I'm moving next week. My wife is the prod that got me into outpatient treatment and AA. I am very grateful to her for that but the recovery has been my effort alone. She is not an alcoholic, I don't think, and has a couple of glasses of wine - one before and one during dinner. She is just clueless about recovery. It's not that she's uninterested, she just doesn't understand. I've tried to get her to go to Al-Anon. The problem (or one of them) is that I've changed a great deal in these nine months and am still changing and have no intention of stopping. She liked me the way I was in spite of the fact that alcohol was beginning to interfere. She's not sure that she likes me now. Sobriety brought clarity and I loved her when I was drunk and I love her now but as a result of this change (and there are other factors but recovery seems to highlight the other problems) my "whole attitude and outlook on life have changed" and I don't like her as much as I used to. Neither of us is happy. So I will leave and move close by so that I can spend lots of time with my six year old son whom I adore and continue to work my program. I am sad but God is with me and her and my son. The bright side is very bright. I am enjoying life and am interested again. I never want to go back. As a result of the marital turmoil of the last couple of months, I have acquired a pile of resentments. I know that life decisions shouldn't be made in early sobriety but I feel that I have no choice. Thanks for listening.
Member: Suzanne H.
Location: Ontario Canada
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 22:04:34
Hi there, my name is Suzanne and I am an alcoholic.
I was 15 when I met my husband, he was 21. We got along very well. We shared many common interests. I was married when I was 19. The first year was ok. Then my husband became self-absorbed and gradually became emotionally abusive. Put downs, name calling, my opinion did not matter. As I started drinking heavier and became demanding on having the booze daily (which he didn't approve of, he is a social drinker)he would just buy the booze, I guess it kept me out of his hair. Shortly after our 17th anniversary, when I hit bottom I went into treatment. After returning I told him I was not the same person that I was when I was drinking or even before the booze for that matter. I found I had courage, something I didn't ever remember having. I discussed with him that I was addressing my problems and if he could not address his then I would have to file for separation. I was not going to subject myself to that rut I had lived in for so many years. I was fully prepared to grieve over a broken marriage to the man I loved in order to maintain my sobriety. Anyway I have been sober for over 9 months and I am working my program, my husband attends counselling himself, we attend counselling together and family counselling with the kids. I believe in him, he believes in me and together we have started our marriage on its own road to recovery. I am very happy about this because I love him very much.
Thanks for letting me share Suzanne H.
Member: Barb C.
Location: West Allis, WI
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 22:35:50
Hi everyone! My name is Barb and I am an alocholic. Relationships--now there is an interesting subject. My husband and I were each other's drinking buddies. We talked about the fact that we may have a drinking problem from time to time but never did anything about it. Until things really got out of hand. Both physical and emotional abuse were prevalent in our home. Bills were not being paid, the IRS and mortgage company were fighting over our home and our 2 teen-age children were rebellious at best. I finally called a treatment center in our area and made an appointment for an assessment. My husband went along, not so much because he thought he had a problem but because he thought I was the problem. To this day, I say that I went into treatment to save my marriage. The counselor told us that the chances of our marriage surviving were not good. Then my husband started to change. I, like a good alcoholic could not see the changes in me. I fought with all my might. But somewhere along the line the God of my understanding gave me the acceptance I needed so badly. We started to change together. We went to AA meetings and functions together. We then began to work on putting our marriage together. Most times it has been an uphill battle but it is worth it. Today, we have 12 years of sobriety and on May 4 we will be married for 30 years. I would have said 12 years ago that it would never have happened. But the miracle of this program has made it possible. We still work on communicating. We each have our own program, but we also have "OUR" program, without which this would never have happened. I will say that being married to another recovering alcoholic is not always a walk in the park, but anything worth having is worth working for. And we both have done that. Thankyou to everyone for this great "cyber meeting".
Member: cathy
Location: midwest
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 23:03:33
Hi I'm Cathy and I'm an alcoholic. What a great topic but never an easy one to discuss honestly. I'm not quite sure what a drinking relationship is really like. I got sober when I was a teenager and had many, way too many "relationaships" sometimes never knowing their last name or even their first name. Six weeks usually seemed to be the breaking point. I admire anyone who can get sober while being married. Marriage has probably been the biggest challenge of my life next to sobriety. I am a rather eccentric individual, opinionated, somewhat volatile and needy. But also very loving, compassionate and passionate, fun and more stable than most. By the time I had gotten married the first time I was sober 5 years. 1 and1/2 years later he left me with a three month old because .. in his words I was fired. The next few years were well.. hell. But I didn't drink. I did the best I could do everyday and loved my child.
To make a long story short, I have since remarried and have been married 7 1/2 years. I am still sober. And neither he nor my two kids have ever seen me drink. (I have another daughter and my oldest is an incredible kid.) I have even managed to forgive the first Son of a Gun. But, marriage is not easy. I have become an extremely self sufficient person and sharing my life is not my natural inclination. Besides, my husband is well.. human? a classic Alanon? person with his own baggage. It ain't been no bed of roses. But God, I love him. The old timers used to talk about the "Bad Years of Marriage" even after they had been sober. They instilled in me that that was part of the human condition.
It sure isn't as much "fun" as a the honeymoon romances I had grown so addicted to but they hurt too much. I have never been in love more than I am now and I think there is room for more. But it is an effort. I have to remember to laugh and not get so caught up in the details.
I'm rambling. I've appreciated what everyone wrote.
Member: Sanders W.
Location: Graceville, Fl.
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 23:38:25
I am very definitely a real alcoholic and my name is Sanders, I promise, with my hand up, this will be a short post. I had to get in my two cents worth after reading the last three posts from Cathy, Barb C. and Suzanne H. That was most refreshing to hear that people in AA can have happy marriges and have their program too. I realized a long time ago that there are no WINNERS in a divorce, just losers, one maybe more than the other but never the less two losers. Don't misunderstand this post as I know sometimes the only way out is alone, but as I said I surely do hate to see it happen. I am so happy for all three of you and your other halves too. Love to all, Sanders I told you it would be short.
Member: l.lane
Location: California
Date: 20 Apr 1998
Time: 23:58:50
Wow -- that's it -- when I first got sober and began to realize that I didn't need to be taken care of -- my husband had to relinquish his role of care taker -- it was very difficult for him. Now I'm trying to take care of aging father and my husband doesn't like it. He is not overtly mean -- just cold and distant. Too bad. I guess I must remember to act -- don't react. I need to live my life -- regardless of how he wants to live his.
Member: Debbie K.
Location: SD
Date: 21 Apr 1998
Time: 02:16:30
Hi I'm alcholic. Relationships good topic. I have read so really good stuff here. My husband and I got married while we still drinking 1and a half year later I went to treatment, 6 months later my husband went to treatment. I was pretty rocky for awhile. But somehow we learned together how to live sober together. We both learned alot in the family week during treatment about how to communicate with each other, both of our emotions we right on top. We went to tons of meetings some together and alot alone. We both had good sponsors and we prayed alot together. If anything is worth having then it will take alot of work. I had to establish a working relationship with my HP and with myself before I could establish a relationship with hubby, family or friends. That was 9 years ago. Today we are both still sober, we are best friends, partners in life and in work, and we are happy. Acceptance of myself and acceptance of others. took me awhile to learn that. I am really hard headed. The program of AA, the people I met in the program, and my HP give me the strenght and courage to be the best today that I can be. Witrh each day life gets better living life on lifes terms. Thanks Doris for the topic. Thanks for being here and letting me share. God Bless you all, Debbie
Member: Patti K.
Location: NY
Date: 21 Apr 1998
Time: 08:05:35
Hello room, I'm Patti and I am an alcoholic. I needed to say that. RELATIONSHIPS..... GOOD topic not a good idea yet for me. I honestly believe there's a side of me that still is morning the, what I thought to be the best relationship ever, My bottle. I figured it would never leave, I don't have to call it, and It was always there. Now I'm in my 8th year and I'm contemplating my needs as it relates to a human relationship. Now this is difficult. I go into "what if" alot. I think what I'm saying is 'CONTROL' another person who is healthy and would want a relationship would want just that. Communication, understanding and affection. I can do all three, however, in a relationship I feel that for me now, I will hear what the other is saying, but the control keeps coming in, My will not thy will. The control happens because I know that I've been doing it my way for years and it works. But what I'm really saying is I want badly to do it your way but what if....In all aspects of my sobriety and life I'm ok. But today I still must say what do I have to offer in a relationship? Most times I think it through and it's alot, however, I still can't really give myself, the thing most needed. I fear sooo much in this category, so I stay alone. I do go to a minimum of 3 mtgs. a week to learn experience, strength and hope and too, I go to therapy. I feel I'm getting better, because today I Feel, which I never did before. I've learned some of my choices in the past relationships were not good, and that's where I have the problem. I know I can wait, and for now that's what I'm going to do.But I need to tell all of you whom I've read have been in a relationship for some time God bless you, because, You show me it works and for that I'm grateful...There's still hope if I keep coming one day at a time. The best conversationalist is a listener, I'm willing. Thanks sooo much for listening. I know I sound stupid.
Member: Kate T.
Location: On Wisconsin
Date: 21 Apr 1998
Time: 13:01:43
Hi everyone, Kate here, and I'm an alcoholic. This is great. This site is so busy this week, and the topic is one that is ever popular in the recovery world. Sanders, I appreciate that line about the miracle grow. What I've come to find out about relationships is that they do bring out the worst in me, and step six is the step that separates the adults from the children, according to the 12&12. One of my greatest love affairs was with a bottle of alcohol, or whatever else I could get my hands on. I always liked to believe about myself that I was the good guy, and often the victim in relationships. NOT. I'm an alcoholic, self centered in the extreme, and never ever cared about anyone more than I did about myself before I came into this program. I had to get honest about that, because when I came into recovery I found out how ridiculously oversensitive to others I was, how personally I took everyone. My relationships have suffered because I was already in a relationship with my favorite person--me. Of true brotherhood I had no understanding. I wanted to dominate those around me or be domintated. I don't like change, and if relationships continue to grow, they continue to change. Can't take that personally, have to let people have space, I am not other people's higher power, they have one. My problem is learning and living happily on life's terms, and letting my significant other be on their own journey. Funny how we come into the program whipped, get a little love from God and convert into an entitlement proclamation of what we think our mates should be doing. My business is keeping a concious contact with my higher power, and all else takes care of itself. Can I treat my loved one as open-mindedly and loving unconditionally as I could anyone around the tables? This is the great challenge of step 12. Relationships are the pepsi challenge to reflect where my spiritual life stands. Nothing has forced me to my knees faster than emotional turmoil borne in relationship, so the hidden blessing is that they help me to find God's love and learn how to give it. Peace, all. Good week.
Member: Martina G
Location: New England
Date: 21 Apr 1998
Time: 15:52:08
Hi - I'm Martina, an alcoholic. I have been sober for over 12 years (ODAAT) and I can still say that my relationship with my husband was easier in some ways when I was drinking.. though I am thankful for the struggle, as I would not grow otherwise. and, I do understand it. I was an alocholic when we met. when I stopped drinking, he was lost. I became stronger and stronger and not dependent on him anymore and I think it has been hard for him (and us). It sort of became like we were different people and we weren't sure that was what we wanted. But, I wouldn't trade my sobriety for what "felt" easier and neither of us would want me to. He does better when he attends alanon. so do I. My relationship with my son and daugher did become immediately better with sobriety. In fact, I was quite distant in particular from my daughter pre-sober days and now we are quite close. I am very grateful for the redeemed years. Now that my kids are adults, I still find myself wanting that control and need to constantly watch this. this is my biggest challenge with them all : letting go. (and letting God).
I was telling my pastor recently that I respected my husband for putting up with me during all the cruddy years and I know alot of men wouldn't have. I was just reflecting and trying to express some gratitude. and you know what? I was surprised when he agreed with me !! (typical alcoholic --- expecting to be stroked !) anyway, my family has found it true that hardship has been the pathway to peace in relationship, even though the peace doesn't always look like I thought it would. This sober journey is so much more rewarding than being high. I wouldn't trade it.
have a great rest of the week everybody.
Member: Sherry N.
Location:
Date: 21 Apr 1998
Time: 17:13:03
Sherry, alcoholic, My husband had a really hard time before I got into serious recovery and got sober. I think alot of what happens is that we as alcoholics are scared/ashamed/etc. so we don't want to do what in my case helped most: just telling my husband what it was like for me and how much I wanted to change it and explaining how it felt to feel powerless against alcohol. This is my first time on this board. Sherry
Member: Eddie G.
Location: Waiane HI
Date: 21 Apr 1998
Time: 19:24:38
HI, My name is Eddie, and I am a alcoholic.
Relationships is a very good topic. When i can into the program I found out that my view on life was clouded by who and what I was.
The program is teaching me to take responsibilty for my action. In Hawaii we call this buying the bag. Trying to have the best possible relation with those about me, which doesn't mean that I have to sell myself out. Which means to me that I just try to get along, respecting others, clean up my side of the street and for give the other for his. This has worked for me. (most to the time.) WHere I have the problem is at home, with the kids. I have three kids at home and how I stay sober thru there teen age years is truely a testament to the program. My oldest son is 21, and "today" we have a good relationship. Than I have two teenage girls living at home. with two totally different personalitys. one shy the other outgoing. one afraid to take risk the other put no thoughts into what she does. There sould be a book out there some place on "How to stay sober thru your kids teenage years" That's a joke of course. The way I stay sober is just to keep it simple. meetings, homegroup, sponser,fellowship, and hp. some days I work the program, and some days the program works me.
Member: Mark C.
Location: N.Y.
Date: 21 Apr 1998
Time: 20:03:15
HI MY NAME IS MARK AND I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. I AM SOBER NOW 2 and a half years. I've been in a relationship for about ayear now. Every dificulty so far has to do with control, when one person does not do what the other wants, unhappiness is the result whenever we just let go of the control ,both parties are happy, my favorite line is "OH WELL,WHATEVER!"
Member: Meri P
Location: Northern California
Date: 21 Apr 1998
Time: 22:11:15
Hi, My name is Meri and I'm an alcoholic. I have been sober 15 years and married for almost 1 year. So many of you were married first and then got sober. I do not have experience with this. I got sober when I was a teenager (like Midwest Cathy)and my husband has never seen me drunk. I have had my share of bad times and difficulty in relationships but, I am very happy to report that this first year of marriage has been absolute bliss for me. I am so very grateful that I have my sobriety and that I have been gifted with the tools of A.A to help me be a better person and a better partner in my relationship. Thank you all so much for being here. I need A.A.
Member: Gail C
Location: Northern California
Date: 21 Apr 1998
Time: 23:33:00
Hi I'm Gail C, an alcoholic from Northern CA. I could relate to what Merri was saying. I did not drink until 8 mos. ago, and got sober 4 mos. ago and have been married four years, so my husband didn't have much experience with me drunk either. I know I still have alot to work on as far as who I am and who I want to be, but my marriage is an active and beautiful part of my life both before and after , not to mention during my drinking. Marriage helps me stay sober but it's all of you and AA as an org. that keeps me solid and allows my marriage to be as good as it is. THANKS FOR BEING THERE!
Member: Andrea
Location: Vermont
Date: 22 Apr 1998
Time: 11:05:11
Hi I'm Andrea and I am an alcoholic. I love to dance, particularly partner dancing. I came to the conclusion last night that a relationship is alot like partner dancing.....I must stay in my own step, I must pay attention to what I'm doing for the dance to come out right. It's always a give and take...but most importantly, I have to watch myself first, what my partner is doing is his affair, I buy into it or leave it alone.
My ex-husband and I were drinking buddies. I stopped drinking 6 years ago, he's continued. I found the program just a year ago. Our divorce was final last month. I thank my higher power every day for the gifts I've found in sobriety and in the program. I hope with my next relationship that I can maintain the dance. Thank you for letting me share.
Member: Cathy
Location: Midwest
Date: 22 Apr 1998
Time: 14:00:11
Hi I'm Cathy and I'm an alcoholic. I have been thinking a lot about what everyone has shared on this topic and it reminds that the hardest thing is staying with ONE PERSON. Being an excitment junkie as well as bored easily, I take my marriage OD at a T and try and talk to my husband.. believe it or not... when I find my eyes wandering. The truth of the matter is, I sometimes don't like myself when I am with one person for long. The real me has an opportunity to surface and I am not always happy with what appears. With each new partner, I used to me my best self. No wonder I jumped from person to person, bed to bed. Mind you, this was sober too. It's hard to see myself in all my imperfections. But, the alternative.. the lonliness, the shame, the confusion. I had enough. I just need to remind myself ... just like the drinking.. that it really wasn't fun.
Eddie G. I love the expression buying the bag. I will use it. And Meri P. It is nice to hear about another successful teen recoverer. All my sober teen peers of 16 years ago are dead or drunk or trying to put 90 days together.
This has been really good to hear everyone struggles but continues to try. Peace.
Cathy
Member: Troy F.
Location: Alberta
Date: 22 Apr 1998
Time: 15:34:55
My name is Troy and i'm a drinking alcoholic with a few days of sobrity once in a while it surely does effect relationships. All of your comment give me hope that indeeed some day i can not drink and that the days will turn to years. I have a beutiful wife and 18mth old daughter and my relationship with them is not what it should be. i need help and read all that i have read here today tells me that there is help out there i just have to ask. my wife never get mad just sad i belive i'm such a controll freak that i'm sure she is to scared to say what is really on her mind but when i'm at work an sober I know what she must think and I fell for her. Unfortunately i'm not strong enough to tell her that I know my drinking is effecting our relationship. I heard some of you say it took a break in your marriages before you did anythig about your drinking. I hope that I will see the way before that happens. My wife has been with me for 10years 7 of which we have been married. I will do somthing about my problem; maybe today..Thanks for letting me read your lives and I hope the next time I have any comments I can say how many days i've been sober and not how many hours!!! Everyone take care. Thanks
Member: Kar
Location: Washington
Date: 22 Apr 1998
Time: 16:40:56
Hey everyone... I'm Kar and I've been very fortunate in the relationship area.... I met my girlfriend just about the same time I started my sobriety which was almost 6yrs ago... we have the most wonderful relationship... sure, we have the ups and downs but majority of ups!*s* I think it's because we just let eachother be who we are... not trying to do a whole lot of changing of eachother... She's in recovery too and going on 8yrs... I think that helps us both out because we understand even that much more of eachother... But the main thing is control... we don't try to do that... it never has worked in the past and I'm convinced it never will now... It's the same as when I first came into the program of AA as it is now, Page 449 has done wonders in my life... Acceptance is the key to all my problems today.... I must keep my magic magnifying mind ON my ACCEPTANCE and OFF my expectations... It really does work!! *s*
Member: Kar
Location: Washington
Date: 22 Apr 1998
Time: 16:47:31
I almost forgot... to Troy F... thanks for sharing! I do hope that you find sobriety if it is truly what you want... It sounds like you know the drinking is a problem... you ARE strong enough to let your wife know... just lay the cards out on the table... she already knows what the hand is I'm sure and she would probably love to hear some honesty... that's how I feel about it and I know you'll do what you think is best. You have support here when you want it... *s*
Member: Randy D.
Location: Canton, Ohio
Date: 23 Apr 1998
Time: 09:32:22
Relationships, Before I gave up drinking and using 11 years ago, my relationship was with my bottle or chemical and my thoughts and actions were guided not by love of others, but greed and need. My sponsor told me that there are no Angels in Heaven that they were all put here on Earth to live with us male and female alcoholics. I now know that to be true. I am still working out family problems with my wife, daughter and son. But guess what it keeps getting better each day that I am sober. I am an expert at the tenth step, I learned it well because I am a slow learner and could not learn to be wrong. You know, I am wrong alot of times, but I catch it early now, sometimes even before I shove my foot into my mouth. I am constantly making amends for the damage that I caused my children when they were young and my wife. I used to think that I caused no harm, but after being in these rooms for awhile you begin too see the damage that alcohol does to the family, no one is left unscathed. I do not beat myself up, just do the best I can and move forward. Try practicing a litlle love and treat all around you the way you wish to be treated and you will soon find out that things get better. Love Randy
Member: Debbie H.
Location: CoCo County, Calif
Date: 24 Apr 1998
Time: 03:32:05
Good evening to all. My name is Debbie H. and i am a grateful recovery alcoholic. On the topic of relationships, I am truly baffled at how my relationships have become in recovery. Never in my wildest dreams could I ever have been so successful in this topic. Must be recovery cuz' left up to me--well we all know how that one goes. This is my first entry into the staying cyber network and am very please d to have found you all here. I left my husband in early recovery--in fact the day I got into recovery and have continued to watch his own disease progress. I took the suggestion of one year no relationship and turned it into 2 1/2 years. That's ok-some are sicker then others. Though that time I attended a 4th step workshop and the servant gave me some food for thought. He had us write down all the qualities we wanted in our partner, I was so excited thinking yea that's the person for me. Then it came, he said "become that person and that person will appear in your life" Man was I disappointed, for a moment. Then I realized that this too, is an inside job and I took his suggestion. Since that time I have found that person. Never in my wildest dreams. We've been together for some time now and am having our 3rd year anniversary today. It's to bad God had other plans for my partner then to share this day together with me but I know in my heart that we will have many more. Her mother is very sick with SP and she is home caring for her. I can only say that this relationship, as well as all the others in my life are truly "A GOD THING". As for the children, I have 3 of my own who experienced my disease first hand and am grateful to say that with time, love and alot of understanding we have developed a true friendship. Until next time, thanks for being here.
Member: Ann C
Location: Paris suburbs, France
Date: 24 Apr 1998
Time: 17:24:17
Ann here, alcoholic. I was married for 25 years to a man I used to love. We both drank a lot together, but he was a "heavy drinker", and I am an alcolholic. Towards the end of my drinking, he didn't like it much any more and became physically and verbally abusive. I took it all because I felt so guilty and thought all the shit was my fault, which of course made me drink more and more. When I finally met up with AA he was indifferent and sarcastic, calling the meetings groups of weak drunks who didn't have the guts to drink reasonably. I've been sober for 4 years now, and our divorce came through last September. I feel great. Our relationship was sick and had been for ages, and the separation was hard. Now I count on myself, have self-respect and a wonderful relationship with my 2 almost adult children who understand what happened to me and my son recently told me he was proud of me. OK sometimes it's lonely but I have warm friends in and out of AA, and am still too scared to try for any kind of a "serious relationship. This topic is great, I needed to talk. Have a good week all of you! Ann (nickname neveraloneagain)
Member: Eddie G
Location: Waianae Hi
Date: 24 Apr 1998
Time: 20:58:14
Hi, Eddie Alcoholic Troy, You're on the right track, your admission that you have a problem is half the battle, now comes the other half.
I can only share my experience with you, and that is that I had to lose everything first. When I got to the program I was unemployed, in and out of the psych ward, with suicidal / homicidal ideations. My first wife stuck with me for 7 years, why I don't know. Because if the table wsa turn I don't know if I could have hung in there. I put her threw alot and she took as much as she could, but finally left. But not every alcoholic is like that, some are smart enough to see the writting on the wall. To stop before it's to late. Some have to go all the way to the bottom, and some can raise the bottom to meet them where they are at the present. What worked for me was meetings. I had to meeting after meeting after meeting. "They" told me to make 90 meetings in 90 days" to just try it. In the beginning all I had to do was bring my body, the mind will follow. I didn't have to make a decision until after the 90 days on weather I was in or out.
And for me there was no going back, it took me a long time to get the willingness just to stay sober for one day, it was only after I lost everything that I became will.
I ve been sober for sometime now, and I tell you, it's the best thing that ever happen to me. I been with the same lady for 16 years now, this june we will be our 11th anniversity. My wife and children have never seen me drunk and with Gods help they never will. Make some meetings, it can't hurt
Aloha Eddie
Member: becky
Location: midwest
Date: 24 Apr 1998
Time: 21:56:50
Relationships have always been difficult for me to talk about. Even more, now that I'm sober. I have been married 15 years. Throughout that time, I've had a special love in my life (yes, call it what it is, a lover, a boyfriend), whom I cannot envision living life without. I got into drinking about 2 years ago, when my younger brother died of alcoholism (liver failure). I quickly bottomed (January, 1998), and have been trying to live sober since then. My dilemma...my lover has only once seen me drunk or drinking at all. All of my difficulties with alcohol have been witnessed by my husbad. (I'm really not trying to make up a soap opera....this is my life). Now that I'm sober, I am supposed to do a 4th step, and I don't know where to fit my friend into it. AA says not to make any major changes in your life for at least 12 months' sober-time. I know I'm ready to let go of my current sick marriage. I also know where I want to go when I leave. Any suggestions??!
Member: FAYLA G
Location: GALENA KS
Date: 24 Apr 1998
Time: 22:03:41
FAYLA HERE ,LORI F.I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU TO LET GO ,I HAVE TO DAUGHTERS OF MY OWN . BUT I AM LEARNING TO LET GO ,THEY USED GUILT ON ME THEY KNEW I WAS FULL OF IT . I PRAY FOR YOU I KNOW HOW PAINFULL IT IS ,GOD WILL SHOW YOU, ALL YOU HALF TO DO IS ASK ,LOVE FAYLA
Member: Jane
Location: Ma.
Date: 24 Apr 1998
Time: 23:20:47
Hi everyone! Becky, how about Step 3 for a while to get the perfect solution? Sanders, love the Miracle Grow analogy--so very true. I still have a hard time with relationships. Bringing God, the steps and tools of AA and ALANON into them is the only way I survive.
First marriage 10 years to an alchy and violent man. I picked up the drink when he did me the favor of leaving!!! Five nasty years alone with kids and booze and finally, blessed recovery in AA. Second marriage 16 years--never saw me drunk! Boy, it's alotta work--this wedded bliss. Frankly, this site is a relief if not a sabbatical from relationships that have scorched me this year. Thank you for being there.
Member: John A
Location: dallas tx
Date: 25 Apr 1998
Time: 00:13:06
hi im john and im sick. i left my wife and 2 kids this week i came home last saturday after work my wife was drunk she had been sober for 48 days so it hurt me . she said she was not going to stop drinking satnight and did not come home called me sunday said she was not coming home so i moved out of my house so she would bring kids home.its hard iv been sober 3/23/97 & i just dont get it . why does she have to do this?she asked me to come over tonight to see the kids i did say she had changed the locks on the house it upset me i said some dumb thangs like she can pay the rent if im not allowed in the house then i apolagized to her needless to say she asked me to leave its been a bad night help. john
Member: George B
Location: Chandler, AZ USA
Date: 25 Apr 1998
Time: 00:26:43
Hi, I'm George and I'm an alcoholic. When I went on my first date with me second wife, I had six months of sobriety. On that date I ordered a 'social' drink and within two months we were married and I was on my way for five of the worst five years of my life as an active alcoholic. Whe I finally sobered up and my wife ddn't seem to appreciate the 'miracle,' I considered divorce because at the time I married her I hadn't even bothered to find out her last name before we got married. Today, after twenty two plus years of marriage, I still have the clear memory of my sponsor telling me to give the marriage as many years sober as I did drinking.Today we have a wonderful, loving relationship beyond anythkng I could have ever imagined at that early time in sobriety.
Member: Doris
Location: Oregon
Date: 25 Apr 1998
Time: 02:07:41
John in Dallas, . . . . I am so sorry about what is happening in your life these days. I am sorry about your wife and all of the problems out there for you right now, BUT ! you are not drinking. I hope you don't. What good would it do? . . What harm? . . I can't give you any advice, but I think I can answer your question, She does it because she has an illness and she is in the middle of it right now. Without sounding like a politically correct phony I do want to say I acknowledge your anger and pain. I'm sure they are pretty heavy on you right now and I wish I could help. You do have a right to those feelings. I think you know that but I guess some times we just have to keep on keeping on. I"M sure that everyone here cares about you as I do and I just want to wish you well and God bless you. A friend told me something earlier on in my walk and she said, " When you have to go and do something really tough and you just can't do it alone stand in the doorway and put your arm around God, than walk through the door knowing that God is right there by your side. I've done it ! It works ! What better companion could any of us have when we have to do something as tough as those things that you have to do these days. Bless you, Doris
Member: Amy G.C.
Location: Switzerland
Date: 25 Apr 1998
Time: 04:06:42
John A. we are praying for you around the globe. I was once in such a similar position where I felt the carpet pulled out from under me and it was also relatively early in sobriety. My heart is with you, don`t drink just for today, Love Amy G.C.
Member: Michael T.
Location: Oklahoma City, OK.
Date: 25 Apr 1998
Time: 12:37:10
Michael From Oklahoma City here !! My prayers go out to the ones that are still suffering from the fangs of Alcohol. Fortunately for me that "TROUBLES" have been converted and learned to be "PROBLEMS" that pertain to living. Soberiety for me has been since April 19th. 1990. Am very grateful fot that. Also am grateful to have learned the difference between troubles and problems here. As my ole sponsor says; Life just gets "GOODER AND GOODER"
HUGS AND SMILES TO ALL :)
//ODAT\\
Member: Amy G.C.
Location: Switzerland
Date: 25 Apr 1998
Time: 17:23:43
Here Here Michael T! Ans all problems have solutions, I am still thinking and praying for you John A...Sanders, I agree with you that is refreshing to hear happy stories about marriages working out in spite of the drink. One or especially both partners becoming sober together, what a nice thought (it just didn`t happen for me that way 1st time around). Love to All, Amy G.C.
Member: Diane N.
Location: Washington State
Date: 25 Apr 1998
Time: 18:07:47
Hi! My name is Diane and I am an alcoholic. I am also computer illiterate, so finding this chat room is a miracle in itself.....There are no accidents--this topic has come up in meetings this week and hit me right between the eyes. I am recently sober(98 days) and one of my biggest issues and concerns is my marriage(35 years) and where it is heading.. I have to change now. The alternative is not what I want: going back to that first drink and all the misery and consequences that would be a part of that choice. My husband thinks that I can ease up on the number of meetings I have been attending, but I just don't think he quite grasps totally my need to go so often. ( When I left the other night he called me the "A.A.Queen!").....I've been told to be patient, take it easy and consider my motives and PRAY, so that is what I will endeavor to do. Thanks for letting me share. I'm Diane and I am an alcoholic.
Member: don w.
Location: Akeley Mn.
Date: 25 Apr 1998
Time: 18:32:23
HI. i am don a greatful recovering alcoholic.. Great full that my wife of now 31 yrs stayed with me.. When i got into AA she had been going to Alanon..may that is why she left for a while.. Any way I told her that she was as sick or sicker then i was .. for nobody should have stayed with me.. So she must go to alanon if i was going to AA. Well the miricle of it is that both of us grew up.. we both grew in our own program but we also grew together.. . The 2 childern were another issue.. I had just about burned all the bridges that stood.. the childern Didnot trust DAD one inch..I had lied and was so untruthfull in all aspects with them that it took many years of being sober before they could for give me.When they were 15 and 13 i gave them each a big book and ask them to read it or at least parts of . so may be they could better understand me..I beleive some days they were more mature them i was. the yrs have passed and thank God that my spouce and my 2 childern love and respect me ..Always greatfull to AA. don
Member: Technical Cyrvant
Location:
Date: 25 Apr 1998
Time: 22:39:48
The meeting is now closed
Please do not post any more comments until the meeting is reset for the next week
Thanks SC Tech