Member: Mike W
Location: Hillsdale, Mi. USA
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 7:22:30 AM
Hi. I'm Mike and I'm an Alocoholic, Why would someone,after Knowing the benifits of the program and the fellowship of AA get squirley and go back out after 4 years of the promices ? Especially after totally being chronic for a number of years . Pleasa give me your insight on this. Thankyou Mike W. plumbfitter2000@yahoo.com
Member: Steve F.
Location: Germany
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 8:26:27 AM
My name is Steve, I am an alcoholic. My natural state as an alcoholic is to be drunk, not sober. I have an incurable, progressive and fatal disease that can only be arrested by atendance at AA meetings, working the steps to the best of my ability and, most important, not taking a drink one day at a time. I have noticed that when I am confronted with situations that are new or that I am afraid of that my brain will tell me to solve the problem with a case or two of beer. My behavior becones very destructive. I firmy believe that it would only be a matter of time before I drank again if I were to stop being active in AA, stop being aware of my disease, and stop trying to seek some kind of humility through acceptance, ego deflation, unselfish and non-self-centerd behavior. I have no answer as to why other people drink after they have been to AA. Maybe it is akin to being in battle. My buddy stiks his head up out of the foxhole and gets it blown off. I do the same and nothing happens. What is important to me is that I continue to reaffirm my desire not to drink, contine to keep my side of the street clean, continue to reealize that I too am only one drink away from a drunk and contine to try to contribute someting to life and help wherever I may be needed both inside and outside of the meeting rooms. Whenever a brother or sister comes back to a meeting after a bout of drinking again, I alway make it a point to listen to them very carefully. In some ways these people are telling me about a future that could be in store for me if I fail to realize that my reprieve is only for today based on other conditions. It is not easy escaping the clutches of alcohol, and bearing that in mind I sometimes think about my last drunk before acting on that almost instinctive notion that a drink will solve all of my problems. Thanks for letting me share. Steve F.
Member: KAthleen
Location: freezing Florida
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 9:14:38 AM
Good morning all, Kathleen here, very grateful for AA and this is a terrific topic. I had over ten years sober and drank again. Here is what happened. I was very active in AA, 2 and 3 meetings a day, working and living the steps, working with my sponser and also trying to help others, active in service work, GSO etc, making coffee. Then life happened, my dream came true of becomoing a nurse, my soul mate who was in the program died, I was dx with ms, fibromyalgia and other ailments, (very painful ones), had to quit work and go on disability after 6 months after graduating nursing school.. moved away from my home group and GOT AWAY FROM THE PROGRAM, STOPPED GOING TO MEETING, STOPPED PRAYING, and then started hanging out with family at a kareoke place, and after a while the "O'dooles looked good and it took about two years of no meetings and hanging at the wrong places and yada yada yada...next thing I knew I WANTED to GET DRUNK...I don't belive in slips. I set out purposely to get drunk cause thats what I wanted to do. I ended up in the hospital and then found online AA and have now been sober almost 5 years again. This is a :"DAILY REPREIVE".........IF i lose contact with my hp or my AA or my sponser or you all on a daily basis that is the start of the "setting myself up" for a drink. May take a while but it WILL happen. Self pity sets in and whammo.....there I am.. I'm very very grateful to be sober today and feel blessed to have wonderful folks such as yourself in my life. I deal with horrible physical pain and sometimes it get discouraging but I know that it could always be worse. THis cold weather has triggered the trigeminal neuralgia and that is excruciating.... ER type of excruciating....but I don't have to drink over it. that would only make it worse. Sorry to ramble but I'm just home from work and in pain and happy to see this topic.... Keep coming back...it really does work if you work it and the big book tells us how to work it in chapter 5..."How it works."....go figure... Peace and happiness to all and an awesome sober day... Kat
Member: Charlie Darling
Location: Cold Ft Myers Fla Brr!!!
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 9:39:51 AM
Good Morning Family, Charlie Darling and a very grateful recovering alcholic. This is a great topic, and thank you, as I am coming up on 6 years Mar 1st, and it does go through my mind about relapsing, as I have heard many times that alot of people try it after 7 yrs or in thier seventh year, and they come back and said it was not worth the pain. I just thank God everydaY FOR HAVING A CLEAN SOBER LIFE, FOR i KNOW IF i WENT BACK OUT THERE i COULD NOT BE THERE FOR ANYONE LET ALONE MYSELF.Sorry i hit the cap locks. I never read what I write as then it would not be me, so I write my feelings as they come out, and that is the honest me. I have to remember to stay close to AA so I don,t go back out, and I welcome everyone back as if they were never away, and pray for them to stay with us in a life of sobriety. I can do anything as long as I don,t pick up. Love you all Charlie kwduke_1999@yahoo.com
Member: AZbill
Location: Sierra Vista, Arizona
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 10:04:31 AM
HI. Bill here. Alcoholic from Arizona. Over the years I have seen many go out. I attempted this program myself in the mid 70's. Left treatment and attended meetings on daily basis for several months. I walked out of a meeting and directly to a bar and drank for another five years. This is what I have found out over the years. There are those who are constitutionally incapable of being on honest with themselves. Nothing insures our sobriety more than working with another alcoholic. Yet still I have seen folks go out even after doing the above. When someone goes out and is lucky enough to make it back. The one question I ask is, "Did you do an 11th Step the morning of the day you when out?". The answer in most every case was no. Yet even then I have seen folks go out who did do an 11th. Rare but I have seen it. AA is a three phase program. Recovery, Unity, and Service. These are our three legacies handed down to us by our founders. In the Steps we all help each other to recover. In the Traditions we all work together for the good of AA. And in service we all work together to carry the message. This is what keeps us sober. Thank you for being a part of my sobriety today. Bill az-bill@mindspring.com
Member: Kim E.
Location: Indiana
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 10:21:55 AM
Hi, I'm Kim an alcoholic. This is a good topic for me today. It breaks my heart when someone goes back out. There is a man from my home group who has been near death several times due to alcoholism, yet he keeps relapsing. That shows me the insanity of this disease. I don't know why I seem to "get it" and others don't - I guess I don't need to know, I just need to be grateful. When someone with long-term sobriety relapses then comes back in to tell their story, I LISTEN. I know in my heart that could be me. I know a woman with almost 11 years who went out and ended up hocking her wedding ring to buy drugs. It all started in a bar with a drink. That's what would happen to me. And sometimes without warning. So I am diligent about being honest and working my program. That is my only hope. I know my HP wants me to be sober. Yes, life has happened to me both painful and wonderful. But I am so grateful to be able to show up for it all. When someone relapses I do feel angry and want to shake them so they will get it. That's when I need to remember they have a HP too and turn them over. Being angry won't help anyone. Taking that energy and throwing myself into my own program and service is much more constructive. It is an incurable progressive disease and I have a healthy respect for that. Thanks for being there - it is snowing heavily here and I couldn't make it to my face-to-face meeting this morning...
Member: Landscape Ray
Location: Scotland
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 10:36:18 AM
Hi good topic Mike going back out! i have seen people go back and have another bash at it and some have said it was a small thing that made them drink again some have said they dont know that one minute they are ok and the next they are drinking? all i know is that i havent tried it and i believe that putting this program into my life and working it into A.D.A.A.T then i will be ok my life and will are gods, to tell the truth everybody is different and its a hard to put you finger on it but my experience is that go to meets get a sponser work the program and lift the phone before you lift a drink regards Ray
Member: Jeff T.
Location: Ne.
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 12:00:36 PM
Jeff alcoholic. The big book tells me the reason why some go back out after a period of sobriety. The reason is that they left out some part of there fourth step, that they kept something to themselves, if we skip this vital step we are sure to drink again. Something to that effect anyway, all i know for sure is that if i`m to stay sober i must follow the steps in order & completely or i`m sure to drink again. When i`m agitated or confused about were my life is going at any point i need to consult my sponser or another AA friend to help me straighten out the problem or find the answers to my guestions, if there is any. Personaly i feel that there is no reason to drink again. The big book tells me that i have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind & body. Who am i to play God. All i have to do is not drink & the rest will come, sometimes guickly... sometimes slowly.
Member: Ron L
Location: Winnipeg. Man. Can.
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 12:11:37 PM
Gee great topic. My name is Ron and I am an alcoholic. I have othen refered to the term ( spiritual giants ) in A.A. and that term refers to those people who always seem to have the answer but never experienced the problem, the people who walk around as if God has made them the healer and end all to alcoholism. You know those people who have found the answer to every problem the minute that they walked through the doors of A.A. Some times I sit back and wonder whats going to happen and it never fails they just leave. some go back to the old way and some just go away. It must be hard to live a sober life trying to impress the newer members with ones perfection. When I was 2 years sober I asked an old timer that just had a peace and serenity about him that you could almost see. I asked " would it be true that you are like you are because you have been sober 30 years...been on the same job that long .. live with the same women.. and your to old to have sex problems or any other such problem??? he laugh and told me he had all those problems but has learnt how to deal with them on a daily basis. now Im just a couple of months short of 30 years sober and after going to 3/4 mgts a week in all that time I still have to live this program one day at a time... Some of you spiritual giants wont except this and will think youll be different but thats the way it is with me and I wouldent want it any other way. I have a prayer that goes like this.... PLEASE GOD DONT MAKE ME A SAINT.... THE ONES I KNOW ARE SO HARD TO LIVE WITH Thanks for letting me share
Member: Ron L
Location: Winnipeg. Man. Can.
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 12:13:46 PM
Gee great topic. My name is Ron and I am an alcoholic. I have othen refered to the term ( spiritual giants ) in A.A. and that term refers to those people who always seem to have the answer but never experienced the problem, the people who walk around as if God has made them the healer and end all to alcoholism. You know those people who have found the answer to every problem the minute that they walked through the doors of A.A. Some times I sit back and wonder whats going to happen and it never fails they just leave. some go back to the old way and some just go away. It must be hard to live a sober life trying to impress the newer members with ones perfection. When I was 2 years sober I asked an old timer that just had a peace and serenity about him that you could almost see. I asked " would it be true that you are like you are because you have been sober 30 years...been on the same job that long .. live with the same women.. and your to old to have sex problems or any other such problem??? he laugh and told me he had all those problems but has learnt how to deal with them on a daily basis. now Im just a couple of months short of 30 years sober and after going to 3/4 mgts a week in all that time I still have to live this program one day at a time... Some of you spiritual giants wont except this and will think youll be different but thats the way it is with me and I wouldent want it any other way. I have a prayer that goes like this.... PLEASE GOD DONT MAKE ME A SAINT.... THE ONES I KNOW ARE SO HARD TO LIVE WITH Thanks for letting me share
Member: Cee S
Location:
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 12:14:46 PM
Such altruistic, caring people... It really just comes down to hypocracy, and the culture of "I win, you lose". AA is just another way for people here to try to "win" in this competitive society, while using a holier than thou feeling of knowing better than the rest of humanity to justify it. I was even like that too. I found myself having to control the urge to preach to people, and shut people out if they disagreed in any way. Oh how humans desire to feel superior to one another (Alfred Adler), and they will grab onto anything that gives them that feeling. All the women did in my group was compete with me, instead of just accepting me and letting me be. And some of the men took revenge because I wouldn't date them---like badmouthing me to my boyfriend in the group(so he told me). The closeness of the group was nice at first, but it turned into a fishbowl, and a dysfunctional family.
Member: joe_don A
Location: nova scotia canada joe_don55@hotmail.com
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 12:21:42 PM
joe here alkie. great topic mike. at 6 mo.s sober an in an out of the program sence 89 im finally experianced at a topic. how it works says, there are those to who suffer from grave emotoinal an mental dissorders, we let our guard down, we don't pay attention to what it is we came here for in the first place. we let the stinkin thinkin in, an we fail to do the job we set out to do. remember cunning an baffling with out help we can't do it alone. so work your program of recovery with all of your being use the fellowship your hp meetings , what ever it takes it our lives we are talking about here an with that i wish you anothe 24 hr.s joe
Member: Lessa E
Location: Chicago
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 12:22:57 PM
Lessa E here, very grateful recovering alcoholic. Thanks for the topic today, Mike. I only speak for myself, having gone back 'out there' after being in the program for a couple of years. I can tell you now that I never truly 'got it'. Oh I got honest (mostly!), worked the steps, life got better and I started seeing some of the promises come true. But I had no true humility - I thought all these good things were happening to me because I deserved it. I still was judgemental and often took others' inventories, thinking, "I was never THAT bad." And, when life didn't go my way, I often got back into the pilot's seat to gain control rather than sit and wonder what my HP whom I know as God was trying to teach me. Another thing I now know...I had never truly given up the idea that if things got bad/good/indifferent enough, that I could drink. Oh, I knew I was an alcoholic all right. There was no denying that. But, I still thought wistfully of that nice buzz...that nice feeling of escape that would come IF I ever took up drinking again. The combination of lack of humility, my continued bondage of uniqueness (to borrow from a new BB story), the fact that I could never truly turn things over and leave them turned over, and the notion I had that someday I could STILL escape via drinking made it only a matter of time before I did relapse. This time, the consequences of that relapse were so humiliating that I was forced to gain some humility. I've truly turned things over - only it took almost a year to do that and have what I consider to be my 'spiritual awakening'. That was the day I turned over the compulsion to drink and it has not come back. Today I'm teachable. I work the steps with a sponsor. I have daily quiet times and hit my knees first thing in the morning and before I go to bed at night. I go to alot of meetings. I reach out to other alcoholics and I listen. I try to 'practice these principles in all of my affairs'. I realize I'm one of the lucky few that was able to come back to the tables...and I do not take that for granted. Thanks for letting me share. lessa_e@hotmail.com
Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 12:51:13 PM
Hi All, I am new in sobriety but I have already seen someone with long sobriety go out. They did everything seeminggly right in AA but still succumbed to alcohol. I think we are all human beings and make mistakes. The best offense is a good defense so I work hard at AA but I know I could still fail. Why do people do something that they know is very wrong? Why do people betray their own belief systems? Have that affair, cheat on their taxes, pick back up a drink or drug? Is it just our own human frailities or a character defect or both? I seem to fall when I get too comfortable and start to slack off or get haughty. I need to remember my own shortcomings and act with humility. I have to stay right sized and give it up to my Higher Power because I am imperfect. I can't, he can, I guess I'll let him.
Member: Kim V
Location: kvaughn@madison.main.nc.us
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 1:21:25 PM
Mike you ask why, because it is cunning, baffling, and powerlful. This diease talks to us, creeps us and tells us lies and waits til our defenses are down. The word insanity comes from knowing what we have with the promises and what we lie we tell ourselves at that moment we rationalize taking the first drink. I believe we lie to ourselves and rationalize other things before the lie that makes the decission to drink especially when we have had some time in the program. I believe when we stay close to our sponsor and support system and go to meetings and let people really know us that people will notice when there is something going on with us and call us on it. For me, you can't shut me up when something is bothering me or on my mind I go through my list of friends which are my support system and talk to all of them about it and usually by then I have gotten some other perspectives on the subject or gotten some nuturing I needed or heard something I needed to hear, or had stopped feeling sorry for myself. all I can say Mike is this what works for me and I pray that it keeps working and that I don't go back out. The hard part is coming back. Thank your lucky stars you made it and keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing.
Member: Joe R
Location: Tri-Cities, Washington
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 2:24:05 PM
Hi, my name is Joe Rosales and I was pick up on a DUI NOv.2, 2002 and have been attending AA meetings and counseling sessions and it is helping me a lot. I haven' touch a drink since Nov. 2,2002, even so I have been around people that drink occasionaly, I have substain from partaking in drinking.
Member: Beto L
Location: Tampico, Mexico
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 2:29:31 PM
Alcoholics drink because alcoholics drink. I thank God and the fellowship that I haven't relased yet, and I have hopes that I won't drink today, for 24 hours, starting right now. To those who have slipped and are reading this, welcome back. Don't drink today, no matter what.
Member: Jan BB
Location: Paris, France
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 2:30:43 PM
Good topic Mike, why would someone get squirley and go out after four years of the promise's in their life? Beat's me. I know for myself, my natural state, is to be drunk, stoned or both. I have stayed in AA, this time, because I really wanted it and continue to want it. I wanted a sober life, the program of AA (12 steps) and the way of life working it would produce. I was one of those retreads that had to have it her way. It was this last time in that I let go, took good orderly direction, by the book, the Big Book, of Alcoholics Anonymous. So far, so good. I agree with AZBill, working with other's is the way that keeps it fresh and working step 12. I know that I could have the old way of life (drinking and using) back in a heartbeat, everyday being the same, stuck, nope, I'd rather stick around here, working a program, feeling useful and diggin it. Faith and Hope ((Everyone)) janbbparis@yahoo.com
Member: tom a
Location: canton il
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 2:41:48 PM
The reason why some people go back out is that they get complacant.And this disease is cunning,baffling and powerful AND PATIENT!!
Member: Joe W.
Location: Georgia
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 3:30:18 PM
Hi everybody, I’m Joe and I’m an alcoholic, this topic hits home for me and I’m pleased to share my experience, strengths and hopes with you all. I entered the doors of AA in 98 after 2 DUI’s . I hit my personal bottom after 12 years of everyday drinking, no longer being able to keep up the illusion of self control. Did 90 in 90,got a Big Book, and a sponsor . An old timer with a few 24 hours under her belt explained why the 9 month chip was red…. It Means DANGER…Be Careful…. After 9 months of sobriety and working the steps…. Many people seem to forget just how bad things were before AA. I fell into that category without me even being aware of it. I got involved in a relationship with a woman in the program( my sponsor warned me of it,but of course I wasn’t thinking with the head between my shoulders.) After she drank a quart of Listerine and stopped coming home …. All hell broke loose….of course I ended up drunk and on a roller coaster that would last 2 years. Why would I go back out after knowing what I know about this disease? Because I’m an alcoholic, I stopped going to meetings, I stopped calling my sponsor, I broke my spiritual contact with my HP. I had begun to see the promises come true in my life and lost it all in a flash. Now I’m back with a few 24 hours under my belt taking baby steps back into sobriety. I am so thankful for all of you here, for you have all kept me sober today. Can’t hit many f2f meetings, closest one is 35 miles away, I have moved away from my home group where I got sober the first time. This site has been a miracle for me, thank you so much. If anyone here is coming back from a relapse, know that the doors of this program will always be open to you. Don’t give up and just keep coming back. Thanks for letting me share……I’ve been lurking too much lately. Remember, “ It’s the steps, It’s the steps, It’s the steps. Why? Just because it is.” Peace and Love Joe W.
Member: sonia
Location: Uk
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 7:29:20 PM
I want time out right now. I want to escape, and i dont want to go through the next week it terrifies me. I dont want to watch my gran die, I have very fixed ideas on what i want and i dont want right now. Mostly i dont want a racing brain. I want it to shut up. I want a drink. I wont. Not for this 24. (thanks for that beto) I can do 24 hours. My gran is really ill and it is like waiting for a bomb to explode. I cant watch the family go thorugh this, and i am powerless over everything. I feel selfish to the core. I am over two years sober, and to my knowledge i havent had the obsession to drink for at least two years. I will make as many meetings as possible, talk to my sponsor, and others, and try to be as honest as possible. I am glad this discussion was here for me today. See you in another 24. sonia
Member: Harry k
Location: U.K
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 7:48:05 PM
Hi all, Harry an alcoholic here. Why do people go out after a week, month, year,10 years of continuous sobriety? The answer (like everything else) is in the book. If one did not do a "thorough" 5th step then that might be a reason. What about sex? If a person continues to hurt others in order to satisfy their need for sex, we are warned that we will most likely get drunk ofer that as well. NONE OF THOSE? O.k, then look at step 10. It reminds us that we are not "cured" of alcoholism. We only have "a daily reprieve contingent on the MAINTENENCE of our spiritual condition." The key word is "maintenence"!. I don't find it a coincidence that every story of relapse starts when we stop maintaining our programme of recovery. There was a time in my sobriety when I stopped going to meetings because for this alcoholic, hearing a BAD AA message is worse than hearing no message. I know there will be allot of disagreement out there, but I got sober on AA's message. Not someone's opinion. I had to withdraw for a bit because I intuitivly knew how to handle a siuation that used to baffle me. I said I stopped going to meetings. I didn't say I stopped practicing my last three steps every day. I didn't say I stopped reading my BB. I didn't say I stopped using the phone, And I didn't say I wasn't maintaining my spiritual condition by AA on line. After a year and a half I was able to move from an un-named city in the U.K to another, where the fellowship is larger, more active and the message of recovery is talked about. Now I go to meetings again and I enjoy it. But make no mistake about it, If I stop MAINTAINING my programme on a DAILY basis, I'm screwed. Thanks for letting me type!
Member: Erma G.
Location: Utica,N.Y.
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 8:46:19 PM
Chapter 3 of the BB covers this topic in great detail.The "insanity" of alcohol___ISM.Sonia...we've all been through similar situations.I suggest you get to a face to face meeting and bring it up.When all is said and done you will be stronger for having gotten through this sober and your experience,strength and hope will be able to help someone else get through the same situation someday.Take it one hour at a time if you have to or 10 minutes at a time.You can do it.I have and you can.Thanks for being here.
Member: Chris T
Location: on the road again
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 9:16:14 PM
hello Chris T here alcoholic from baltimore maryland temporarily berthed in cocoa beach florida. appears another good topic on tap once again. an alcoholic SLIP? no such thing. a planned event? absolutely! I am just past 7 years and have slipped down the scale in the level of spiritual sobriety. I have had symtoms of what is known as the 7 year itch and took those signs for what they are worth and have made treks to meetings once again. Thats why i am here. I want this program. I want healthy happy emotional sobriety and not the risks of drinking because i have not kept sobriety and the god of my understanding number one in my life. thanks for letting me share
Member: Mike W.
Location: Hillsdale, Mi. USA
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 10:43:11 PM
Mike W. Gratefull for You folks. Excuse the double post but I just wanted to thank each and everyone who has and are going to post on this subject that has just "blown my mind" and your insights, suggestions ,and personal experiances are indeed reviving the spark to a ray of hope and should inevidebly return back to the raging fire of surrender, committment, confidence, and purpose I pray that I need at this turning point.. Thankyou I'd welcome your E-mail and covett your prayers Mike W. plumbfitter2000@yahoo.com
Member: Andrew
Location: Calgary
Date: 1/26/2003
Time: 10:57:57 PM
http://silkworth.net/silkworth/slipshumannature.html For an understanding of slips. Love that learning curve. paxaa@hotmail.com
Member: Bonny G.
Location: Hot Springs, AR
Date: 1/27/2003
Time: 12:08:13 AM
Bonny,grateful recoverying alcoholic here, this topic is right on target for me. I was at the door of a four year mark when I drank again. I not only believe that alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful, but so are the people in our lives. I kept going back to a man in my life, I even moved to a new town and went back out of loneliness, scarred of committing myself to a new group or anything else. We like to stay with what is comfortable for us. I spent four months drinking and crying, moved in with my Mother and got back into AA. I am pleased to say that with nine plus years now, I am still one drink away from my next drunk. The one thing I know for sure is that I've got another drink out there, but do I have another sobering up? I trust God to give me the right state of mind today to know that I have a better way of life, and I'm back in that town I moved to before that drink, and I work the program the right way this time. I try to commit myself to the AA way of life, and I find someone to talk to or I make extra meetings when I feel that old tug on my gut. I am a firm believer that some of us have to go back out to really know what a blessing this program is. I never thought it would happen to me, and I can remember thinking how dumb those who went out again were. Pride goth before the fall. I try to be an example today of what to do right. And yes, I can fall still today. This is a "One Day At A Time" way of life. Thanks for the topic.
Member: jim c
Location: north carolina
Date: 1/27/2003
Time: 12:20:33 AM
jim aa north carolina well, i make my first 2 weeks in aa tomorrow and i have many questions in my mind. I admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic but i have lingering doubts. have drank responsibly for many years and sought help from aa after 3 blackouts in a month. Basically, not sure that just reapplying limits wouldnt solve my problems. Keep telling myself to give program a fair chance. certainly wont rot if i dont drink. thanks for letting me share
Member: Robert T.
Location: Beaverton, Oregon
Date: 1/27/2003
Time: 7:16:18 AM
Robert, alcoholic Glad to be sober another day. Did the relapse thing for a few years. i know what its like to come back. It hurts real bad. I believe service is the key to staying in the middle of the program. When all else fails, help others it says in the book. Some don't make it back. It would be a horrible life to be dead spiritually, emotionally and physically. Alot of us won't die we would just live miserably out our days. It's much easier to stay sober. Thanks.
Member: Robert H
Location: Columbus, OH
Date: 1/27/2003
Time: 8:33:43 AM
Robert, and an alcoholic. That's a puzzling question, although I will say that temptation comes in all forms and our disease not only affects our bodies, but also affects our minds. I know that personally, I am afraid of relapse and hope that I can stay sober. All I can say is, one day at a time. www.alcoholrecovery.net
Member: AnilG
Location: MtVernon,IL
Date: 1/27/2003
Time: 9:38:23 AM
I am an alcoholic "relapse"a great topic though I not experianced it I have been sober for alomost 5yrs but urges have occured for me to break this but so far with these meetings daily help of my sponsor and friends in aa I have been able to remain sober. what has helped me most is ongoing daily meetings in aa online meeting attending the church everysunday keeping my spirituality and talking to my sponsor psychologist and my case worker have all helped me . thanks to aa and al anon.
Member: joe
Location:
Date: 1/27/2003
Time: 9:43:13 AM
topics like this inspire my 24 hour program of repitition. my Elder of 25 years went back out two years ago. stunned and crushed as he told his story, i asked him how it happened. he said, "we are all one drink away from a drunk." every time i hear these experiences, i resign from the debating society and do a reality check ... "what am i doing to invest in my recovery today?" miigwetch for telling my story, kat. stay sober and stay cyber.
Member: Cec H
Location: Cowtown
Date: 1/27/2003
Time: 10:25:40 AM
Because for what ever reason they give. They chose to pick up that first drink.
Member: Richard B
Location:
Date: 1/27/2003
Time: 10:46:59 AM
Hello I'm Richard an Alcoholic, when i hear or see someone go back out i think for the grace of god the goes i, they tell me in AA that AA will refund my misery at any time !!! usually when i start thinking about a drink is when OLD RICHARD show back up, i keep in touch with aa people every day and i use that 5000 lb phone and call someone thank god i'm teachable today in my prays i ask god not to let me get drunk today maybe tomorrow and that works for this old drunk
Member: Craig L (Dogmanor@yahoo.com)
Location: Aloha, Oregon
Date: 1/27/2003
Time: 12:09:25 PM
I'm a real alcoholic (Page 21). Thanks for the reminder that I am not cured. Last summer my doctor prescribed Vicadon for me. It was OK to take it because it was prescribed, LOL. The bottle said "take as needed". Those words gave this alcoholic free liscense. I soon found myself contriving lies about my pain, in order to get more. I realized I was powerless and where I was heading. I called my sponsor with the truth about what I was thinking. That action alone, got me a reprieve. Today, I was thinking relapse is not as important as the return to recovery. My concern about the opinions of others is only another aspect of my disease trying to keep me upset and in chaos. Regardless of the clucking I imagine I may hear in some meetings, I know God loves me unconditionally and that Joy is always freely available to me when I turn to God rather than my own perverse ego.
Member: Cee S
Location:
Date: 1/27/2003
Time: 2:29:45 PM
<<<What about sex? If a person continues to hurt others in order to satisfy their need for sex, we are warned that we will most likely get drunk ofer that as well.>>> Not to sound like a prude, but I think it has no place at all in AA meetings. The minute people's libidos are let loose in a meeting, that's when I think the true purpose and serenity of the meeting and the group becomes very disrupted. An extremely charismatic and flirtatious fellow joined my home group back in the early 90's. Many women seemed to be strongly attracted to him, including myself. This just started a whole Peyton Place/Days Of Our Lives kind of atmosphere in the group that should not have been there. If you do have a relationship in AA, I think you really have to be more-or-less private about it. Besides that, a few years later, I guess I let my instincts have the last word, and got involved with a guy who turned out to be bad for me. The nesting instinct is a very powerful thing in a woman. Anyway, he didn't like AA, and I succumbed to his attitudes. Except, for some reason, I didn't drink. With regard to relapsing, I don't drink, nor do I have the desire to. However, it doesn't mean I know how to deal with life. Instead of getting drunk I: a)have anxiety attacks b)smoke cigarettes c)become physically ill from stress (and being too sick and tired to do anything is always a good escape) d)isolate, our favorite I've been doing the above for almost 13 years now.
Member: Cee S
Location:
Date: 1/27/2003
Time: 2:33:18 PM
Correction: I was healthier from 1990 to 1995, when I was still going to meetings, and before my relationship started to become damaging. So make that 8 years of anxiety attacks.
Member: Susan A.
Location: Vernon, Connecticut
Date: 1/27/2003
Time: 2:58:26 PM
Hi all, I'm Susan, and I'm an Alcoholic. Thanks for a great topic, Mike, and Thanks Andrew, for that web link. I liked 'The Alcoholic simply didn't follow directions'. (Keeping it simple really appeals to me) --- There's been a couple times in sobriety that I've gotten on a REALLY dry drunk - away from sprituality, a sponsor, really talking at meetings, etc. It starts when I'm hurt/afraid/angry/whatever, and decide NOT to talk about it to God/meeting/sponsor. Pretty soon, I get self-sufficient, intollerant, rigid, isolated, into the "poor-me's" (as in poor me, poor me, pour me another drink). I think this is easier for me than working on my sobriety, which is a lie my head tells me. I believe God loves me enough to NOT take away my free will, so sometimes I get to hurting pretty bad. So far, I've bent my knees before I've had to bend my elbow, so I didn't have to drink. This is about progress, not perfection, and my God/sponsor/group loves me even when I am messed up. My first sponsor told me it's easy, you only have to do two things! 1-Don't drink. 2-Do everything it takes to not drink. I like that. I know that the booze filled that black hole in me. I need to fill that hole with AA so I don't HAVE to drink again. Then I need to pass it on. Thank you so much for all the reminders I've heard today. Keep coming back until you want to.
Member: Joy S.
Location: Chas SC
Date: 1/27/2003
Time: 3:33:51 PM
Big Book pg30 More About Alcoholism-"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to feel that he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterised by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." That pretty much sums it up for me. I came to AA after a DUI in 1991, didn't stay but a few months, and then I played that game with myself for ten years before I came home to AA 2 years ago. Alot of people said how did you just come in and not drink? Bullshit, I relapsed for ten years, then had little to do with my recovery, just did what people told me to do and let HP take over. I have to remember I am facing an enemy that is cunning, baffling, powerful and it knows where I have been, what pushes my buttons and what I long for. We all are. If I am honest with myself, I know that the people I am NOT different from are in the rooms. I am afraid of relapse sometimes. It does seem like it's the same old story, nothing really happened,I just thought I could handle one,BLAH,BLAH BLAH... It seemes like disconnection is the way to relapse. Jim C. in NC- I had blackout drinking to and tried to play it off, do not want to reveal here the horrible things that happened to me to wake me up. If you have a Big Book please read it, and if you don't please get one. It really helps and perhaps it wasn't happiness with the way your drinking is going that led you to this site. Be good for and to yourself. Great topic, something I need to have in my mind. God bless.
Member: Denise S
Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 1:09:06 AM
Great topic!!!!!! Hi am Denise and i am agrateful alcoholic. I had a drink after almost 4 years and had a moment of divine intervention where i show everything in my life going out the door with that drink. I have been back for 14 years and it has not been easy ... giving control to God is hard to start with and gets easier but still struggle from time to time with that issue. I realize that I am not incontrol of the universe and that I dont have the right to drive. As long as I keep talking I can stay sane and vigilant. I have two loved ones in my love that are both very ill and I have problems dealing with these issues but I am seeking outside help and diligently seeking God AA meetings, people, the telephone and my sponsor. If I drink so many people lose especially the ones that I love (today that includes me!!) It is not the easier softer way as we seem to believe from time to time I have listened to too many people coming back and have paid close attention to their stories and realize that it totally sucks -- a bad sober day can be changed but a drunk day is lost. I like to isolate when I am hurting and live in a fairly remote area so it can be easy to do that but I am very aware of the trap and try to reach out daily sometimes hourly. These online meetings have been the answeer to many of my prayers - have had trouble sleepign and such and need some positive affirmation these meetings open 24 and 7 have been the answer. Thank you all for posting and being there. Have great 24!!!!!!!!!!
Member: Jack B
Location: Palo Alto, Pa
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 2:15:45 AM
Hi, I am Jack, a real alcoholic. For me to pick up a drink today is DELIBERATELY FORGETTING THAT I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. I am a firm believer in what the old timers told me when I first came into A A. They told me find a power greater than myself, and I wouldn't have to pick up a drink for the rest of my life, ONE DAY AT A TIME if I didn't want to. I am a firm believer that noone ever again has to pick up a drink for the rest of their lives one day at a time IF THEY DON'T WANT TO. Thru God's amazing Grace, A A and our 12 step program, I have enjoyed continous sobriety for 15 + years and for that I am truly grateful.
Member: Toby B.
Location: Loveland, Co.
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 5:08:54 AM
Hi, I am Toby, a real alcoholic. It's simple why people go back out... they "choose" to. They chose to relapse. If you don't like where you are standing, then move. We can justify it with any of a million excuses, but when it comes right down to it, the person who goes back out wont know why they did it... other than a bad choice. Sobriety for me is a journey not a destination, and I think it is those who make it the destination are the ones who will end up going back out. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Pat H.
Location: Labrador Straits, Labrador, Canada
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 7:33:19 AM
Pat H. alcoholic. It's been a while since I have posted in Staying Cyber. I have decided to post at least once in a while. As of Dec 30 / 02 & have made it to 6 months continous. The real miricle is that I feel much better. Not perfect but better. I am now at the amends section of the program. I made an amend at Christmas that literally blew me away". It was indeed touching & showed me just how important amends are not only to the alcoholic but to the other person as well. This divinely inspired program is as far as I am concerned, sponsored by God ordained. God bless you all & thank you all for everything. Most of all, thank God...
Member: Bill P.
Location: Michigan
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 8:35:23 AM
((Pat H))- Good to see you here again. I've been reading your posts since you got here, and I will have 9 months sobriety on 2/11. Yea, the holidays were something else sober, eh? I've also made some small amends and they are just another part of the whole recovery process. I actually have not finished my fourth step yet, but am working on it. Thanks for checking in and my God continue to grant you peace, serenity, and recovery. Bill
Member: ro
Location: MA
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 10:15:57 AM
Hello, My name is Roanne and I'm an alcoholic. I think I read that resentment is one of the causes for people to go out. This worries me because I have felt a great deal of resentment lately (ie. I hate being an alcoholic-Pour Me...). I know from past experience,being two years sober and relapsing, that this is the beginning of backing off on a program. In turn, backing off on a program is, for me, not paying attention to my spirit. This allows me to become a "dry drunk" and once I'm there Its easy to become a not dry drunk. I don't want to be out, drunk and miserable again. Many old-timers seem to have motivation that comes from peace. I can see thier serenity. I look forward to the day when my motivation does not come from fear. thanks
Member: davez
Location: berkleymi
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 3:04:41 PM
When I try to describe to people my addiction and my reluctance to be around people, places, or parties that are alcohol driven, I usually tell them that some of my very best memories involved alcohol, while many more of my terrible memories involve alcohol too. To remember the fun and forget the pain is more than human nature, it is a coping skill in life. Unfortunately not in addiction. This is why contact between alcoholics is so important. There is nothing worse as to forget the way it really was or to think how this time will be so different. From my personal experience, it never was any different. ><
Member: lou
Location: iowa
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 3:05:32 PM
my name is lou and i'm an alcoholic. roanne, your last sentence really got my attention. i know that a great deal of my motivation for sobriety comes from fear too. there is a day a little over a year ago that i never want to experience again. that has helped me stay sober. i guess for now that is good enough and i am grateful. i would like to be freed from my fears and experience greater peace and serenity. seems like resentments follows the fears for me. i heard in a meeting last friday night that fear is the opposite of faith and that spoke to my heart. i must have faith in my God, and in AA. and to do that i have to let go, trust that "God will do for me what i can not do for myself". thanks to all for sharing. great topic. peace to us all.
Member: Kim D.
Location: Bridgewater
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 3:31:32 PM
((Mike)) I can't begin to know why someone does or doesn't do something... that's between them and their higher power. But, I have had experience in the relapse department and can tell you MY story. I relapsed after 19 months of sobriety because I forgot the pain and really never fixed the INNER me. Sure, the outside cleaned up well. I looked better - I had a decent job - I talked a good talk. But inside I was the same person I was when I was drinking: controlling, fearful, lying, resentful, anxious, etc., etc. I was not being totally honest with my sponsor and I had not begun the Steps. Bottom line Mike - I had a reservation. I had a reservation that this program really wasn't for me and I kept that reservation handy - through the NON use of the program/fellowship and sponsorship - unti the time came when I really wanted to drink. It did - I did - and after a 4 month relapse into hell - I don't ever want to forget the pain.
Member: Leland
Location: Santa Barbara
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 5:20:33 PM
Leland, alcoholic. Strong topic & love the Silkworth link- great stuff. At 45 days, a friend told me to stick around and watch them drop like flies. It made me so mad to hear that because I really hoped we all get this AA thing for the rest of our lives. The truth is some stay, some go out, some go out and come back and some go out and die. Wish there was one answer like not going to enough meetings, or a more thorough 5th step, or unrooting the underlining disorder, or something intelligent; but in my opinion there isn't. We have a disease: treatable however relapse is possible. If I'm closer to the program (in other words, it is my 1st priority not work or someone else, etc) then I am farther from drinking. I've seen friends with 17 years go out, 1 week from 10 years go out. I've seen someone after 7 years go out and die the same day as a result. I'm pained by those folks, but it strikes a fear in me. I believe it is a healthy fear; one that keeps me closer to you all.
Member: Melanie
Location: Ohio USA
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 5:21:35 PM
Hello All, I'm Melanie and an alcoholic. I have not experienced relapse. I think that is due to some simple ideas. 1. Surrender: I am convinced that I will never be able to drink like normal people. I remind myself of this when I feel the urge to drink. I try to remember the Hell that I left behind. 2. Psychic Change: Through working the steps, I have retrained my brain and become a new person. I try to practice the principles in order to avoid resentment, fear, self-centeredness and guilt. I have learned to live with myself by trying to prevent the behavior that I can't live with- the behavior that feeds into and arises from my drinking. 3. Faith: I have learned to live with what life brings by striving for contact with a Higher Power. I pray and remind myself that God is with me. Whatever is happening is OK. God knows what is good for me. I never handled any situation better by drinking over it and I've never made any situation worse with prayer. I think about alcoholism, talk about it, write it...never forget it. This blessed life I have now is worth hanging onto. That takes vigilance and 12 little steps. Thank you for helping me remember today.
Member: Pam W.D.
Location: So. California
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 7:23:06 PM
Excellant topic. Why do some go out and others don't? I really don't know. I have done nearly all of the "slippery" things that people have talked about through the years, yet have never had to take another drink (or drug). Sometimes, I think that is because I am "special" -- God's grace is surrounding me more than someone else, who isn't as "spiritual"... or some other such nonsense... The truth is, the rain falls on all of us the same: NO one is more or less worthy of grace. (and you should know.. I'm not one of the "religious" believers). What I DO know is that when everything else fails, I turn to turning my life over again -- looking for the next right action... and then the next one... in good times, in bad times, that is what works for me... Sober in spite of myself for 18 years....
Member: Cee S
Location:
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 8:43:51 PM
Hi. Cee, alcoholic. I think a problem I have is that since I no longer seem to have a desire to drink, and haven't had the desire in many years, despite very stressful situations, I tell myself I'm having problems identifying with the focus on alcohol and not picking up that AA has. In other words, am I really an alcoholic, since I have no desire to drink---ands there's been plenty of opportunity? I wonder whether everyone's alcoholism is the same, or whether there are different degrees. I know I wouldn't want to test that to find out. I went through too much hell because of alcohol. But it seems no big deal now not to drink. I feel, well who cares. I don't miss it. I remember reading a book about recovery that said that at some point you have to move forward to more self-actualization, and that he didn't believe AA put enough emphasis on that for "old timers". I have met some good people in AA, but I wonder how healthy it is for some to kind of "hide out" in the rooms. There are some who HAVE to do this apparently, or they will pick up. But even AA can be used in an unhealthy way by some I think. Isn't it healthier to have a life in the "real world" too? I met people who achieved great transformations in AA, turning their lives around. Not just their sobriety, but every aspect of their lives (education, career, etc.). Then there were some who seemed against this, any kind of ambition in the world, other than sobriety in AA. Well, as a person once said at a meeting, "there are all kinds in AA amd sometimes you won't get along with them. But it's not about the people, it's about the program". I guess that's partly true at least, but no man is an island.
Member: Bill W
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
Date: 1/28/2003
Time: 9:50:41 PM
Hi friend, I'm Bill, alcoholic. This is an excellent topic and is helping me while I am acting as a temporary sponsor to a young fellow who after 9 months went out and drank. The funny thing is we had met that night at a service station where he was just leaving, to go party, and I was on my way to work. He mentioned that he wished he had stopped to talk but was in a hurry. Booze is so patient! It will wait years and then pounce when least expected. I am going to put this fellow onto this site and then we can discuss things together. To all who have come back WELCOME BACK!
Member: Joe M.
Location: Arizona
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 12:41:54 AM
Hi, I'm Joe and I'm an alcoholic. I originally had 8 and a half years, went out and in through countless relapses in five years. Finally I sobered up again and now have another ten years. But I still have been seriously considering drinking again lately because alot of it has been more of a dry drunk than anything approaching serenity. In the last three years I have gone through four major crises. The magnitude of which I think most people don't suffer more than one in a whole lifetime.(Let alone recovering alcoholics) Miraculously I haven't picked up a drink throughout it all. It's not so much because I'm content with life, but because I know from having experimented with those dreadful five years of hell, my life could and would be even more miserable than it is now. I differ with alot of things I hear at meetings and one of them is something I read in a couple of the preceeeding messages. I do believe there is such a thing as a slip. In fact I recall some story in the Big Book of somebody who just out of nowhere found themselves picking up a drink. I don't like generalizations and I resent people who make them especially in a "fellowship" that claims to be non-judgemental of others. (Yes I know that resentment is the number one killer - I've heard it all). Most of the times I relapsed it was pre meditated, sometimes more planned than others. Yet I recall one particular relapse when I had no intentions of drinking and that evening wound up with a co-worker at a bar and before I knew it, had a slip. If there's really no such a thing as a slip why do we caution others, especially new comers to avoid bars, parties and old drinking buddies? Obviously because even though they might not be planning a relapse, they might suddenly, bafflingly find themselves irresistably facing a drink put in front of them. So don't try to tell me my story. Thankyou,
Member: Marvin B.
Location: KY
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 2:15:04 AM
My name is Marvin, and I'm an alcoholic. This topic and your responses have certainly given me a lot to think about. There must be as many different reasons that people choose to drink again as there are individuals. That's a lot of problem situations to defend against. The book says when I stop living in the problem and begin living in the answer, the problem goes away. To me, that says try offense rather than defense. And as good an offense as I can think of is: I am not cured of alcoholism. What I have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. I just keep trying to make spiritual progress that the program offers us all. Thanks,and have a good day.
Member: Gary N.
Location: Waterbury CT
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 7:37:34 AM
HI, I'm Gary I'm an Alcoholic and an a addict, I'm grateful to be here for the first time. I'm just celebrating my 4th year in the rooms. I just helped my sister comeback after relapsing. We have another disease in the family called depression, for myself I found It easer to self liquidate myself so the pain and reality where washed away. Or I thought it was, will that's what happen I believe with my sister, she stopped going to meeting and I see now that she changed very little. No higher power to help her, she said on third shift and slept the day away and hardly saw her and fiends and family over the past six years. And most of all she stop what the doctor recommended. And did what her will felt. It almost took my heart away, yet with the help of my higher power and his will I'm and alot of help of freinds to call and talk with, on a new beginning of understanding the hand of A.A. Gratefully. MY prayers are with all that are in and out of the rooms.
Member: MALVIN T
Location: ORLANDO FL
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 9:55:28 AM
Hi everybody. I hope you guys are doing the right thing. i am about to finish my counseling but tha doesnt mean that i am going to keep doing my meetings on line. life is so wonderfull when I am sober that just by mentioning the word ALCOHOL MAKE ME SICK.
Member: Don B
Location: N H
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 11:35:06 AM
HI Don B Alchoholic; Lucky to be sober for 20 years;I am not a selfish person but I am selfish about my program. GOD has made ALL thePROMISSES come through for me. I had a bad period in my sobriety a major resentment; i did not drink but had a major breakdown. I had stopped meetings. Then one day all hell broke loose; I was being fired from 25 yeab job. Before the day was over I was placed in a ward for the insane.Upon getting out being unemployable I lost everything House 5 acres new car everything. I kept calling my sponsor, he always had t he same answer. LET GO LET GOD Then all the 12 promisses came throug for me.Instead of being fired they retired me I'm onn SS I spent the last couple of years seeing the US and Canada.I attend over 10 meetings a week. And try to help an alchoholiic every day.Don B
Member: Bob S.
Location: Salt Lake City
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 12:03:06 PM
Hi all, I'm Bob and an alcoholic. First, I can't talk from my experience on this topic. I can talk from seeing it many times on others, and listening to what they said afterward, and I can talk from my experience on how I got where I am now. I believe relapse, at any point in the recovery process, proves this is a chronic disease without cure, and it will find ways to tell me that I don't have it. Rigorous to the point of brutal self-honesty is a requirement. That one aspect is the most common "missing-piece" I hear people talk about after "coming back". I tell my problems and troubles to my sponsor (not the group) and I share my experience, strength and hope (the solution) with the group. The apparent effective treatment of alcoholism is constant attention to recovery from the disease. I'm either feeding the disease or my recovery depending on what I'm doing. For me, staying with other alcoholics in various stages of recovery and relapse gives me some sense of where I am myself. Being around people in general gives me some measure of how I am doing by the quality, or sickness, of those relationships. Being spiritually fit, or not, tells me alot about how close I am to that next drink or dry drunk. When I take "holidays" from my recovery I start getting into trouble, so I do my best to "practice these principles in all our affairs". If I can give that away it means I have it. So far, so good. Thanks for letting me share what works for me and for sharing what works for you.
Member: Maggie B.
Location: IL
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 12:15:26 PM
Hi,Maggie here, alcoholic. I don,t believe this program has any room for worrying about what others are doing or not doing. We ALL try to follow the A.A. program to the best of our ability, some succeeding, some not. Only they know. Your right Cee- we don't always like every one we meet on our journey but when we stand in judgement of others and their program we have lost ourselves. Thanks everyone, God bless, Maggie
Member: barb a
Location: illinois
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 12:20:37 PM
Hi, family I'm Barb very grateful and fortunate to be a member of alcoholics anonymous. This is my first time on with you. I also love the topic. I know that when I think of using of actually have thought I was cured I drank or used because I am an alcoholic and an addict, also because there was a hole in my program. My pride or ego or thinking I had it whipped or as Joe M mentioned anger or resentment is my # 1 offender. Acceptance is always what I need to come back to. Everything wrong in my world can't be other peoples faults. I know that to stay grounded for me, my acceptance and powerlessness and my thinking problem I have to work on on a daily basis. Kathleen, I know what chronic pain is also. I have osteo, fibro and an autoimmune disease with the rhumatoid factor. I'll put you and everyone else in my prayers. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: LYNDA B
Location: DEVON UK
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 12:43:50 PM
Hello again..thanks for your shares,I came around this wonderful fellowship 19yrs ago,i was to struggle on it and off it for many years,i'd do 10 mths then 1yr,the most i ever did was 3-1/2 yrs.My best times were when i got myself a sponsor and worked through the steps..I BLOSSOMED..got strong enough to get back to work slowly slowly my meetings dropped, work took priority ,family trauma WHAM..no defence,wasnt long before i picked up after 9ish yrs of trying..I gave in..went on a rollercoaster of booze and drugs i reached many rock bottoms,a head full of aa and belly full of booze don't go!! I found myself talking the talk ,BUT not walking the walk..Thank god the door swings both ways..I got back to the rooms..16mths no booze,just did my 1st yr with help from NA absalutely free from all drugs..I'm also in my 10mth no fags..i've been a smoker for 37yrs..i'm so grateful to you guys and this program..one day at a time ..IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT..
Member: Kathy
Location: Clearlake CA
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 1:46:23 PM
Frustration, fear, more fear, wanting to not have to think again. Wanting to stop the hurting, stop thinking about your support and family. Start to justify that no one else has to be involved in your own destruction. Thinking you have control and no one else can tell you not to drink. Fear, did I mentioned fear. Yes, after 20 years of sobriety, I was in the wine section of my grocery store. They didn't have the wine I use to drink so I went home and called the AA number and got a meeting for the next day. I was welcomed with open arms, able to share what I had been feeling, given phone numbers to call and I made it through that day. One day at a time. I don't know what will have tomorrow, but today I am sober and not fearing life. Thanks.
Member: Cee S
Location:
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 4:19:05 PM
<<<<Your right Cee- we don't always like every one we meet on our journey but when we stand in judgement of others and their program we have lost ourselves.>>>> (Hi. Cee, alcoholic.) I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stand in judgement of anyone. It's just about trying to understand what to take and what to leave. When I was in my home group, I was involved completely. Whatever there was to do in AA, I did it. And yet if I rarely wavered for a couple of days, and did something else (this after a few years sober), I was literally accused quite aggressively by some members of having gone out again. I'm not judging their program. I believe in "live and let live" very much. It's just that I feel clueless half the time about human behavior, and I'm always trying to understand it. Since some in my group did pressure me to have that kind of "AA only" lifestyle, I have to ask myself, what is right (at least for me) and what is wrong.
Member: Kelly P
Location: NY
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 4:26:11 PM
Hi My name is Kelly and I am an alcoholic. Mike this is a great topic. I made my first AA meeting in November of 93. I would love to say that I have been sober ever since but I have not. I was sober 2 and a half years and relapsed. I eventually put 3 and a half years together and relapsed again. I now have 2 and a half years again and I can tell you that this time is so different. I relapsed because I didn't take the suggestions. I stopped making meetings and went back to handling everything on my own. Today I realize that what I can't do alone, we can do together. Good Luck All
Member: Kelly P
Location: NY
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 4:26:24 PM
Hi My name is Kelly and I am an alcoholic. Mike this is a great topic. I made my first AA meeting in November of 93. I would love to say that I have been sober ever since but I have not. I was sober 2 and a half years and relapsed. I eventually put 3 and a half years together and relapsed again. I now have 2 and a half years again and I can tell you that this time is so different. I relapsed because I didn't take the suggestions. I stopped making meetings and went back to handling everything on my own. Today I realize that what I can't do alone, we can do together. Good Luck All
Member: Joe C
Location: Southold, NY
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 7:05:32 PM
Member: Joe C.
Location: Southold, N.Y.
Date: 1/29/2003
Time: 7:13:40 PM
Hi, My name is Joe and I am an acoholic. I got sober in 1981, and for me it was the greatest gift. No more hangovers, I started to feel almost normal. I realized that I needed to make meetings and that's all I did. No sponsor, no steps. I continued to make meetings for approx 7 years. About this time I stopped going to meetins, and for the next 8 years still stayed w/o a drink. I was miserable, and so was everyone around me. I was deathly afraid of taking a drink. On vacation in 1998, I decided to take a sip of my wife's drink. About one week later I was back to where I stopped. It took me 2 years to get sober again. I knew where to go but I wanted to drink more. Now I'm happy again not drinking. I make as many meetings as I can; I just asked someone to be my sponsor, and hopefully I'll never forget that last drink. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Tami H.
Location: Washington State
Date: 1/30/2003
Time: 3:09:06 AM
Hi Tami from Washington state USA here! I really feel gratful today. Been to a few excellent meetings here in my home town, and this gift we have recieved just keeps revealing more and more wonderful miricles ~ daily. I have not been sober that long just a few short months but do know that without the help of AA and all of Bill W's friends I would not be able to truly live. It got to where I became obsessed, as we all do, with liquer. I couldn't see living without it, *I recognize that now, I didn't think I thought that way though. I would have told you that I could stop whenever I wanted, or that I wan't truly addicted to it because I haven't lost everything. Well, thank goodness I decided to get off before I hit what some call a "low bottom" I may get to keep my family and true friends and all of life's gifts... I am overcome...
Member: Rhonda N.
Location: Dallas, TX
Date: 1/30/2003
Time: 12:33:27 PM
Hi, my name is Rhonda and I'm a grateful alcoholic. Because of God's grace and the fellowship of this program I haven't found it necessary to take a drink since September 23, 2001. On September 24, I went to AA willingly for the first time. I had been sent as a teenager, and then again in the military, but only went to avert trouble. I honestly could not be one of those weaklings depending on a non-existent entity for happiness or sobriety. I saw no need for sobriety, really. In my early twenties I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and began to take lithium. For three years I put down the bottle, becoming the worst kind of dry drunk. Though I never stopped taking my meds, I did start drinking again, and my drinking escalated to behemoth proportions by the time I reaced 33. That's when I went crawling to AA and surrendered. It hasn't been easy, but I can honestly say that I have not wanted to drink since that day. Sure, it goes through my mind. There are plenty of times I could get away with it, with odd days off and excellent skills of deception, but it's just not worth it. My life today is INFINITELY better than my best day drinking, and I would be a fool to risk that. That's just for today, though, as tomorrow may bring me to my knees in front of the liquor store. I can only pray for the strength not to go in. Peace and happiness, Rhonda.
Member: J-Rae
Location: N.D.
Date: 1/30/2003
Time: 1:19:46 PM
J-Rae, alcoholic... I don't have the experience of going back out. I have, however, listened to those who have, and they had numerous 'reasons'. 'slips' are mentioned in the Big Book, and the 12x12. One of our co-founders had one...so they must be real. There but for the Grace of God go I... One day at a time, I just don't drink today. I know I never want to go through getting sober again. Someone said, you only have to do this once. Living life on life's terms is a daily, constant choice. Alcoholism is just a symptom of a disease much worse... I only have a daily reprieve...I need to remember I have alcoholISM, not WASM. Fear kept me sober when I first came to AA, Fear of the progression of this disease... cunning, baffling, and powerful, it is. I learned that THAT fear is a good fear. Like, the fear you will get burned if you stay in a house that is on fire.
Member: ANGELINE P
Location: PASADENA
Date: 1/30/2003
Time: 1:47:49 PM
Member: Stuart M
Location: Devon England
Date: 1/30/2003
Time: 2:25:59 PM
I can remember,as a Newcomer being asked a question which I still can't answer,the question was. Can you think of ANY situation which will be improved by having a drink. (Apart from getting drunk). I have been in a few difficult situations over the past few years and it occurs to me that they would be a whole world worse if I was to pick up a drink. I think that just for today I would rather be discussing the solution to my problem than the consequences of not working it but thanks for the topic anyway
Member: Bob P.
Location: midwest
Date: 1/30/2003
Time: 6:35:12 PM
Bob here, grateful recovering drunken sot, DOS 5/12/99. For me, the best way I can explain it is that this alcoholic has a chronic tendency to dissatisfaction, being easily annoyed and having an ability to see the crappy side of everything. If I don't go to meetings, I get more dissatisfied, more annoyed and only see the crappy side of everything. I had 6.5 years as a dry drunk and went out because I didn't want to move to New Jersey. But it could have been anything. The guy at the store could have looked at me wrong or it might have rained or it might not have rained. Doesn't matter, when I am in my alcoholic thinking, any reason is good enough. Which is why I have to constantly strive to *not* be in my alcoholic thinking. I do this by going to meetings and spending time with other alcoholics. But a slip is as close as being able to put three or bad thoughts in a row together. And they come easy.. That's the way it is for this alcoholic....
Member: Barbara H
Location: Scotland (Dundee)
Date: 1/30/2003
Time: 8:04:08 PM
Hi I am Barbara, alcoholic!!! I haven't visited this site for a while as I have been drinking!!!I shared here last year that I had 11 years sobriety and went out and drank again (that was June last year) and haven't got more than a few days (10) sober since...this topic is just for me and I have had some great help from this site in the past. My experience is that because I drank again and "lost" my 11 yrs. so what if I drank again after a few days!!!crazy I know. I am finding it very difficult to get back on track..they told me that the first time was a gift but if you went out again it was much harder to get back - I know now what they mean - and Joe who's "elder"went out after 25 yrs may God bless him I pray that he is O.K. I know that there is hope as I've heard so many positive shares...I am just struggling so much just now. I have an appointment with my Doc tomorrow - I think he will give me antibuse - I was so "proud" I didn't think I would ever need that but I know I HAVE to stop as my health (and life) are at stake here. Thanks for everyone on this site who have given me encouragement in the past, please pray for me now. Keep sober all of you and DON'T pick up that first drink - this is one time when I can say "Don't do as I do - do as I say" God Bless all...
Member: Shauna W
Location: Murchison, West Australia
Date: 1/31/2003
Time: 2:09:19 AM
Hi, I'm Shauna and I'm an alcoholic. Barbara, I'm glad you were able to get back. I have seen many people leave this fellowship and not return due to a fatal illness called death. I got down about as low as I could go physically, so in the early days, the fear of getting a wet brain and craving for a drink in a mental asylum for the rest of my days scared me more than death. I was asked at my 6th. meeting if I had 5mins. to live and had either the option to have a drink or shoot myself what would I do? I chose then to drink! Today I would not hesitate to shoot myself if the only other option was to die not sober! What has worked for me over the last 12 years, a day at a time IS rigorous honesty, not always easy by any means, especially if I am in the wrong! I try each day to accept whatever God passes me down the chute, if I don't like it to ask, what am I being shown here and if I do like it to ask the same. I also try to have a positive attitude, one of gratitude, which was one of the hardest defects I have had to let go of as my life used to be comfortable in negativity. I am extremely gratefull that God has not wanted me to re-lapse or that I have been so much in my will to have picked up a drink so far. I do know that if I turn my will and my life over to God on a daily basis, I need never drink again and that is simply all I do every day. The rest of my life is a bonus, good and bad. Today I feel everything I go through whether I like it or not, and do not have the need to drink. Sometimes I would just love my problems to go away but then I only have to pray and they eventually do anyway, in God's time, not mine! I am at present 500km from my nearest face to face meeting and am very gratefull to have you fellow members on-line to remind me what a wonderful life this is if I keep right size. Thanks for allowing me to share, Love, from 42C heat!! Shauna
Member: Jan
Location:
Date: 1/31/2003
Time: 2:34:32 AM
Hi, Jan, alcoholic. I am coming back after a lengthy relapse, and in some ways it is harder to stay sober this time around. When I first got sober, I had been a daily drinker, in really bad shape and really scared, so I was highly motivated. I was sober about 4 years when I stopped going to meetings, then a major life crisis through which I stayed sober, but then eight months or so later I just decided I would like to try it again. I was under no illusion that I would be able to drink normally, but I thought I could drink once or twice and then go back to not drinking. The problem was, I didn't go back to not drinking. Fortunately, I didn't return to daily drinking either, but I did drink regularly for almost 2 years. Now I am focussing on remembering what it was like when I was a daily drinker because I know I was very lucky that I didn't get back to that. (Andrew) for the Silkworth site--it says it all. I don't relate to the idea that my disease was talking to me or waiting for me. I strongly relate to the idea that I am a human being and most human beings do not make uniformly perfect decisions regarding their lives in general and health in particular. I believe that alcoholism, like diabetes, is a disease in which my body reacts differently to certain chemicals than do the bodies of normal people. I have been reminded of the damage that alcohol can do to my body and mind, and am making a conscious decision to return to sobriety in my own self-interest.
Member: Adelea I.
Location: Dresden , Germany
Date: 1/31/2003
Time: 3:18:14 AM
adelea, alcoholic. wow, once again a great topic. I too have not had to relapse in this program (thank God), but several years ago, at 5 years sober, I had the WORST dry drunk ever in my sobriety. It was more of a turning point for me than getting sober. At this time I was spending time in bars with friends, I had foudn "him" and he had dumped me, I had moved to a new city and wasn't connecting with my local group, was not being honest about any of this is myhome group or sponsor, (when I did drive 45mins. to see them,) oh..and spending time with newcomers was for "other" people. At this point I celebrated 5 years adn left my birthdya meeting THIRSTY! I did nto drink thought. I had another "moment of calrity" adn got honest with my sponsor. since then, I have realized some truths for myself, that have worked so far (they may not tomorrow though..): If everyday I get up adn pray that God keep me sober that day , then I go out into this vast adn crazy world adn try to be of service to everyone (not just AAs) I come into contact with , adn at night I thank him for every opportunity he put before me, then I may have a fighting chance at staying sober. (Cee S.) I always have to be mindful too, that God did nto get me sober to have life be drab. I hid out in AA for several years, I was scared of the world. and I thought that "they" judged me. now, I know that b/c I am sober I can have any dream any desire I want, and god will be with me and make everything ok, if it is his will for me to accomplish it. since I have been sober, I have gotton my degree, lived in Africa adn Italy, married a wonderful man (a normie) adn have moved half way across the world. I still everyweek attned meetings adn am invloved in teh fellowhsip. AA is the spring board from which I can jump off of to fly. I hope your lives are as blessed as mine.
Member: Gary N.
Location: Waterbury CT USA
Date: 1/31/2003
Time: 8:20:07 AM
Gary alcoholic, And thanks for sharing I needed that, My morning starting off rocky. I'm stepping away form my desk at work and when I come back I hope to start the morning over. I have felt poor since yesterday and didn't get time to rebalance yet. GuYs and Gals thankssss for being their........
Member: Stacey M
Location: Pa
Date: 1/31/2003
Time: 6:14:53 PM
Hi all, its the first time Ive been online so here goes, this is the second time Ive seriuosly tried to get clean and sober, its 31 days today,The deciding factor this time is the fact that my 3 and 5 yr old girls are old enough to see and feel the consequences of my drunk episodes. hangovers,moodswings...I cant get away with it anymore and I dont want them to be afraid of what mood I may be in or How ugly of a drunk I am. I cant lay that on them.,my antideppresant has kicked back in and im on naltrexone too, I feel pretty damn good. wish me luck, long road ahead I know, talk to ya soon
Member: Barbara
Location: Dundee, Scotland
Date: 1/31/2003
Time: 9:06:41 PM
Hi, Barbara alcoholic - sorry to share again, but wanted to thank you Shauna for your share, also Jan - I really identfied with your share and it has given me great hope. God bless and thanks again as I feel that I am not "alone" in this and that helps a lot....
Member: John O'L
Location: DFW, Texas
Date: 1/31/2003
Time: 9:35:46 PM
This is John O'L, an alcoholic. I first came through the doors of AA late in the 1970's. My last drink was in May of 1982. I remember when I first came in, that there was a fit and trim young man about my age eating a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich. I was horribly hung over and unwashed and unshaven. He didn't treat me like I was a bum, but spoke kindly to me and encouraged me to come back. It took several years and some very sad times, but I did come to stay. I think I kept relapsing because I kept blaming something outside of myself for my excessive drinking. Finally, I no longer believed any of my own 'explanations' or 'excuses' for why I drank, and when I accepted that I was an alcoholic and could not manage my life, then I finally began to make progress. I was happy when I came to after my last drunk because I understood that I had no one left to blame and no situation left to blame for my drinking. Since that day in 1982, I have accepted that I will always be an alcoholic. Can't blame anyone or anything for that; it is simply a fact of my life and it is one I deal with. If, God forbid, I should ever relapse, then I sincerely hope that I will come to in the morning, still alive and hung over and feeling miserable, yet happy that I will make the effort once again to achieve and maintain sobriety. It is worth it to struggle with your whole heart and soul to become sober, and I remember that every time I see a young man who is unwashed, unshaven, and shaky and hung over from a night of heavy drinking. There, but for the grace of God, go I once again if I should ever again take another drink!!!
Member: mary jennings
Location: san diego
Date: 2/1/2003
Time: 12:23:36 AM
im just glad to hear im not alone. you guys really hit home w/ me thanx, god bless
Member: Landscape Ray
Location: Scotland
Date: 2/1/2003
Time: 5:59:16 AM
(((Barbara)))) ((((Mary)))) you are not alone! Gooda((((Shauna)))) ((((Gary doing well boy)))) ((((stacey)))) welcome have two boys 7-5 never seen there dad drunk best move i ever made god bless Ray
Member: connien
Location: minnesota
Date: 2/1/2003
Time: 8:07:54 AM
People relapse because they forget what it's like to be chained to the bottle. They think they can handle it, they think they can be a normal drinker. And they simply forget that it only takes one drink to reattach the ball and chain. Trust me. Been there, done that. It starts with a couple beers here and there, and before you know it you're up to four bottles a week. Call it wishful thinking, but alcoholics can't be "normal drinkers". We just have to accept that.
Member: Abbey Normal Drinker
Location: County Cork
Date: 2/1/2003
Time: 2:10:19 PM
conniem, Amen! So very true and simple. Thanks
Member: DennisK
Location: PA
Date: 2/1/2003
Time: 3:32:46 PM
I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic. Wow, that's the first time I've said that in "public"! My first time here, and I want first to say to Barbara in Scotland and Jan, welocme back after your relapses. Peace and God be with you. I was recently diagnosed with diabetes, and appreciate the thought that alcoholism and diabetes are similar - my body reacts differently to certain chemicals than a normal body. I am only sober since Jan. 24, '03 and have 2 big questions. I have read about 100 pages of the Big Book and don't know how to turn my life over to God. How do I do this? Does he really love me unconditionally? 2nd question - I live in a very small town where everybody knows everybody's business and could easily be "stygmatized" if it's known I go to AA meetings. Can I be successful with the program by only attending these on-line meetings? I have a very good life, and don't want to mess it up. This is why I want to be sober. My wife is fed up with my drunkenness, (as am I) and I truly believe she is my angel on earth and don't want to lose her. I also recently read in the Bible that man shouldn't get drunk because it hurts the Spirit, and I don't want that anymore either. Quiting drinking is easy - I've done it many times. This time I want it to stick. I promised God Jan. 1 I wouldn't do it again, and then Jan. 23, there I was again. I don't want any more, and since I couldn't keep my promise to God, that's why I turned to AA this week. It seems so easy just not to do something that is so harmful - why is it so hard? All the bad things in my life were because of drinking, and I don't want any more bad things. I don't want to "hide out" in AA. I can think of no situation that would be improved by having a drink. I have no one or no situation left to blame. I will only live once, and I want each and every day to be as good as it can be. I admit I am afraid to take another drink, but I do have confidence and faith that, this time, I can stay quit. I believe that God has spared my life many times for some purpose, and maybe to help someone else escape from the grip of alcohol is that reason. Thanks so much for this opportunity to be able to say these things. God bless you all, and peace, sobriety and happiness to you all.
Member: Grea C.
Location: IN
Date: 2/1/2003
Time: 4:36:17 PM
Hi good topic and alot of experience strength and hope was shared. Thank you all. My thoughts are we all were ignorant of what alcoholism was doing to us but when we came to AA we found out what it is and how to take medicine to keep it under control. Medicine as in going to meetings reading the big book praying and believing in a HP. So a person who knows these things then goes out on a slip or relapse is stupid look up the definitions and you'll see what I mean it is not a mean statement. I have relapsed before and I was literally stupid. I now have 3and 1/2 years but it is one day at a time. I also believe in the fact that we are alcoholics and we are supposed to drink but we became teachable and learned how to work the steps and traditions and to make them happen in our lives. It was explained to me that it is a mental obsession which becomes a physical craving and when it takes over you are off and running. So thanks for letting me share and the Kim from In where at I am also from In.
Member: Stacey M
Location: Pgh Pa
Date: 2/1/2003
Time: 4:44:12 PM
Dear Dennis, I too have a problem turning my life over to God, not because I don't want to,but because I cant feel him in my heart yet.but I believe that the more I stay sober the more I will see he's taking a active part in this,and he will fill my soul with whats been missing all these years,and give me the strength to continue on the right path. (I hope)I have 32 days in,I also am new to this website and I love it,but a meeting would be better, who cares who knows your there,your getting help ,they'll quit talking about it when something juicier comes along,like when another alcoholic in the town(and I'm sure their is one) does something tragic and ruins his or her life because they we're too embarrassed to get help.The personality that was lost years ago is emerging from me and I like her,so does my family, dont be afraid, anythings better than you drinking, I think the people that matter in your life will agree and thats all you need to worry about for now.find the person you were meant to be, hes in there waiting. good luck
Member: Norman C.
Location: Reading, PA
Date: 2/1/2003
Time: 7:07:23 PM
Hi, I'm Norm, a grateful alcoholic. I am one of the lucky ones who didn't have a slip - yet. My first meeting was in June of 1975. The one thing I did was to take the first step and never try to take it back. In many ways, my program isn't very good, but as long as I keep remembering what a drink will do to me, I stay sober. I had tried too many times to stop on my own, and it hadn't worked. Alcoholics Anonymous did work for me. Norm
Member: Chris H.
Location: Fla.
Date: 2/1/2003
Time: 7:58:07 PM
I'm CHris-i'm and alcoolic/addice/bulimic---This is a good topic for me...I missed my first meeting(becauseI was sick) since I've been back in the program and I was debating missing another one, because I don't feel that good yet and I wasnt to feel good want to feel good when I go out of town the next day. This topic and all of your shares has made me realize what dumb thinking that is...I need to get my "A" to a meeting ... my sobriety is FIRST...and anyway, I ALWAYS feel better physically when I am at meetings...It doesnt' take long for me to loose my focus...someone in my home group used to say that A.A. is an " Attitude Adjustment" meeting...FOr me that is the way it is...My brain very quickly and easily goes back to its drinkng thinking...I need meetings to set me right..What you allhave said about being honest with others about what is going on with me rings true...I don't always do that...Ineed to get back with that...Thanks for all your shares!!!
Member: Dave W
Location: Sask. Canada
Date: 2/1/2003
Time: 10:46:55 PM
Hi. My name is Dave, I'm an alcoholic. This is my first time on this site. I attempted to quit drinking on three previous occasions. This time I completely surrendered and I admitted to myself I was an alcoholic and was powerless over alcohol. This time when I went to my first meeting one of those in attendance came up to me and shook my hand and said your membership in AA can never be cancelled, promise me three things. Don't drink, come to meetings and pray for God's help. I pray daily this simple prayer--Thank you for keeping me safe through this night and that it will be your will not my will be done today. After being sober for about three months, and my wife was in bed, I knelt down beside the chesterfield and prayed a simple prayer to my loving God: "Please take my desire to drink away." I fell asleep on the chesterfield and when I woke up in the morning I had no desire to drink and to this day I've had no desire to drink. I'm grateful for the love of my higher power and the fellowship of AA for showing me a better life. As long as I remember that I must put one foot in front of the other each day, my ass is right behind. I can vividly remember my last drunk and how sick I felt the next morning, as a constant reminder of where I have come from. My higher power and yours has given us a chance of making two trips through this world. We are the chosen people, thanks to the 100 men and women that formed AA, along with Bill and Bob.