Member: Craig L (Dogmanor@yahoo.com)
Location: Aloha, Oregon
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 9:06:34 AM

Comments

When I was a child, I always felt like an outsider. I never semed to fit in anywhere, even my own family. Later as it became apparant I was an alcoholic, I did fit in because I was always drunk beyond comprehension or looking to get that way. When I first came to AA, I was told "let us love you until you can learn to love yourself". I had no idea what that meant, but I was beaten up enough by alcohol to stop fighting. Today I have close friends. There are people I Love because of what they believe are their shortcomings. Most of all I rarely feel alienated any longer, as My Higher Power is always present. Let's talk about Unity!!. Thanks


Member: PAT G
Location: INDIANAPOLIS
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 9:11:47 AM

Comments

THIS IS A GREAT TOPIC...I STILL FEEL SOMETIMES LIKE I DO NOT FIT IN BUT I REALLY KNOW BETTER THAN THAT...IT IS JUST A CARRY OVER FROM MY OLD WAYS OF THINKING...MORE AND MORE I KNOW I HAVE GOD TO WALK WITH...I PRAY TO HAVE FAITH EVERY DAY AND THAT WORKS FOR ME...AA HAS SAVED MY LIFE AND HAS GIVEN ME PURPOSE AND DIRECTION...GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU...HAVE A GREAT WEEK...


Member: Theresa B.
Location: Garland,TX
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 10:04:04 AM

Comments

Yes, good topic. I have always felt that I didn't fit in.. I still feel like it sometimes. I want more friends, you know... more people to talk to and converse with that I can understand and know what they are going through. I know there is a time in our lives that we need to be alone... It's hard for me.. I go to classes and meetings daily. I love the AA life, and never want to stop living it... One day at a time...


Member: Stan M
Location: Upstate New York
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 10:22:51 AM

Comments

Great topic for me! I also felt like an outsider as a child, but my situation was a bit unusual: I was also a preacher's kid, and felt I had to put on a perfect front. So, I learned to hide everything "unpresentable" - feelings, actions. I found myself living a double life: the public one, which was "perfect", and the private, secret one, which included alcohol. The trouble was that the "secret self" felt more genuinely "me". My biggest problem now is to remain open and honest and avoid the temptation to slip back into secrecy. In the past, this has even allowed me to rationalize the absurd and insane situation of going to meetings ("public" me), while drinking on the side ("secret" me). For me, rigorous honesty is the key. I need to go to meetings, but I also need to work closely with my sponsor to shine the light of truth and honesty into the corners of my tendency towards secrecy. Without this, I'm lost.


Member: Paul W.
Location: Baltimore
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 10:49:06 AM

Comments

For the first time I cried about my addiction to alcohol. I've been drinking since I was 12 and never went more than a month without liquor. I realized at the age of 35 that the problem affects my family. I have always fit in because all my freinds drink too. Now I control my atmosphere.


Member: sandyc
Location: scotland
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 11:27:34 AM

Comments

My name is Sandy and I am definitely not the only alcoholic in the world! Alcoholism seems to turn us all into loners, even in crowded pubs. I drink on my own, no-one has problems like me. It is a selfish, self-centred addiction that shuts everyone else out. That first AA meeting and there are so many others with simliar experiences willing to share them to help themselves and others by doing so. I’m not alone any more. One of our group had a slip at Christmas and it was like it had happened to each and every one of us. I feel very much part of something which is more important than daft old me. There’s a degree of defiance, that whatever ‘they’ say ‘we’ can do it. I’m not going to be a drunk today because there’s millions of us saying let’s help each other stay sober.


Member: Jeff
Location: Ne.
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 11:45:33 AM

Comments

Jeff, an alcoholic, All my life is seems, I have always been on the outside looking in.I could never fit in anywhere even with the drinkers. They seemed to control there drinking & there lives. I on the other hand could`nt.I was the one who passed out ,blacked out or was left out.My drinking life left me alone,depressed & just plain miserable.Gun in one hand & bottle in the other.I often thought death would be the answer for me.I found myself with the total inability to control my drinking. I pushed everone in my life away, kept most people far enought away as to not get hurt when THEY did something to hurt me.(if that makes sence)When i first came to AA they told me drinking does this. Why do i feel all alone then, even without the booze? They also told me to shake hands & hug people i meet in AA, then i would make new friends.Today i can still be on the outside if i wish. All i have to do is go out in public & there they are in stores, streets, meeting halls churches, coffee shops & PC`s. You people are everywhere. I couldn`t have sobered up without you. With heart & hands open... Jeff


Member: 3R|<
Location:
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 12:32:07 PM

Comments

Craig, thanks for the topic. Hi, fellows, I'm Eric, a recovered alcoholic. (Argue about that elsewhere, you know what I mean.) I still have feelings that I don't fit in, and I don't like them. I remind myself that I am not unique. Life will go on, whether I put myself into a stupor or not. Lonliness is especially dangerous for me, I think, but I have not ever relapsed, so what are my triggers? I recently had a romantic breakup in recovery, thank god she is still in recovey, too, that magnifies the feeling of being alone or a loner.

So, thanks to HP, and the fellowship of AA, I do not have to get drunk today. Thanks for being here.

3R|<


Member: Bob S.
Location: Salt Lake City
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 1:02:52 PM

Comments

Craig....Unity....can't say much more than you have. Have the same story, just that now I have more options than just feeling like an outsider and unable to do anything about it. Tend to be comfortable in my own skin much more of the time and can tolerate myself, by myself, and so I do. I'm just one of those people who likes his alone time and so I allow me that. At the same time I like my "new family", which includes "us", and so called normies. Everybody seems to fit into my life today as I fit better into my skin, dependent on my spiritual condition. Thanks for this fellowship....you do wonders for me and I'm grateful to you. Love and hugs, Bob


Member: Bruce N
Location: Houston Tx
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 1:07:00 PM

Comments

Hi, Bruce and I'm alcoholic....This topic is wonderful because it hits at the very root of my problem....ME...It's when I cannot live in my own skin that I begin to isolate from you and the world. It doesn't matter whether I'm at a meeting, in church, at work, or with my family at home..if I'm living outside of my value system and God's will for me today I not am unable to look anyone square in the eye or feel comfortable in any surrounding. Continuing this kind of life (the old ways) can lead me to believe there is no hope, and without hope drinking or not drinking doesn't matter any more! Thank you God for the people in my life who are honest with me and who make me feel special when I don't feel like I matter at all. It is God's people and God's life that allow me to feel wanted in ANY crowd. Thanks for listening and God bless us all


Member: John H
Location: Indiana, USA
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 3:24:20 PM

Comments

Craig, a great topic and so are the sharings above! From John, another alcoholic.

It is easy for me to get down on myself because my expectations may not be realized as desired; or that I become envious and resentful from comparing myself to others' their "good" fortune etc. Such a reaction on my part is disunifying in itself, to me and others, and so loneliness sets in that easily can bring feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness.

Going to a meeting can and will change that negative condition if I make the committment to follow the many, but simple suggestions of the program. We know what we need to do to find a better life. Recovery, Unity, and Service in it's many ways does put us on the correct course-- stay the course and we all must remember to stay sober a day at a time first; it gets better as we work the other steps.

The best to all, have a great week, a day at a time!


Member: David H
Location: Nashville
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 5:29:34 PM

Comments

My name is David and Im an alcoholic. I never thought I fit in till I discovered alcohol at age 13. I imediately began to play the big shot and put on the big mask. Towards the end I didnt fit in anywhere. I drank alone. Even family memebers who drank like me didnt want me around. Today after nearly three years of sobriety I like myself. I dont have to be a people pleaser all the time and put up a big front. And life in AA today is a lot more than not drinking


Member: Johanna V
Location: Ephrata, WA
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 5:32:44 PM

Comments

Hi everyone, I'm jo and Iam an alcoholic. Unity is a great topic for me. The most exciting thing about AA for me is the fact that I'm no longer alone. I spent my teenage years and most of my twenties trying to drink away the feeling of being alone. Until my near destruction. Thanks to the many friends I have in the program I know I need not face anything alone. When I'm in constant contact with my higher power life is good, but being an alcoholic I often try to drive the bus alone. It's all of you that help me to remember to let go and let God. Without the Unity of the program I would surely be lost. Thank you all for my life and my recovery.


Member: Rev. Pamela
Location: Wharton, NJ
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 5:55:10 PM

Comments

At the end of my using, I would sit in the bar surrounded by my so called friends and feel so lonely & all alone. I used because I thought it helped me to fit in, but I couldn't be me. When I came to AA I fit in right away. The majority of the people also accepted the real Pamela, others didn't. Today I am only friends with people who accept me as I am and it dosen't matter to me if some people don't accept me, that's there loss. I am also lucky that I find unity in my church with others who have the same beliefs as I do. As Bob said I also enjoy my own company & I know when to reach out to others. With my crazy hours it is sometimes hard to be with my friends. But I was feeling lonely & invited them over for a party at my apartment yesterday. It snowed so it got cancelled, thank God for the phone!


Member: To Creig L. Oregon
Location: discussion meeting
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 6:04:26 PM

Comments

The feeling of being an outsider is a common way of feeling, It may seem strange, not to fit in, but if we are to find the way of God we are to become strangers. Yea, strangers here, And, this is the bond between God and man to fill that gap that is so necessary to our well being. It is a mishap to think of such a feeling of being an outsider as someting to be corrected, For if you do join yourself to the world to such an extent that all men speak well of you, you have made yourself an enemy of God! These words of the which I speak are there in the scriptures if they are sought. "My people are destroyed for lack of wisdom" saith the Lord, and this is part of the reason why step three bids us look to the bible. It follows then that to "let us love you, till you can love yourself" can be misleading.. Do you have close friends really? Are they not more a decision, sort of, to be one with in unity, than a truly am closeness? They will let you down in a pinch, All the more reason to turn to an all loving God, Yea, He, who will stick closer than a brother.


Member: Lessa E
Location: Chicago
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 8:59:22 PM

Comments

Craig, thanks for a very good topic! Like alot of folks have mentioned, I, too, felt like an outsider from early on. I always thought some external event would make it better. The 'if onlies'. If only I got straight A's, if only I got a particular present, if only a certain guy asked me out, if only I got a certain job, etc, etc.

Well, what should've convinced me that the 'if only' thing wouldn't work was FINALLY being invited to a party with the cool kids in high school. I knew, as soon as the evening was over, I'd be part of the 'in crowd'. And I'd finally belong. Well, what happened is there was booze there. I started drinking and couldn't stop. And I ended up drinking until I threw up all over the cool kids. That ended my fling with the 'in crowd'. But, I didn't care. I had finally found what made that black hole inside of me go away - or at least fill up temporarily. Booze.

Thank heavens today I don't have to pick up a drink! I love the fellowship - as soon as I got it through my thick skull to look for the similarities, not differences - I found a place I fit in quite well. I found a program that, worked to the best of my ability, would help me stay sober a day at a time. And my insides started healing.

I still have times where I feel like an outsider in 'real life'. But, it's starting not to matter. And I sure don't have to pick up a drink over it.

Thanks for letting me share.

lessa_e@hotmail.com


Member: AnilG
Location: Mt Vernon,IL
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 9:25:18 PM

Comments

My name is anil and Im an alcoholic. I never thought I fit in till I discovered alcohol at age 23. I immediately began to play the big as part of my grandiosty behavior slowly i did not fit in anywhere. I drank alone. Even family memebers who drank like me didnt want me around. Today after nearly three years of sobriety I like myself. I dont have to be a people pleaser all the time and put up a big front. And life in AA today is a lot more than not drinking


Member: Dustin C.
Location: Port Allegany,PA
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 10:00:29 PM

Comments

I'm Dustin and I am an alcholic. I come from a family of alcholics. When I was 16 or 17, I started drinking to fit in with my family, because if I didn't, I felt out of place. AA has tought me I don't have to drink to fit in. Now I can just as easily enjoy myself with my family without the alcohol.

Thanks, Dustin


Member: Don S
Location: Texas
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 10:33:42 PM

Comments

My name is Don S, and I am an Alcoholic. I know exactly how you feel about slipping back into the “secret me”. The “secret me” world is the world which says if nobody else knows I got high, then it didn’t really happen. This is a very selfish, lonely world, that is full of lies, and which comes quickly crashing down around you when discovered by the “real world”. I am sitting here alone with my own selfishness as I type, having slipped again and injured the people I love. I have decided that the “secret me” of my addiction is always there, I have gone three or four years at a time staying sober, only to have my addiction resurface and grab me by the throat. I find it impossible to explain this secret lonely world to my wife, or I’m afraid to say, maybe my soon to be ex-wife. Unfortunately, because of the lies involved, she takes my mistakes as a personal attack, and quite frankly I really can’t blame her. On the topic of feeling alone, even in a crowd of people I feel alone. I find myself dominating conversations and meetings in a vain attempt to fit in. As a child, I was the only boy, and had three much older sisters; I remember being alone all the time. I think I have been running from that loneliness my whole life. I got high the first time when I was 12, this was a vain attempt to fit in with the “in” crowd. Within a couple of years I was dealing to support my own habit(s), and running from my solitude. I guess maybe I’m still running.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Don


Member: Jenny J.
Location:
Date: 1/20/2002
Time: 11:02:24 PM

Comments

Jenny, alcoholic, 10 years sobriety. Unity and not being so much an outsider is a good topic. A line in the big book which intrigues me is page 57 "When we drew near to Him He disclosed Himself to us". I tend to forget this tiny unassuming last line of chapter 4. Over time my H.P. tends to disclose himself more and more and in different ways. Sometimes shattering my preconceived limited notions of what a HP entails. thanks for the topic. Happy 24 hours to all who walk the walk of this site.


Member: Mike A
Location: Southwestern Ontario
Date: 1/21/2002
Time: 11:21:08 AM

Comments

I to have felts this way and still have days like that , but i have came to understand that alcoholics are also isolators when we go into our poor me state we feel alone again. I know today i must get to meeting and call my sponser as soon as a start going into that lonely state of mind. My sponse has told me if i would stop and think about what i am saying i would realize i am never alone God is always at my side i just need to talk to him to get through it.So i Say to all Talk To God and all will be well again. Great topic!!


Member: HalH
Location: Dallas, TX
Date: 1/21/2002
Time: 11:30:38 AM

Comments

My name is Hal and I am on my 5th day of sobriety. I was sober for 8 months back in 1998 and was working a good AA program (or so I thought). I was very active in the program... but one day I thought I was cured! Anyway... last Wednesday I received my second DWI (last one was back in 1995) and I had a wake up call again. I have been to 4 meetings so far... but I have a hard time talking to people and such. I'm scared of what people will think when they here it is my second time in...and I'm to independent to ask for help. Any suggestions?


Member: Tom S
Location: NYC
Date: 1/21/2002
Time: 12:11:44 PM

Comments

Tom, alcoholic. Just celebrated 4 yrs continuous sobriety this month. But I know how fragile that can be. I still have to keep my sobriety and the rest of my life focused on this moment. Don, in Texas, listen up! We (somehow) are granted a daily reprieve, such that we can start over anytime. What happened, good or bad, yesterday is over, and tomorrow will take care of itself, if we show up for ourselves today. All we need to worry about is what we need to do next, in order to remain sane and sober. That's what works for me. It helps that I make my sobriety my #1 priority. I have a great sponsor who I trust, go to meetings and pray daily. Somehow, as I've shown up on a daily basis these past 4 yrs, things have definately gotten better. Thanks for letting me share . . .


Member: Dave L
Location: Illinois
Date: 1/21/2002
Time: 12:15:16 PM

Comments

Welcome back Hal. For your information, I believe statistics bare out that some 80% of sober alcoholics will drink once after they have attempted sobriety. It usually occurs in the first months. So many at your meetings have already been through what you have been through ... me included and I have been sober for over 20 years. No one with any quality sobriety will have an issue or judge you negatively for attempting to successfully drink again. It is by our nature to drink; hence, we are alcoholics ... see! That is why we go to meetings to give of ourselves to help others and in the process receive the gift of life or sobriety. Once you get it ... the world changes in your eyes (even though nothing has changes in reality ... just your perspective). I was where you were at and latched onto someone who I felt understood me. I was so desperate at that point that I was willing to walkdown the street on my head if I was told to do so. Instead I was directed to the steps by my sponsor and encouraged to read the Big Book and go to as many meeting as possible. The person I found to share with I clicked with in a way. So find someone who you can relate to and go to as many meetings as possible. It works -- it really does!


Member: Bobbye E.
Location: McKinney, TX
Date: 1/21/2002
Time: 1:13:07 PM

Comments

Bobbye here real alcoholic - Thanks for the topic. I have noticed that fellow alcoholics always understand when I use this phrase: I can be lonely in a crowded room of people.

Hal welcome back, I too am a member of the retred society with in the fellowship. I had to try twice before I stayed, been 15 years now a day at a time. Just takes what it takes for each of us.

That secret self stuff is slippery ground for me. I am just as sick as my secrets. Those areas of my life that I refuse to discuss with another human being, or tricky disease at work here, that I refuse to disclose fully the intentions, the timing, frequency and actions. These are the fertile places for my disease to dig in and trip me up.

The solutions for me are to go to meetings and share every opportunity I get to share, begining always with: How I am doing? and What is going on in my life? Because in spite of myself I listen to what I tell you in these recovery meetings. I call my sponsor and begin always with those same two questions. As an alcoholic the most important stuff spills out first as long as I do not manage it. I hit my knees regularly using the 3rd, 7th and 8th step prayers. And I reach back when anyone, anywhere reaches out, it keeps me right sized.

Thanks for the great shares my lunch time companions in recovery!

Joyful today - thank God, yesterday was tough. Bobbye bobbyee@ivillage.com ICQ 58286454


Member: Mary S.
Location: Mt. Vernon Wa
Date: 1/21/2002
Time: 3:57:52 PM

Comments

Welcome back Hal, there is no shame in "comming back" the important thing is that you keep comming back. I tried sobriety twice and felt like an outsider even in AA meetings. On my last binge I was too ashamed to go back and finally was interviened on. It was the best thing that happened. I not only got a sponsor and worked the steps, but I forced myself to do servicework, to stay after meetings and to talk to people! Doing this for alot of meetings I slowly got to know more people. Were all in the same boat, a bunch of social misfits. It hit home with me when I went out to eat after a meeting with a group of AAs. We all sat down and one women who I considered to be very altogether and with alot of time said "Now Im here and Im not quite sure what to do now."


Member: Mechelle Snider
Location: Indianapolis
Date: 1/21/2002
Time: 4:17:29 PM

Comments

Hi my name is Mechelle and I am new to this. I do not go to meets alot (i am in the army). I am to independant i guess plus i do not like asking for help. I still have a hard time understanding that I am an alcoholic. Anyways great topic today.


Member: Terry
Location: Rocky Mountains
Date: 1/21/2002
Time: 5:27:59 PM

Comments

This topic just saved my butt. I was on the pity pot this morning doing what I do best. Driving those around me that care away with my pathetic poor me attitude. I happened to stumble on this site (higher power works wonders). I was ready to isolate and probably blow my 16 months of sobriety. Thanks for being here. I know what I gotta do.


Member: Mike G.
Location: upstate NY
Date: 1/21/2002
Time: 6:50:38 PM

Comments

Alcohol has a way of releasing the devil within. Makes you feel like you can control it and handle tasks such as driving. End up in jail the find that you don't fit in there....or do you? Three years sober and still going .


Member: Michelle B.
Location: Bothell, WA
Date: 1/21/2002
Time: 7:45:15 PM

Comments

Ok, can anyone help me with this? I never believed I had a 'drinking problem' Many times I can have one or two and then stop. But there have been so many times (3 in the last month) that I absolutely lose control and drink until I am really drunk and lose my memory. I am 37 and this started when I was about 16. I have been in a car accident, I was not driving but my best friend was killed, and, yes, drinking was involved. I got kicked out of school, passed out, swore at my boss, threw up in someone's car....and it goes on and on. I feel embarassed and ashamed everytime. I cannot stand losing control. I think I have to totally quit. Everything else in my life is great. I have never had trouble fitting in. I am educated, have two kids, a great marriage, great parents. Am I foolish to think I can ever drink 'normally'. I should have figured this out years ago. I think I may have to just stop drinking before I do something really stupid AGAIN.


Member: Terry C.
Location: Flagstaff, AZ
Date: 1/21/2002
Time: 7:49:55 PM

Comments

My name is Terry and I'm a real alcoholic. Thanks for the topic on "unity." Wow! When Craig mentioned that he did not fit in his own family, I can identify. Let me tell you, I am the youngest of five brothers and one half brother. My brothers' names are Harry, Larry, Perry, Jerry, and my half brother Garry. Ha-ha, funny isn't it? :) Yeah, I still get a chuckle out of that. I mention that at times when I go to my meetings where I came from and who I am. Even though our names rhymed, I still felt like I didn't belong or I thought I was adopted. Why I felt like that, I thought, because I was the only brother with the middle name and the only brother who doesn't wear glasses. I had all kinds of reasoning. I didn't like me and I didn't like being where I was at. I felt like that always but when I took that drink of beer, whiskey, or wine, my whole body loosened up and I could have a conversation with you and be a part of. Today, because of AA, I am learning more and more 'one day at a time' to live comfortably in my own skin. The fellowshipping and listening to people's share their experience, strenght, and hope reaffirms my faith and trust that AA works and that I am not alone. The brothers and sisters of AA have taught me to love unconditionally. Thank, God. Again, thanks for the topic.


Member: Dick T.
Location: Vermont
Date: 1/21/2002
Time: 11:39:25 PM

Comments

My name is Dick T. and I am an alcholic. Thanks for "Unity", you are seeing it in action.I must say that the greatest advice I ever received was at my lst meeting when I was told "If I didn't want to drink again, just keep coming back to meetings." It has turned out to be very true, I don't drink and I got to meetings, every day, no matter what. To the two ladies just above me, give yourselves a chance to see what happens in AA, don't drink each day and see a power greater than yourselves to help you along the path. There is alot to learn and you can learn over each 24 hour period from others who will and want to help. God Bless and you are in my prayers. DDAGTM. dick t.


Member: AZbill
Location: Sierra Vista, Arizona
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 12:48:40 AM

Comments

HI, Bill here, Alcohlic from Arizona. Darn good topic. Unity is so important that it is a full third of our program. Our triangle is an ancient symbol of strength.

The sides are Unity (The 12 traditions); Service (The 12 concepts); and at the base Recovery (The 12 Steps. The Steps are how it works, the traditions are why it works, and the concepts of service is what keeps it working. AA is a package deal and can be likened to a three legged stool. Take away even one leg and it gets pretty wobbley.

A bit of AA trivia... There are 12 Steps, 12 traditions, and 12 concepts of service, yet only 11 chapters to the big book. Why? :). There once was 12 chapters. The 12th chapter, "The Last Endeavor" was in the first printing, then removed.

Great shares so far and some fond memories triggered. Paul W, I was born in Baltimore and thus a Baltimoron, Still have the accent I am told. Ever make meetings at Charles Village, The Convent or at St. Ursula's in Parkville? Mary S., My first girl friend ever in my life was in Mount Vernon. I was a wild young sailor stationed on Whidbey Island. And Hal H. I have lots of suggestions. Twelve of them for starters. Give me a holler. Take care all...

Bill

az-bill@mindspring.com


Member: Melissa B.
Location: Kihei, HI
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 3:45:10 AM

Comments

Hi, I'm Melissa and I am STILL an alcoholic. Michelle, yes! If what you say is true, then YES you have a definite problem with alcohol. YES it is foolish to think that you can ever drink normal again. It (your drinking) will only get worse from here friend.

Be thankful though because you can do something about it. It appears you've already made your first attempt at dealing with it by being here. Now, go to a meeting, start reading the Big Book (you can buy it at your nearest AA office - check your white pages). Find a sponsor and start talking!!!

Oh yeah, one more thing, DON"T PICK UP!!!

Best of luck. Thank you for this sober forum.


Member: jolonda h
Location: michigan
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 9:31:46 AM

Comments

Hi my name is Jolonda, I'm an alcoholic an no it now. I was also in the program some yrs back. But I made a move an thought i could drink again an handle it, I was wrong. I hurt even my own family with things I say an do, an i to push everyone away from me, even my own kids. thanks for being online


Member: Gail
Location: northeast
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 1:42:52 PM

Comments

I used to fit in. Now that my drinking is out of control I don't anymore. All I want to do is stay home and get drunk in front of the television. My fiancee has ended our relationship and I don't think he even understands that the problems we face are due to alcohol. This addiction is ruining my life.


Member: Michelle B.
Location: Washington
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 1:51:29 PM

Comments

Thank you so much Melissa B.


Member: Grace O.
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 3:29:10 PM

Comments

Grace here, gratefull alcoholic. Thanks so much for this topic, thanks so much for this board, thanks so much for saying what I need to hear, even after 11+ years of sobriety. Even after 11 years, can you believe that I never "listened" when anyone else said they didn't feel they belonged in their own family, workplace, class, blah blah blah. I needed to read it here, to find my comfort, to "hear" it and to agree with my normie biological brother who calls me hardest headed person on this planet. Love you all. Grace O.


Member: On the fence
Location:
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 3:31:30 PM

Comments

Ok folks, unity? I believe in it especially saw it at the one and only AA meeting I went to. Still drink but I have much more control than before...but sometimes I feel that itch more than I like and I think...I should go to another meeting....alas I'm a great procrastinator. Can anyone relate to the "second meeting jitters"? I do know I abuse but am hesitent to commit my self all the way. Just lost 40lbs through sheer dicipline, why can't do the same control over booze....


Member: SID V.
Location: N.Y.C.
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 3:38:52 PM

Comments

in response to gails comment:things could be worse.back when i was drinking you had to actually get up to change the channels,and there were only 7!!!!!!!!!TODAT YOU HAVE THE LUXURY OF THE REMOTE,100 PLUS CHANNELS,VCR,DVD.WHAT MORE COULD YOU POSSIBLY ASK FOR? SIT BACK, RELAX,MARRIAGE AINT WHAT IT,S CRACKED UP TO BE. MAKE A GRATITUDE LIST STARTING WITH THE FACT HE LEFT,CRACK OPEN A BUD AND PARTY HEARTY GIRL!!!!!!!!!


Member: SID V.
Location: N.Y.C.
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 3:39:32 PM

Comments

in response to gails comment:things could be worse.back when i was drinking you had to actually get up to change the channels,and there were only 7!!!!!!!!!TODAT YOU HAVE THE LUXURY OF THE REMOTE,100 PLUS CHANNELS,VCR,DVD.WHAT MORE COULD YOU POSSIBLY ASK FOR? SIT BACK, RELAX,MARRIAGE AINT WHAT IT,S CRACKED UP TO BE. MAKE A GRATITUDE LIST STARTING WITH THE FACT HE LEFT,CRACK OPEN A BUD AND PARTY HEARTY GIRL!!!!!!!!!


Member: TMG
Location: North
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 4:38:02 PM

Comments

I often had great feelings of not belonging! In fact I just could not find a person, place or thing that I could cope with for very long, and so I went the typical alcoholic loner route! But in looking back it was not at all as bad as many make it out to be! I couldn't stand the Catholic parochial school I attending for 8 years, and thought I was given a new kind of freedom when I went to a public high school! Although that was not the kind of freedom I was somehow searching for either! And so I found myself in AA, and then my eyes started to open and see things as they really are! After all I might still cleave to those parochial chains and brainwashing I was brought up in if I never sought to escape from it all with toxics!

See http://www.geocities.com/tmgnorth/hpp.html


Member: Rosemarie P.
Location: PA
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 6:24:51 PM

Comments

This is my first time at an on-line meeting. Unity was one of the things that kept me coming back for many years. And I really miss it!! My situation: Had 21 years sober, chaired, lead, sponsored, worked the steps, was active in home groups, had and used a sponsor,was involved in service, experienced the 12 promises, believed in the 12 traditions, was referred to as Mrs. A.A. affectionately by some of the very close friends i made over the years. I attended an ave. of 7 to 14 meetings per week the first to years, and several conferences. Over the years that decreased until i settled into 1 to 2 meetings per week until last year. Far from bragging, the point I'm trying to make is I LOST ALL OF THAT WHEN I PICKED UP 6 mos. ago. I WOULD HAVE CELEBRATED 22 YRS. last week and I'm struggling to get even a fraction of it back. This is my first meeting back, SO JUST WHEN I WAS BRAND-NEW, I need to shut up and listen. YES-I sure do miss the unity!!! One-week sober Rosemarie from PA.


Member: nancys
Location: michigan
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 6:43:24 PM

Comments


Member: Bud S.
Location: Canada
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 7:18:34 PM

Comments

Yolanda, Gail, Michelle: Get Help. The hand of AA is always there. Reach out and grab it. There is a better way of life and its there waiting for you. All it takes to start is a phone call. Online meetings are find but face to face is what its all about. Like all alcoholics we seem to be bent on self-destruction. There is a way out. For me that way was AA. Good luck and God Bless you all.


Member: Jack P.
Location: SoCal
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 7:54:17 PM

Comments

Welcome back Rosemarie. This time stay and don't forget what let you go out again.Stick with the winners. I have for 22 years 9Months. Jack


Member: Jack P.
Location: SOCAL
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 8:02:08 PM

Comments

If you are new to sobriety or are having problems staying sober,take your big book, your sponsor and yourself and go to lots of meetings and get involved. you will find the answers if you realy want to. You can find all the unity you want and alife beyond your wildest dreamsBut you have to want it and be willing to do what it takes to get it.


Member: Jack P.
Location: SOCAL
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 9:21:11 PM

Comments

I am going to take my own advice and go to a face to face meeting right now. Good nite all and have a great life.


Member: PJ
Location: Clearwater
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 9:40:57 PM

Comments

PJ here, definitely an alcoholic. Thanks to everyone for all the great sharing-reminds me that AA is where I belong. {{{everyone}}} Welcome back Rosemarie, and a special thanks to you for your honesty. Your sharing reinforces my "natural forgetter" that I need to keep doing what I did in the beginning if I want to keep my sober life! I'm glad you made it back-put that at the top of your gratitude list Rosemarie. Be gentle with yourself-remember that you didn't lose those 22 years of sobriety. Compare it to getting on a train in Miami to go to New York. If your train derails mid-journey in Virginia, you get back on the train in Virginia & continue to New York-you wouldn't go all the way back to Miami to start over :) Blessings AA family!


Member: mike s. mikestuart@coastalnet.com
Location: new bern nc 
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 9:50:35 PM

Comments

hi my name is mike an alcoholic the sobriety i have i owe to god working thru a.a. when i first got in i wanted to do the home study course but god wanted me to interact with other recovering alcoholics to stay sober it is an interactive program and the best way to interact is at a meeting by sharing what is going on with you and listening today i really enjoy being sober and a part of a.a. thanks


Member: Judith.L
Location: Melb. Australia
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 10:38:10 PM

Comments

Hi one and all,

My name is Judith and I am an Alcoholic/Addict.

Unity, great topic.

I am struggling. I hate to say that. Loath saying that. Have I not learnt?? Here I am nearly 5 months clean and sober and now I have had to fess up that I have been using pills. It only became really apparent 2 weeks ago when I was dealing with some really heavy emotional pain that I took to the pills (over the counter stuff) just like I would have with drink or drugs. And I noticed myself slurring my words, that's when it hit me that I had PICKED UP again!!! But getting back to UNITY, Different boy do I think I am different. When I first came into the program 4 years ago it was so good to find others like myself. To find that I was not different. To find others who felt like I do. What a blessing that was. But now right now I am struggling. I feel no one could know how I feel. To be in this program 4 years but still have problems with relapse, still thinking I am different. Have I forgotten!!! Do I not know that you all out there do know how I feel. You do know what I am going through. You know for me it is not just putting down the drinks or the drugs or the pills its about fessing up, fronting up, being honest and being able to sit with one's self. To be able to tell the truth.

To LOVE!!! And allow others to love you.

Gosh it is a Journey and with the help of this online Discussion group and the coffee pot the journey is made easier.

Unity, I pray I will remember to Remember ..... And know that I am not alone.

Thank you.

May today be just the beginning of the journey.

Love to all,

Judith. L


Member: Tommy B.
Location: Kansas
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 11:17:48 PM

Comments

Tommy here......I'm a drunk with hope.......Unity....I have found a family in AA that accept me no matter what.......That coming from another drunk that never felt like he fit in...Even now, if I am at a gathering, be it family or otherwise, I feel as though I am over here and the rest are over there.......But I never feel that way at an AA meeting...And I have sought them out in several places....When I go away, I look for a meeting.....I have never felt alone around a bunch of AAs....I'd say that is what unity means........At least to me....I am slowly getting more self confidence, and find myself comfortable in situations I never would have before I came into AA......So, it is working, but I know I have a long way to go.....However, this is the best 10 months I can remember for more than 30 years...I go to meetings every day, and I pray sometimes many times a day......It's all about attitude and cleaning up wreckage........I hope now that I never have a grandchild see me drunk....God knows my children went through hell with me....But I am getting alittle better all the time, and am looking forward to a better life......One day at a time......Thank you for letting me share....


Member: Melissa S.
Location: Utah
Date: 1/22/2002
Time: 11:56:51 PM

Comments

Hi friends, I'm Melissa, a greatful, recovering alcoholic. Fitting in? I tried my best to not conform you know, the rebel. I spent 25 years as my own worst enemy. After coming to AA, I still didn't fit in because I would not allow my self to; but I do now. I am so lucky to be in this program and to be alive. I have an unbelievable relationship with my higher power and he has taught me that I am never alone. I am so blessed to become an actual part of the human race. God Bless those who came up with this site, you have saved me!


Member: Jack B
Location: Palo Alto, Pa
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 5:38:21 AM

Comments

Hi, I am Jack a real alcoholic. Unity is one of our three legacies along with recovery and service. Unity for me is what bonds us together, our singleness of purpose. Our first tradition states that our common welfare should come first: personal recovery depends upon A A unity. Thanks for allowing me to share and God Bless.


Member: richard m
Location: sarasota , fla
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 8:37:56 AM

Comments

hello my name is richard m...i am an alcoholic. My sobrity date is dec 28, 1985....5870 days today......Tolerance and love is our code......we simply want to stay a way from a drink, one day at a time....Gods grace is sufficent to sustain us in this . A A helps us to grow......love , peace amd happines to eahof you !!~


Member: Randy A.
Location: S. Fla
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 8:49:29 AM

Comments

Just found the site. Even in a crowd I was all alone, then I came back to AA and found the family and friends that are all over the world.The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each others life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof. God bless my family.


Member: Pam S
Location: Katy
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 10:46:18 AM

Comments

I'm Pam S. and i'm an alcoholic. Unity is a great topic because although today is day one, I feel like I am welcomed here and that we all understand one another.Nine years ago I was a member for 3 months but I felt that I "really" wasn't an alcoholic so I quit. Nine years later and here I am. Now I know who I am and I'm tired of carrying this alone. Thank you for being here.


Member: Mark D
Location: NH
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 11:05:57 AM

Comments

Stan M in upstate NY and Don S in Texas really nailed it for me. Double life. Secret life.That was me. It still is me to some extent. Fear of life causes us to put on masks for others. Hide our true feelings and thoughts.I grew upreading and drawing comics. Spiderman, Batman, Hulk, etc. ?? alter egos and secret identities. My dad is also an alcoholic. How to hide the bottle from mom. secrets. It's the most natural thing in the world to meto hide??myself, actions & things. I find in sobriety that I instinctually hide things that I have no reason to hide.

It's a lot easier having 2 or 3 different personasif you don't like yourself.


Member: Jim R
Location: Central IL
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 11:08:46 AM

Comments

Hi, I'm Jim, recovering alcoholic. Unity is a new concept for most of us. Giving up self was very hard. I was self-absorbed for so many years that I became isolated from my own family. I remember always feeling like I was outside the house, looking in through the windows. It was as if I was dead, and inspecting the natural world from a supernatural vantage point. My family probably felt the same way. Upon my sobriety and return to reality, it was both awkward and difficult to participate. They had become quite used to getting along without me. I have been sober for 8-plus years, but I still struggle with issue from time to time. Old habits, old attitudes, you know. Thank God for the humility lessons that AA and my sponsor have taught me. I'm still learning and pray that I continue to do so. Thanks to all of you, and God, we can learn much together. Keep the faith.


Member: Mark B
Location: Southwest Asia
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 11:14:53 AM

Comments

Mark, dope fiend alcoholic. It wasn't until I was dragged kicking and screaming in through the doors of AA that I discovered how alone and isolated I had become. I've been sitting out here doing this war thing now for four months, and I'm for the most part, alone and isolated, and yet I have hope, I have strength, and courage. It doesn't come from within me, God carries me. I was reading the posts and I saw one from a young troop in Indianapolis and am I'm familiar with her plight. Not because I don't want to go to meetings, just that where I am there aren't any. I got sober in the military over 16 years ago, and I remember living in the barracks early in sobriety, feeling totally alone, isolated, cut off from the rest of the GI's around me. The one thing I did do, and I still do, is go to as many meetings as I possibly can. I'm presently deployed to a classified area in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. There are no meetings, but I hit this site at least twice a day. I write about 4 people regularly who are clean and sober, I pray like constantly, and I know, God didn't bring me this far in my recovery to drop me. I just gotta do the simple stuff, the footwork, and he'll take care of me. Pride is a terrible thing that the military instills in young troops. Breaking down that pride is an integral part of working the steps. It's a tough road to walk, but if I can do it, anybody can. I'm now a SrNCO leading troops in a war. Not my greatest ambition in life, to say the least. But I'm able to do it because I am clean and sober. If I were fucked up, I wouldn't be worth a shit to either my troops, or my squadron. Do I feel alone and isolated? Fucking A right, over. Am I alone and isolated? No, God is always with me, all I have to do is tune in to his frequency. I'll keep coming back, I might get a bit different.

Mark


Member: Chris H.
Location: Fla.
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 1:25:33 PM

Comments

Hi All-Chris here--alcoholic/addict/bulimic///Thank you one and all for being open and honest...I really miss ftof meetings. They are what keep me sober...I have been unable to go for the last three years because of physical problems ( which are rapidly getting better- Thankfully!!)...I really miss the unity and the honesty that is in the rooms. When others are honest, it gives me the courage to be honest with myself and with others...I have not been all that honest lately and have been in a pressure cooker of a situation at home....Therefore, I have allowed my sobriety to begin slipping..I have not had a drink , but I have binged which is very dangerous for me... since food is my number one drug of choice...Greatfullly, I think that I will be able to get to ftof meetings in the near future , and in the meantime i continue to talk to my sponsor and try my best to work my program...I am eternally greatful that for the first time in my life when I finally got into the rooms... I did not feel like a square peg in a round hole..As I get back "into" life, I must really watch out that I do not "use" all of the old methods that made me feel more part of the group...It is quite a temptation... I am eternally greatful that you all are here!


Member: Richard D.
Location: Centreville, Va.
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 1:44:17 PM

Comments

Thanks to everyone for sharing especially the new people and people who just made it back. It took me over 17 years in and out of AA to put together 4 years. I too was afraid to speak up in meetings and let people know who I was. I was ashamed of being in and out and afraid of what people would think of me. My sponsor at the time told me to just stand up and say "I am Richard and I'm an alcoholic" even if I had nothing to say. I also took service positions as suggested. It worked. people started knowing who I was. They would talk to me. The point is I just had to be willing to do what was suggested. If the willingness isn't all there, pray for it. I just hope and pray that I never lose my willingness now. This program really works if you work it and let it work. Anyways, thanks for reading my stuff. Anyone can e-mail me at the address below if they want to chat.

Richard BAZU1@AOL.COM


Member: Rosemarie P.
Location: Pittsburgh area, PA
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 6:33:43 PM

Comments

Thanks, P.J. and Jack P. Never thought I'd be hearing WELCOME BACK, instead of saying it to someone else.


Member: Scott M.
Location: Dallas, Texas
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 8:42:40 PM

Comments


Member: Scott M.
Location: Dallas, Texas
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 8:43:51 PM

Comments

I've been trying to get sober since 1989 and can't. Someone help me, Please


Member: Scott M.
Location: Dallas, Texas
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 8:47:18 PM

Comments

I've been trying to get sober since 1989 and can't. Someone help me, Please. Scott M.


Member: Chuck L.
Location: Eden, NC
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 9:02:41 PM

Comments

Hi everyone. I'm Chuck...and I'm an alcoholic. Thank God for unity! In 1992 I found myself drunk after 3 years of sobriety. I did not "slip". It was a planned drunk, both consciously and sub-consciously...and it took me 9 years to get back to where I belong. I swore that I would NEVER be able to walk into another AA meeting, especially with the people who had so freely given their love to me and helped me learn to live sober one day at a time. But, God saw fit to allow me another chance, humbled me and even took me by the hand and led me back to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And you people were still there...united as one, with singleness of purpose, with the only requirement for membership being a desire to stop drinking...and you welcomed me with open arms and the un-conditional love that I walked away from. Walked away because "I thought I had a grip on it now"...and besides, "What difference does it make anyway?"! I AM one of the lucky ones! And so grateful that Bill and Dr. Bob recognized the need for unity in the early days of AA. I now have 324 days..."by the grace of God and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous". And it DOES make a difference...a difference to me! Thank you for allowing me to share...and thank you for being here when I finally made my way back!


Member: Jo
Location: NE
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 9:37:38 PM

Comments

I'm Jo and I'm an alcoholic. I found this site by accdent, and thank God I did. This is day 1. I feel ashamed and worthless, and just as bad - totally frustrated! Here I am, a strong-willed, educated woman, and I have been unable to stop drinking by myself. I quit for 2 months last winter with A.A., but my idiot brain decided that I really "wasn't" an alcoholic. I am. My husband has had it with me, and frankly I'VE had it with me, too. How many more times am I going to fail? I have been able to succeed in everything but this. I pray that God will give me this chance to get control, and make my life worthwhile once again... Thank you all for sharing your thoughts - I think this site will help.


Member: Chris
Location: Syracuse
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 10:32:04 PM

Comments

I'm sober (or dry) nearly 7 years, and still so terribly alone. The people I meet are superficially friendly, but essentially remote when it comes to sharing themselves more deeply, and I continue to veer between excessive self disclosure and unintentional aloofness. The only woman I know who is unfailingly solicitous about me happens to be a dreadful gossip who I don't disclose too much to because I don't feel like hearing it back from someone else. I begin to suspect that some of us are no better at overcoming our isolation than we would be at regrowing a limb lost in a drunk driving accident.

As far as group unity goes, well, it varies from group to group, in my experience. One group I go to is very program oriented, very focused on AA in sharing and very vital and unified. The other is very social, very unfocused, and often seems like a general psychological support group. That group goes at it like cats and dogs every couple of weeks or months. The latter group is much older, but the first is undeniably healthier.


Member: Robin A
Location: FL
Date: 1/23/2002
Time: 11:02:02 PM

Comments

Hi (((all))), Robin~*~ alcoholic and addict of MORE here...

UNITY; hmmm...just realized I really do not know the meaning of the word, so off to the dictionary I go...brb...

Never realized one tiny word had so much meaning~lol!

U·NI·TY [ynitee ] (plural u·ni·ties) noun

1. being one: the state of being one

2. combining into one: the combining or joining of separate things or entities to form one

3. something whole: something whole or complete formed by combining or joining separate things or entities

4. harmony: harmony of opinion, interest, or feeling

5. singleness among individuals: singleness or constancy among individuals or groups

So to me~*~my opinion only~*~UNITY refers to our "singleness of purpose"; which is, "To stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety" because as a combined group of "individuals" with a common purpose; to maintain sobriety, AA is alive and well-and for that WE are responsible.

Without UNITY there would be no AA to help the next suffering alcoholic find the way to a sober life.

For myself-that would be sad-if AA wasn't there; holding its hands out and opening its arms to me, I know I would no longer be here on earth and my daughter would have to grow up without a mother.

For that (UNITY) I am grateful.

(((Scott M)))-all you need to do is surrender to the G~d of your understanding and walk into the open arms of AA


Member: Jessa H
Location: colfax ca.
Date: 1/24/2002
Time: 12:17:39 AM

Comments

Greetings,I'm Jessa and I'm an alcoholic. Thank you for your topic Craig... unity for me is just this. Reading all your comments has made me feel better and not all alone.Thanks


Member: Michael B.
Location: AZ
Date: 1/24/2002
Time: 12:25:57 AM

Comments

Hi! My name is Michael, and I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, sober today only by the Grace of God and the Fellowship. Thanks for all the sincere shares! Welcome newcomers!

Ditto Jack B. and some others. Unity is the key for the strength of AA, because we need AA to stay sober. I know that if there was someway I could have stayed sober on my own, I would have. Thus, my sobriety depends to a great extent on adhering to "principles before personalities" and eschewing religious proselytizing and political debate in the AA program.

Of course, there are real "on the ground" divisions among AA members and groups throughout the U.S. and elsewhere, primarily due to social, cultural, economic, and political differences among the membership, and this is another area where we AAs need to be especially vigilant about trying to maintain unity.

These differences can also be mitigated by adherence to the principles of the program, and especially the Traditions, which ideally should be the guidelines used by AA's in order to promote unity. In other words, traditional socioeconomic, cultural, and political teachings that we AAs have and which run counter to our 12 Traditions should be questioned when we do our inventories.


Member: Dustin C
Location: Port Allegany,PA
Date: 1/24/2002
Time: 1:34:20 AM

Comments

greetings. Greatful recovering alcoholic, my name is Dustin. My sobriety date is 9/11/2001. That was a terrible day. Not only the WTC attacks, but I landed in the hospital that night with an alcohol overdose. I dont remember much about that night. Just waking up in a hospital with wires and hoses hooked up to me.I felt like a complete jack-ass,after my wife told me what happened. and the way i acted. It scares my to thing that I'm only an arms reach from a drink again. And possibly death. It's kinda hard for me to get to meetings sometimes, so I need somebody to tell me how to go about getting on online sponcer.My email adress is redneck_454@hotmail.com. I would appreciate it if someone would give me a lead here.

thank you, Dustin


Member: Tom D.
Location: S.E. Michigan
Date: 1/24/2002
Time: 7:48:10 AM

Comments

Hi!

Thank you for sharing. This truly is "a small world". I'm grateful to be here now, thanks to the the fellowship of AA.

To all who are suffering, I will continue to pray for you. Keep coming back. I'ts up to you. READ Steps 1,2,& 3 and go to Meetings. We really do want to help you. We can only help if you want to stop. That's your choice.

Thank God, AA and You. Tom D.


Member: Jeff B
Location: Northern CA
Date: 1/24/2002
Time: 9:42:21 AM

Comments

Hi my name is Jeff and I am an alcoholic. I have heard it said by someone in AA and it fits me that: "there are only 2 things that can make me feel comfortable in my own skin - Lots of booze or lots of God" I drank for years and would get that comfortable feeling that lasted about 2- or 10 minutes and then led to all sorts of side effects (blackouts, jails, fights, hospitals, hangovers, misery). I needed to stop drinking and I needed help and it was bad enough to call AA. Since coming to AA I am not comfortable all the time -but I get enough relief from me that I keep trying. Our unity comes from our shared problem and solution - I don't need to drink one day at a time because of AA (and the power greater than me that AA helps me find and remember) and the side effects of AA have been occasional peace and happiness and even some freedom - you guys at meetings and here show me how. Thanks for being here.


Member: DavidH
Location: Nashville
Date: 1/24/2002
Time: 3:19:33 PM

Comments

One thing I am truly greatfull for is the unity of AA. I moved to Nashville about a month&1/2 ago from Mississippi. Thank God AA is everywhere even on my pc. I am going through a rough time right now but I know God will provide.


Member: Steven H
Location: Phoenix,AZ
Date: 1/24/2002
Time: 8:53:32 PM

Comments

My name is Steven and I am an alcoholic/addict. I put myself in treatment back in Sept. after an intervention from my partner, who is going to be giving birth to our first child in two months. Never has my need to get straight been so great. Yet, I continue to try to manage my use by changing substances or forcing myself to tolerate only one drink. I am truly scared to "get honest" with someone and often fear that I "lack the capacity". I am on also on parole for drug offences committed in 1995. Whenever I've used I've confessed to my P.O, but after so many(5) confessed uses in the last year he has told me that if I used again he'd be forced to send me to prison. I used yesterday and have been called to do a U.A tomorrow. I know I'm dirty and no one even suspects that I've been using occasionally for several months. I love my family and work hard to provide for them, but I will most assuredly lose them if I pee dirty tomorrow. I am so aware of the insanity in my behavior and am only filled with contempt of my inability to address these consequences before I pick up that first drink or drug. I sometimes feel that I subconciosly create chaos in my life just to feel functional. I am powerless and I need help. We always pray hardest when in a pinch. I am definately in a pickle and I dont deserve divine intervention because why should this time be any different. I have a great job, people who love me and are counting on me and I provide to them in every way except the most important-HONESTY. I didn't want to burden her with my struggles because I didn't want to add stress to an already difficult pregnancy, but now my not reaching out for help and my foolish pride may deprive her of me alltogether. Even now, with all this secret burden weighing on my heart, I desire to drink. I have not though and instead I sought to share my honest plight with you fellows in cyberspace. A place where I can be honest because I am truly anonymous and truly an alcoholic. Please share your insights with me A.S.A.P and keep my family in your prayers. THANK YOU ALL


Member: pmsb
Location: fred va
Date: 1/24/2002
Time: 11:52:47 PM

Comments

We are all blessed people because we are still here. I don't mean to stray from the topic but I really wanted to share something my sponsor spit at me which makes me want to stick around once in a while (just in case it'r true): "Don't give up before the miracle arrives." I mean it. Please think about it, because we are all worth it. Stick it out and make the meetings so you have the tangible support...but don't give up.


Member: Robin A
Location: Fl
Date: 1/24/2002
Time: 11:54:15 PM

Comments

Hi (((all))) Robin-alcoholic and addict of MORE here... (((Steven))) I feel for you but as it says in the program of AA "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path"

You have to want this way of life for yourself! Not for your partner and the baby she carries, not for your job either. You will eventually lose those things if you continue the insanity anyway.

If you have to go to prison-then you have to go...perhaps this will be your "bottom"...hope so anyway. But in regards to the here and now-I think your best intention should be fessing up to your partner now-not after the test...that will only cause more pain and suffering.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers-best of luck...


Member: Ann J
Location: NOCAL
Date: 1/24/2002
Time: 11:56:01 PM

Comments

Hi, I'm Ann, alcoholic. This is my first time at an online meeting.I'm not really sure what the topic is.Unity?Not fitting in? For my first time I will just say I'm grateful to my Higher Power for my sobriety.Maybe next time I will catch on a little better.Thanks for letting me share.


Member: PMSB
Location: FRED VA
Date: 1/25/2002
Time: 12:21:17 AM

Comments

OK Sorry for submitting more than one entry but I wanted to respond to Steven...it is an unreal insanity that would allow us to lead such a double life that no one would even suspect that we are still using...but I know it well, too. How could I have a problem?? I am so young and doing so well, and my only problems are this one arrest. And that one was a problem, oh and that one too but they're gone....... I am trying to face that mirror but it is tricky, esp when those around you enable you to continue fooling yourself and them. But I take myself to that one lesson that is invaluable, and applies to everyone- addict or not-: YOU ONLY EVER HAVE YOURSELF, SO YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF AND YOU MUST RELY UPON YOURSELF, AND YOUR HIGHER POWER IS THE ONLY OTHER "SELF" THAT WILL COEM INTO PLAY IN THIS REALIZATION.


Member: Peter T.
Location: Hilversum, Netherlands
Date: 1/25/2002
Time: 8:09:29 AM

Comments

I am Peter, an alcholic with 8 years sober.

WHY I KEEP GOING TO MEETINGS Especially for Rosemarie P. and all those who had to go out and 'experiment'.

Five years ago I went to France in December. France is not built for cold weather - froze my ass - changing diapers in freezing pissoirs - babies were miserable. Swore never to do it again.

Five years later went back again to France in December (remembered the good parts, forgot the bad). Went to Paris Disney. Froze our assess off. Poor little kids were crying from cold feet. Had to leave after 1 hour. Cost lots of $$

POINT of the story - our minds suppress pain and unpleasant memories. Left to our own devices we forget the pain and remember the pleasure. Why else do so many of us wake with a hangover and swear to quit...only to be drunk several hours later.

If I stopped going to meetings I would forget the pain, the shame, the hell, the embarassment that alcohol put me through.

I like to change the order of the phrase: Go to meetings...don't drink.

Thanks for letting me share.


Member: Scott
Location:
Date: 1/25/2002
Time: 10:58:25 AM

Comments

I am 34 years old and have been drinking several times a week since I was 17. Over the last couple of years my drinking has increased to every day. I don't get drunk every day, but when I do, I take the wheel when I shouldn't and do things that are jeopardizing my marriage. I have cheated on my wife while in this state and I am incredibly ashamed and hate myself for this. Monday my wife told me she wanted a divorce because she was tired of me putting her second or third in my life and she was tired of my, and she used this word, alcoholism. I have been too depressed to eat or drink since Monday. I haven't drank since Sunday and thats probably the longest i've gone without drinking in a few years. I honestly don't think I'm an alcoholic, but when you say that to someone they just think your in denial. I'm in a very dark and lonely place right now and I know that alcohol has played a part in getting me there, but I just don't know how big of a part. Maybe I'm just a bad person and don't deserve such a great woman. I just wanted to get this off my chest, if anyone has any thoughts or advice, I will listen. Thanks.


Member: Steven H.
Location: Phoenix,Az.
Date: 1/25/2002
Time: 11:04:56 AM

Comments

Well, seeing as I lacked the courage to confess to my mate, as happenstance or God would dictate she found this site on our history and decided to investigate. Needless to say, she found my entry and I dicovered that I fail at anonymity, but succeed at unknowingly letting God do for me what I could not do for myself. She is aware of my recent using and the potential consequences. After many tears we were able to talk. We read from the B.B and decided to leave it to God. This does not negate the harm I've done or offer her an escape from the fear of losing me, but it does allow both of us the oppurtunity to reach out to God and, hopefully, let him take control. I am going to a meeting this morning and begin to honestly reach out for help. That is my greatest struggle, honesty, I have been lying all my life and it is my number one defence mechanism. I never seem to learn my lessons. I can remember fourth grade, getting in trouble and taking the phones off the hook; or forging my moms signiture as a means of temporarily evading trouble. I would always get caught eventually and the consequences even greater for my efforts. I am thirty-three years old and still behave like that scared nine year old. I am truly frightened and always seem to tell myself that I just must be sicker than all of you. I surrender to the insanity rather than the solution. Not once have I given the steps an honest attempt, and believe me, I have quite a few step journals and probably every thing that Hazeldon has ever published. You see, it looks good to my loved ones to bring home some new materials that will make our life better; of course they don't do much good buried in drawers or collecting dust on the shelves. I've worked so hard at living the facades for so many people that I am afraid to honestly search for me. I got lost along time ago and even wonder if there was ever a time in my life that wasn't a futile attempt impress;or be the flavour of the month for whoever needed it. The sum of my life has been smoke and mirrors. When the facade begins to crumble, my M.O is to just move on. New friends, new lovers, new jobs and new towns has always been my answer. I wish I could say that I just can't live another lie, but unless something greater than I truly intervenes on my behalf then I'm afraid that my known behaviors will instinctively activate. Even here on the net where no one truly Knows me and there is no need to impress, I still struggle not to exagerate or gloss over. I really need to hear that others have felt just as hopeless as I. I know that for the next few hours I will not pick-up and that partly by throwing this crap out to you people. I am an alcoholic/addict/compulsive liar who needs help. Sorry So Drab-Steven


Member: Jim K.
Location: West Texas
Date: 1/25/2002
Time: 11:07:10 AM

Comments

My name is Jim, and I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic. I have almost nineteen months of sobriety, and I've been truly blessed during that time.

I started using chemicals when I was eight years old. I remember well the first time I was loaded, and all the feelings that went along with the experience. It was the frist time I felt okay, like I was supposed to be where I was. I wasn't afraid of anything, and I felt like I could conquer the universe.

For the next fourteen years I continued to seek out that feeling, moving through every stage of alcoholism/addiction. Everything I said I would never do, I did at least twice. I spent a great deal of time in jails, hospitals, psychiatric units, and drug treatment centers. I could never pull together much more than a month sober before the feeling of "NOT OKAY" became stronger than my desire to live chemical free. My defenses were gone and I was off and running.

When I came into AA the last time, I was blessed with a sponsor that really understood the concept of recovery that is the Big Book, the relapse process, and the tremendous need for immediate service work. I began doing all kinds of things to help out. I emptied ash trays, took out trash, repainted the club inside and out, gave people rides, visited hospitals and treatment centers, going on 12 Step calls with my sponsor, answering phones, chairing newcomer meetings, marathon Big Book studies at IHOP, getting involved in a street outreach committee, and eventually reaching out and sponsoring a couple of people. All of a sudden, I was a part of something meaningful. I felt like my presence was important--not in an egocentric way--just that I was of some use finally.

Today I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Today I can acknowledge my character defects, and work to change my attitude and behavior. Today I am free from the bondage of chemical slavery, and I am closer to a whole person than I ever thought possible. I am a member of the human race, and a child of GOD, and can work each day to add a little bit to the world around me. The 12 Steps and other recoovering drunks taught me how to do all this and more.

Thank you for letting me share, and thank you for my sobriety.


Member: Jan BB
Location: Paris, France
Date: 1/25/2002
Time: 11:45:34 AM

Comments

Hi everyone! ((Steven H.)) Surrender to win was the only way I could make it. Let go of self, let God and work all twelve steps of this program to the best of your ability. Trust God, clean house, help other's. Lift your head up and see, look around the rooms at the folks that have come in and have their lives changed. That's what I did. I quit pondering the state of me, over and over and over. Reach out, this is a "we" program, not a self-help program. Get honest with a real sponsor, take direction, and do it. Don't talk about the journey, take the steps, in order, working closely with a sponsor to guide you, and you will be amazed before you are half way through. Move, your hanging in the mess, way too long.

Thanks everyone for your shares, wonderful, love you all.

Faith and Hope ((Everyone)) janbbparis@yahoo.com


Member: WW
Location: SF
Date: 1/25/2002
Time: 2:48:33 PM

Comments

Hi Everyone. It is a great topic because I do feel like I hide things. Mostly I think I hide my innermost feelings because I don't want to cause others pain and maybe I don't want to face them myself. I love AA because it is a place to deal with issues and of course to try to stop drinking. I'm still trying I wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to stop but I plan to keep going to meetings and maybe someday I'll be able to make it.


Member: ANONYMOUS26
Location: Granite State
Date: 1/25/2002
Time: 3:39:30 PM

Comments

For the first few years of my sobriety,being naive,ignorant of the principals,traditions,approved AA literture.I thought I was on the same path, a small part of a whole, "being restored and united under ONE GOD" BB pg 161 trying to attain,aquire the same goals. It was about my 5th year that,that changed for the most part and I really started to feel like it was just GOD, the books an me. That I couldn't really depend or rely on individuals or the fellowship to help me to continue to maintain sobriety and grow spiritually. 12&12 step 3 "The more we become willing to depend upon a higher Power,the more independant we actually are". Step 12"When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be GOD Himself. WE found that dependence upon His perfect justice,forgivenes,and love was healthy,and that it would work where nothing else would. I haven't belonged to a group in the last 20 yrs,haven't had a sponser for almost as long,I attend as few meetings as possible,usually BB or step meetings. Get burnt out real quick. Checked out service work,for lack of finding God-conscious members,gave up. Work with others when providence provides, fellowship with very few. The longer I was sober,the more I got into the books,the fewer friends I made. Unity, the word obviously exist in the books not so obvious in the fellowship. Feel united with very few on very little concerning steps,traditions. Easier to see more disunity or people united in their character defects & flaws. Wouldn't suggest anyone try my way. I've done what I thoughti had to do to survive my alcohol problem and survive within the fellowship. Don't remember the last time I had a bad day and I'm still here 26 yrs later,by the GRACE of GOD and a little willingnes and effort.


Member: random house
Location: dictionary
Date: 1/25/2002
Time: 7:26:31 PM

Comments

INDEPENDENT; not influenced or controled by others in matters of opinion, conduct,ect,;thinking or acting for oneself. autonomous;free.not relying on another or others for aid or support,declining others aid or support. possesing a competency. not influenced by the thought or actions of others. INDEPENDENCE;state or quality of being independent. freedom from subjection , or from the subjection of others. exemption from external control or support. compentency - SYN. see freedom.


Member: G.G.
Location: phoenix AZ
Date: 1/25/2002
Time: 7:51:00 PM

Comments

THE HOME GROUP: HEARTBEAT of AA---June 1978 pg 60 "Alcoholics may be getting sober, not because of us, but inspite of us"


Member: Five Years
Location:
Date: 1/25/2002
Time: 9:51:52 PM

Comments

Having been around the halls (Fellowship) for 27 years and heard all kinds of suggestions.I found the suggestions that work are AAs suggestions.There are twelve of them,called steps.Spiritual in nature.When I adhere to them all is well,when iI dont,all is lost.Ive been adhereing to them for five years.Ive been sober Five years.


Member: Lady Z.
Location: New England
Date: 1/25/2002
Time: 9:55:00 PM

Comments

It is only by the grace of God that I found you guys. God bless each one of you!! Thank You


Member: Jenn
Location: Atlanta
Date: 1/26/2002
Time: 12:26:01 PM

Comments

I am Jenn and I have battled with alcohol since age 19. I was always the popular girl, but I never had privacy. When bad things happened to me at age 18, I hid by drinking until I passed out. I am so lucky to be alive today to talk about this. I drank to hide the "real" me from everyone. Now I don't need to hide anymore. I am loved because of who I am, I don't want to destroy that by drinking. I need support everday from people who understand. God bless all of you who do.


Member: Barry C
Location: Hartford CT
Date: 1/26/2002
Time: 9:22:10 PM

Comments

Thanks everyone. I am not alone anymore. Even at night I can read comments from other alcoholics. Whenever anyone reaches out for help I want the hand of AA to be there. And for that I am responsible. Michelle B. don't drink and go to meetings. Try it, if you don't like it alcohol will always be there waiting to bring you more misery and or problems. The elevator is broke so use the steps. May HP bless you all.


Member: UNITY
Location: UNITED ON  WHAT?
Date: 1/26/2002
Time: 9:41:01 PM

Comments

At a BB meeting not to long ago after reading some of,"There is a solution" I asked the question "what is a recovered alcoholic"? One of the first to answer was someome who had 15 to 20 yrs sober, well off. His reply was "you know what,I don't give a shit!" And then all applauded & cheered. The meeting continued with the same kind of comments an copouts. "I don't know,or don't care, all I know is that I'm sober today" "it's just semantic's" or even "I don't want to get recovered". Well at the end of the meeting I got called on again. I identified myself as a recovered alcoholic then read from Foreword To First Edition "To SHOW other alcoholics precisely how we have RECOVERED is the MAIN purpose if this book", Then asked another question. But anyways, this "I don't give a shit" attitude is the kind I find members uniting together on when it comes down to dealing with seemingly "sensitive" subjects. A form of unity I encounter quite often. Or am I wrong and I should take a stand with them. So what is that? A lack of concern first for their own sobriety then for the next alkie as well? Some sort of contempt prior to investigation? A sort of pride in reverse? A fear & pride beating them back before they get a chance to look at themseves? selfishness-selfcenterednes? 12 & 12 trad 10 "Since recovery from alcoholism is life itself to us, it is imperitive to preserve in full strength our means of survival.


Member: Gage
Location: South
Date: 1/26/2002
Time: 11:32:45 PM

Comments

I'm Gage and I'm an alcoholic. I can't recall meeting anyone in AA who can claim to have come here in good mental health. Many of us have in the past and continue to grapple with depression if not more severe mental illnesses. Our book mentions this pretty often, and some of the promises in that book specifically address these feelings of loneliness and dejection. I found hope in that book and in this fellowship. Keep it simple.


Member: Lyla D.  ldragonreader@aol.com
Location: Polk City, Fl
Date: 1/26/2002
Time: 11:45:41 PM

Comments

Rosemarie, WELCOME HOME

To everyone that is struggling with whether or not they are an alcoholic, when I was a newcomer, someone explained to me that people that don't have a problem with alcohol don't worry about how much they drink and don't wake up in the morning wondering if they lost the car again or worship at the porcelan (sp?) throne. They also don't go to recovery sites and ask people if they think they might have a problem.

I was a binge drinker, sometimes I could have one or two drinks, other times I never knew what would happen. My binges got closer and closer together and lasted longer. I went from once a month to every weekend to 4 or 5 days a week. I needed to have a cab take me home, thank HP I didn't have a car, and I only lived 5 blocks from the bar. The cabbie quit charging me, the meter didn't even trip over, walked my dog for me and made sure I made it into the house.

Unity-it is here and in AA rooms everywhere. I have called AA members at all hours of the day and night and have been called by AA members all hours of the day or night. Don't find too many people in the bars that will let you call them, though they may call you if they need or want something.

So, if you think you have a problem, you probably do. Go to some AA meetings, listen to what people say about their feelings when they were drinking, not how much they drank or what they did while drinking. Give it 90 days, if you don't think you are an alcoholic, go ahead, get drunk, we will be waiting IF you get back.