Member: Butch S.
Location: Ridgeland Ms.
Date: 04 Apr 1998
Time: 21:44:27

Comments

Honest we have to be honest in all our affairs.When we are honest and speek from the heart sharing our experience strength and hope with others we can help all we come in contact with. My nane is Butch I am a alcoholic in recovery by the grace of God and A.A.Thank you for letting me share.


Member: Helene B.
Location: Sudbury, Ont. Canada
Date: 04 Apr 1998
Time: 22:26:20

Comments

I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. I would like to share on gratitude.

I have been sober for a number of years now and everyday I continue to be amazed at the miracles in my life. It hasn't gotten easier by any means. I've had to face many challenges in '98. My partner walked out on me on Jan. 2, leaving me in a financial mess. Then, my only daughter was hospitalized for 6 weeks and it was pretty shaky for a while. I found myself in another city, sleeping on a hospital cot, watching my only child agonize, not knowing what would happen. When I finally got home, I had to face that financial mountain and I was faced with a flood in my basement and the furnace broke (I'm from Canada...)

I'm not telling this story to complain, but to say how grateful I am to still be sober.. one day at a time. Also, I see the miracles in my life. Life is full of peaks and valleys, and we don't find water on the mountaintop. We grow in our valleys. Before sobriety, I would have been insane by now. Although I sometimes grieve, I feel a peace withtin me, the peace that can only come from the knowledge that I'm being taken care of.

For the newcomer, hang in there. There will come a time when the hardships won't seem so unsurmountable. This is what this year is teaching me.

I'm so grateful to AA and for my sobriety.


Member: Lee P
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
Date: 04 Apr 1998
Time: 23:24:18

Comments

hello there

I am Lee, and I am a recovering alcoholic, who is exceedingly grateful to know that AA is there for me whenever I choose to walk in the door with my ears open, my mind willing, and the desire to quit drinking. I actually dried out 5 1/2 years ago, but am counting my sobriety from February 14th of this year, when I realized I hadn't really sobered up, just swapped addictions.

I am home for the weekend, on leave from a treatment center in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada called River House, a women's residential treatment center. I have been there for the last 4 weeks, digging deep and getting to know myself. On Monday I will receive my BlueBirds pin, and, armed with a firm grounding in AA, a sponsor of 28 years to guide me, a home group I am comfortable in, and an earnest desire to have what you have. I anticipate checking in here, and look forward to meeting you all.

It has been a tough weekend. My s/o is still out there practising (another perfectionist) ; we have been parted (but not split up) since I gave myself this wonderful Valentine's gift, and he doesn't know how to act around me. It is a strange feeling, but the Serenity Prayer has been rolling through my thoughts, and has been a real comfort. I know it will continue to be tough, but I am going to a f2f meeting tomorrow, as well as a step-study with my sponsor tomorrow.

Grateful, recovering, and loving every minute of it....


Member: Thomas L.
Location: Warsaw, Poland
Date: 05 Apr 1998
Time: 03:17:53

Comments

Hello from Poland.

Honesty is a great topic for me. In the past I was a lier, cheat, and thief - spiritually and actually.

Today my life is run on honesty. I have no choice in the matter if I want serenity and I do.

When I waver just a bit my emotional sobriety suffers. I would not trade what I have today for a million dollars, funny enough I hade the chance to do just that about four months ago and I let it go, it hurt but inside I have peace.

Love, Thomas

How is all the gang at the main st. early morning meeting in Stoudsburg, PA


Member: Johnny M.
Location: Ridgeland, Ms.
Date: 05 Apr 1998
Time: 03:19:29

Comments

Hey guys! What's the topic? Is it honesty or gratitude? Just curious.


Member: Amy G.C.
Location: Switzerland
Date: 05 Apr 1998
Time: 05:23:20

Comments

Hey guys, both honesty and gratitude have been discussed. I have an urgent request to discuss commitment, the emotional kind that comes with a few years of sobriety. Yesterday I found myself so completely self absorbed and angry and closed. The way I used to feel before I would tie one on in the old days. I was in a huge argument with my mate and I threatened anything in rage. I could not get a grip on my commitment, the easiest thing in my past was to run, which I did. Now is there an AA oldtimer with advise on a personal or aa literature level to help me. I do not need or want to run from my problems from a bad habit. AA has showed me bad habits can be changed. Thanks for letting me share, Amy G.C.


Member: Andrew D
Location: Melbourne Australia
Date: 05 Apr 1998
Time: 07:47:16

Comments

Whenever I feel like running away I try to find exactly what it is I am running away from. I have found that almost every time it is because I am not getting my own way! I assume that because I am sober now, life should be a bed of roses -

Is sobriety all there is ???

YES - If I am lucky, very very lucky !!!


Member: Cathy V
Location: Halifax N.S.
Date: 05 Apr 1998
Time: 08:02:55

Comments

This is the first time I have used this online AA meeting, I have been sober for 12 years, and I have a 4 year old boy, which makes it really difficult to get to meetings. When i was single I spent every Sunday morning at a discussion meeting, so this is great for me. I can still feel isolated without contact with other members. I am very grateful for my sobriety, I know I would be dead by now without AA, and I love the fact that I am a sober Mom. I used to drink every week-end in bars, and now I know longer miss that life and everything that goes with it. It takes a long time to get better from this disease.


Member: Randy S.
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Date: 05 Apr 1998
Time: 08:10:09

Comments

Hi everyone,I'm Randy and I'm an alcoholic! Honesty is something I am learning about on a daily basises.Before A.A.,honesty was alien to me,but running was natural.I understand, Amy G.C.,about running! I did that most of my life. Today,when my mate and I have theses bad times in our lives,I have to do something that I am not crazy about doing, I have to look at my part in it.Where was I wrong? What did I do to egg this on? When I look at my part,I still may be right,but right or wrong I still want to be happy. I talked to my sponsor about it one time, when I was right about the fight,He told me;"Randy would you rather right or would you rather be happy".Amy,I hope you can hang in there and remember,like the old broken clock hanging on the wall,I'm right twice a day!!! Soberity and Peace within! Randy S.


Member: Patti K.
Location: L>I> New York
Date: 05 Apr 1998
Time: 09:32:38

Comments

Hello room, Yesterday I spent 8 hours attempting to find out why when I try to enter coffee pot, my computer freezes. When a helpful employee of Gateway's computer finally froze they understood. (gratitude) I told them that I could not understand how I can get into this, but not the other link. They stated that, the browser for this site must be different. HOURS (6) later and 7 different people could not believe what was happening to my computer as it is new and has what is needed, they say, to contact this site. Anyone else have the problem of getting into the coffee pot? I spent my 45th birthday yesterday, 8 hours back and forth on the phone, exhausted, updating aol30, and talking to techs. I could never have done this drinking. Gratitude. They were helpful and I'm happy that I can atleast get into this to be in touch with my Friends. Words cannot express the gratitude I have for AA. I live everyday as though it was my first. Thankyou for being there. Fear on the other hand is creeping up, my son is flying to Italy with his class on 3/8, He is l5. I don't fear his actions I fear the plane ride. I'm on the 3rd step constantly this day and one day at a time after. My HP and I are vigilant of my needs as I talk to him 24/7. God bless all of you for being sober, and sharing. Thankyou for listening.


Member: jrr
Location: harmony on the Lake
Date: 05 Apr 1998
Time: 18:17:35

Comments

well I think they might have a program to gripe about relationships ...for me , I was told anytime I am in emotional turmoil...It is not the other person or situation I need to look at ...It is myself...usually some type of self-centeredness...fear, instincts run amok--overbearing demands on others..,unrealistic expectations of the same...but as I get honest in all areas of my life...as a result of this action program...instead of trying to think my way into new acting...I take the suggestions, and stick to my part/reaction in any given area of my life..I truly am grateful that I was told early on...It is not Their actions...but MY Reaction I have to work on ...with AA and prayer.


Member: MIKE W
Location: SAUDI ARABIA
Date: 05 Apr 1998
Time: 21:33:10

Comments

HI EVERYONE. I'M MIKE AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC. THANKS FOR THE MEETING AS I'M IN SAUDI ARABIA AND HAVE NO ACCESS TO LIVE ONES. HONESTY IS A GOOD TOPIC, WHEN I WAS DRINKING I WAS RARELY HONEST WITH OTHERS, AND ALMOST NEVER HONEST WITH MYSELF. I HAVE BEEN SOBER OVER 5 YEARS, AND STILL HAVE ALOT OF WORK ON HONESTY TO GO. I FIND THAT IF I'M HONEST WITH MYSELF, THEN I TEND TO BE HONEST WITH OTHERS. TO BE HONEST I HAVE TO SAY THAT IT'S A MIRACLE THAT I'M SOBER, IF IT WASN'T FOR AA, I WOULD NOT STAND A CHANCE. FAITH IN A HIGHER POWER ALLOWS ME TO MAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. WHEN DRINKING AND ALONE IN THE WORLD I WAS A DISASTER READY TO HAPPEN, AA IS LIKE A BEAM THAT ALLOWS ME TO IMPROVE MYSELF A LITTLE AT A TIME, AND WHEN I GET OFF COURSE, MY FELLOW AA'S HELP TO GUIDE ME BACK ON...... EVEN OVER THE INTERNET...THANKS FOR A GREAT MEETING.........TALK AT YOU LATER MIKE W.


Member: mark d
Location: las vegas,nevada.usa
Date: 05 Apr 1998
Time: 22:22:18

Comments

mark here alcoholic.......honesty? gratitude?....how bout I am honestly grateful to be an alcoholic.....how's that for a zinger? Had I not been an alkie, I may not have survived till the gift of recovery was given to me. Maybe I will comment later in the week....been kinda down of late....ya'll stay powerless y'hear....


Member: Kathy P.
Location: chgo,IL
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 02:38:27

Comments

Hi all This is really great that I found you. I couldn't sleep so I came online and I never knew I could share my experience strength and hope right here in my home.

Knowing I am alcohlic and saying it makes me feel real honest and gratful for I wouldn't be here if I didn't come clean with who I really am. I feel like a miracle a minute, we all are.


Member: Dee B.
Location: Roseburg, Oregon
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 03:15:43

Comments

I also enjoy being online on occasion and like to check out this meeting. It is helpful to share our experience, strength and hope this way. Since I have moved to Oregon, most of my friends are back home in Washington and those phone bills get expensive.

The way I stay sober is attending as many meetings as possible, reading and meditating and reaching out to other alcoholics. Life is not always easy but AA gives me a lot of hope and encouragement. Keep coming back.


Member: Derek D
Location: Australia
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 07:56:20

Comments

Hi all, my name is derek and Im an alcoholic. It took 18 years to realise this fact and I have now been sober for four days. I am so grateful that I found this site as I have just come home form a meeting and the bewitching, boredom hour is upon me. A step at a time! Mine is measured in hours.


Member: eric e
Location: bayou country
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 08:14:53

Comments

eric, alcoholic here, i just read all the new shares and started thinking about gratitude. i have been sober for over eight years and my live has been changed by aa in so many ways that it is difficult to add up all the things i have to be grateful for.aa has given me a life, my old life was filled with pain and fear, i was killing myself everyday. i have been given new friends that i cherish and a life that works.my job is great, i have financial security and i was able to to have a real relationship with my dad before he died. i have a wonderful wife who loves me and today i feel on top of the world.it seems that gratitude is always a great topic for me. thanks


Member: Cathy V.
Location: Nova Scotia
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 08:32:50

Comments

Hi. I've posted on this meeting twice in the past two days. I am finishing exams , and am stressed out, but I would appreciate it if anyone wanted to email me about sobriety that they would send it to TPayne7348@aol.com I find it difficult not being able to get out to meetings to keep a good attitude.thanks.


Member: Celeste L.
Location: Missouri
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 11:46:43

Comments

Mark D. hit a spot on me. Honestly grateful to be an alcoholic. I've been in recovery now for 12 years and still run into walls with being grateful and honest. Of course this throws me into the opposite reaction; self-pity. Thank you for clicking the that circuit in my memory and giving me something to attach it too. It is the first time that I see the connection between this disease and my role as a "survivor". Will be checking in often since I have trouble going to meetings with the way my chronic pain kicks me. I am grateful to find this meeting. I am grateful that there are recovering alcoholics who can contribute to it. Catch you later.


Member: Kate T.
Location: Badger state
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 12:49:05

Comments

Hi everyone, I'm Kate, I'm an alcoholic. Good blend of topics here this week. The truth is you really can't have one without the other, honesty does invoke gratitude. Hey Amy, been there!! Step 10 of the 12 & 12, page 90. It is a spirtual axiom that every time we are disturbed no matter what the cause there is something wrong with us. I too had to look closely, thoroughly and fearlessly at those patterns in my life of running. I found a very basic, instinctual flight or fright posture--defenses that I'd used for years. I had to become fully aware that my head was a dangerous place for me, and that letting someone into it was necessary for me--there was no way I was going to find my way out of the fog. There is great risk in committment of any kind, because inevitably it changes--me! I used to go to meetings and listen to chapter 5 and think 'I'm not one of those that are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.' Yes, well, that's me. And I would feel bad for those of you who had grave emotional and mental disorders. I had come to realize that the emotional twists of my past did cause me to live a mentally disordered life. It's the implied consent of step 2--the implication is that I need restoration to sanity, (my responsibility to see this) and the pain of this truth urges me to be willing to believe that God could or would if he were sought. All of my intoxicated (including emotional) life I have been trying to find some human power to relieve me of my alcoholism, to make me feel better, all the while setting up my true nature of co-dependecy. I picked up a bottle, I picked up a man whatever. Expectations are premeditated resentments, and it has taken me awhile just to admitt what my expectations were. I'm so grateful today. You people and your presence have made it easier for me to face myself, and to embrace the love of God without fear. The process works--rigorous honesty and humility have been the doorway to new beginnings for me. Thanks, you guys.


Member: Wm. B.
Location: Shirley, LI, NY
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 13:29:17

Comments

Honesty -- a goo topic. i really believe that honesty is an important key to sobriety. On a daily basis i try to determine how i feel emotionally. To do this i must really get honest. I try to sense how i'm feeling about myself, to others, and whether i am in a funk. if i am honest with myself i can sense small things. i will know if i am angry, havin a resentment, depressed, or anything else. if i am honest about taking my inventory i can usually find out what has kicked off the feeling. However important self honesty is, it is equally important to live honestly wiht ohters. I for one, am tired of living a lie. To be honest with others is a fearful experience, and i know that if i can walk through the fear i will be alright -- at least most of the time. Yes, for me, honesty is the key. When i try to avoid getting honest i jeopardize my sobriety. It has taken years to get to this point and sometimes i have a hard time, but for the mostpart i have had success. It is when i am honest that i get the reward for it, and then the gratitude sets in. I'll keep on putting in the effort -- afterall -- all that i do is an investment in me and my sobriety.

I hope i didn't run on too much. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Bye for now.


Member: Patrick L.
Location: Providence, RI
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 14:21:47

Comments

Hello everybody. My name is Patrick, and I'm an alcoholic and addict. It took many AA meetings and 2 more times out there before I could get honest about the addict part. While alcohol is most definately my drug of choice, the other ones always brought me back to it.

It never amazes me that I can (virtually) walk into a meeting and hear what I need to hear. I had a horrible, depressing day yesterday, and I'm trying to sort it out. I found the solution above. The problem is me and my reaction to something. I feel better - thank you.


Member: carlos e.    
Location: san diego ca.
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 14:28:18

Comments

this my first cybermeeting,thanks to god and a.a. i have been sober for 5 years. been honest is my goal but im not yet 100%,but im working on it!!


Member: EVA H.
Location: MYRTLE BEACH, SC
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 17:22:04

Comments

HELLO TO ALL OF YOU STRONG PEOPLE, I FINALLY REALIZED THIS WEEKEND THAT I DEFINITELY NEED HELP. MY FIRST STEP WAS TO CONTACT "CHARTER HOUSE" AND HAVE A MEETING WITH A COUNSELOR. SHE TOLD ME I NEEDED INTENSIVE OUTPATIENT CARE, NO INPATIENT CARE, THANK GOD! MY NEXT STEP IS TO MEET WITH THE GROUP. IM VERY NERVOUS BUT I KNOW ONLY GOOD THINGS WILL COME FROM THIS. I WILL LET YOU KNOW NEXT WEEK WHAT HAPPENS!


Member: Robin S.
Location: Plano, TX
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 18:48:26

Comments

Hello everybody! My name is Robin and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. Because this program works and I choose to use it on a daily basis I have been sober since June 14, 1989. The hardest thing about honesty for me is getting honest with me. After almost 9 years I still find that I can paint myself into that corner of denial! I have been going through several days of downs and couldn't seem to put my finger on the problem until I started doing that inside job deal again. Being entirely honest with myself is one of the most difficult things for me to do, but with the help of the 12 steps and fellow alcoholics like you, I've come a long way! Now if I could just get past the sloth thing and get into action one more time! Thank you for being here!


Member: Judyrose  M.
Location: Boston,Mass
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 19:34:41

Comments

My name is Judyrose...and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. I am grateful that this program and the life that this fellowship has afforded me....someone who drank as I did should be dead...Not living with the grace of sobriety..that you all have given me. A day at a time in this program, one drink and the "grace of God" is all that separates me from the Drunk dying in the street.....For that I am truly grateful and therefore responsible to any other Drunk who approaches AA.


Member: Dave W
Location: LA---Lower Alabama
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 21:25:35

Comments

Hello to all. I am another grateful recovering alcoholic. For the past year I have been taking care of my father who has Alzheimers Disease. Without this program I could have never done this. Would have taken off to get drunk. I take it ODAAT and life is sure great. For the past 3 months I've been unable to go to f2f meetings and the many Internet sites relating ot Alcoholism has been a life saver. Have been attending AA meeting online and it has been a rewarding experience. I am most gratful for being an Alcoholic, otherwise would have never meet so many wonderful people in person or in cyberspace. Hope to be hear again soon. Thanks for letting me share!


Member: Areyouloco2
Location: TEXAS
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 21:49:49

Comments

Hey gang, first time on new at this, been sober one day at a time since Oct 95 this time around been back out there once,WELL 2 or 3 or 4 Who's counting anyway. Honesty, I have to work on daily just like not taking a drink on a daily basis.


Member: Sarena J.H.
Location:
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 21:59:16

Comments


Member: Sarena J.
Location:
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 22:08:49

Comments

Hello! I am currently an active alcholic who is very unhapppy being such! I am engaged to a doctor, who believes that will power should be the only method that works. Although, I know that that's not the way to do it! I need help!

Help!

Sarena


Member: Sarena J.
Location:
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 22:09:00

Comments

Hello! I am currently an active alcholic who is very unhapppy being such! I am engaged to a doctor, who believes that will power should be the only method that works. Although, I know that that's not the way to do it! I need help!

Help!

Sarena


Member: Sarena J.
Location:
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 22:09:11

Comments

Hello! I am currently an active alcholic who is very unhapppy being such! I am engaged to a doctor, who believes that will power should be the only method that works. Although, I know that that's not the way to do it! I need help!

Help!

Sarena


Member: Libby W.
Location: Glenside Pa
Date: 06 Apr 1998
Time: 22:36:11

Comments

HiEveryone Libby alcoholic. Great topic if only I were more in touch with my gut! Just read Kate from the badger state and nearly cried. I noticed what you printed, Kate, was what I have done the past two times I tried AA.That istinctual fight or flight syndrome is sooo much a part of my nature.I get into emotional scrapes and say oh that is not me believe it then take off.Facing myself and what I am responsible for I can only pray God gives me the stamina and courage to continue on.By reading your post I have more hope. THANK YOU!


Member: fayla   g
Location: galena  ks
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 02:18:09

Comments

serena i am fayla ive been sober 17 months please contact some one from aa you realize you have a problem and another alcoholic is the answer to our prayers i am praying for you now to ihave seen so much life and love threw sober eyes in the 17 monthes that i have been sober i wish you the love and peace that i have one of the many feelings i hated when i was drinking was that knot in my stomic the size of a football and the anger i hated that i hated every thing and everybody myself most of all and i dont feel that way i have days when ifeel myself getting shakey ameeting is my answer i hope it all works out for you i love you ' remember anytime you reach out we will be right hear your friend fayla g


Member: Dee B.
Location: Roseburg, Oregon
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 02:24:59

Comments

I saw that Sarena hit the button more than once and your message printed a few times. That's ok and don't listen to that willpower thing. My father had the willpower to quit smoking, drinking, etc. and was the worst dry drunk from the time he quit drinking until his death. I followed in his footsteps. I was a horrible dry drunk. Then I met a friend who got me into AA and I learned how to manage my life, emotions, and to stay sober but I learned the word sobriety which had not been in my vocabulary.

Just came from a step study mtg.--step 4 and I am grateful to hear from the oldtimers in AA. If any of you down here in Oregon have something to say--it would be nice. Good to hear from you AA's on the east coast.


Member: Dee B.
Location: Roseburg, Oregon
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 02:25:15

Comments

I saw that Sarena hit the button more than once and your message printed a few times. That's ok and don't listen to that willpower thing. My father had the willpower to quit smoking, drinking, etc. and was the worst dry drunk from the time he quit drinking until his death. I followed in his footsteps. I was a horrible dry drunk. Then I met a friend who got me into AA and I learned how to manage my life, emotions, and to stay sober but I learned the word sobriety which had not been in my vocabulary.

Just came from a step study mtg.--step 4 and I am grateful to hear from the oldtimers in AA. If any of you down here in Oregon have something to say--it would be nice. Good to hear from you AA's on the east coast.


Member: Bonnie C
Location:
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 03:05:30

Comments

Hi extended family, ROOM-HUG, my name is Bonnie and I'm a recovering alcoholic and nut case, Gratitude, serenity and committment, good topics, when I was 12 days sober my mother died, God sent me an alcoholic chaplin to tell me the news and we held a mini meeting in my livingroom before I went to a noon meeting to share the miracle, nobody knew I was in the program yet. at 1 yr sober my 14 yr old daughter ran away to mexico with her 20 yr old boyfriend and I didnt hear from them for 6 wks, I had to give her to God to do with as he wished for my holding on so tight was sure to get me drunk, My 15 yr old son had kidney failure about 2 wks after his sister ran away and died and was brought back only after I gave him to God, my 8 yr old son broke his arm in this time period playing with a truck in the spin cycle, I just plain gave him up to God for I had the practice and I knew the serenity after I did so. by the way they are all healthy and happy today the youngest is 26 and the oldest is 32, my playing God is what keeps my life in turmoil, crisis junkie, no more. If I'm not self honest I can't be honest with you. to thine own self be true. I have to be honest in all my affairs, like last week I had 2 events to test that, first I was handed $30 more at the bank and the second was I was handed an extra box of contacts at the eye doc, the first took me 3 days to return after I realized the mistake and the second was a no brainer, I immediately handed them back. by the way I almost kept the $30, why? I dont know, but the test was there and the girl whose drawer came up short was very releived when I showed up, I am still teachable and growing, and I'm not perfect just progressing. I can be honest in my committed relationship only because I've done a lot of co-dependent inventories, you see I would always pick men who were emotionally unavailable and/or who I could fix so they would be so grateful that they would be faithful and obligated to the relationship. see when I'm on the giving end of a relationship I'm in control (I think) and when I'm on the receiving end I'm vulnerable so I have to control the situations. well after I saw this one, I did the inventories on my Man/woman relationships and found how all my problems were of my own making, that I had made decisions based on self that later kicked my ass. today I choose to have relationships with those who have like interests, that aren't a challenge and that are spiritually on the same plane, if we can't get down on our knees and pray together then I'm not living up to the principles I've acquired for all my affairs, and if I don't stand for something I'll fall for anything and little by little my dignity and self-worth will slip away and I will be in a slippeery place again. I choose not to go there for I have had joy in my life on a daily basis for the past 3+ yrs. a lady once told me this was possible and I thought she was full of shit, but I did the work she suggested and hung in there till the miracle happened. Over the past 17yrs there has been divorce, leaving the kids, bankruptcy, being homeless with nothing and thats coming from a home overlooking the ocean in san diego with all the toys, prestiege and social acceptance. I will go to any lengths for my sobriety for without it nothing else matters. thank God for AA and thank AA for my God. Dear God Bless All that Enter Here. bonzoc@webtv.net


Member: Gail B
Location: TX
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 08:34:36

Comments

Hi, Gail here, alchoholic. Wow after reading the preceding comment my problem seems trivial however, I feel the need to ask for guidance from some old timers anyway. I have been sober and active in AA for almost 1 year & 6 mos. My family is small and we all live in close proximity and have family get togethers fairly frequently. My problem is that my mother and one of my brothers continue to monitor my sobriety and frequently take my inventory (past wrong & insane behavior) when they are around. I realize that it takes a long time to recover lost trust but this is annoying the hell out me. I have discussed this with them and when I try to explain to them how this makes me feel, they tell me I'm in denial because I don't want to continually relive my past behavior. In the beginning I would let them discuss this behavior and let them know how ashamed I was about it and how sorry I was for what I had put them through. I thought it would be healthy for all of us to get those feelings out. But now I'm getting tired of it. Should I paste a sign on my forehead that says "alcoholic and today I choose not to drink"? I have admitted to myself and to them that I am an alcoholic and haven't given them any reason that I can find to continually relive my past. No one in the family will attend any form of AA related meetings as they have no problems. Is there an appropriate way to respond to this type of behavior aside from divorcing them? Because I have such a small family, I wouldn't be happy with that. I realize that time may help, but how much time? Will this be going on 20 years from now? The serenity prayer is said over and over in my mind when they are around but it seems the only way I can get relief is to leave. Am I asking for too much too soon? Any ideas are greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Gail


Member: Bee W.
Location: Phila
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 11:44:56

Comments

I am an alcoholic and I am also trying my will power to quit and it is only getting harder. Not only is it alcohol but it is also drugs. I am binge drinker and I feel like I am falling fast into a pattern that I cannot control. I read the comments and they are very inspiring and I only wish I could control my problem. Help!!!!


Member: Bee W.
Location: Phila
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 11:45:16

Comments

I am an alcoholic and I am also trying my will power to quit and it is only getting harder. Not only is it alcohol but it is also drugs. I am binge drinker and I feel like I am falling fast into a pattern that I cannot control. I read the comments and they are very inspiring and I only wish I could control my problem. Help!!!!


Member: Bee W.
Location: Phila
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 11:45:35

Comments

I am an alcoholic and I am also trying my will power to quit and it is only getting harder. Not only is it alcohol but it is also drugs. I am binge drinker and I feel like I am falling fast into a pattern that I cannot control. I read the comments and they are very inspiring and I only wish I could control my problem. Help!!!!


Member: Jane
Location: Illinois
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 11:47:10

Comments

Hi,I'm Jane and an alcoholic. First off, Gail from Texas..You have a choice today. You have apparently spoke to your family and told them that there is no need to dig into the past and "They say denial.." I've been there myself. I finally said "Yes I did that but I'm leaving in today, working on my one day at a time, and if you wish to continue I'll have to leave." and I did if they continued. It's called "Tough Love". You are not divorcing them but simply showing them where you are today. My mom was an active alcoholic when I first got into the program and we went thru some of this, which was tough but today she is in the program and holds one more month of soberity then I do because I relapsed. Just keep going to meetings, reading you Big Book, pray to your Higher Power for his will to be done and it will all work out.

I wanted to talked about honesty but I have taken up enough space. Honesty is part of HOW and that is part of my program.

Thanks,

Jane


Member: Wm.B.
Location: Shirley, LI, NY
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 12:07:10

Comments

I identified with the problem Serena J. and Bee W. is having. I too was caught in everyone else’s "willpower" and it made getting sober tuff. After many failures I finally got to the bottom of "willpower" – other people have it and I don’t. For me it is having a "desire to stay abstinent" that works. "Willpower is too rigid – I broke many times before I learned to "forgive" and "bend". I set a goal for myself and followed the path to it. I know full well that the drink is there "if I choose to pick it up" – but my goal keeps me focused. When I was performing "willpower games" and failed to stay sober I would "beat myself up terribly" and would usually then drink to "stop feeling." I discovered that it was my responsibility to find out "what triggered me to drink" and to also be willing to take suggestions from "sober people" (support group). I discovered then, that if I drank, it was because I failed to follow suggestions, wasn’t paying attention to putting myself into high-risk situations, or suppressed how I was feeling – until relapse was the answer (usually relief, albeit temporary). Today relapse in not an option. I had to learn self-forgiveness of having made a mistake (usually for not paying attention to emotions run rampant, or putting myself into high-risk situations) and to then re-assert my commitment to sobriety; getting back on-line through honest and rigorous effort. I had to learn to cope with emotion – "to feel" and become aware of all of my emotions, and accept them for what they are, neither good or bad, just feelings. I needed to learn how to react to emotions in an appropriate manner. This way, instead of staying "out there, in relapse" I was able to learn from mistakes, and to live life on lifes’ terms. I started to enjoy life and learned how to always remain vigilant about myself, my surroundings, and especially on placing expectations on others. Acceptance & Willingness convey all that I had to do to get where I am today. I learned along the way not to challenge my sobriety – the "ism" of my disease is really strong – and I always try to understand where my "feet" are one-day-at-a-time. Good luck Serena J.


Member: Celeste L.
Location: Missouri
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 14:01:09

Comments

Serena, my ex-husband gave me a formula I tried for around 2 or 3 years. Controlled drinking! It didn't work. I had to have a rude awakening that I am an alcoholic born and bred that way. The only way for me was to go to AA meetings and not drink just for today.


Member: LeAnne N.
Location: Atlanta, GA
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 14:08:01

Comments

Hi! LeAnne, alcoholic. I've been an AA member for 10 years. I've been active in AA for 7 of those years.

My story is a common one. I got sober, became a useful member of society again, gradually slowed down on meetings and finally quit going altogether. I became very active in church and other community commitments. However, lately I've noticed the insanity creeping back in.

As honesty is the topic--let me be honest. I was divorced in November '97. I started dating a man in October '97, shortly before the divorce was final. We work together in a small office. We have a great relationship--except he's a big beer drinker. Over the last ten years, I've spent a lot of time in drinking establishments on social occassions, etc. I believed that the obsession with alcohol had been lifted. I really didn't have a problem with his drinking. Then, I find out he also smokes pot (not cigarettes, though). I had no desire for alcohol, but I started smoking pot with him. I'd been a nonsmoker for 5 years and now I've been smoking cigarettes for 6 months.

I feel all the peace and serenity slipping away from me. I can't control my cigarette or pot smoking and I'm mortally afraid that drinking is right around the corner. I have a small child and can't get out to meetings. It's seemed a true god-send to find an online meeting.

I don't want to lose what I had. I hope I haven't already. Any words of encouragement will be read with hope and respect.


Member: Celeste L.
Location: Missouri
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 14:11:57

Comments

Gail, I have been sober now for 12 years and still there is no one in my family who have chosen to attend any recovery meetings except my oldest son. He is attending AA now. I had to face letting go of my family ties in order to get better. Making amends is only effective if you are making them for yourself. I agree with the "tough love" idea. Put your foot down and ask for their forgiveness instead of taking the humiliation. After that it is in their hands and God's. Be honest about what you are truly guilty of not what others are saying you are guilty of. My email: celeste@mo-net.com


Member: Steve
Location: Deep in the Heart
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 14:35:09

Comments

Gail, Read your note, isn't it great to come from a perfect family. Sounds like you tried getting them to Alanon. Here's a twist, why don't you give an Alanon meeting a try. Every alcoholic has to live with themselves first and I think Alanon is a perfect place to start...good luck..


Member: BeeW.
Location:
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 15:53:35

Comments

Thanks WmB. Alot of what you said I have also done. Right at this point I do not know why I drink alot of it is that I enjoy it at the time but when I wake up I beat myself up that I should not have done it. I do put myself in high risk situations. Everyone I hang out with drinks and it seems that if you don't have a drink than you are boring or there is something wrong with you. I have two children and I like to spend time with them and lately I can't even get up to do that. I do have have control when I have to work but there are times that I call out because I have a hangover. I don't want to drink but I am finding it very difficult to stop. You are right I do need some support .


Member: John C
Location: Ohio
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 16:17:56

Comments

Leanne, drinking is right around the corner. The rational is "I'm already stoned what's the difference?" The answer is there is no difference. Sobriety means NO MOOD ALTERING SUBSTANCES. Stop bullshitting yourself and get a sponsor. "He's a woderful guy but he drinks alot of beer and he smokes pot" Are you insane? yes you are. Scroll back up to the person who said "If I don't stand for something, I'll fall for anything". While you're at it check out Kate from the badger state's comment on "a drink, a drug, a man etc.." Your "small child" deserves a mom who is not stoned and doesn't believe that any man is better than no man. If I had ten yrs sober "and I do" and I had just gotten divorce, I would be doing a 4th and 5th on the relationship gone bad, not jumping into another one. Go back to meetings. If you can go to bars for social engagements, you can make meetings. Beware though, they'll probably tell you the same things I am. But deep down you already know that don't you? I would appologize for jumping all over you, but I had a friend who thought he could do it his way and I'll be carrying his casket to the cemetary at 1:30 tomorrow afternoon, and I'm not in the candy-coating mood EZ DUZIT BUT DOIT!!!


Member: Linda L
Location: Maryland
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 17:47:00

Comments

Hi my name is Linda an I am a alcoholic. I posted once two months ago and haven't since. Why because I was in denial. It took me this long to realize the reality of the situation. I had been in alanon for 11 years and thought if I worked harder at the program everything will be okay. Well I like the topic honesty cause I had to apply it to my life big time at this time. I started going to the aa meetings and kept alanon but recently left it behind me for just today. I need to focus on this program. I was in shock that in one year of drinking I became a alcoholic. I thought it took years and before that I never drank. I can go days without a drink and apparently years without one. But I can't drink one beer cause then I lose control over my drinking and get drunk. I have had black outs and I am glad cause It scared the hell out of me and I needed to be. I have been most self centered in thinking I was a perfect person and all my life was terrible because of situations and people in my life. Just last night I finally surrendered to God that my way is no way. I seem to have a rude awakening last night too, cause you know how people say they have to get the trash out, well I have a full dumpster. I realized last night I have much to change and thats okay. But I am putting everything in Gods hands right now. I honestly had to look at this not so perfect person by far. My vision was definitely screwed up big time and I want the help! I know for a long time I will have to do the first three steps over and over and over. But just for today my job is to only work on staying sober. I am honest with myself that my life style has to change all together, so do my friends. Thats so hard for all of them are drinkers and I miss them. I don't miss the crazyness. I started drinking cause my mom is dying at this time of Alzhemiers. She got it two years ago and she is in the last stage. She is shutting down of everything. She don't know me and just lays in a bed , can't talk, can't walk and 90 % can't eat. This will be real hard to do this at this time but no time is a easy good time. I am grateful I found out now instead of many years of pain. I couldn't handle no more pain thats for sure. Thanks and its good to be here, I need to listen more than talk right now. Good topic, perfect topic for me. Linda *-------***************


Member: Judy W.
Location: Lake Orion,MI
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 18:44:20

Comments

This is my first time on this site, and I appreciate it... here's a couple one liners I use to remind myself about honesty FEAR IS A BLOCK TO HONESTY. THERE IS A RISK INVOLVED IN HONESTY... AND FREQUENTLY WE FEAR THE CONSEQUENCES AND PAIN THAT IT MAY CAUSE. SOMETIMES DISHONESTY IS JUST AN INCONSISTENCY... IN OUR OUTSIDES NOT MATCHING OUR INSIDES. Thanks all, for your input.


Member: Linda J.
Location: San Diego
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 19:14:37

Comments

I'm Linda, alcoholic. This is a great forum! It's my first time at this meeting, so "hello" new friends.

To LeAnne N.: There's a lot of truth in what John C wrote to you. It's a bit hard to swallow without the sugar coating, but try to take in the truth of it.

It sounds like you have a lot of resources that you could retap. You've been involved with A.A., church, community. I'll bet that, if you contacted any of those organizations, you will find people that can watch your child while you go get yourself to some meetings. Just take that first step to get to some meetings and you'll make yourself a home there again.

I've made A.A. my home again after going back out for 11 years. Now I'm back and TODAY is my new One Year Birthday.

LeAnne, nobody is worth giving up your sobriety. You're going through a difficult time, but you know that abusing the mind-altering substances will make it worse for you (and your child) in the long run. Let some meetings help you sort it all out and give you strength. But you have to take that first step and get back to A.A. Make those phone calls to find a sitter or a meeting with a babysitter onsite.

I'm cheering for you! Linda J.


Member: MIKE W
Location: SAUDI  ARABIA
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 22:54:36

Comments

HI I'M MIKE AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC, AND TODAY A GRATEFUL ONE. I 'M IN SAUDI ARABIA, AND THERE ARE NO MEETINGS HERE, THANK GOD I HAVE ALL OF YOU. WELCOME TO ALL THE NEW COMERS, ALL I CAN DO IS PAA ON WHAT I WAS TOLD, AND WHAT WORKS FOR ME. GET A BIG BOOK, READ IT.....GO TO MEETINGS AND LIISTEN...FIND ANOTHER PERSON IN RECOVERY TO TALK TO AND TAKE THE ADVICE OF THE OLD TIMERS. THERE IS NO ALCOHOL WHERE I AM, BUT LIFE CAN STILL BE UNMANAGABLE, SO I NEED YOU GUYS, THANKS FOR KEEPING ME SOBER, AND PLEASE EVERYONE.....KEEP COMIN' BACK IT WORKS, WE ARE ALL MIRACLES. MIKE W


Member: fayla  g
Location: galena  ks
Date: 07 Apr 1998
Time: 23:17:09

Comments

hello i am fayla alcolic from kansas i wanted to share this with you all .o lord ,i ain,t what i ought to be , and iain,t whati i want to be, and iaint what i,m going to be,but o lord, thankyou that i ain,t what i used to be . love fayla.fa


Member: Amy G.C.
Location: Switzerland
Date: 08 Apr 1998
Time: 01:38:49

Comments

Fayla, that was a beautiful expression. When i look at my past i hang my head in shame but when I pray for the present and future I hang my head high! My heart just went out this morning to many of you, especially those just realizing they have the problem. I wanted to respond to the topic of the woman who has fallen into smoking pot instead of drinking. I believe that although it is not as dangerous as alcohol that it can alter your will power, i think that is pretty much a fact. I have had to struggle to put this issue behind me too because there is even a grass store on my street (its legal here). Talk about one day at a time and how don`t we go through trials and tribulations? But with the grace of God temptation flees. Also, you are so blessed to have a child. Peace to all, I`m away a week....Amy G.C.


Member: John F.
Location: Alabaster, AL
Date: 08 Apr 1998
Time: 02:09:10

Comments

Hi I'm John and I'm an alcoholic! The range of sharing here is intense. Thank God I found this meeting. I've been isolating for the past few months(since I moved to another location in the country). I really needed the "whacks upside the head" from John in Ohio and Kate from Badger state(?). I've been slowly sliding into a Dry Drunk and this site is just what I needed to find. I'm a "newbie" on the net and I've spent hours looking at superficial shit. It has been nice to sit here and get a refill of sobriety. My Higher power always knows when the time is right for me to get the message. I know that this my Higher Power's way of telling me to get off of my ASS and work the steps.


Member: Linda L
Location: Maryland
Date: 08 Apr 1998
Time: 08:37:52

Comments

Hi my name is Linda and I am a alcoholic, I just wanted to share a new thing I learned being new to the program that helps me alot in early sobriety. NUTS, not using the steps.And also another one is putting Linda out and putting God in. Good meeting here.Love Linda


Member: Gail B
Location: TX
Date: 08 Apr 1998
Time: 10:17:51

Comments

Hi, Gail, alcoholic. Thanks Jane, Celeste, and Steve. I will put all your recommendations into action. It's so wonderful to know that a support group is just a click away when in need.

Regarding smoking pot. I've been there too. My favorite saying was "God made pot, man made booze, who do you trust". How bout that for rationalization. The truth of the matter is that even though pot may not be as destructive as booze and some other drugs, it will be available along with all the other stuff. And, IT IS a mind altering drug. Sobriety means just that. My children are grown now, but unfortunately they were small when I was rationalizing pot, which led to coke, which led to booze (again). Because of this, (I'm not proud to say) they had a very disruptive life growing up. It's not a pleasant vision to look back on. Today, I have the unpleasant task of seeing my destructive behavior being repeated in some of their actions. After all, who better to teach them than their own mother. Some people may be able to control their actions, but part of my addictive behavior is anchored in my desire to believe I have the ability to control my environment. I'm an expert con artist - I specialize in conning myself.

Thanks for letting me share.

Gail


Member: Cathy V.
Location: Nova Scotia
Date: 08 Apr 1998
Time: 11:26:15

Comments

Hi again. I'm Cathy and I'm an alcoholic. I had a bad few days , but I am feeling much better now. This too shall pass. Thanks to every one who emailed me. It is still difficult for me to b honest , but I know that when I try I feel much better. My life will kind of fall in place. I still have a problem with staying in today , and not worrying about everything. I am a great projector, and a great worrier. I really try and be grateful for what is in my life today, and try and enjoy it .I miss so much by being anxious and worrying. I love these online meetings, because I can tune in anytime.


Member: Mary Ellen M.
Location: Orlando, FL, USA
Date: 08 Apr 1998
Time: 12:17:26

Comments

Hello, everyone! I' m Mary Ellen and I'm an alcoholic. I am relating well to both honesty and gratitude right now. I had been coming into and out of the program for the better part of a decade because I wasn't willing to be honest with myself or others, and wasn't willing to open up and share myslf and my feelings with any of you. For some reason, my Higher Power decided he had more that he wanted me to do in life, and I wouldn't be able to accomplish his purposes in my life if I continued to self-destruct.Since most of us alkies are self- centered, stubborn people,(it runs in my family, too!),he had to get my attention in a fairly dramatic way. I ended up in the hospital last June for an aortic valve repair and dacron graft of the ascending aorta, which had a massive aneurysm on it. I found out later that it had dissected. It could have killed me at any time.I truly learned the meaning of the slogan, "but for the grace of God...." Gratitude is very real for me today and I treasure the gift of life and will never again take it for granted....Please keep me in your prayers as I will be needing more surgery this summer;the repair to the valve is not holding well and the valve will have to be replaced. A special welcome to any newcomers- keep coming back- it works!


Member: Sanders W.
Location: Graceville, Fl.
Date: 08 Apr 1998
Time: 12:47:19

Comments

I am very definately a real alcoholic and my name is Sanders. Just a short word to Le Anne N from Atlanta, I was going to say a lots of things to you but then I read on down and saw John's comments and he said it just right,(without the sugar coating). You were in AA for a long time and I am fairly certain you probably heard your same story from someone else, and now you HOPE your situation will be unique. It is, Unique just like everbody else. This is known as insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. As my sponser told me if you care anything about your self get Honest and Serious about staying sober. If you can get to the bars for drinks and pot sessions you certainally can find time for a meeting and a sponser. We do what we want to do and we can rationalize anything. Remember we are the greatest at self deception so you get with it girl and get on the stick. I don't know you but I still love you and so does God and there is not one thing you can do about it. Good luck and let me know what choice you make. Sanders W.


Member: Scott J
Location: New Hamphire
Date: 08 Apr 1998
Time: 14:25:53

Comments

A year ago, I felt just like Bee W. I was waking up every morning hungover, swearing I never wanted to drink again and I never wanted to do and say the same foolish things I always did when I got drunk. But I was unable to even imagine what it'd be like to go to sleep at night without having had anything to drink. So I tried to have just "a couple" and I always found I couldn't stop. Once I had the taste in my mouth and the light feeling in my head and the tension seemed to begin to melt away, that was it. I no longer had control. I always drank to get drunk, to reach a level where I felt great and could still function okay, but I always drank well past that level.

Drinking worked wonders for me in the beginning. I made me feel great about myself. Stress, fear and worry just disappeared and for the first time in my life I felt like I could do and say anything and feel comfortable. I could make people laugh and I finally felt like I fit in with the "normal" people.

But the last few years of my drinking, alcohol didn't work for me anymore. No matter how much I drank, I carried my fear and anger with me. I no longer made people laugh. The best I could get was oblivion, with the blackouts and loss of control and foolish behavior that came with it. I had always been miserable without alcohol and now I was miserable with it.

I tried to fix myself a dozen different ways, but the only way that worked was the last one I tried. In AA I found that I was not alone in what I was going through. In my area there are hundreds of people who had found themselves in the same miserable situation of being unable to live with or without alcohol, and who have found a way out.

For a year now, I've been going to meetings and learning how these people recovered. I've tried the same things and I've gotten the same results. Despite some difficult times, my life is now much better than it's ever been. I'm very grateful for what the people in AA have freely given me and now I try to freely give it back to anyone who wants it. Thanks AA


Member: Zizi Z.
Location: Raleigh, North Carolina
Date: 08 Apr 1998
Time: 14:41:56

Comments

Hi Leanne-just wanted to tell you that I know exactly how you are feeling. I found that for me-any mind or mood altering substance blocked me from the sunlight of the spirit. I was in and out of this program for 3 years and the last time I went back out, I smoked pot but did not drink. I knew for me that I had to pick up a white chip anyway. A drug is a drug is a drug. They all block me from learning to live life on life's terms and growing as a person in God's light. I have been substance free for 4 years now and I have grown because of it. I used to smoke pot after I came home from meetings in early sobriety (the first time around) and I would swear that I was having a spiritual experience-but today I believe that seeking God with a clear mind takes me to levels that I never could have achieved intoxicated. Come back to AA-we need you.

On gratitude: I heard this recently at a meeting: A bad day is nothing more than a loss of gratitude. For me that is true-when I begin to take all the gifts in my life for granted, I lose gratitude. And when I lose gratitude-I'm not too happy. Have a great Easter everyone. I love ya.

zaalouk@unity.ncsu.edu


Member: Richard G.
Location: Ca.
Date: 08 Apr 1998
Time: 15:18:50

Comments

Hi there fellow drunks, well honesty is very important, but I'm still working on progress. Much like the rest of you: I imagine. I have to focus on progress and not perfection, for otherwise I screw up the progress that I have made. I say this from experience, for I am not only a retred in A.A. but also someone who has made oaths about all kind of lifestyle changes. But, it seems that when I stop focousing on making progress and start focousing on "ariving" it is then that my house of cards begins to crumble. Today it's all about progress. I focous on being honest with thoughs around me, and when I find myself being dishonest I try to corect it. However, ther are, for me, inevitably times when I fail to be honest, and for one reason or another do not correct my statements or actions. These are the times that I must go to my higher power confessing my dishonesty to him/her, telling of my dishonesty, telling of my regrets, telling of my true desire for being honest. I just though I'd add this tidbit of my perception for thoughs who continue to progress and be honest about their honesty.


Member: jj c.
Location: down south
Date: 08 Apr 1998
Time: 19:05:41

Comments

I'm 18 days sober, and 18 days honest. I finally admitted I am an alcoholic, I can't stop drinking on my own, and I can't control the amount I drink once I start. It feels great to be honest with myself about it! I can finally stop running and deal with this.


Member: areyouloco2
Location: TEXAS
Date: 08 Apr 1998
Time: 20:34:27

Comments

hey gang, to bee w. and sarena try what celestel sugg GO TO MEETINGS if you use or not just GO!! try it for ninty days, get the doctor to go my father in law still thinks you can stop on will power alone the dont understand th ecan learn this in meetings. thanks to all of you for my sobriety.


Member: fayla g
Location: galena ks
Date: 09 Apr 1998
Time: 01:57:50

Comments

fayla alcoholic ,here . Thank you Amy, i am suprised you could read my writeing .I am happy you did ,i am not very good at this ,like you couldnt tell . I have 17 months in the program ,very good ones .I went to a very good meeting tonight , I,ve been going to this meeting for a few weeks now , I have seen 5 members relapse, I get a little scared sometimes ,Ipray for them and me . 3 of them came to the meeting drunk , Two of them were very loud and foul mouthed ,Ifeel like i came there to try and stay sober ,not to listen to drunks , i feel like maybe i,am being selfish , but i dont. let my own family or freinds , come around drinking . am i wrong . love and hugs fayla g


Member: John F
Location: Alabaster, AL
Date: 09 Apr 1998
Time: 02:42:46

Comments

Hey Fayla. I can identify with the discomfort of being around obnoxious drunks at meetings. It happens few and far between, but one night I was at a meeting and there was this guy sitting behind me the smell of his disease wafting bringing me to the ledge of nausea. He mumbled and cussed throughout the meeting. As the meeting progressed, Ibecame angrier and my anger grew into a crescendo and then I was filled with peace. As this peace filled me, I realized that this guy I was so angry at was me!The only difference between he and I was a bottle of booze. I was later told that this is what the phrase "There, but for the Grace of God..." means. Whenever I see on the news about some criminal, I know today that given enough booze, dope, etc.,my disease is capable of turning me into Charles Manson. Today I am not so quick to judge the people in prison, the front page or in detox because the only difference between me and them is God's Grace and for that I am so grateful, God gives me just what I need today. If I got what I deserved I'd be in prison with them. Thank You, God and Thank You Alcoholics Anonymous!


Member: BeeW
Location:
Date: 09 Apr 1998
Time: 10:28:00

Comments

I would like to thank you guys for making me think twice about what I am doing to myself. I have read all the comments and I am going to try and take the advice that you have given. My family doesn't see that I have a problem because I don't drink everyday but when I do it is for about two days straight and I feel if I don't gain control of it, it will turn into an everyday thing. I am going to find a meeting and attend, but just looking and reading this website I have been doing alot of thinking.


Member: Dave R.
Location: Reading, MA
Date: 09 Apr 1998
Time: 12:45:25

Comments

Hi BeeW,

My name is Dave R. and I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic. I read what you mean about your folks not thinking you have a problem. I used to use them as the last resort because they were one of the few people that I had left to say "Gee, _they_ never say I have a drinking issue." That was mostly because I only used to see my mother on Sundays, and she would concider it normal for me to use in the quanties that I used. She didn't know that I was pretty much doing that every night for about 1/3 of my entire life, so she was really shocked when I finally called her after about 48 hours of real sobriety. Her first reation was to say that I wasn't and alcoholic, but I think deep down it was more of an issue with her admitting that her only son had a big problem. That's the kicker about the disease. Most of the people who tell you that you are a drunk are the first ones to give you up when you quit. That, to me, is where the fellowship of AA comes into play. That is, to say, that my group and the people that I've met in Program have far out-wieghed the quality of "friends" that I had while I was a full time drunk. I still know a couple of folks from my "old days" (I get 2 years in August) and they have been very supportive of my decision. The only person who can tell you if you have a problem is you. Not your folks, some cop, some judge or anyone. Besides, I hear that if you think you may have a drinking problem, then you probably do. I used to harbor these thoughts when I was at my lowest, and I would have killed for your courage during those times. I can't look back and say it was all a waste of life for me, but rather an way to get where I am today. I can truley saw I have a life second to none right now, and AA is such a major part of it.

Thansk for letter me share-

Dave R (North Reading Original Group, Stoneham, MA)


Member: Michael S.
Location: Whitby, Ont
Date: 09 Apr 1998
Time: 13:36:21

Comments

Hi Friends,

I'm a grateful alcoholic...my name is Michael. On the subject of honesty...I got a phone call last night from a close friend in the program who lives in Texas....who informed me that a guy we went through treatment with died last week from this disease. He went back out some time ago, but was never able to be honest with himself or others about what was going on. A reminder to me about the reality of this terrible illness and the need for me to practice rigorous honesty in all my affairs....one day at a time.


Member: Linda J.
Location: San Diego, CA
Date: 09 Apr 1998
Time: 14:03:15

Comments

Hi! Linda alcoholic here.

To Bee W.:

Your situation sounds a lot like mine was a little over a year ago (except that I don't have children). I didn't drink everyday, hardly at all during the week, so it was easy to believe my lies to myself that I wasn't alcoholic and that I would eventually get my drinking under control. And people close to me didn't know the extent of my excessive drinking because I hid it behind closed doors much of the time.

It got worse and worse. I wanted to commit suicide. And I kept trying to get my drinking under control to no avail.

I began to see a therapist once a week at $30 a session and spent almost all of every hour telling her what technique I had tried the previous week to control my alcohol consumption and how it had failed me. EVERY SESSION! That's what I'd spend my $30 for, talking and talking about trying to control my drinking! It was so frustrating.

Finally, my therapist said to me, "You've tried all of these ways to try to control your drinking. How about this weekend you just not drink at all and write down your feelings as they come up about not drinking." I agreed with a panicked feeling building inside me.

The more the feelings built up inside me as I reflected on all the times I tried to control my drinking, a thought occurred to me: "It's very easy for me to drink. Controlling my drinking is the most difficult thing for me and seems next to impossible. Here I am wasting all sorts of time, money, energy, trying to CONTROL my drinking. Why don't I just NOT DRINK since that's much easier than trying to control it?" So I quit and went back to AA that weekend.

I surround myself with many sober people because they inspire me and encourage me. Bars now stress me out. And "boring" you spoke about? Well, I don't think it's necessarily that YOU are boring. You're probably bored when you find yourself sober around a bunch of active drunks. It sure bores the hell out of me! Contrast that with sober alcoholics! A.A.ers are some of the most fun, entertaining, inspiring people I've ever known! So I hope you can find your way back to A.A. on a regular basis so we (and more importantly YOU) can find out what an interesting person you really are without booze.

Linda J (one year sober April 7th)


Member: Dave R
Location: Reading, MA
Date: 09 Apr 1998
Time: 16:46:42

Comments

Hi, Dave again, alcoholic...

Can anyone help me wiht Step 4 (. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves0? I'm a little confused on just what that is all about. Maybe I could get some specific issues that others had listed about themselves?

Keep comin-

Dave


Member: richard
Location: Ca
Date: 09 Apr 1998
Time: 17:28:00

Comments

I'm an AA member who really loves hearing newcomer's share where they are in the infancy of recovery. I remember how confusing it all was when I started to trudge down my happy road of destiny, but only reading the big book gave me an unbiased, egoless, and non piest view of the program. However, I know how hard it is for some to sit down and finish the big blue book, so many, like me, turn to others in meetings or in private to help us form our recovery. This approach may cause even more confusion, however. And, can lead to a relapse if the sponsor has to be right: because he/she simply has more time. There are many functional yet mentally ill old-timers. See our program is based on a constitution, which we call the twelve steps and the big book helps us learn how to live by this new constitution. By turning to others, no matter how long they have in the program, you receive their perception of the program: no matter how distorted it may be. Now, there are many good clear-minded old-timers around here that you can learn from, but they only have their perceptions and opinions. It is your job to sift through their garbage in order to find your treasures. No one person has the answer, so use what you can and politely leave the rest. Everything needed for recovery is in the big book, and it is the least distorted sponsor you will find. Its ego is long gone, for most of its authors are dead, but its message is still strong. Just as an example of how many people distort the book which I live by to the best of my ability, the big book never tells the new comer to find a sponsor, but now old timers brag about how many sponcees they can acquire and preach how in order to stay sober one must have a sponsor: sorry the big book says nothing of this premise. I'm sorry if I bruised any egos. What the big book says is for old timers to find a protégé and commence working with them. This was meant to help us who have been sober awhile to stay sober, not the other way around. We need to find sponcees, not preach at meeting for newcomers to find sponsors: according to the big book anyway. I'd appreciate it if anyone could find the word sponsor in the big book. The big book does talk of frothy emotional appeal, and this seems relevant to the way I see members courting each other for sponsorship relationships, as if, they were getting married. Now, don't get me wrong I have a sponsor and have found it quite helpful. But, he is an anchor or someone whom I can be assured will probably be sober tomorrow if I need help with something. He is not however my spiritual guru, higher power, girlfriend, or wife.

I don't mean to preach about this issue, for it is just an example of how I've seen ego distort what the original program was based on: we must crush our egos not find new avenues to exhibit them. I love this program and it has saved my spiritual life. I, however, find it hard to stomach when meetings focus on a few newcomers to practice driving in the program. Rarely do these spotlighted newcomers return: until adding a few chapters to their story. We as somewhat experienced members should practice what we preach and leave the preaching to preachers. I've never met a good preacher in AA, but I've met many preachers whom would be quite successful at preaching fire and brimstone in the Bible belt. Finally, the only thing a good sponsor needs to say to a newcomer after going through the big book with them: minus the newcomer having any other mental problems other than alcoholism, is read the big book again and ask me for my opinion about any subjects that you find confusing or unacceptable. After all many have seemingly recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body with only the big book: no meetings. Meetings and sponsors are simply a modern day luxury. As a new comer you must find your own way. After all cloning has not been perfected yet. Again, sorry if it sounds like I'm preaching, but AA needs to keep it real, and those people who think they have the answer, should stop trying to re-write the big book. Maybe they should just read it again. Than to all those members of AA who are also trudging that happy road of destiny if god wills it someday we might just run into each other.

Now, again I'm sorry to step on any toes, but I'm just tiered of hearing people I know preach at new comers about what they have to do. If you are a new comer I have only one suggestion about what you may want to do: read the big book. If it is not in there then you may not need it to stay sober, but if you do find issues not covered in the book seek a professional in the field that you have questions about. Don't rely on laymen whom since they got sober have become experts at everything. Your higher power will guide you in the direction you need to go: even if you don't believe in him/her.

PS. As members we should be honest with ourselves: as sponsors are we being self-serving, do we need others to agree with our opinions, or do we want to stay sober and help others. Find a protégé: don't tell others to find sponsors. You take the action, which you're telling others to take.


Member: unsure
Location:
Date: 09 Apr 1998
Time: 18:19:46

Comments

where am i coffee pot or dicussion?


Member: Celeste L.
Location: Missouri
Date: 09 Apr 1998
Time: 19:06:56

Comments

This is to richard in Ca. I agree that the bigbook is the bible of AA only the process of learning how to be sober doesn't happen overnight or in seclusion. I am very happy you clarified the sponsor thing. I never learned that from anyone in the rooms. Right now the only sponsoring I could do is over the phone and through the email. I sponsored a few women when I was still living up in NY and it was a wonderful experience. The worst part of leaving NY was having to leave those women. They strengthened my sobriety. Thank you for you honest opinions.


Member: Sanders W.
Location: Graceville, Fl.
Date: 10 Apr 1998
Time: 00:02:58

Comments

Hello to all. I am very definitally a real alcoholic and my name is Sanders. I read Richard's comments and they really disturbed me. I understand what you are saying and agree to a point but the way I would have heard you when I was very new was that I didn't need a sponser and I didn't need to go to meetings. When I was new I was not capable of reading and understanding anything and I really do believe that I would never have made it without a sponser to guide me. He allways told me if anyone ever told me anything and could not back it up with proof from the big book, and this included him, to just disregarde it as hearsay. I am not a "Big Book Thumper" but my home group was The Barefoot Step Study Group and we studied a step each week from the big book, so I do believe in the big book and I definitely believe in sponsers. I know when I was new I heard what I wanted to hear and all I would have needed then was for someone to give me the " out " that I didn't need someone to keep me honest till I was capable to make a few choices of my own. Sorry about being so hard about this but I feel very strongly about this.


Member: Bonnie C
Location:
Date: 10 Apr 1998
Time: 06:33:41

Comments

Richard of Ca, Yo friend, Lighten up, whew rule #62 - thank God I didn't read your post when I was new, I knew I didn't have any answers and I was just stupid enuf to listen to the ones who said get a sponsor. I fired the first 2 because my friend (who came in 9 months before me) said if they don't make you write and work the steps, fire them, I did, the third one I got, made me work the steps, then I worked them all over again in all my affairs,like the book and my sponsor say, at one time my sponsor had me do an inventory on AA and old timers. I still don't know if this sponsor thing is gonna get me drunk but by the Grace of God and people who gifted me with their precious time I will have 18 yrs on May 30th. thank God for the gift of sponsors or proteges - whatever - been where you're at my friend, and I can tell you, this too shall pass. richard, I love you fellow trudger. (((Hugs))) to you.


Member: Robin S.
Location: Plano, TX
Date: 10 Apr 1998
Time: 07:50:05

Comments

Hi, I'm Robin and I AM an alcoholic. Thank you Richard for sharing that...I agree.


Member: FAYLA  G
Location: GALENA  KS
Date: 10 Apr 1998
Time: 11:48:20

Comments

Thank you John F . FAYLA , here . Thank you for shareing with me . I felt relly bad when i felt angry with them for coming to the meeting drunk. I still dont feel that they should do that , one of them has came 3 times like that and one of them twice that i know of and they dont just sit there and listen if they did i could deal with it , this place is right across from a bar called the pub , And right next door to a homeless shelter . I had my car stolen from out side the meeting Saturday night , It was my fault ,ileft my keys in it ,a full tank of gas and 4 sandwiches , Fixed them up pretty good . Iwas very luqkey ,that was about 9;30 ,they found my car at 11;30 .IT cost me atag a tow bill , THEY didnt use any gas to speak of and not ,one sandwich was missing ,ha ha or any thing else ,except my keys . I CAME from a small town you never had to worry about , takeing your keys out or locking your door , i take my keys out now . LOVE TO YOU ALL FAYLA


Member: Dave R
Location:
Date: 10 Apr 1998
Time: 15:00:58

Comments

Dave (again), Alcoholic.

I see some valid points in Richard's post. I've been a memeber of 3 groups so far (due or change of location, timing) and I don't always agree with what is said to me by the folks who have an extended amount of sobriety in them. I've sponsored two folks, and, as I far as I know, they have remained sober. I can really only attent 1 meeting per week, but it's goo to know that I could attend more with a little string pulling here and there. It sometimes bothers me when the elders get on me about going to more meetings. Belive me, if I _could_, I would! I think the whole idea of getting a sponsor depends on how bad you can forcast your journey into sobriety to be. I've always said that is someone is "forced" (i.e. the courts, the law, the wife/husband" into AA, then the chance of maintaining a true legth of staying sober is challenged. I feel it's the personal "gift of desperation" that get the person to see that AA is your last and only hope to stay clean. You wouldn't be going to the Halls if you didn't want to be sober. I remember once, during a blackout, I woke up in the middle of a meeting the my wife's uncle (he was in program) had driven me there. I had no intentions of quitting back then (I was still a good 6 or 7 years away from my moment of clarity) so I basically ate a donut and left. If someone approached me about getting a sponsor, I'd be like "Yeah, right." It didn't mean anything to me then. Years later I did go to AA. All by myself. The program has saved me life. Does that mean that I have to call my sponsor every time something goes wrong in my life? I don't think so. I go to AA to maintain my sobriety and to share my E, S & H. I only go once a week because that's really all I feel I need at the time. I somehow don't think my level of sobriety is any worse than anybody else in program who's been sober for almost 2 years. I know that I cannot drink again, the compulsion has been lifted, I do my time with GOD and I feel great. What else is there to do?

Thanks for letting me share-

Dave


Member: Barb B
Location: The Burg, W PA
Date: 10 Apr 1998
Time: 15:40:24

Comments

Happy Easter/Passover everybody, Ain't it a great day to be sober? Honestly speaking though, my ego is in charge when I'm not being sincerely honest. We have to choices, either to honor the ego or the Higher Power. Of course the Higher Power dispenses honesty when we seek Him (God could and would if He were sought - 3rd pertinent idea, Big Book Ch.5 How it works). As far as will power, hmmm the consensus around here is try some X-lax and then tell me about willpower. Serena, get a big book and ask your doctor hubby to read the dr's opinion and don't forget the x-lax. Roomhugtoall.


Member: mike w
Location: saudi arabia
Date: 10 Apr 1998
Time: 22:12:08

Comments

HI MIKE W HERE, ALCOHOLIC, AND GRATEFUL THAT I HAVE A PLACE TO LISTEN (READ) AND SHARE ( TYPE) MY EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH, AND HOPE. I HAVE NO MEETINGS WHERE I'M AT, BUT WILL BE BACK TO MY HOME GROUP IN JULY, SO GLAD THAT YOU ARE ALL HERE. IF YOU ARE NEW, GET AND READ THE BIG BOOK, GO TO MEETINGS, AND DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK NO MATTER WHAT. THAT WAS WHAT WAS PASSED ON TO ME IN EARLY SOBRIETY. AT MY FIRST MEETING, AN OLDER LADY TOLD ME THAT I NEVER HAD TO DRINK AGAIN IF I DIDN'T WANT TO...THROUGH THE FELLOWSHIP OF AA, SHE HAS BEEN 100% CORRECT; ONE DAY AT A TIME. I HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN A NUMBER OF YEARS, BUT I HOPE I ALWAYS REMEMBER HER WORDS. I READ (STUDY) MY BIGBOOK ON A REGULAR BASIS, BECAUSE AS WAS STATED EARLIER, I HAVE AN UNCANNY HABIT OF RATIONALIZING ANYTHING, USUALLY THOSE CONCERNS THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE HONEST WITH MYSELF (OR OTHERS) ABOUT. SORRY TO TAKE UP SO MUCH TIME. I'M IN SAUDI ARABIA IN THE MILITARY, ANYONE THAT WANTS TO E-MAIL ME CAN.. runner_71192@yahoo.com thanks for my sobriety, keep comin' back mike w


Member: Nancy M.
Location: Vancouver, Canada
Date: 11 Apr 1998
Time: 00:15:33

Comments

Hi, I'm Nancy an alcoholic & addict, this is my first time online to this meeting and love the sharing. Richard, I truly agree with your message...the Big Book is what it's at and has been for millions of sober alcoholics. I have 12 years sobriety and when I came into the program I was given some sound advise around getting a sponser. I was told "find a sponser that will allow you to take responsibil- ity for your own recovery, if they tell you what to do fire them". I followed this suggestion and believe me it worked. For the newcomer, this is a program of attraction not promotion, it gives you the much needed support to love you until you can learn to love yourself. Thank you all for allowing me to share....


Member: Donna Z.        
Location: Easy Does It, Day. Beach, Fl
Date: 11 Apr 1998
Time: 09:31:11

Comments

Hi, Donna an alcoholic, checking in. Hi Famity, For me nothing but rigorous honesty works, I start a slide back with even the little things. To stay feeling so good about myself and feeling so good to get to live the way I always wanted to live, I need to be clean with me. I fall often and have learned no big deal, get up get going. This of course with the help of the one who is Large and in Charge and my fellows in the rooms. Love and don't drink.


Member: Wayne C
Location: Traditional Group, Asheville, NC
Date: 11 Apr 1998
Time: 11:42:23

Comments

Hi! I'm Wayne and i'm a grateful recovering drunk. I just found this web site and am truly grateful that its here. I've gota a few 24 hours under my belt and still i have problems dealing with acceptance. In the last few months i've been told that i have become a diabetic. I'm also having heart problems. The thing is that in the 31 years i was drinking i hardly ever got sick. Now, after 5 years of soberity i seem to be falling apart. Is this Gods will for me after all this time? I am trying to deal with this but i still seem to get angry and depressed. I hope that going to meetings and talking it out will help. I know what i need to do and will follow suggestions that are given, but life on life terms sure sucks sometimes.


Member: Sue G
Location: Portland OR
Date: 11 Apr 1998
Time: 13:06:00

Comments

My name is Sue and I am an alcoholic.

I am relatively new in my sobriety. My first year I definately practiced "half-measures" and guess what? They availed me nothing. After my second visit to the psychiatric ward of a hospital, I crawled into an AA meeting on my belly. I would like to comment on the importance of finding a "good" sponser in the early months (days?) of your sobriety. I thank God that I met my sponser that meeting. She is non-judgemental, calls it like she sees it, is honest to the core and always available to me. She has truly been the difference between life an death for me. Thank you Chris.

I hae been tested a lot in my first six months. It is through the Grace of God, AA and shear guts that I continue to be sober and live my life as a functioning, participating member of society.


Member: Erv W.
Location: Adams Wi.
Date: 11 Apr 1998
Time: 17:33:47

Comments

Hi everyone, Erv alcoholic here.. I am grateful beyound words for AA and my High Power that I am sober.. I too became 1 year old on the 9th of this month.. Today, LIFE IS GOOD !! Have a happy Easter everyone and keep it simple just for today !! Your friend in sobriety Erv


Member: Glenda W
Location: Alabama
Date: 11 Apr 1998
Time: 21:00:57

Comments

I am Glenda, and I am a alcoholic. I am so glad to find you. I have been looking for youfor some time. My husband found you and told me about this and then left me to read. This is progress because he use to nver want admit, I might have a problem or he would tell me that what improtnat is that you don't drink now. Also, I too am having sugar problems and things are getting dangerous and scary. I go for a stress test this month. i find myself wanting to tell myself that I am not working my steps right or this would not be happening. Okay, I heard myself. Thanks for being here.


Member: ScottB
Location: Oshawa-Ontario-Canada
Date: 11 Apr 1998
Time: 22:36:41

Comments

If we are tuly honest we would have to say we are not always honest. But the important thing to remember is to strive for honesty in all our affairs. Then we can say we are progressing in our lives and that we are stronger today than we were yesterday. "We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection".


Member: Richard
Location: ca
Date: 11 Apr 1998
Time: 23:13:30

Comments

Hi there everyone, I'm still an alcoholic and a grateful one at that. First of all I'd like to make a disclaimer: newcomers just go to lots of meetings and don't drink in between. Once you are sober a while things will clear up a bit and you can start interpreting what Bill and the other 100 or so people gave us in the "Big Book". Now, I'm glad that several people realized that when I was talking about sponsorship it was not in condemnation of the relationship. It was an honest observation of how the process has seemingly been bent. We must be honest about our motives in the arena of sponsorship. I hear too much self-exhortation in meetings where sponsors preach about how they have been helping and working with their sponcees (protégés). My sponsor always says try doing for others without gratifying your ego: showing off for others. You see, all that I was saying was that first of all it is the old-timers responsibility to find sponcees (protégés) rather than new comers finding sponsors: according to the big book. I do believe that I mentioned that I have a sponsor for whom I am grateful. Sponsors are great, but it seems that we should watch out, or we become too frothy and emotional about it. I remember when I was new, and I asked questions about issues concerning me about passages in the big book. I asked several different "old timers" and found varying levels of soundness in their interpretations. Many even suggested telling my friend to go about and drink over insignificant issues. This is my second and final point old-timers don't have all the answers, so yes we use them when they have sound judgment, but sometimes your sobriety may depend on your own higher power and how he/she wants you to see things.

P.S. Bonnie it seems that you are a nice caring person, and I wish you all the best in sobriety. We are truly allies in this world of recovery. But, if you can tell where I'm at just by reading my first novice e-share then you out rank most psycho-related experts. You see I am a student of law, so maybe my writing comes off a bit raw, but I am not an angry dry drunk: when I'm working my program. I just call them as I see them. I'm sorry if this sounded harsh, for I truly am honest about our common bond that makes us allies. So, I'd just like you to know that your hugs are appreciated and reciprocated.


Member: Renee
Location: D.
Date: 11 Apr 1998
Time: 23:29:37

Comments

Hello. My name is Renee and I am an alcoholic. Honesty is a terrific subject especially since I am having a difficult time with it. I entered AA in June of 1995, relapsed off and on for about a year...then was sober for almost a year and a half. Two weeks ago, I drank again. And I think honesty has a lot to do with it. I believe we alcoholics have so much troube being honest with ourselves, because it can sometimes be so shame filled. For me, instead of looking at my mistakes as flaws, I look at myself as flawed... So I hide from myself and I relapse. Thank God, that I picked myself up and walked into an AA meeting the next day. Thank God for AA. Thank God for the steps, the fellowship and the PROGRAM of recovery. I know that one day I "shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." Sometimes I guess we have to see what we have to see... As it says in "The Doctor's Opinion", it does not satisfy us to simply be TOLD we are malajusted to life. Most of us have to test it. I just pray to God that my "Relapse" course is over... I've certainly passed with flying colors. Honesty - one of the four absolutes. I'll get there, by the Grace of God ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Peace, Renee D.


Member: Patricia C.
Location:
Date: 12 Apr 1998
Time: 00:00:42

Comments

Hi, I'm Patricia a grateful recovering alcoholic & addict. Honesty, a good topic for me..this is what keeps me sober to-day. During my first 3 years in the program, I struggled, I hated recovery and yet I knew I did not want to go back to where I used to be. I went to lots of meetings, read all the literature, had a good sponser, did everything I was told to do, yet I wasn't happy. What I finally recognized was the fact I was not honest with myself. It was okay to ADMIT that I was powerless over my addiction, however...it was really difficult to accept my powerlessness. I went to treatment at this point and learned the meaning of honesty and also pain. To-day I know when my disease is trying to take over, when I avoid being honest with myself and others. When I share with others to-day I am honest coming from the heart not my head. I can't afford to keep my feelings inside and not tell others what is going on, if I do, I know where I am heading. I love the H.O.W. and work this on a daily basis, it is very difficult sometimes and it can create lots of hurtful feelings inside yet I know that my higher power to-day,does not give me anything that I can't handle. Thank you all for my recovery. Happy Easter!


Member: Kathy
Location: Ca
Date: 12 Apr 1998
Time: 00:11:47

Comments

Hi there sister alcohalico: Renee, welcome back, and best wishes. As a fellow re-tred I know of the four horsemen aswell. We often are fild with fear and shame, but this is not what my higher power wants for any of us. So, you went out and got drunk. I prefer the straigh truth. Slip just sounds to pretty. Now it's time to dust yourself off and start back down that happy road of destiny. I know it probably seems a bit dusty on this road, but give it time the dust will settle and a beutiful path will appear. For now just focus on hitting alot of meetings and not drinking between them. And, try not to focus on past recovery attempts, for sometimes focusing on years of past recovery can blur the most important thing: today. Remember one day at a time, keep it simple, and try not to think. Your carring friend Kathy.