Hi My name is Cherise and I'm an alcoholic!! My topic this week is the need to control. One of the lovely character defects I can't seem to let go of. This seems to be the hardest of all, because I truly don't realize when I'm doing it. I've been reading alot of material about it, and have been amazed how controlling I really am. Some signs that I look for now are tension,blaming others,urgency(when I have a feeling to make something happen or prevent it), but I think the hardest is refusing to feel. The problem for me is I don't recognize it until after the issue or situation occurs. Or I recognize the signs that I want to control, but feel as though I'm only reacting to someone else's controlling behavior. This is my favorite, because then I can gloat and say it's his/her fault. I realize now that others do trigger my behavior, but I'm told they do not cause it, as much as I'd like to think they do. For me other defects arise when I'm in my contolling state like jealousy,anger,fear, and when I'm feeling that stuff, I am closer and closer to a drink. Today, the drink isn't an option, but running has been on my mind alot. I would really appreciate any feedback on this topic, because if I don't learn more, and understand this more I feel like I'm never going to get through this. Thanks all!
Hi, I'm Tim and I'm an alcoholic.
For me control equals fear. When, I'm fearful I try to control others, try to control situations, and generally focus outside myself.
When I'm serene, I accept others, and accept the world as it is. I even like things the way the are...amazing!
I generally move toward fear when I get away from the "now" and get away from my HP.
The solutions is simple once I decide to exercise it.
1. Focus on the now.
2. Focus on myself.
3. Focus on HP's will.
Hi I'm Bon and I'm alcoholic and I would just like to listen.Have agood sober 24.
Joanie O alcoholic here; Fear is one of my greatest motivators it causes me to try to keep everything under control and status Quoe attitudes and behaviors. Like Tim I recognise fear of control but I turn around and use it to motivate me into action.Hopefully it will be positive action. When I try to control stuff in my life it goes back to family origin behavior, parental expectations and behaviors that I used before sobriety. Today I run my own ship with te guidence of my higher power and I let him guide me, let him carry me and above all let him find the direction I need to go. This takes all the pressure off of me and great things happen . I have learned to take a step back and wait for the answer rather than forging ahead fulfilling my own sick ego. Love to you all.
hi my name is chris and i'm an alcoholic.
and i don't know the first thing about control, except when it comes to that first drink. thanks to aa and my higher power, i know that much for today and as long as i remember that i have a shot at everything else. thanks for letting me share
Hi I'm Mark and I'm an alcoholic. Great topic Cherise. Control was always a real big thing for me. I had to be in control of every thing I came in contact with. The problem I had with that was the more I tried to control things, the more out of control they became. The more I tried to control people, the more they distanced themselves from me. When it came to drinking, as soon as I took the first drink I had no control at all, especially of myself. That doesn't mean that I still didn't try to control things, I tried to control them even more then. My fear drives my need to try to try to control people, and things. The fear that they will leave me, or not like me. That I will not posess what I desire, or that I would not achieve what I felt I deserved.
Today I'm learning to turn things over to my Higher Power(God) and let him guide me. The only thing I can control today is myself, not anyone or anything else, and I will have what my HP means for me to have and be grateful for that. If I listen to him and do what this program suggests I feel like I don't have to be in control of anything but my actions, and how many meetings I go to every week. Today I make quite a few!
Have a sober day! :)
Hi, Bob B -- and welcome!
Cherise, this is a great topic and my best (that is, worst) character defect -- next to arrogance and judgmentalness, I mean! Everything all of you have said I agree with. I believe my need to control started out as trying to manage life's chaos and confusion, but it's gone waaaayy beyond that! I'm the kind of person who still moves furniture around and changes paint and slipcovers in my mind every day -- and it's YOUR living room I'm changing!
Seriously, when I start managing other peoples' behavior -- in fact, managing ANY outcomes, no matter how small -- then instantly it's time for me to pause, breathe, let go, pray, and ask HP for direction. When I'm in that place, as Tim says, I'm at peace. And I have to practice daily on the little stuff, so I'll be okay on letting go of the BIG stuff! Then it means I'm not being Queen Baby -- self-centered and self-absorbed.
And it's just as difficult when my efforts aren't accomplishing something to my satisfaction. Then I need to meditate, observe, relax and then go back to the task with a new view. Is the other side of control involved somehow with procrastination? Hmmm.
Slowing down, reviewing and reassessing have never been in my vocabulary! I think it's called growing up. All I know is that God directs the outcome whether or not I believe it. Takes a shorter time for me to accept this, but it's still not my first attitude!!!
Here's the crux of the matter for me: be kind to myself but be seriously willing to learn from all these experiences. My daught likes to say "experience the experience" and then move on. Keeps me in the present.
(Bill Wilson Writing:) Faced with alcoholic destruction, I became open-minded on spiratual matters. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat me into a state of reasonableness
I had to quit playing God. It did not work. I decided that hereaftern in this dramam of life, God was going to be my Director. He would be the Princiapl; I , on of his agents.
Most good ideas are simple, and this is the keystone of the new triuphal arch through which I can pass to freedeom.
Its easy for me to conform to God's Will when my ass is on fire and in a hurricane.... When I am so sick that I can not stand up, or loosing my family, or going to jail. The acid test seems ot be in the day to day activities of regular old sobriety. Here my alcoholic mind looses its graatitude and trys to take back all the control. Like a foolish child, once again I touch my hand to the stove and expect different results. The only help that I have found is to attempt a state of constant communication with what I believe is a Power Greater Than Myself throughout the day. I can try this moment to moment by saying "Thankyou" inside, to every person and place I go.
Gratitiude seems to be the answer to disolving my need to control the world and others around me. After all, I should have been dead long ago!
Thankyou everyone for listening...
The great thing for me about "Live and Let Live" is that I CAN live, now! Instead of worrying about, or trying to "fix," things I really have no control over (or no business meddling in!), I can simply take care of my own business, and put ALL of my attention into that.
This means that when I'm working, I can work hard and pay attention to my work. When I'm writing, I can concentrate fully. When I'm listening to a friend, sponsor, sponsee, or anyone else, I can REALLY listen, and absorb what's being said. This is what I was looking for all along, and who would have thought it would come from this unexpected source?
It allows me to worry less, too, since I am putting 100% effort into the things I do (and that's all I CAN do). Life gets better and better, and I feel that putting my whole self into whatever I'm doing is another way of giving gratitude to God, who has given me hands, head, and heart to work with.
Along with many others I've heard talk about this subject, I've found that the "wisdom" to know the difference between "the things I cannot change" and the things that I can, isn't always there. God's will isn't always so clear to me. But that's where sponsors come in - and (finally!) I've learned to listen, and trust (at least most of the time).
Thanks Cherise - the topic is interesting, and I thought your descriptions of the "signs" you look for were really good.
Peace to all -
Hi my name is J.D. and I am an Alcoholic,
The only real problem with control is that I want it, do not have it, and that pisses me off. Sounds a lot like alcoholism.
I only want to control the things I can not change, J.D summed it up for me.
Welcome back J.D,welcome Chris B.