Member: MEL D
Location: MI
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 3:53:48 PM

Comments

Ok, I know and believe 200% that I am alcoholic but every once in a while I get these doubt or the thought that I'm not. Is that normal? I am just getting into the steps workin on step 3 right now. Do the doubts ever go away completely? MEL D


Member: Doug G.
Location: California
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 3:56:56 PM

Comments

Hi I'm Doug an alcoholic. I would like to pick the topic of feeling remorse.


Member: cher449
Location: Maine
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 4:06:31 PM

Comments

aw geez...too late..I was gonna ramble about the local sober club here and how they repeatedly break traditions.


Member: Slick
Location: -n-     Sober
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 4:17:10 PM

Comments

I have a resentment-STEAK and BJ Day; I want to know when its TUNA and TWAT Day!


Member: Doug G.
Location: California
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 4:35:05 PM

Comments

Hi Mel. I thought I was the first this week, but I'm glad you are because I like your topic better than mine.

Normal people, non-alcoholics, are so lucky not to be plagued with alcoholic behavior. They don't spend time obsessing over the next opportunity to drink or due drugs. They don't drink until they black-out. They don't feel remorse the next day. They don't risk their physical and mental health.

I went through a drug and alcohol recovery program in 1984 and was able to stay clean and sober for 16 years. Then I started thinking that I was a normal, non-alcoholic. I was in Reno with my wife in December, 2000 and while playing the slot machines the cocktail waitress asked me if I wanted a drink. Well, that's all it took. I drank about 4 screwdrivers and didn't drink anymore that trip. I thought that I was cured of the disease of alcoholism. I didn't drink again for about a month a then I was sure I was no longer an alcoholic.

In February, 2001, I bought a twelve pack of beer. I started drinking daily again. I was hooked again. I drank daily until December, 2001, when I entered another alcohol recovery program. I'm still in that program today.


Member: scott k
Location: green bay
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 4:59:48 PM

Comments

i'm scott an alcoholic,and this is my first time at this meeting.i am pretty new to the program and im having trouble finding a sponser.i think i need to talk more at meetings and share my feelings more with others so people can relate to me more.this might help me to get a willing sponser.im grateful to have this meeting and the people here.i just got my 30 days this last week and have gotten most of this in a rehab center,wich im also grateful for.i plan on coming back,because they say it works!


Member: Curtis L
Location: Goliad, Texas
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 5:03:53 PM

Comments

Thanks for the topic Mel. And as Doug states, we are not cured, also the BB states it on page 85.

I've been sober since May 4, 1985, and last week had the thought "pop up" that it'd be a good idea to go to the liquor store. I entertained the tought for about 2 seconds, and decided not to go today. Sometimes I will go for months and not even think about a drink. Then at other times, during stress, and not enough meetings, and not enough prayer and meditation, and not enough time taking MY OWN inventory, I'll think about drinking fairly often; every few days. THINK, THINK, THINK. To me means to think the drink thru to the drunk.

I believe that I have a disease, progressive in nature, and mainly mental. It is cunning, baffling, powerful, and patient. It will always be a part of my life.

I have found, during my ups and downs (emotionally) that as time goes by, and IF I'm staying spiritually fit; the thought of a drink seldom comes to see me. Life is Grand is AA Land.

((Doug G.))My 5th and 9th steps helped me a lot to lose the "regrets". Step ten helps me keep from building up remorse, guilt, and shame. I MUST clean these out of me so that God's serenity came come in and fill the space. I was the best father, husband, employee, and friend that I could be while I was actively drinking. Did what a lot of folks would say is a sorry job of being any of those, but as an active drinker, it was the best I could do at the time. Doing better now. IMHO


Member: FrankD
Location: NJ
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 5:21:15 PM

Comments

I didn't think I was alcoholic, and sometimes still wonder (for about two seconds). If it's normal to drink over a quart of vodka daily for years, if it's normal to drink the mouthwash to help the morning shakes, if it's normal to hide booze all over the house so I'll still have some when my wife and kids dump it, If it's normal to spend all your time thinking about your next drink, then I am a normal drinker. I now know I am a "normal" alcoholic, who can't ever drink again. Thank God for this program!

Frank drystep@aol.com


Member: Jimmy L
Location: Boston
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 6:48:01 PM

Comments

I wonder if my mind is mine at times. Trying to think and stay positive. Then in one moment in time wether sitting at home, work or just walking down the street. Something triggers an emotion or feeling that just doesn't agree with you and your mind takes a turn you weren't expecting. If I had a drink I'd feel O.K. about it. Thats part of being an alcoholic so expect it and except it.

Jimmy L


Member: Lessa E
Location: Chicago
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 6:58:07 PM

Comments

Lessa E here, grateful recovering alcoholic. Thanks for the topic, Mel.

I've heard more than once around the tables that alcoholism is the one disease that will lie to you about having it. I don't know if my alcoholism has lied to me about having it, but I sure have forgotten - twice now - how bad it was when I was 'out there'. I had stopped drinking, was working a program (of sorts!) and life got much, much better. I don't know that I denied that I was an alcoholic, but the thought, "What would one drink hurt now? It sure as heck would help," went through my head. And I now know it was only a matter of time before I picked up again. And things 'out there' got much, much worse both times I relapsed.

I need to keep going to my meetings, keep in touch with my sponsor and other sober folks frequently, and, most importantly, stay as close as I can to my HP whom I know as God, so that I don't ever, ever forget that I AM an alcoholic. And that at any time, the disease can become active again.

I'm glad I got another chance to come back to the tables and grateful to be sober today. Good topic. And thanks for letting me share.

lessa_e@hotmail.com


Member: Melissa
Location: Canada
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 7:58:38 PM

Comments

Hi, Mel - what a good topic, what a good question. I sat here for quite a few minutes thinking, and looking for some 'doubts'. I thought about when I drank and how often I drank and what happened because of my drinking and nope, I can't find a single doubt. It's true. I am an alcoholic. It's just my reality.

The miracle is that I'm okay with that because sobriety is still the best thing that's ever happened to me.


Member: Beto L
Location: Tampico, Mexico
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 7:58:50 PM

Comments

I got sober September 4, 1975, and the desire to drink only comes to me in dreams now, as long as I keep working the steps.

I never toy with the thought that I might not be an alcoholic. I aced the twenty questions pamphlet long before I got to AA. Lost two jobs due to drinking in one day, when I was 18 years old.

Chapter 3 of the Big Book summed it up for me. I had a friend in the program who would occasionally read the first part of More About Alcoholism instead of the fifth chapter, when he would chair a meeting.

"We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men."

bleecraft3@hotmail.com


Member: Kevin S
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 8:04:15 PM

Comments

Mel, this is a super topic. It's really something though, to think that for all the years I drank and fould "other" methods of escaping all responsibility, I never once considered that I WAS an alcoholic. It was only after taking a brutal beating during the last few years that I was ready to ADMIT that I was alcoholic. Then another year in, out, and around AA being unable to ACCEPT it. Why?

I HAVE A DISEASE THAT TELLS ME THAT I DON'T HAVE A DISEASE!

My disease waits like a reptile, one eye always open, ever watching, waiting for the perfect time to strike, when I least expect it. When my guard is down, and I'm spiritually weak.

Comparing, not identifying.

In the beginning I was SO busy learning how to stay sober to question it. It was that way as I continued to be active, chairing meetings, setting up the meeting place, emptying ashtrays (this was a while ago), making coffee.

But after the heat was off, the family quieted down, my legal or financial troubles had been solved, I got my education and a decent job, that I became comfortable. (complacent?)

My life today resembles the general population more than the sick drunk that I was. I remember at every milestone now that there was a time, when I sat alone in my room, in the dark, and cried for hours in self pity over the hopeless state of my pathetic life. No friends, no family support, no education, no job, no car, no money.

Yea, I'm an alcoholic. And no reason to believe that I would be better off any other way.


Member: Jim S.
Location: Fortaleza, Brazil
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 8:20:00 PM

Comments

Hi all, I'm Jim an alcoholic.........Hi Mel, you're not alone on that one. I think it's an ego thing, a humility thing. I've been in and out of the program for 10 years now, and I "think" I might be getting some of it now. Been sober 6 days and every day the thought that I might one day be able to have beer is always there. Forget 24 hours and one step at a time....I'm doing the 1 minute and crawling version till I'm 200% sure I'm past Step 1. Take care and thanks.


Member: Erma G.
Location: Utica,N.Y.
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 9:06:39 PM

Comments

Great topic! The description of a true alcoholic that that leaves me without doubts is that an alcoholic is anyone who has tried to stop drinking more than once.That keeps it real simple for me.


Member: Margie
Location: Long Island
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 10:36:06 PM

Comments

Congrats to those coming back or for the first time!!Keep coming back!

Thanks Mel for a great topic! I think it is very normal for a drunk to think this as well. The good thing is that you are ratting out your disease by sharing that with us, and us with you!!

My mind tells me I am not a drunk because my drug of choice was drugs!I have so many "yets" with alcohol. I have no more "yets" with drugs. Now, being in recovery for the 3rd time,I see the two go hand in hand. I am sitting here realizing I have been in bars since I was 16 until I came into rooms 4 years ago. I think that can count as an alcoholic!

Yeah drugs were my first choice but I never refused a drink, ever! If I didn't have any drugs, would drink. If I had drugs I would drink. My mind has told me "just one wouldn't hurt" many a time, after all I was not a fall down drunk, or lost anything. I have relapsed over that thought, 3 times, every time it brought me misery and depression! Like the others have said, if I practice the steps,have a close relationship with my HP, stay connected to other recovering folks then my "yets" seem to go away. I don't want to test myself anymore, I am definitely an alcoholic!!!

Thanks for letting me share...


Member: Kevin S
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 11:31:15 PM

Comments

Mel, this is a super topic. It's really something though, to think that for all the years I drank and fould "other" methods of escaping all responsibility, I never once considered that I WAS an alcoholic. It was only after taking a brutal beating during the last few years that I was ready to ADMIT that I was alcoholic. Then another year in, out, and around AA being unable to ACCEPT it. Why?

I HAVE A DISEASE THAT TELLS ME THAT I DON'T HAVE A DISEASE!

My disease waits like a reptile, one eye always open, ever watching, waiting for the perfect time to strike, when I least expect it. When my guard is down, and I'm spiritually weak.

Comparing, not identifying.

In the beginning I was SO busy learning how to stay sober to question it. It was that way as I continued to be active, chairing meetings, setting up the meeting place, emptying ashtrays (this was a while ago), making coffee.

But after the heat was off, the family quieted down, my legal or financial troubles had been solved, I got my education and a decent job, that I became comfortable. (complacent?)

My life today resembles the general population more than the sick drunk that I was. I remember at every milestone now that there was a time, when I sat alone in my room, in the dark, and cried for hours in self pity over the hopeless state of my pathetic life. No friends, no family support, no education, no job, no car, no money.

Yea, I'm an alcoholic. And no reason to believe that I would be better off any other way.


Member: Dan D.
Location: Chicago
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 11:40:14 PM

Comments

I believe that we have to feel a fundamental purpose in a sober life or our chances of staying sober greatly diminish.For years I saw being sober as a drag. That somehow I was missing the"Good Life" of booze and drugs.I was always going back to the old life.Now I'm not talking about cravings once in a while. I'm talking about being convinced that a healthy spiritualy centered life was not for me.After 3 stints in prison and countless hospital stays I have come to see that the "Good Life" is the sober life where I can be of use to myself and others.In the old life I was a liability to everyone I crossed paths with.I have a great friend in AA that says if we are really alcoholic and we don't have a desire to be sober we will after some more drinking. I'm not suggesting anyone get the desire to stay sober by drinking. I guess I mean we need to look at not just the drinking but what our lives were really like while using.When I recall what a wreck of a human being I had become It's not hard to be real greatful for the life full of purpose that I have now.Today I'am not full of fear and worry and that is a direct result of staying sober in AA.


Member: Jeff
Location: Ne.
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 11:45:55 PM

Comments

Hi all, glad to be here. I am an alcoholic, my name is Jeff. Whenever i think i know more than than i`m in trouble. When i was drinking i thought i knew it all, had life figured out. If i could just get the bastards to do what i tell them than it would be alright. I wouldn`t get in trouble with the law, family, friends, bosses etc....than i could drink like i wanted. Thats the way my mind worked. I could b. s. my way thru life pretty good, till one day getting bailed out of jail "AGAIN". I think that day i just ran out of excuses i had to face the fact that i couldn`t handle life sober or drunk. I always wondered if i MIGHT have a drinking problem. ahhh Hell i knew i did. I`m a drunk just like my father was & my grandfather, run`s in the family. From that moment of clairity, that one day when all was clear, i knew i could NEVER be able to drink NORMALLY again i was beat. I crossed the line between rational & irrational alcoholic thinking, if there is one. Sure i think at times that MYBE JUST ONE DRINK & than i could figure out what to do next. Just one. One was NEVER enought, that rational thoughts come in & i call my sponser, he laughts at me tells me what i`m doing wrong, tells me to get my ass to a meeting than the thought leaves me. Hay i`m an alcoholic i am going to have stink`n think`n from time to time, what i do with it is where the difference is today. I don`t have to do this thing alone, there are hundereds of aa people in the world today, you folks are everwere, i can`t hide from you or the booze i have NO excuses for taking that one drink. The last time i talked to my sponser about the 1st one he told me, "don`t bullshit me or yourself you know what to do, quite your whining & just do it, its your decision, drink or don`t". He was tuff but so is the booze. Thanks for listening. Jeff


Member: Gage
Location: Louisiana
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 12:21:35 AM

Comments

I'm Gage and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Mel. I found something in the Big Book that describes exactly what happened to me everytime I ever took a drink from the very first drink I took in my life to the last. It talks about a craving that sets in after the first drink that eventually leads to an obsession with alcohol. That's me.

I haven't had a drink now in over a year, and I really don't think very often about booze. But occasionally I'll catch a bottle staring at me in the supermarket, or see someone having a drink in a restaurant and I can feel that "would be" craving scratching around inside of me, just enough to let me know it's still there.

Lots of horrible things happened to me and my family because of my drinking. But I know a woman who never even left her house when she drank, nor did many people take much notice of her drinking. In my last two years of drinking, I did most of my drinking in solitude as well. But the one thing that this woman and I have in common is that we both are able to recognize that that craving always happened, and that our drinking had led us to become obsessed with alcohol. The obsession was for both of us, the driving force in our lives. I've had some of the types of experiences that some other AA's have had, but I don't see myself in everyboy's story except when they talk about that craving. That's what I pay attention to, then.


Member: Ian F
Location: Atlanta, GA
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 1:52:56 AM

Comments

Hi everone, I'm Ian and I am a garden variety alcoholic. The BB tells us that our disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. That is exactly what you are describing Mel. I was not a hard core alcoholic. It was/is easy for me to think that I could/can handle a drink now and then. But that is the disease talking. It will NEVER go away. It is just waiting for that one day when I let my guard down. It will be there saying "go ahead my friend its ok, you've gone this long, it won't hurt anything." It will destroy everything! For me, the best way to combat that sick thinking is to work the program. That means 1) get (and use)a sponsor, 2) work the steps, 3) find a God of my understanding (or misunderstanding, it doesn't matter as long as I honestly, and actively seek God and his will for me) 4) go to meetings and become active. One other thing I am having to work on is to stay in the present, right now. Do what I am supposed to do....right now. I can't change anything in the past nor can I control anything in the future. My job is do be right here, right now. And right now I'm ok. Sounds simple (it's supposed to be), but the trick is doing it. Anyway, it always comes down to working the program. If I start having those thoughts that I might not be an alcoholic, I should call my sponsor, go to a meeting, pray about it, or talk to a newcomer. If I can just get out of my head, then chances are I'll have another sober day.


Member: Shelley
Location:
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 2:34:37 AM

Comments

Excellent topic, Mel! My first time to this site. I went on a drinking binge for a period of about a year from 1996 to 1997. Started with a bottle of wine in the evenings to "unwind" from work stress...very quickly found out I could get more "bang for my buck" (not to mention, less bottles to dispose of, or hide until I could dump them) by moving up to vodka, which quickly lead to a quart of it a day.

Before even rolling out of bed to face the day I had to have at least one drink, with cigarette in hand. Usually didn't make any effort to even leave my bedroom until I had a good buzz going.

Through therapy and support, I was able to get sober, get my life back on track, my finances, my relationships with family & friends.

I went almost 4 years with absolutely no alcohol, and a total conviction & confidence that there is no way I would go back to the miserable existence of letting day by day slip by in a drunken stupor--disconnecting myself from everything & everyone I really cared about. I KNEW that all of the excuses I had to drink (to self medicate & avoid the anxiety of day to day life) were actually ridiculous because, once sober, I realized every problem I thought was SO MONUMENTAL was actually very solveable...it was staying drunk and not facing them that made them seem like the end of the world.

But, wouldn't you know??? After 4 years of sobriety and doing well in all aspects of my life, I was given a new project and promotion at work. I was so excited! Was completely up to the challenge and doing well with my new position...however, one night, I had a bout of insomnia. I had been "cured", so my family was no longer hiding alcohol. I had a glass of wine to "relax". One glass became 2...of course, wound up finishing the bottle and passed out.

Needless to say, I was a jittery mess the next morning, so I had to go out and get another bottle just so I could make it through work (it was a Friday) so no one could tell my heart was racing and that I was crashing. I figured if I could just make it through Friday, I could recuperate & not drink beginning Saturday.

WRONG! That was about a year ago. Although I didn't let my life situation get as out of hand as the first time around...didn't drink nearly as much or as often, the TRUE fact is that I am just as much of an alcoholic now as I was in 1996. For almost a whole year now I've been hiding bottles, chewing the strongest gum & mints I can find, and in essence, getting a buzz at least once a day.

My family doesn't know I relapsed. I'm now approaching 36 hours since my last drink, but know that this is something I will need to tell my family about ASAP.

I was glad to find this site, because it reminds me how much I need to stay connected with AA and be honest with my family and friends when I feel a weakness coming on...no matter how long I go without drinking. It reminds me that I am not weak for reaching out for help, because there are so many of us suffering the same thing...what makes me weak is to think that I can do it alone...or to forget that I AM an alcoholic, and no amount of abstinence will ever change that fact...for LIFE!

Thank you all for the wonderful, inspiring and honest posts...it's really helped me in my conviction to stay sober.

And Mel, at least in my case, allowing myself to even entertain the idea that I wasn't really an alcoholic anymore, left that little window, when my stress levels were up, to have have one drink, which for an alcoholic, usually has a domino effect.


Member: Mark W.
Location: near the BIG croquet wicket
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 4:36:20 AM

Comments

Doubts? Good topic. At my homegroup we read "How it Works" at opening every time. Cunning, baffleing, powerful? Yes, to an extreme. The committee that resides in my head occassionally manages a pop up thought saying it would be allright today to have just one. Someone above mentioned that the bottle was staring at them. I think I've met that bottle too! The serenity of knowing I am an alcoholic, and that I've found a cure, has been enough each time thoughts like this have come up. The continuation of reinforcement of AA tools and principals has been the single reason the committee has yet to win the argument that one would be O.K. Saturday was six years for me. Many changes have occurred in my life since I stopped drinking. Some have been good, some not so good. Difference is I no longer feel a need to escape either, and never awake with a hangover. I am grateful for what AA has done for me, and pass it along whenever I get the chance.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it! So true.......

Mark W. LMW007@aol.com


Member: RICHARD M
Location: SARASOTA, FLORIDA
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 8:40:15 AM

Comments

HI , MY NAME IS RICHRD, RICHARD M. ...I AM AN ALCOHOLIC......TODAY FOR ME IS DAY NUMBER 5931......ONE DAY AT A TIME ......IT REALLY TAKES THAT SORT OF FOCUS...ONE STEP AT A TIME AS WELL.....WE ARE GRANTED A DAILY REPRIVE , CONYTINGENT ON THE MAINTENCE OF OUR SPIRITUALITY.....THE ALCOHOLISIM IS CUNNING BAFFELING AND POWERFULL......AND PATIENT ...IT IS WAITING FOR YOU TO LET YOUR GUARD DOWN SO IT CAN SLIP IN AND TAKE YOU OUT .....HOWEVER WITH GODS GRACE , WE HAVE AN ADEQUETE DEFENSE......ALCOHOL FREE~~!!!!!!IN LOVE AND SERVICE ..AY BE EVER TRUE AND FAITHFULL........AFTER ALL ...WHO WANT'S TO DIE FROM A DISEASE RTHAT HAS ALREADY BEEN CURED???????...RICHARD M.


Member: Tom Mc.
Location: Paoli, PA
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 8:59:21 AM

Comments

Hi everyone, I'm Tom and I'm without a doubt an alcoholic. I was sober for almost 5 years and for about the last 8 months have been drinking myself into a very dark and lonely place. I have 5 days without a drink. I have made a conscious decision to stop working this program my way and start taking directions from my sponser,my higher power and all of you in the rooms of AA. I too,Mel,feel huge amounts of guilt and remorse over what I've done and the people I've hurt along the way. I also know for today I don't have to drink. I have come clean in most of the meetings I go to that I was out there, but still have a lot of shame to admit it in a meeting even though I know you folks are welcoming me back and just keep saying "Keep comin' back" "It gets better". Even though I'm not sure what my Higher Power is, I getting on my knees and praying morning and night to stay sober and asking for his will for me. Hopefully with time the guilt and remorse will not be as strong as they are today. Thanks for letting me share. Tom


Member: Bruno K
Location: Royal Berkshire   UK
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 9:48:58 AM

Comments

Some real good sharing.

They told me thaat there are two things you musnt do if you want to be an old timer

a) Dont drink and

b) dont die.

Another guy said if you want an easier softer way try service.

Be lucky everyone

Bruno from Royal Berkshire UK


Member: Craig L (Dogmanor@yahoo.com)
Location: Aloha, Oregon
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 10:48:05 AM

Comments

I have no doubt I’m an alcoholic. The last time I went on a bender, alcohol pounded me to a pulp. You would think I must be insane to ever think of another drink, but it is “cunning, baffling and powerful”. When I allow myself to become complacent in my spiritual practice, I quickly go back to that angry, judgmental, unlovable creature that can’t stand himself and can only think of feeling different. My mind begins to tell me “it wasn’t that bad.” Then I come to an AA meeting and a shell-shocked new comer reminds me of the horrible despair. I become grateful, I didn’t use. I’m grateful the newcomer has found us. I forgive myself for being human and thank God for the gift of today.


Member: Doug S.
Location: Houston, Tex.
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 12:55:26 PM

Comments

Hi,--I'm Doug S. and an alcoholic. Been sober since Aug. 1, 1970. I have to remember that my brain is not always my friend. My disease sometimes tells me i don't have it..Normal drinkers don't sit around wondering if they are alcoholic.When I had doubts in early sobriety i trained myself to remember the LAST of my drinking and how bad i was. Not think about the very early part of my drinking and how good it made me feel.Don't drink, go to meetings and do the steps and you will reach the place, like the BB tells us, where the the drink problem has been removed. At first i did not that would ever happen. It did and i'm so grateful


Member: Dorothyann M
Location: New Jersey
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 3:21:24 PM

Comments

Hi all,

My disease caught me when I was at my weakest. I thought all was ok, that I was handling "Life on Life's Terms" just fine. I had been sober for 5 1/2 years. Went out for 6 months. Prior to that, I had been sober for 2 1/2 years - and on the run for another 2 1/2 years of periodic binging. I crawled back - after rehab and counseling and had what I thought was my last drink on March 16, 1987.

In June 2001 (while building a brand new 5 bedroom home and going for full custody of my (ouch - hate to call him this - but am trying to forgive) husband's children, I found out he was running around with another woman. It was torturous...he was still living in our home - would not say a word to me or his step-children (my girls), would not give me a penny towards our current home or any money towards the building of the new home (which is directly across the street from where I live). I handled everything fine (yeah - you all know the meaning of "FINE", right?) F-fucked up I-insecure N-neurotic E-emotinal paid the bills, kept everything current (don't know how I managed - took a part time job, yada yada yada)

Well, anyway - I picked up on Aug 30, 2001 (my birthday, dammit) - and it was ok at first - I was like "yeah - I've got this thing licked". Then bang, the prgression that we've been told about (or promised would happen) started moving rapidly. Stopping at the liquor store to get a small enough bottle of vodka to fit in my bag (and I carry a BIG BAG), and usually stopping out again later for another, if I did not go out for the evening. And if there wasn't something hidden in the house to get me started the next day, I was in really bad shape. (Shelley I relate so much to your story). My daughters knew I was back out - and they hated it. I told them not to worry, I would control it - that they would not see me drunk. HA! Who the hell was I kidding? Certainly not them...just this drunk/addict...cause my disease told me I was ok. I deserved to let loose with all the stress I was under. In December, I went through an emergency operation that landed me in the hospital for 8 days - 2 of them in the emrgency room. They had me so shot up with demerol and later morphine I could have cared less where I was. Then they sent me home with this mad array of high octane controlled substance pain-killers (I damn near thought I had died and went to heaven!) Little did I know it was damning me to a sure course of misery and hell.

Things started to get worse fast. I knew it was only a matter of time, that this would not work for me. The self-loathing and remorse and soul-sickness would continue and get worse if I remained out there. What did I want? I had finally landed the job of my dreams a year ago last December - I knew I would screw that up if I kept on. I was slowly losing my daughters - they were turning away from me. But mostly, I was losing so much of me - Dorothyann - I had become a valuable member to society. I was teaching CCD and taking the kids I taught to Soup Kitchen's and Nursing Homes - trying to teach them to give back to others when they are able. I coach softball and cheerleading and volunteered my time whenever possible. But the consequence of me pciking up that first drink was me losing me. I did not want that. I shared on last weeks topic that I was so mad at God when everything went down in June, that I pushed Him away. I quit everything that had anything to do with being around the same people. So where did that leave me? To go hang out in bars, cause - after all - I needed to get out right? Boy did I play on the tracks, and it caught me - it took 3 months but that damn train got me. Well, I don't want to be a train wreck that people look at and shake their heads - I don't want to be so crumbled that I will never be able to be whole again. So I had my last drink on March 16th (was passed out by midnight at a family party) and on March 17th (So I am crazy Irish, and still need something to celebrate on St. Patrick's Day!), I humbly asked God to help me. I am powerless over alcohol and drugs, I cannot do this alone. I asked Him to lift the obsession, and He has lifted me.

Please, if anybody out there thinks they can lick this, that maybe they are not "really an alocholic", listen to those of us who went out on R&D - did the Research - trust me - all the Developments are bad. It doesn't get any better - it SURELY only gets worse. At least it did for this drunk/addict.

Thanks for letting me share - Day 8 - One Day At A Time,

DA Gypsy


Member: Ronnie
Location: Chicago
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 4:17:48 PM

Comments

Am I an alcholic? With out a doubt in my mind. Yes my brain plays its little tricks. I now can reconize them and run screaming for help if need be.2 years ago i had just starting to fully recuporate from a long hospital stay due to my drinking. During that time I was given a 20% cahnce to survive.When i was released I was told if I drank again it would end up with my death. Did I listen ,in true alcholic fashion NO. Went to visit my sister in Fl. because i need to rejuvinate. started there and continued for Another year. The hiding , mints, visiting people i know would not question my drinking,was right back where i left off. Long story short ended back in hosp. got to rehab and have my 1st birthday on thurs. of one year . Thanks to my H.P., A.A. support frommy family, I live my days one at a time with a watchful eye on my mind.It is not all a rose garden but now i deal with it by having a clear head. Live Long and Sober.


Member: JASON
Location: MISSOURI
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 5:31:19 PM

Comments

I'm Jason and I am a greatful recovering alcoholic. Great topic. I have been sober for a year and a half and I am only 25. I still have thoughts of drinking and what it might be like again but they usually real short and I come back to reality. It was easy for me to admit that I was an alcoholic but, recovery for me didn't start until I accepted the fact. We do not have control over our minds, but we do over our actions if we so choose. I must think before I react and play the tape all the way through. I am an alcoholic and will be until the day I die. The cool thing is that life has just began for me. When those thoughts come go to a meeting, call your sponsor and pray to your Higher Power which you are working on now. One day at time and be patient, give the miralce a chance to happen.


Member: Bruce N
Location: Houston Tx
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 6:31:22 PM

Comments

Hi ...Bruce an alcoholic..very grateful today to be sober. Boy, after reading some of your posts and thinking about the topic it seems like I did a mini-movie on my past. Man there was some screwed up thinking going on in this guys brain for a long time. I've been around this disease either actively or in recovery all my life. My Dad is a recovering alchy since feb of 1970, both brothers recovering, and I'm in my 19th year. If I just stop for one minute and reflect on all of that and then turn around and think that I could somehow, someway drink differently, well that's just plain insane. Even with all of that said, I still get those thoughts that sneak up on you. You know, the kind that you go...What the hell was That all about...kinda thought. I have got to keep this thing simple! Just because I think about something doesn't mean I have to do it. Good Lord...if I did every crazy ass thing I thought about doing they would have locked me up and threw away the key a long time ago. I have choices to make today. Would I like to be able to drink socially..probably...can I drink socially..NO WAY. So I don't. And I don't take to places that make me think I can. It's just to important(sobriety). If I'm in God's will today and not all lost in what I want then those passing thoughts are just that...passing. God Bless and have a great day!


Member: brian h
Location: north east
Date: 3/25/2002
Time: 7:09:04 PM

Comments

hi im brian a cross addicted alcholic .i feel remorse for a lot of things i have done. i think that is good though because i know it was wrong.


Member: Jimmy
Location: SWEDEN
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 8:52:48 AM

Comments

Hi Í am jimmy an alcoholic from sweden... I have been an alcoholic since the day I was born, but my disease was activated when I got drunk for the first time... 13 years old. Now I am 24 I have been sober for A little while. In the beginning at I felt remorse over all the things i have done... But now when I accepted it, everything completely turned. Hopefully I´ll never forget what i´ve done but I wont denie it anymore. Most of the time I feel fine... But there are days when I have to remind myself of who I am, AA helps me with that the only thing I have to do is go to a meeting... All the stupid things I have done took me to this moment.... This moment of feeling fine and satisfied... Tanks to AA and a loving, caring GOD/ Jimmy


Member: Gregory A
Location: Western New England
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 10:19:18 AM

Comments

Hi I'm Greg, Alcoholic. If you're still reading this meeting, I want to send a warm welcome to Scott K. Speaking in meetings can be tough, and it's ok to listen. It also helps to let other people know who you really are. In fact I can't immagine staying sober without that. I think for me that practice came about from working the steps.

As far as a sponsor goes. I think you could probably find a psuedo-sponsor online, but I highly recommend asking someone you can see regularly face to face. I think you can find a "friend in AA" online, but I would talk about finding a sponsor at local meetings and with your new friends around your home group's coffee pot.


Member: Patti H
Location: Grand Beach, Man. Can
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 10:37:21 AM

Comments

Hi, I'm Patti and I'm an alcoholic. Simple isn't it. We wish. I have been sober almost nine years and I don't believe I have ever doubted being alcoholic since I was in my teens. I grew up in an alcoholic family like most of us, and would have to be particularily dense to not see the same traits in me as in my parents.

I entered the AA program 16 years ago and spent about seven years going in and out the revolving door. It was horrendous. Although I could accept the idea of being alcoholic, I could not accept my responsibility is getting sober. Acceptance!!!! Huge word. Once I could accept it was my responsibility not to take the first drink and God would take care of the rest, I was able to get a handle obn the whole thing. That and attending regular meetings for a long time got me sober and kept me there.

Someone previously mentioned the "phenomenon of craving". When I first read that in the BB, I knew that I was alcoholic beyond a doubt. I had never been able to put a name to this feeling, but once the BB had, I was convinced.

Perhaps, Mel, it is not doubts of your disease that you are having, but doubts that you are worthy of being sober. Remember that the disease of alcoholism is sly, cunning and patient.....always waiting for you to let your guard down. We are all worthy of the peace sobriety brings and God loves us all. Even us.

I have recently moved out to the country and am delighted to have found this site.

Thank you for sharing.


Member: Krista L.
Location: Atlanta
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 1:40:15 PM

Comments

Hi All. I'm Krista and I'm an alcoholic. I think I knew I was an alcoholic when I found myself in an AA meeting! I didn't "accidently" end up in an AA meeting! I knew I was an alcoholic, but being in a meeting and talking about my drinking abolished any reservations I may have had to the contrary. It works if you work it!


Member: MEL D
Location: MI
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 2:25:54 PM

Comments

Hi all,

I have been reading all this week...and starting to think doubt was the wrong word but Patti H I think u might be right about the worthiness. I have had this cold all week and everytime it feels like its getting worse the thought of drinking comes but the cool thing is that I have gone to more meetings with this cold cuz I know I don't want to go back...and I do want to do this and stick with it...no matter how much crap I go through in the beginning...with doubts...or fears or whatever it is thats goin on.

Thanks, MEL D


Member: Kim D.
Location: Bridgewater
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 2:47:47 PM

Comments

Hi everyone. Kim here, alcoholic.

Good topic, Mel. Personally, I can't believe 100% in my heart that I am an alcoholic and, at the same time, have doubts and thoughts that perhaps I am not... That is a contrary statement. By taking a thorough Step 1 and identifying the many ways in which I was powerless over alcohol and how my life became unmanageable when I drank, I know longer have ANY DOUBT in my mind that I am alcoholic.

However, that is not to say that I don't have cravings at times to drink. What I find is that when I am "off the beam" mentally, spiritually, and physically, my natural response is to escape back into a drink. Now, however, when the FIRST THOUGHT enters my mind, I can walk through Step 1 again - identify the unmanageability that drinking would bring - and proceed to Step 2, where I believe that a Power Greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

Because truly folks, for me to even CONSIDER drinking again after everything I have put my family, friends and myself through, is truly INSANE. I then can ask my HP to remove these INSANE thoughts and replace them with His Will for me - Step 3.

If I TRULY, 100% believe that I am an alcoholic, then I have NO DOUBT what-so-ever that I am and believe me, it took me a while to ADMIT that I am a REAL alcoholic, but even a longer time to ACCEPT that I am... That only happened when I hit the bottom that I needed to hit and had no more fight left in me to doubt the enormity of the situation before me.

Thanks for letting me share.


Member: Why?
Location:
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 3:44:15 PM

Comments

The alcoholic mind is indeed a strange one, as it is always in conflict with something! From the first day of sobriety to this very instant, no matter what the length of that time may be, the alcoholic's mind just cannot truly find a place for themselves that will be consistently serene or at peace with whatever he thought he would find in sobriety! There will always be an irritating factor in his or her life, and there always was! And that is why we drank, or used drugs or whatever! To my way of thinking this type of mindset is much more fortunate than the one who accepts everything that is thrown his or her way! Why? Because if this alcoholic mind is constructively building up defenses against all that is faulty and naked in this world, then that one has a better chance of finding something strong enough to prevail against this nakedness and trampling it under his or her feet!


Member: Billy J.
Location: Scotland
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 6:35:53 PM

Comments

Hi I'm Billy and I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for the topic Mel. Today I have no doubts that I have the illness of alcoholism in me. Today I arrest it one day at a time. I manage it thu God and this wonderful fellowship of A.A. We have a great saying in Glasgow for anyone who has doubts. It is better to be in A.A. kidding on you are an alcoholic than being out there in boozeland kidding on your not. Hope to hell that helps someone out there reading these meeting posts. thanks for being there folks.


Member: Rollie G
Location: Lennoxville.Que. Can.
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 6:58:49 PM

Comments

good evening everyone out there i am a great recovering alkie. well i came back again and i am still sober 5+yrs. but scarey. i have not been going to meetings for 6wks. now since i was told i could only belong to one groupe and i had belonged to 2 french groupes and 1 english group so i quit all 3 groupes and stay home but i find it very shakey with no f2f meetings. maybe i will travel 50 miles to usa border at newport vt. if i was sure i would be welcomed there. I just dont know what to do. anyone have any clues please share them with me before i lose my accumalated5+yrs in soberiety.HELP.i didnt think these CANUCKS could be so ignorant. BUT? thanks for support love ROLLIE G


Member: BOBBYBIGCOCK
Location: CONNIELINGIUS
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 9:53:35 PM

Comments

TWAT and PIZZA NIGHT EASTER SUNDAY.BRING HOME YOUR HORNY HONEY A HOT PIZZA AND WHILE IT,S COOLING DOWN STICK YOUR TONGUE BETWEEN THOSE VAGINAL LIPS INTO HER HEAVENLY HOLE AND FOR MULTIPILE EAR PULLING ORGASMS SUCK HER CLIT THRUGH YOUR TEETH AND LICK AND SUCK UNTIL SHE PULLS ALL YOUR HAIR OFF.YOU DO THAT 3 4 TIMES A WEEK, YOU<LL BE GETTING HEAD TIL YOUR DEAD


Member: BOBBYBIGCOCK
Location: CONNIELINGIUS
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 9:53:46 PM

Comments

TWAT and PIZZA NIGHT EASTER SUNDAY.BRING HOME YOUR HORNY HONEY A HOT PIZZA AND WHILE IT,S COOLING DOWN STICK YOUR TONGUE BETWEEN THOSE VAGINAL LIPS INTO HER HEAVENLY HOLE AND FOR MULTIPILE EAR PULLING ORGASMS SUCK HER CLIT THRUGH YOUR TEETH AND LICK AND SUCK UNTIL SHE PULLS ALL YOUR HAIR OFF.YOU DO THAT 3 4 TIMES A WEEK, YOU<LL BE GETTING HEAD TIL YOUR DEAD


Member: Denise  W
Location: INDIANA
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 10:05:41 PM

Comments

Hi, my name is Denise and i'm analcoholic. I am new to this "on-line AA" but i think its really neat. Been without a drink for almost 10 years. I have a message for Scott-- welcome.I would also like to share what I learned in the beginning, listen. "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth" .That's not to say sharing your feelinge is bad, just be willing to learn what these drumks are doing to stay sober. I feel I could have had a "temporary sponsor" in the beginning, but I was also taught to get to know people and listen-see someone that you want what they have-sobriety-wise, and learn what they are doing.Sponsors are also for sharing your inner-most thoughts and feelings, things you can't share during a meeting; someone you feel very comfortable with. good- luck one day at a time.


Member: Norman C
Location: Reading, PA
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 10:22:44 PM

Comments

Hi, I'm Norm, a grateful alcoholic. By the end of my first AA meeting I was convinced I was an alcoholic. I had tried too many times to control my drinking to no avail. The only thing that worked at all was if I ran out. And I was planning it so that I would not have too much (I thought) when it ran out.


Member: Michael B.
Location: AZ
Date: 3/26/2002
Time: 11:34:50 PM

Comments

Hi! My name is Michael, and I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, sober today only by the Grace of God and the Fellowship. Thanks for the sincere shares! Welcome newcomers!

Good topic, Mel. As far as what's the normal way of thinking in the recovery process, I think that, despite some similarities that all AA's have, each AA's thinking in recovery is stamped with the persons own history and experiences.

In a word, there is no "normal" way to think in recovery, apart from some very general patterns of thought we all tend to experience in recovery.

In fact, I'm waiting for someone to tell me what exactly is "normal"? For example, there are plenty of non-alcoholics who would not be considered models of "normalcy."


Member: Jack B
Location: Palo Alto, Pa
Date: 3/27/2002
Time: 2:45:02 AM

Comments

Hi, I am Jack, a real alcoholic. The only requirement for membership, is a desire to stop drinking. I am a real alcoholic, what that means to me is I have completely surrendered to the disease of alcoholism. Alcohol kicked my butt. Early on in my sobriety, when I heard about someone having doubts about whether or not they were alcoholic, the old timers would simply tell them to ask themselves this question. Are you alcoholic enough for you? If I even wanted to reconsider whether or not I am an alcoholic, my answer would be, who cares?I have found a better way of life sober, than I ever had when I was drinking. Thru God's amazing grace the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have enjoyed 14 + years of continous sobriety, and for that I am truly grateful.


Member: Erma G.
Location: Utica,N.Y.
Date: 3/27/2002
Time: 4:30:33 AM

Comments

For Rollie G.-The way I was told by the oldtimers when I first came around is that I can attend any group I wish but that my home group is where I am a voting member of the group conscience at business meetings.Please return to meetings and continue to help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.Disagreeing with the people or rules in a bar never kept me out of barrooms and I can't afford to let people or rules to keep me away from my lifeline.Will try not to double dip again Thanks for letting me share!!


Member: DonnaL
Location: Brookhaven,PA
Date: 3/27/2002
Time: 1:59:48 PM

Comments

Hi,Mel I'm Donna and I'm an alcoholic . today I know, who knows what tommorrow will bring. I don't know if those doubts or thoughts of being an alcoholic will ever completely go away,I'm not God nor am I physchic. Its been my experience they come and go. The longer you stay sober the time in between gets longer. I think your gonna be okay,learn to live in one day at a time and keep coming back, it's worth it. For 16 years I struggled with denial and acceptance of being an alcoholic. then one day the pain was great enough and I surrender. To Scott: Congratulations on your 30 days, your a Winner and keep coming back 'cos we need you.


Member: Rollie G
Location: Lennoxville.Que.Can.
Date: 3/27/2002
Time: 4:56:41 PM

Comments

thanks to ERMA G. for answering me back maybe if weather permiting i will try and return tonite and take your advice. love you all ROLLIE G


Member: Mark D
Location: NH
Date: 3/27/2002
Time: 5:00:11 PM

Comments

After the craving for alcohol is lifted; and when one's relief from the misery that brought us to AA fades, (usuaslly abetted by not working the steps) it is common to think that maybe your "cured". Or even, the thought that with all you've learned about alcohol in the program, you'll be alert to the warning signs of "dangerous" drinking. I went out after my first 9 months because I got lazy. I had to start growing in ram and these kind of thoughts started nibbling at me until I stated experimenting. After a month and a half of successful 'experiments' I was in front of my boss with a written warning that the next time--I'm gone.So much for experiments.

I look back and remember when I could control booze. I think that I always drank alcoholicaly, but I usuaslly drank responsibly. That is, until the last couple of years when I would drive, drink in the morning, drink AT work? The chemical part of this disease then had taken its toll on me. Those are nerves and synapses that have been forever altered by the alarming amounts of booze that I had ingested. I accept that I am way past the point of no return, so why think about going back. There's too many other things that I could be doing now that I chose not to do then.


Member: Shianne
Location: USA
Date: 3/27/2002
Time: 11:21:14 PM

Comments

Thanks for the topic, Mel: "do the doubts of being an alcoholic ever go away?" For me they have. I know I can never drink sociably. That first drink will get me drunk and the last drink is never enough. Once a pickle, I am always a pickle. I thank my HP too for removing these doubts because all they did was lurk around in early sobriety waiting for a chance to join my stinkin' thinkin'. They never helped me to keep my eyes / heart on AA. So today, I'm glad I know what is wrong with me. I'm alcoholic.


Member: PJ
Location: Florida
Date: 3/28/2002
Time: 12:50:14 AM

Comments

PJ here, definitely an alcoholic. I often read the posts at this site, but don't often share my thoughts. Tonight I felt the need to say a heartfelt {{THANK YOU}} to all who have shared their relapse experiences. Reading your shares reminds me I can never take my sobriety for granted, that I need to continue doing what I did in the beginning: go to meetings, talk to my sponsor and keep working the steps. My disease is alcoholISM not alcoholWASM. I;m grateful for each & everyone in this wonderful fellowship. Sober blessings to all :)


Member: lydia w
Location: savannah,ga
Date: 3/28/2002
Time: 9:18:27 AM

Comments

in my humble opinion,the ism part is always going to be there in me. i had a thinking problem before i even picked up at age 12. 'tho i have been sober for a while now, i still have a thinking prob and i will die someday with it. great topic mel. hugs to all. lydsav4@aol.com


Member: kendra
Location: nh
Date: 3/28/2002
Time: 12:38:47 PM

Comments

hi to all here and thank you for posts.always a pleasure to come here even though don't do it often enough.surely alcoholic here..kendra..hello all.good topic as for self easy to slip up..someone once said if getting that feeling ask yourself whats going on..had enough sleep, eating right,obssessing or whatever. for me for awhile plain and simply is breaking the habit of impulsively just stopping at store or whatever..it is a disease of mind and body..but have that one and starts of compulsion or kicks in disease or urning again.and watch people places and things..A BIG ONE THERE..surely tripped me up.stopped once to say hello to friends and said ohhh you can have just one..well was start to an awful--AWFUL year after..and yes it is progressive..strips us of all hold dear and need.as saying goes ONE DAY AT A TIME IT GETS BETTER.Life is to be enjoyed and put here for more of a reason then isolation, nothingness.hope and wish for all here..and pray..thanks for letting me share.


Member: Rich P
Location: Colorado
Date: 3/28/2002
Time: 2:22:11 PM

Comments

Crazy as it is, I still have doubts that I am an alcoholic. Still think I can have just 4 - even now I don't bother to kid myself I can have just one. Drinking one just pisses me off, got to have 4, then stop! Trouble is 9 out of 10 times I didn't stop. Oh, but every 10th time I was just a regular drinker! Yea right.

I love fish. If 9 out of 10 times I ate fish I had an allergic reaction, would I stop eating fish? Of course I would. I would bitch about it, but I would stop. I have an allergic reaction to alcohol. Rash, sweating, heart rate jumps, chills, etc. Yet I drank through that allergy....because this is not fish, this is alcohol.....and I am an damn alcolholic!

My life is better today. I don't miss the glamour of drinking any more than I miss the Marlboro man. I bought that lie once before and I paid the price. Now I know better. Now I am working on my program. Working on living sober. Trying to uncover just what it is God would like me to do with my life now that I am not hiding in the basement drinking.

I don't know what that is yet. But tonight I will coach my little girl's soccer team and this weekend we will celebrate Easter as a family. And each day in between I will pray for God's will to make itself known to me, and for the courage to act on that knowledge.

Until then, peace.


Member: stoneman
Location: pittsboro  n.c.
Date: 3/28/2002
Time: 4:26:11 PM

Comments

why am i here and not at a meeting? this seems like a poor excues for a real meeting.


Member: Bruno K
Location: Royal Berkshire UK
Date: 3/28/2002
Time: 5:43:59 PM

Comments

This is my first visit to the meeting. I have been to the Coffee Pot a few times.

So I just want to say hello and say how I have enjoyed the sharing and hope to take part sometime. My name is Bruno and I'm an alcoholic.


Member: Bruno K
Location: Royal Berkshire UK
Date: 3/28/2002
Time: 5:44:18 PM

Comments

This is my first visit to the meeting. I have been to the Coffee Pot a few times.

So I just want to say hello and say how I have enjoyed the sharing and hope to take part sometime. My name is Bruno and I'm an alcoholic.


Member: Anonymous
Location: sign dine dine
Date: 3/28/2002
Time: 6:15:53 PM

Comments

You have a disease all right, One that tells you: you have a disease! Why die die....


Member: Angela
Location: FL
Date: 3/28/2002
Time: 9:43:19 PM

Comments

Hi. My name is Angela and I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for the topic, Mel, and thanks for all the great posts from everyone. How do we find the place we need to be? It's a mystery to me, but somehow I found this site tonight.

I am especially grateful for all the comments about relapsing. I've been out experimenting for awhile now, and it was worse than ever this time. I can't even remember yet how many years of sobriety I threw away this time. Maybe after the fog start to lift I can figure it out. But that's not important. What's important is that I made a meeting today and picked up a white chip.

Do the doubts ever go away? I don't know. I do know that once again, I had it all under control. All the signs were there. But I was in control. I had it all together. Notice who's driving the ship--ME, yes good ole ME. Me, the alcoholic.

I could really relate to the cocktail waitress/slot machine story because that was it for me in Biloxi. Only this time the supply was hidden all around the house, car, and office in less than a month.

I have BS'd everyone I care about by saying I'm only having a glass of wine to unwind a little. Some family members were very concerned, but heck, I even had a book to show them called "Moderate Drinking." Yes, you can find a program to control your drinking right in your local bookstore. I guess it's pretty controlled when you have to make notes about which liquor store you went to so you don't keep showing up too many times at the same one. I guess it's very controlled when you plan how to hide it, where to hide it, how much you will need to hold you over until you can hide somemore. Don't forget the mouthwash and mints. And some garlic for good measure.

What doesn't go away is being an alcoholic. If you are (and I AM) then you will always be. No matter what the committee in your head tells you, no matter what the bottle tells you, no matter what you want to hear. The alcoholic always knows it deep down inside. I have never doubted that I am an alcoholic. I just don't want to be one. Acceptance, surrender, and turning over my will. Lessons that I must learn again, the hard way.

Thank you all for being here for me.


Member: Brando
Location: Everywhere
Date: 3/28/2002
Time: 11:01:03 PM

Comments

I think the hardest thing to do is to accept the facts. Accept the fact u want that drink. Accept the fact that we dont need that drink. Accept the fact that water tasts as good as JB. Accept the fact miricals happen all day, everyday. Accept the fact MY hands sweat all the time(hehehe). Accept the fact that some cant accept.


Member: Jim S.
Location: Fortaleza, Brasil
Date: 3/28/2002
Time: 11:34:30 PM

Comments

Hi all,Jim here, I'm an alcoholic.

Just wanna say thanks for this site. All my meetings are in Portuguese, which I speak pretty well, despite having learned it while riding the egde. Of course nothing can replace a real meeting, but thinking and reading English here is helping me stay sober.

10 days and counting...........thanks.


Member: Jerry  S
Location:
Date: 3/29/2002
Time: 12:54:49 AM

Comments

This topic has helped a lot tonight. I know I am an alcoholic because in the 22 days I have worked the program I have been in bed and asleep by 10:30. Tonight my wife and her best friend went out to celebrate the friend’s birthday. When they came home they each made a drink and promptly passed out. It’s after midnight and all I can think about is those two drinks on the kitchen counter. One minute at a time and know for sure I am an alcoholic.


Member: Harlan B
Location: California
Date: 3/29/2002
Time: 6:51:24 AM

Comments

Harlan, alcoholic. Woke up this morning at 2:30am with the thought "I wish there was a meeting"....hmmm. I had heard of online meetings and thanks to Google, I made it here. This is an excellent topic Mel - and the frank sharing that followed is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. My HP works that way all the time...I just don't always "get it". I'm with PJ on this topic. When I stay in the here and now, practicing the principles as directed by the 12 Steps, my sponsor, the literature and my AA cronies, then my serenity is like that warm blanket on a sub-zero night.

I'm going through some incredible changes right now: relationship breakup, job transfer which is forcing a move to an area I don't like, and physical illness. Stress is the activator of my mind, which I've learned is a dangerous thing. It was hard for me to accept that it wasn't just my wrong way of thinking that got me here, but my whole way of thinking. Reading your posts this morning helped me remember that. Thanks for letting me share.


Member: Aussie Lenny
Location: Morisset Australia
Date: 3/29/2002
Time: 7:17:40 AM

Comments

Great discussion folks. To previous comments about this not being a meeting. I go to 6 meetings a week. This is an added bonus for us. My friend says he doesnt like peanuts even though he has never tried them. Contempt prior to investigation mate. I like this meeting, but not the same as face to face but as an additive.


Member: karen p
Location: indiana
Date: 3/29/2002
Time: 9:06:58 AM

Comments

aa is my lifeline to recovery.without the fellowship of other alcoholics i coulld not stay sober my life had become a living hell and im sick and tired of being sick and tired


Member: Gina W
Location: NZ
Date: 3/29/2002
Time: 10:20:04 AM

Comments

Thanks for the topic. It's an issue that not often gets talked about but I know for me it was a big theme in my early recovery and learned not to talk about it too much in case someone roared at me, YOU'RE IN DENIAL! I think it's really normal to doubt you're an alcoholic in early recovery. That's why it's really important to go to heaps of meetings to listen to the similarities. And to share. To say outloud that you are an alcoholic. It affirms what you know in your heart. It affirms your recovery. I find that helps for me anyway.


Member: Megan A.
Location: vermont
Date: 3/29/2002
Time: 10:43:12 AM

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hi everyone..jen alcoholic here.great topic.resolve determination not to go back to that no matter what one day at a time.Hor trying to remind selves or for me what it does and is never just one and giving up doesn't work.Things only get worse and sunk in and more difficulties all go thru along with self.I just have to share that Health IS SO IMPORTANT AND KEEPING THAT IN MIND HELPS ME.AND WHAT IS LIVES OBJECTIVE..TO INSPIRE AND HELP ONES YOUNGER THEN OURSELVES.WE ALL TEACH OR GIVE SOMETHING OF OURSELVES EVEN WHEN WE AREN'T AWARE OF IT.I like what Jeff said about his sponsor saying..don't bs-you know what you have to do and do it. Also people who like to goof on others or pray on playing with a persons mind..its not funny.have to ask yourself or selves how is your side of the street and what are you doing??Do you really want persons and ones with families, dependents etc. to lose their mind.and maybe your all wrong in your own perceptions.Sorry had to get it off my chest as it is so cruel, hateful, unkind and caring for a laugh at others expenses.Need to take care of own lives. thank you for letting me share. Megan


Member: Janice P.
Location: Illinois
Date: 3/29/2002
Time: 6:12:33 PM

Comments

Janice here, recovering alcoholic and sober for 1 1/2 years. Every once in a while, I still have doubts about if I am alcoholic. And I stop and take a step back and remind myself that my disease is playing games with me. Why we still think like this, I will never know. When I get those thoughts that I might be able to have JUST ONE, I "play the tape the whole way through, all the way to the end". As alcoholics, it is interesting how we remember only the fun times when we were drinking, and easily forget all the bad things that have happened to us and COULD HAPPEN to us if we take that first drink. When I get those kinds of thoughts, I pick up the phone and call my sponsor. I need to remind myself often that alcohol was my master, and that it almost ruined my life. I ask my Higher Power to erase all doubts from my mind.


Member: john atkinson
Location:
Date: 3/29/2002
Time: 7:35:38 PM

Comments

I need help!!!!


Member: john atkinson
Location:
Date: 3/29/2002
Time: 7:36:02 PM

Comments

I need help!!!!


Member: Walt
Location: Northern California
Date: 3/29/2002
Time: 8:03:43 PM

Comments

John...go to your phone and call the AA hotline in your area after getting the number from 411...there people will know about how to help if you are an alcoholic of our type...give it a try, what have you got to lose? Walt, alcoholic, and damn glad that I know what my problem is today, and what to do about it...the book states clearly that my main problem resides in my mind not in my body....that's the reason I really appreciate everyone's share, but especially the people who are in R&D...this week I have been having some problems with my thinking and you all have helped me alot...via con Dios


Member: Pete B.
Location: Indy
Date: 3/30/2002
Time: 10:49:11 AM

Comments

Hi everyone ... Pete here ...alcoholic!

Thanks for the topic Mel. And indeed the thought of having a drink is always with me. I crossed the line in '87 and it's been with me ever since. I do not have the compulsion but once in a while the picture of a nice martini pops up. If it wasn't for AA, I would probably take action on that thought. Only AA can and the HP can give me the power to overcome those kind of thoughts. Stay real close to AA and do everything without question and you will understand this reality.

Thanks .... Pete


Member: ashly
Location: n
Date: 3/30/2002
Time: 12:59:02 PM

Comments

how do you begin to stop drinking? i have been in denial far too long. if someone gets so damn drunk that they wet their pants you bet yer ass they're an alcoholic.i am sick of it and don't know where to start.


Member: Diana M.
Location: Sunny California
Date: 3/30/2002
Time: 4:36:52 PM

Comments

Mel D. Good Topic. Do you ever stop thinking that you can drink again. Well a gentleman earlier says you do. And he has more time than me. So the Big Book says you can believe absolutly andything they say about themselves. I choose to believe that Gentleman, sorry I did not get your name though. As for me I turned 11 this year and as of yet I do every once in awhile think that maybe I have overcome this episode in my life. But because I relapsed after my first two years in the program I experienced the progression of the desease and I also experienced how hard it was to get back,,, God did not give me a feebee the 2nd time around. I had to work for it. And there for awhile I was afraid that it would not work for me again. That was really scary. Another thing I have learned by hanging around you people is that this desease LIES to me about a lot of things. So I remind myself of what you folks told me and I move on...That part has gotten easier to do because of the Grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Annonymouse and wonderful people like you..

ODAT Diana


Member: Diana M.
Location: Sunny California
Date: 3/30/2002
Time: 4:37:23 PM

Comments

Mel D. Good Topic. Do you ever stop thinking that you can drink again. Well a gentleman earlier says you do. And he has more time than me. So the Big Book says you can believe absolutly andything they say about themselves. I choose to believe that Gentleman, sorry I did not get your name though. As for me I turned 11 this year and as of yet I do every once in awhile think that maybe I have overcome this episode in my life. But because I relapsed after my first two years in the program I experienced the progression of the desease and I also experienced how hard it was to get back,,, God did not give me a feebee the 2nd time around. I had to work for it. And there for awhile I was afraid that it would not work for me again. That was really scary. Another thing I have learned by hanging around you people is that this desease LIES to me about a lot of things. So I remind myself of what you folks told me and I move on...That part has gotten easier to do because of the Grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Annonymouse and wonderful people like you..

ODAT Diana


Member: Pam
Location: Washington
Date: 3/30/2002
Time: 5:48:04 PM

Comments

Hi Mel& All, I am an alcoholic. I want to stop drinking. Total abstinence from alcohol is a new experience for me. AA is new to me. I am currently in an IOP treatment program. I have been sober for 12 days. For 19 years I tried to drink like normal people. I can't. Somehow it always got out of hand. I was always very careful to keep it hidden. Only my husband and children knew and suffered through it. I never drank on the job but I often worked hungover. I was careful never to drink more than anyone else in social situations but usually always continued to drink after I got home. I couldn't stop. It took 24 hours in jail with a DUI and Assault 4 for me to finally wake up. I'm in danger of losing my husband, my job and my career. I can't drink like normal people. I have a disease. I can't beat it alone. God is my higher power. I need a support system. I am searching for a sponsor. Thanks for being here.


Member: JoAnn W
Location: West Virginia
Date: 3/30/2002
Time: 9:38:47 PM

Comments

Hi I'm Joann and a alcoholic. i had trouble admitting that i in fact am an alcoholic. it was not my drug of choice so i did not think it was a problem but now i know better it was always in the picture with or without other drugs. Today i know i can not drink


Member: Denise
Location: Maine
Date: 3/30/2002
Time: 11:42:19 PM

Comments

I was sober for four years. I decided to go back to college, got busy, stopped going to meetings. I went out with some friends from school. I was talked into having just one. That one drink made me lose my job, my son, my boyfriend, my licence, but most of all my self respect. I proved to myself one last time that I cannot drink safely. The first one is the one that gets me. After that I have the craving, I know now that with my higher powers help I am only in remission for that day and if I don't go to meetings (my medicine) I am sure to drink again. It's been over a year and I am still paying for that one night I went back out. It isn't how much or how often I drink. It's what happens to me when I drink. So I want to wish everyone another 24 hours. And remember, if you had a drink today God Bless you, If you didn't he already has.


Member: jill r
Location: new jersey
Date: 3/31/2002
Time: 12:30:25 AM

Comments

i am scared to death about another drink, i had 120 days clean and thought i was "safe" then i went on a 5 day binger and have not recovered physically or mentally yet...it seems so much harder to get back up after you fall down..i want a drink so bad now i could cry and no one around me seems to understand..will it ever go away?? sometimes i just fell like giving up and just drinking my life away..any advice would be great..


Member: Al
Location: Florida
Date: 3/31/2002
Time: 3:45:59 AM

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Jill, just keep coming back to the rooms no matter what. We have fallen down many times, I kept doing it for sixteen years until I completely surrendered to my alcoholism. Until I did, sobriety was always temporary. If you're a real alcoholic you won't find your recovery until you completely surrender to you're disease. "Until we let go absolutely". Only then do we have enough humility, willingness, and open-mindedness to live this new way of life. Go to a meeting everyday and no matter what keep coming back.


Member: AnilG
Location: Mt Vernon,IL
Date: 3/31/2002
Time: 6:45:29 AM

Comments

I am an alcoholic and an addict feeling remorse and regrets after a drinking binge has always been there for me. I remember when I used to drink and then try to recall as to what had happed I relize what a fool I made of myself, I acted foolish insane said things to others normally I would not even think about saying or doing. Addicion is INSANE and causes INSANITY.